The christmas gift

sashadesade

You sound so self-sacrificing, you need to realise your own worth! Your daughter obviously feels you deserve the presents she buys you. I'm sure she'd be mortified if she knew how strongly you feel about this, she probably thinks she's making you really happy. It clearly makes her happy to spend money on you, so as long as she can afford it maybe you should just let her.

Amanda65

Just as a thought, having read the updated responses, how would you react if your children received your presents and where 'ungrateful' for them and said they didn't really want them? I bet it would make you feel really sad, and this is probably how your daughter feels.

I cannot begin to imagine how horrible it must have been to feel uncared for as a child but surely, having worked really hard to overcome so much, you should now sit back and just let others appreciate you as much as you do them. Unless you do I fear that your past will always 'spoil' your future.

And as for spending 'hundreds and hundreds of pounds' she is doing Christmas how you taught her to

creamcrackers

Amanda65 wrote: »

Just as a thought, having read the updated responses, how would you react if your children received your presents and where 'ungrateful' for them and said they didn't really want them? I bet it would make you feel really sad, and this is probably how your daughter feels.

I cannot begin to imagine how horrible it must have been to feel uncared for as a child but surely, having worked really hard to overcome so much, you should now sit back and just let others appreciate you as much as you do them. Unless you do I fear that your past will always 'spoil' your future.

And as for spending 'hundreds and hundreds of pounds' she is doing Christmas how you taught her to

Thank you. You are so right. but it's so hard to change the way i think and feel, this will be my 23rd christmas and over the years i have been lucky enough to give such lovely christmases for my family, it's not that i'm ungrateful with the gifts but it makes me feel guilty and bad to the point i want to dismiss the part when it's my turn to open the gifts i feel like i want to run to the kitchen and hide and start the cooking and ignore it all, stupid i know

Amanda65

creamcrackers wrote: »

Thank you. You are so right. but it's so hard to change the way i think and feel, this will be my 23rd christmas and over the years i have been lucky enough to give such lovely christmases for my family, it's not that i'm ungrateful with the gifts but it makes me feel guilty and bad to the point i want to dismiss the part when it's my turn to open the gifts i feel like i want to run to the kitchen and hide and start the cooking and ignore it all, stupid i know

Then make your speacial gift to your family (and you) this Christmas your enjoyment and pleasure in receiving as well as giving.

treetrunks

Hi, i cant speak for your daughter but i love christmas, i love giving presents and have honestly reached a point where i gain much more satisfaction from giving than receiving. For me at the moment its a great excuse for me to spoil my partner and show her how much i appreciate what shes done for me this year. While i like to give her presents all year, christmas is the only time when we dont have to do the whole "should we really be buying this". I love spoiling my mum and dad as well, they gave up so much for me, my brother and sister and christmas is the chance to show how much thi means to us. Start enjoying it i say.

kitschkitty

I can totally understand why you feel this way, but what needs looking at is how can the situation be changed in a (healthy) way that will make you, your daughter and all your family happy?

Looking at what you want /how you'd like to resolve the situation, and how your daughter would too.

They seem liking opposing positions, but really they're not.

I'm also hearing an issue over how physical goods and their price is different to time, or money spent on activities together.

How about suggesting family activities together that really are things you all enjoy rather than being left with possessions if you are uncomfortable with that still.

Things like a family holiday may even be possible? Activities - panto, cinema, theatre, ice skating - anything that you'd all enjoy. Photographs?

You can never rewrite or overwrite the past, but you do have to work out how living your life now in the future you can create memories for yourself and your family that you cherish without guilt or comparison.

creamcrackers

thank you all so much for the advice.

I know it may seem silly to some people in the way i think and feel and i'm sure many people
would be happy to be spoilt rotten by there partners or family, it's hard for people to really understand how i feel, my daughter and partner are not in the wrong as i am sure if i had good
parents i would want to do the same as my daughter.

thank you all so much

creamcrackers

kitschkitty wrote: »

I can totally understand why you feel this way, but what needs looking at is how can the situation be changed in a (healthy) way that will make you, your daughter and all your family happy?

Looking at what you want /how you'd like to resolve the situation, and how your daughter would too.

They seem liking opposing positions, but really they're not.

I'm also hearing an issue over how physical goods and their price is different to time, or money spent on activities together.

How about suggesting family activities together that really are things you all enjoy rather than being left with possessions if you are uncomfortable with that still.

Things like a family holiday may even be possible? Activities - panto, cinema, theatre, ice skating - anything that you'd all enjoy. Photographs?

You can never rewrite or overwrite the past, but you do have to work out how living your life now in the future you can create memories for yourself and your family that you cherish without guilt or comparison.

I understand what you are saying andi like your ideas. i know i cannot rewrite or overwrite the past what has happened has happened.
i have such wonderful christmas memories with my children and family since my children were little, i have only felt like this since my daughter started earning money before then present giving wasn't such a big deal as i used to palm my partner off so it was never an issue untill the last couple years.

Savvy_Sue

creamcrackers wrote: »

i think it is hard for them, but also hard for them to understand how i feel,i suppose Christmas has always been the time that i make dreams come true but my daughter just wants to do the same for me now that she is older and can afford to perhaps i am being selfish.

in a way, yes.

grey_lady wrote: »

Lasting ideas about ourself e.g self-worth are formed in childhood and when we find ourselves in situations which conflict with how we feel about ourselves it can make us feel anxious or guilty.

Have you considered counselling? I'd suggest that a person-centred approach might help you resolve some of these feelings.

I'd agree with this - but would say you either need to talk with your partner / daughter (which you've tried) or explore these feelings with a counsellor.

also, we used to have a book which listed the 8 languages of love - most of us have a 'main' and a 'secondary' language, and it helps to know what yours and your loved ones are. eg if you feel specially loved when someone spends time with you, but your partner needs to hear you say how much you love them, then you can adapt, and when he spends time with you, you make a point of saying how much you love him. then you both feel loved.

now, you show love by making a magical Christmas, but it also involves spending £££. your daughter has learned from you, she's showing her love the way you show yours. and you ARE worth it!

btw can't find the book I'm thinking of, prob long out of print, but if you google 5 languages of love there seems to be similar stuff there.

Never_too_old_to_learn

Sorry I'm a bit late in posting a reply to this thread but have only just read it.
I am so sorry to hear of your own sad childhood Christmas's and can totally understand why you have always created a fairytale Christmas for your children and grandchild but I think the time comes when you have to accept that your children want to say "thank you".
The pleasure of giving is a two way door.
They are showing how much you mean to them and how much they love you and appreciate just what a good mum you have always been and to deny them that oppurtunity would be the same as denying you all the wonderful Christmas's you have created for them.
Letting them know how much you appreciate there actions is probably all they want - then sit back and bask in the knowledge that you have created a warm and loving family that you so yearned for in your childhood.