Aspergers, EDs, friendships, people, and I'm lost

Allegra

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

agree wholeheartedly: say after me: I am doing a good job ... because your are! it's a nightmare, you're getting through it as best you can.

Ta Sometimes, actually, I feel like that could almost be true

Allegra

artybear wrote: »

Hi allegra,

It's a really hard situation and I think you are handling it amazingly. I have no experience of someone with AS or eating disorders but can remember being a teenage girl. Its a rubbishy time and I feel for your DD.

Maybe you could have some house rules which you both agree on? In return for her not visiting those sites and you trusting her not to, she could receive something she wants. It is bribery pure and simple but maybe you could present it to her as two adults making an agreement so you are on an equal footing?

But like I said I don't really know much about this so ignore me if you think it wouldnt work.

Have some hugs tooxxxxx

Thanks Arty I do like the suggestion of compromise and negotiation - as I mentioned in the mammoth post just before, that's actually the exact thing that I think will make this work in the end.

The only thing I'm stuck on is finding the big enough carrot that will make her feel keeping her end of the bargain is really worth it.... :cool:

Loopy_Girl

WOW - thank you for that very long post.

I understand what you are saying and why you do things (some of the jargon confuses me though..NT?)

Thank you again and I commend you for still smiling and having a sense of humour:D

weezl74

Allegra wrote: »

...and the reason it took so long is, well, because anorexia kills slowly, whilst knives, razors, paracetamol overdoses, and even untrollable meltdowns can kill instantly. I had to handle those other dangers first.

I very much agree with and understand your prioritising of immediate risk over longer-term, slower risk.

The only thing I wanted to add is that if an ED has vomitting/purging with laxatives included, then it can (VERY RARELY) lead immediately to such a severe potassium imbalance that it is much more like the immediately very serious effect of the paracetamols you spoke about, and this has caused deaths. If DD began to use vomitting/laxatives this might therefore be worth a re jig of those risk priorities you spoke about.

weezl74

sorry for the double post, kester needed me.

I was also ruminating on what you said about DD finding it very difficult to understand why her friend is not now able to reciprocate the listening and understanding that DD has provided for her about her sisters ED.

AS people I have worked with sometimes find facts and rules about the (tricky!) world of feelings helpful. Because feelings are so mysterious, if empathy is a challenge.

So I was thinking what rule or fact might help DD? And one thing emerged, please use if helpful and ignore if not. There is evidence to support the idea of 'vicarious trauma'. If we watch or hear about another person's trauma, we ourselves can be traumatised by this. The stress receptors in our body begin to act like it happened (to a lesser degree) to us.

Also, people who have been exposed to a high level of a type of trauma develop a numbing to engaging with it. Consider the junior nurse, having nightmares after seeing her first burns victim, who later in her career seems able to disconnect from the patient. Psychologists call this emotional callousing. The same way as your foot hardens to protect your soft skin from blisters.

If DD could understand these 2 ideas in tandem, could she then have a framework for understanding WHY her friend has now so oddly cut off the support which should be reciprocal? If DDs friends had simply lived through too much hearing about EDs to keep herself functioning? I wondered if this might help DD see it as her friends frailty and self-protection, not a rejection of DD.

weezl74

Allegra wrote: »

The only thing I'm stuck on is finding the big enough carrot that will make her feel keeping her end of the bargain is really worth it.... :cool:

I am wondering if one of your chats could include that very question? I am guessing she will know what it is that you could give which would be rewarding enough. And the answer might be very unexpected or (ever optimistic!) maybe even easier/cheaper/simpler than you might be fearing it is.

A poor example, but I worked with a couple where the wife had an enormous list of changes she really needed her husband to make. When I asked him, what would be enough incentive for you to do this. He flushed and said, 'can she just let me know I'm still good looking a couple of times a week'. She and I I think were both touched by the simplicity and ease that she felt she could meet his part of the deal.

Js_Other_Half

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

I understand what you are saying and why you do things (some of the jargon confuses me though..NT?)

NT - Neuro Typical ie a person who is not on the autistic spectrum.

artybear

weezl74 wrote: »

I am wondering if one of your chats could include that very question? I am guessing she will know what it is that you could give which would be rewarding enough. And the answer might be very unexpected or (ever optimistic!) maybe even easier/cheaper/simpler than you might be fearing it is.

A poor example, but I worked with a couple where the wife had an enormous list of changes she really needed her husband to make. When I asked him, what would be enough incentive for you to do this. He flushed and said, 'can she just let me know I'm still good looking a couple of times a week'. She and I I think were both touched by the simplicity and ease that she felt she could meet his part of the deal.

I agree with Weezl here. The carrot may not be a huge thing, thinking back to being 13 the things I really wanted were days out/friends over/maybe some more independence. Its only as I have got older have may 'wants' got bigger.

Also if it was something biggish...like a new wardrobe or something you could give a time limit of 6 months to give you time to sort something out and time for her to prove to you she was taking your concerns seriously.

However this is assuming her carrot would be materialistic...it maybe something you are unable to give her (like the ability to fly or win X-factor:p) and then that would be a bit of a pain :cool:

Hippeechiq

Excellent, post Allegra :T

I can totally relate to your analogy, and I'm sure anyone reading your post will at least now have a better understanding of what it is like to be you, and the challenges you and your child face every day.

I love my child with a passion, and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. But that doesn't alter the fact that I have many, many days where I feel physically and mentally exhausted, and feel that I simply can't cope anymore, but of course I do, as I'm sure you do too.

All parents are flying by the seat of their pants, no matter what facade they present the world with, so when you have a quiet moment, I think you should re-read your post, and acknowledge what a damned fine job you're doing of parenting your child - and don't let anyone convince you otherwise

weezl74

Hippeechiq wrote: »

All parents are flying by the seat of their pants, no matter what facade they present the world with, so when you have a quiet moment, I think you should re-read your post, and acknowledge what a damned fine job you're doing of parenting your child - and don't let anyone convince you otherwise

shameless reposting of this, for you. allegra (and your OH;)), but also for me, and every other parent reading. Great words Hippeechiq:A