Aspergers, EDs, friendships, people, and I'm lost

Savvy_Sue

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Just a suggestion buit would Complan not be a better option than Slimfast if she will swap? As it's full of calories and likely to build her up rather than Slimfast which will obviously make her lose weight and I am guessing this would just add to the problems.

I'm not sure of the comparative calorific values of Slimfast vs Complan, but Slimfast won't make anyone lose weight ...

Slimfast will have calories, and those calories will be better than nothing.

by all means let the OP try Complan, which may be better, but equally Slimfast may work better because the DD sees it as a diet aid and therefore OK, IYSWIM.

Loopy_Girl

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

by all means let the OP try Complan, which may be better, but equally Slimfast may work better because the DD sees it as a diet aid and therefore OK, IYSWIM.

Yes and I understand that emphatically...hence why me stating it was a suggestion

Hippeechiq

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

Just a suggestion buit would Complan not be a better option than Slimfast if she will swap? As it's full of calories and likely to build her up rather than Slimfast which will obviously make her lose weight and I am guessing this would just add to the problems.

Re the BPD...there are several people on here who have it. Maybe if you start your own thread you may get people answering even if it's just by PM...support for you maybe? and possible her?

Thanks for the Complan suggestion Loopy Girl but I don't think she'd take it. She's 25, so I can't force her....not that I would try to whatever her age.

She has to take so much medication just to keep her on an even keel, that they are causing weight gain (she currently takes 10 tablets a day - 2 anti psychotics, 2 anti depressants, 4 anti anxiety, another 1 anti anxiety and a sleeping tablet) She has only gone from a size 10 to a size 12. She feels fat, and think she looks fat (which she clearly isn't) but for someone who has enormous problems dealing with all her emotions and self image, that's a huge deal.

At least with Slimfast, I'm managing to get some goodness into her while at the same time, making her feel that I'm/we're not adding to the increasing weight problem.

I've not looked at Complan in years - but Slimfast at least has appealing flavours to choose from, and as Savvy_Sue quite rightly says, my daughter sees it as an aid to controlling her weight - as might Allegras daughter - plus, she's still getting her chocolate "fix".

The OPs daughter has Asperger's Syndrome - it's my daughter that has BPD and I'm very conscious of not wanting to hijack her thread.

I would be interested to know how you know that there are members on here that have BPD though? I tend to stick to the Old Style Money Saving Boards, so maybe I'm missing something?

Savvy_Sue

bpd gets mentioned on disability & dosh board a bit.

Loopy_Girl

Hippeechiq wrote: »

Thanks for the Complan suggestion Loopy Girl but I don't think she'd take it. She's 25, so I can't force her....not that I would try to whatever her age.

She has to take so much medication just to keep her on an even keel, that they are causing weight gain (she currently takes 10 tablets a day - 2 anti psychotics, 2 anti depressants, 4 anti anxiety, another 1 anti anxiety and a sleeping tablet) She has only gone from a size 10 to a size 12. She feels fat, and think she looks fat (which she clearly isn't) but for someone who has enormous problems dealing with all her emotions and self image, that's a huge deal.

At least with Slimfast, I'm managing to get some goodness into her while at the same time, making her feel that I'm/we're not adding to the increasing weight problem.

I've not looked at Complan in years - but Slimfast at least has appealing flavours to choose from, and as Savvy_Sue quite rightly says, my daughter sees it as an aid to controlling her weight - as might Allegras daughter - plus, she's still getting her chocolate "fix".

The OPs daughter has Asperger's Syndrome - it's my daughter that has BPD and I'm very conscious of not wanting to hijack her thread.

I would be interested to know how you know that there are members on here that have BPD though? I tend to stick to the Old Style Money Saving Boards, so maybe I'm missing something?

As I say...the Complan was only a suggestion as I thought it may be more 'bulky uppy' than Slimfast - I'm not wanting a big deal made of it:o I get what you are meaning about her still controlling her weight and getting her chocolate fix though...very interesting, thank you. Can I ask, I notice that Allerga's daughter loves chocolate as well - is this a common thing or just coincidence (or just a girly thing!!)

I realise it's your daughter that has BPD and re knowing people...now and again people will say what they have and/or why they are on benefits so it's usually the Benefits Board that I pick up on stuff like this. There is one prolific user who has it so maybe a thread started there?

And as Sue says, the D&D board too (for obvious reasons!)

Allegra

weezl74 wrote: »

I am very struck by the part in bold. I wish I could say certainly that this didn't happen. As I do see you are saying this is what DD needs. Would it help her if a different professional took her seriously? Would it help her to know that it is never ideal for a health professional to make a judgement 3rd hand without meeting and interracting with the individual?

xx

I do hope so I very much appreciate what you have said - it gives me a lot to work with ! Turning it all over in my mind, I also think it might have something to do with what I have said about the situation before - I think that with DD being Aspie, the best friend's sister's anorexia and the associated websites have given her a vocabulary to talk about her own food and self-hatred issues which does not necessarily hit the nail on the head, but it does enable her to confront and talk about it for the first time. So while she might not warrant a diagnosis of anorexia or bulimia or ED-NOS (and DD has very earnestly presented me with the DMS-IV on the subject, so I could see that she does not have an ED, bless her black and white world), that does not mean that all is well in her relationship with food, or that saying she hates eating and hates herself makes her in any way a "fake", or not deserving of help.

I think she is so scared now - scared that she finally asked for help (in a very roundabout way), but could either be told to stop being silly and wasting the doctor's time, or worse, be told that she can not be helped. This particular issue has not helped with that fear at all - so the sooner she finds out otherwise, the better.

Allegra

CHRISSYG wrote: »

op is there a family member she trusts 100% because from my own experience im labelled as a nagging mum even before ive opened my mouth but her cousin a year younger is the font of all wisdom and a great little alllie !

Afraid not Such family as we do have is not only physically distant, but also about as much use as a chocolate teapot when it comes to support and sense. Both my parents and her father's parents (he is an ex and I believe an undiagnosed AS himself, as well as a whole range of other mental health problems, but we are in touch with the parents, and they do provide us with some respite over the summer holidays) are totally in denial about her condition and seem to believe that I have had her labelled for some devious reasons of my own. What those reasons would be I could not being to imagine, but what the hey, I have long given up trying to make sense of some people Life's too short, sunshine

But yes, pretty much anything I say is seen as nagging, lol. Mothers nag, apparently, it's a fact incontrovertible. She knows

meritaten

Allegra..........you are NOT a carp PARENT! you are a loving parent who is feeling out of her depth right now! you have so many issues in your post that it comes across a bit garbled but i think I get the drift!
as I say to my daughter - PRIORITISE! sort out in your mind the main issues and deal with those in order. btw I am NOT telling you what to do just suggesting a way to help clear your mind help you focus on the main issues.
Issue 1 - your attention has been brought to your daughters anorexic behaviour - this is the main issue and you may well want to put other issues on a back burner until its been sorted.
Issue 2 - your daughters relationship with her friend - YOU are grateful to her, but the relationship has been soured because the friend doesnt understand that your daughter is an Aspie. this can be sorted out later or if you believe its important to your daughter (may not be as important to her as to your) can be sorted with a phone call to friends mum explaining the situation. she sounds a nice woman and would probably be prepared to listen to you.
Issue 3 - the school - this I think can also wait until your daughters issues have been addressed with her medics. THEN sort the school out!
of course you are free to sort out the priorities any other way as only you know your daughter, her freind and the school.
Just give yourself some space and time and calmly assess the situation - it may help to think about it as if a friend in the same situation asked your advice..............what would you tell her?
good luck hun and let us know what happens.

Allegra

Sorry guys, got interrupted last night I managed to get DD off to school this morning, against all odds (more on that later, perhaps) so will try and catch up with all your wise words now

Hippeechiq - I was in the process of replying to you last night when I had to go and deal with DD emergency (all handled well in the end, we watched old X files, drank hot choccie and had a long chat about Asperger's, life and friendships, and we both went to bed happy) - thanks so much for your post, and please, no apologies for the length - I luurve long posts, and always feel very privileged when people take time to do them Also, no fears from me about post hijacking issue - I think we are both in the same situation as parents of a neurodiverse child trying to do what's best to help them cope with life.

Thanks also for the heads-up about the slimfast - not something that would ever have occured to me, and whilst we are not there yet (I can still talk her into eating actual food most of the time), there is of course no guarantee that things will not get worse before they get better, and the more jokers I have up my sleeve the better the odds of making it through in one piece Thanks also about the wrong planet linkie - after a quick look, it looks just like the thing I was looking for, and I hope that DD will be able to see it the same way, too :T

Allegra

:rotfl:Ooops. And oh dear.....

Loopy_Girl wrote: »

EH?! AS or not, surely you are the parent?

Um yeah. As there is no one else I can palm this one off on, yep, that'd be me

What is coming across loud and clear to me (granted I don't have a child with AS although I am a parent) is that you tip toe round her walking on egg shells and whatever she wants, she gets - all for a quiet life?

If that is what is coming through loud and clear, than I have failed to communicate effectively, for which I apologise If you were a fly on the wall in our house at any time, especially at times like, for instance, this morning, you'd know that quiet life is not something that ever does or probably ever would feature on our agenda

Personally, I just settle for life. I read a few days back a post that really struck a chord - it was from someone on here that I respect greatly, and it dealt with issues of parenting (in her case, parenting a young child that does not sound any more challenging that the norm, but hey, the norm is challenging enough, and being a parent is not an easy ride for anyone, I don't think). She talked about managing one's expectations, and about simple criteria which, when met, will allow you the day to be seen as good, or at least satisfactory.

Well, for me, a satisfactory day is one where we end the day with the same number of family members that we started it with. A good day is one where we end the day with all family members physically undamaged. So far - in the six weeks or so since the manure hit the windmill - we have managed about an even number of good and satisfactory ones - and I think that in the last week or so the balance has tipped in favour of the good ones :T

I understand re the keeping of laptop but she will not let you install software which could save her life - who is doing the control in the house?

She is, of course It by no means applies to all autistic families - I know some people manage admirably, and of course, every autistic individual is different - but it is a common denominator for many, that the control is in the hands of the autistic individual, simply because they are the ones who quite simply can not cope unless they retain at least some semblance of control.

If you mean who is in charge, then that's a different thing. That's still me and OH, I think And of course, the main responsibility for protecting and helping her will always be ours.

So I totally get what you are saying - obviously as the one in charge, it is my responsibility to take whatever measures are necessary in order to protect my child. I am totally with you there. Where the correlation breaks down though is that - even though I have never had a chance to parent a non-AS child - I know that most parents of NT children do have situations, very often in some cases, where the carp has to be cut through and where "Because I am your mother, that's why" is the only reason that needs to be given for an unpopular course of action.

It does not work like that here. It never has done. Trust me, I have tried, and tried, and tried - parenting has always been a huge struggle for me, and I always felt out of my depth. (DD has not been diagnosed until she was 11, so the autism-specific advice was never on my radar - I just kept trying the NT-friendly stuff) That's why I sought help and advice at every step, from whatever source was available. All the tried-and-tested techniques of dealing with challenging behaviour failed. And I did persevere, for years at a time, because people kept saying that you have to. My daughter still hasn't forgiven me for all the times I took a favourite thing away (the only thing that was keeping her sane, as she felt) in an attempt to discipline challenging behaviour :eek:

Eventually, and in desperation, I decided that the only way forward was to tell all well-wishers, fellow parents and experts where to stuff it, and to actually listen to my daughter. That's when I finally found something that works - and that's sweet reason. If I have to take something away, she needs to understand why I am doing it, and how it's going to benefit here. Furthermore, there always has to be an escape option - "don't do this" just does not compute. "Do this instead" does. Eventually

So when I say "she won't let me do it", yes, I probably do paint a picture of an ineffectual parent who is being terrorised by an unmanageble child. Well.... Perhaps that's not so far off the mark, I don't know :rotfl: But what I actually meant is that this is the one thing that I have not managed to convince her is necessary, and have not got an alternative escape route ready to replace it. I think that might have changed over the last couple of days though, thanks to the input from all of you kind enough to read this thread. I feel much more able to tackle it now

But also, I do need to add that I am very much aware that I do not always get things right - I fly by the seat of my pants much of the time, and well, if I got things right every time, we would not be where we are now, now would we ?

Thing is, it's been two years since we were last in a place as bad as this, and during those things I must have done something right. Now just for doing more of it, plus whatever additional thing needed in order to move us all from a really bad place to a better one

The way I visualise situation we are in at the moment is as a large, well-built, beautiful building which unfortunately does hide behind the facade a lot of faulty wiring. Re-wiring is impossible, so the only way to avert disaster is to make sure that not too many appliances with a huge drain on the electrics are plugged in at the same time, and while that is under control, things will tick over and the life in the building will continue happily and profitably.

However, what has happened is that one or more of the appliances have not functioned as well as we thought, have placed too much drain on the fragile wiring, and have overheated and caused a huge blaze in the centre of the building and a series of smaller fires around the perimeter.

First thing I had to do was to dampen down the perimeter fires in order to approach the big blaze and put it out. Once I have handled that, I had to go back and deal with the issues that were initially just dampened down, to make sure they do not flare up again and cause another big blaze. In the meantime, I also had to keep cooling the centre of the big blaze to keep it in check, but also because the onlly way do fully deal with it is to eventually remove the faulty appliance.

Pro ana sites is the fault appliance here, and until they are binned, the strain on the wiring will continue. I know they have to be blocked, but I can not do it until the building has cooled down sufficiently for me and DD to approach the epicentre without getting seriously burned.

Anywa, enough blah for now

Edit - I read further about your worry about the 'fallout' and I do get that...but all parents have to go through that whether their children have a condition or not. These sites can kill - you putting controls on is possibly the one thing that will save her. You cannot be round her 24/7 and if she is determined, she will find a way

See, at the moment I have to be around her 24/7 (when she's not at school, at least). I can not continue that indefinitely, agreed, so that is why her understanding of why I want her to stop what she's doing and her cooperation are vital, else we're stuffed. It has taken about six weeks since I found out about them for me to get to the point where I can finally think of dealing with them (which is why I am here, actually, trying to make sense of all the data inside my own head, and picking you guys' brains), and the reason it took so long is, well, because anorexia kills slowly, whilst knives, razors, paracetamol overdoses, and even untrollable meltdowns can kill instantly. I had to handle those other dangers first.

It's great fun living here at the mo, I tell ya. I have not shaved my 'pits for a month cos I keep forgetting to dig out a razor from its hiding place and keep it to the bathroom; a headache means half an hour of removing decoys to dig out the box where they hide, and then the bloody things do not do the job anyway as the only thing that works well for me is paracetamol, and that's one I do not dare have in the house as it can kill even if you found soon enough and have your stomach pumped. And the bedtime routine involves locking up the kitchen knives.....

And none of that would be enough on its own if I did not manage to communicate to her the necessity of stopping with self-harm or resisting the temptation to overdose on painkillers. If someone is determined to damage themselves, they can do it in a padded cell.