Moral dilemma - Just don't know what to do

moneypenny2k

I'm hoping to get some 3rd person perspective here, not sure if it's the right place but it's the best fit I can find. Sorry the post is so long.

I have a male friend who is 56, I'm a 51 year old divorced woman. He's not a boyfriend and he has a gf that lives in Bucks whom he goes to see most weekends.

A couple of years ago he lost his job and as a consequence lost his rented flat. He has done a couple of temp jobs since but nothing permanent. He's quite well qualified and was high up in a housing association so he's finding it hard to find any work as lower ranking jobs go to people with less experience and jobs that would be good for him go to younger and cheaper applicants.

Anyhow, he was living with a friend, but they fell out and he rang me and asked if he could move into my spare room. Having been caught on the back foot I said yes. He's been living in my spare room since June. I find him good company but I do miss having my own space and feel a bit constricted by having to take somebody else's tv choices into account and so on.

We both buy shopping as and when it's needed, not sure if it's fair but I tried to get him to do a joint shop once a week but it just didn't work out. We take it in turns to cook a main meal, each being responsible for the main ingredient.

Anyhow, my dilemma is I feel I'm being taken for a bit of a mug. He has for the past 3 months given me half the gas and electric bill. I didn't even feel comfy asking him for that as I'm not sure of his financial status. I know he gets a small pension and tells me he can't get housing benefit. Am I being taken for a ride? He's playing havoc with my social life and romantic life though my bf is very understanding. (I don't feel comfortable having people over when there is somebody else around)

Do I ask him for more towards the cost of providing roof over his head? Do I ask him to find somewhere else to live?

BitterAndTwisted

Is he paying you anything over and above the half share of the gas and electricity bills?

amibovvered

I think if I were you I would try suggesting he finds somewhere else to live in the New Year. That gives him a couple of months (albeit with Christmas getting in the way) and by then he'll have been with you for at least 6 months - I don't think anyone could say you were being unreasonable having housed him for 6 months! Does he have other ties in the area? Why doesn't he go and live with his girlfriend and look for work round there?

I think you've been very generous and it's a shame that he is taking advantage of you.

elsien

Your first decision is do you want him to stay and pay a proper rent, or do you want him to move out and have your own space back?
You've helped him out as a friend now for the best part of 6 months and I would say he is definitely taking you for granted.
In terms of money, half the gas and leccy just isn't enough. You've got water rates as well, insurance, presumably you've lost your single person council tax discount, and probably loads of other stuff on top. Plus all the store cupboard food, cleaning materials, wear and tear on the electricals, the list could go on.......
If you like his company, do it properly with a proper rent.
If you want your own space, ask him to start looking elsewhere and give him a timescale. What's the reason he can't get housing benefit, and how was he paying the friend he shared with before? Or did they by any chance fall out because he wasn't paying his way there either?
He may be a friend, but it does sound to me like he's taking you for a bit of a ride. He hasn't exactly got much incentive to find a job if you're carrying him, and to be honest, his financial status isn't your problem. Unless you want him there for years to come.

Edit - and if you want time to yourself, ask him to watch his own telly in his own room. If he was a lodger you'd expect them to do that. It is your house at the end of the day.

moneypenny2k

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Is he paying you anything over and above the half share of the gas and electricity bills?

No, his only other contribution is that he's been doing some of the housework and paying for the meals he cooks when it's his turn.

moneypenny2k

elsien wrote: »

Edit - and if you want time to yourself, ask him to watch his own telly in his own room. If he was a lodger you'd expect them to do that. It is your house at the end of the day.

He doesn't have a TV in his room, it's tiny, just 8ft square and all his stuff is in storage, otherwise I would.

As for what I want, I'm just not sure. I think I'd feel guilty if I told him to move out. Plus I'm dreading having to have a conversation with him. It's just not in my make up to ask for things even when I'm due them

BitterAndTwisted

As has been suggested already you are being far too kind and generous. You should have agreed that he pays you a certain amount for rent when he first moved in. He's now been there for six months and all it's cost him is his share of the food and three month's share of the utilities.

I reckon psychologically he's occupying far too much of your home-space if you are reluctant to have your OH over. You must not feel like that or you will be relinquishing too much control.

As another poster has said you need to decide whether you are going to continue to have him as a house-guest or that you want your space back. Once you've made that decision, if you are OK with him remaining you must get him to pay a fair amount of rent to compensate you for what it's really costing you to have him there and for the lack of privacy and autonomy.

busiscoming2

All the while you let him get away with it he will stay. Friend or not, you are losing out both financially and emotionally. You HAVE to decide if you want him to stay or go and then sit him down and explain why you want him gone or how much rent you want. Also if he is getting housing benefit, that is for rent, so as I believe (someone correct me if Im wrong) he is telling the benefit people he is paying rent!

elsien

If his belongings are in storage, presumably he's paying for that. So he has got some spare cash. Obviously he needs to keep his stuff somewhere - if he found his own place he could use the money he's paying for storage towards the rent.
You shouldn't feel guilty about asking him to move, if that's what you want. As far as friendship goes, you've already gone over and above, and he's abusing your generosity. Just bear in mind that the longer the situation goes on as it is now, the harder it is going to be to tackle it with him. You need to bite the bullet and have the conversation (whichever way it goes) sooner rather than later. If he's genuinely a friend, he will take on board your point of view, even if he doesn't like it. And if he doesn't, you would appear to have a different idea of what friendship is.

kazwookie

I would ask him to move out in the New Year as has been suggested. Personally I think you are being taken for a ride / mug.

There is a web site that does house / flat / rent room shares but I forget what it is called, you could point him in that direction.

Errata

moneypenny2k wrote: »

He doesn't have a TV in his room, it's tiny, just 8ft square and all his stuff is in storage, otherwise I would.

As for what I want, I'm just not sure. I think I'd feel guilty if I told him to move out. Plus I'm dreading having to have a conversation with him. It's just not in my make up to ask for things even when I'm due them

You have two choices. Either discuss a moving out date in the very early New Year with him, or stay shtum and accept he'll still be with you in 20 years time.
He's taking financial advantage of you. He knows it and I suspect you know it. Why do you have to work your socks off so he doesn't have to?