When to stop going "home" for christmas?

mandarinduck

I've had this dilemma every year. My parents are divorced so that's two options but of course there is my OH's family as well. In an ideal world we'd see all of them for an hour or so on Xmas day but it's not possible as they all live in different towns and we don't drive. Last year we said we'd 'cycle' round and visit a different house each year on the day but this year we agreed we wanted more time together. So instead, we've decided to stay at home. It seems to me that - even if you're not religious - Christmas day should be a special day. If you spend the day feeling stressed, guilty or clockwatching, it defeats the object. And if I was my parents I'd be wanted to watch telly with mince pies, brandy and my feet up rather than cooking xmas roast for the 30th year running anyway

supa-girl

Both DH and I have divorced parents - so that is 4 sets of parents! :eek: So we decided to start staying at home for xmas day itself but we do try to see everyone over the xmas and new year period. Being at home means the kids can play with their presents, the younger kids can have their naps in their own beds at the right time and DH and I can have a drink in the evening without worrying about driving. We can also create new traditions as a family which is nice.

As we have a big family, we tend to have just us and the kids for "dinner" as we couldn't fit anyone else at the table. We do however have an open house policy in the morning or afternoon, so if anyone does want to drop in and see us/the kids, have a drink and a mince pie then they are more than welcome.

It wasn't popular at first but people are fine with it now. At the end of the day we can't be in 4 places at once and the most important people on the day now are our children.

I would say do what works for you, but do make sure you ge to see your family at some point during the xmas break.

SG

LalaGomay

I haven't stopped going home yet and am just in my thirties.
But that's because I really enjoy it. if I didn't like doing it I would have stopped years ago and made some excuse. It's perfectly acceptable to say you want to spend it with your boyfriend, and that you're a little family unit now.
I would be happy for my boyfriend to come to my parents' house for Christmas, but I would never go to his parents'. it would kind of ruin Christmas to not spend it with my Mum, Dad, brother, sister etc.
Obviously one day me and the boyfriend will have to end up spending it just the two of us, but until we have a nice cosy house of our own (instead of rented flats) that doesn't seem all that Christmassy!

Amethyst_ice

Hia guys, thanks for so many replies, its really interesting to hear everyones stories (i cant thank everyones posts but every post has some great points in it!)

My family situation is when i was 12 my dad ran off with his young fling 2 weeks before christmas. From then on christmas has never really had the same feel to me but as i have a younger sister i have always "made the effort".

Last year my bf was working lots around xmas and he ended up coming to mine christmas evening after spending the morning with his family. He was going to do the reverse this year but his family are asking me over now. We are all spread out (me and bf in brum, my fam mid wales, his fam herefordshire and gloucestershire). he only has evening christmas eve to boxing day morning free before going to work and we have 6 small pets that cant be left long (plus i would want them to be alone , some are quite old!).

We are going back for a wedding where my mum, sis (14) and half brother (5) are the weekend before but due to my bfs work we cant actually stay any extra time. Time is so tight and hard pressed. Its more my lil sis im worried about upsetting. I thought i could go home say 27th-30th but then i have visions of her throwing a stroppy at me and my mum accusing me of chosing my bf over them as "we arnt married".

i dont have a table and chairs in my house so to try make it proper christmassy id have to get one but tbh i am a little selfish and i like the way i cook roasts, ive had his families roasts n they arnt the same (lol) and with his family being so large i find them quite intimidating at times.I get on with them but i feel i have to act..civil and polite rather than just kick my socks off and not have to mind my language! They are also mainly a "grown up" family whereas mine are still quite...kiddy christmas- does that makes sense. I still like the jokey "oooh santa has come" and dont really feel ready for the sit down civilised, drink a brandy and watch the queens speech like they do!

but then i dont think my bf would leave me at our house and go have the evening with his fam- even though like one poster said- id be quite happy to curl up, watch some films snuggled with the pets and a baileys

arghhhh...need to decide soon i guess sigh

thanks guys x

mrsb83_2

My and (now) DH have had six Christmases together.

The first we spent in California having an awesome time. That was the first we'd spent away from our families. The second he was working so we spent it with our respective families, and saw each other for an hour on Christmas Eve. It was a bit sad.

The third, we'd moved into our house and spent most of Christmas day driving around to make sure we'd see everyone. It was so exhausting that we decided to have Christmas Day with just the two of us at home, which is what we've done ever since, and will continue to do. We'd gotten married that year which made it easier to break away. We were 23 BTW.

My parents have had Christmas Dinner at my grandmother's house for 30 years - my mother has never made a Christmas dinner! We go visiting family on Christmas Eve and have had a couple of Boxing Day parties at home, so I really don't feel like we miss out.

I think it's great to start your own Christmas traditions. And in my experience, people understand why you'd want to do it (even in a Christmas-mad family like mine there were no issues with us being on our own). If you think you'd like it, the earlier you should start!

jakes-mum

I've been with my husband for 14 years now (met when I was 17 and living at home) first christmas after meeting he took me to spain for the christmas week so we didnt spend it with either family. After that we worked it that one year we went to my mums who lives in the next village, next year we went to his mothers who lives 200 miles away and the 3rd year my mum & dad came to our house for xmas (his parents never come to us for xmas as all the rest of their family lives really close to them). This year will actually be our first year doing christmas alone and we just told both parents that now we have 2 children we really wanted to do a christmas as a family. His mum has just been down to see us for a few days and my mum & dad will be coming boxing day.

sunrise27_2

my son is talking about moving out with his girlfriend next year and I know I will find it very hard especially at Christmas
however I was dismayed when I heard them talking and his girlfriend was saying that maybe next christmas she would spend the day with her family and he could spend the day with us
as much as I would love to see him on Christmas day and will miss him so much if we don't it would break my heart if they were separated on their first christmas day in their new home.
I texted her and said that she must never think they have to do separate things on christmas day to keep everyone happy and as much as I will miss my son she will be his top priority and I respect and understand that
I told her that as long as we see them at some point over the holidays I will be happy and luckily her Dad has said the same thing to them
don't get me wrong I'm not good at change and will hate it lol but I have to let him go so that he will 'come back ' if that makes sense.

jojostevie_123

Hey I kinda know how you feel. I'm 25 and been going to my grans since I was born. Last year my partner came to my grans. I used to go and stay at my mums xmas eve then go there but last year we stayed in my flat and my cousin drove us down which was really nice. Unfortunately my partner has moved from Edinburgh to London so I'm planning on going down there to spend it with his family because his mother is coming across from Nigeria and his brothers family from Germany all who I have never met before.

My sister has been making some remarks about not going don't know if they are aimed at my mum as she said she would rather just stay at home because she does it every year and wishes her siblings would take a turn.

I reckon you've got to live life your way you can't please everyone.

cat04

Making decisions about seeing family and going 'home' at Christmas is hard, but as others have said, do what YOU think is best for YOU. Christmas is supposed to be a happy time and it's not much fun if you're not as happy as you could be at home. But OP, every family has its issues etc like you've told us about and it does take a lot of thinking about.

I got married at 18 (and yes, I'm now divorced!) and moved 75 miles away from 'home' and the first Xmas we went to my Mum and Dad's (Leeds) on Xmas Eve, did pressies and dinner on 'the day', then went to his parent's (Sheffield) where they were just serving up dinner...he had 2 dinners the pig! I digress, the next few years would be a repeat apart from we would leave Leeds after opening pressies and have dinner with his parents - just not the same as my mum's but the choice wasn't mine.

Once DD1 arrived we did this for the 1st year (she was only 8 weeks old) but then he 'decided' that we would stay at home and see family before/after Xmas Day. I felt so sad not seeing my parents and brother on Xmas Day, and if it wasn't for DD1 it would have been a nightmare. DD2 arrived and we had Xmas at home although this time we went to our lovely neighbours for diner as I was far too ill to cook lol. We split up soon after this and I met my current OH. That 1st Xmas together we went 'home' to my parent's and it was LOVELY! No bad feelings, no being made to feel guilty by OH for actually enjoying being with my family - best of all I got to have my mum's Xmas dinner after 10 years! Last year we spent Xmas Day with OH's family (10 minute drive away) which was lovely. This year we haven't talked about it yet so who knows!

Oops, that was a bit of a long one, but it made me feel a bit better I went along with my ex's orders for so long and I really wish I'd put my foot down at the time, but at least I know that my wonderful OH would never force me to not see my family over the festive period

roy_harper

I had my worst Christmas ever about 8 years ago.
My kids were still spending alternate Christmas with me one year, and ex the following year.
My Dad passed away and Mum went into an old folks home. One brother in hospital with a heart attack and five hundred miles away.
I sat alone, with a Chicken Ceasar salad, and went to bed early.
So all I can say is, make the most of your family while they're with you.