Cremation

xoxo_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I know it's hard but maybe you could try to change your patterns of thinking about it?

Thats what i'm trying to do by posting this, I think:o I just want to understand his choices rather than worry about them and have bad feelings about it, I think I don't know

I know I need to learn to accept it myself because I doubt this is the last time it's going to come up in my life (at 22 with a large family, I expect I have a fair few more losses to deal with before its my turn ) but its something I feel so strongly about that I think I just need to gain some understanding of it, because I probably just don't 'get' the reasons for cremation over burial - hence the strong feelings against it. In my head it's like saying we love this person but we're going to set fire to them, but I know it's obviously not that simple at all so i'm just hoping to understand it more and accept what people choose, I guess

After my mums mum passed away and was cremated I made her, and my Dad, promise that despite their wishes they would never ask to be cremated because I just couldn't 'deal' with burning their bodies, and I know it's unfair and I need to respect their personal choices I just don't know how, so I think I need to gain more understanding of it to accept it.

Thanks everyone for your replies, they are helping

I see a few people have mentioned space and land and claustrophobia etc. My grandad has chosen to be cremated then have his ashes buried which I think is whats making it even harder to understand. My Grandma was scattered about 200 miles from her 'home' so I could see why it was chosen for her, but not this time If it was about the space or the worms, why choose to be buried after?:( Oh god, I don't know I'm really struggling to understand but only have 4 days left to 'get it' before it's too late to go and say goodbye to him and I really really don't want to run out of time But at the moment the thought of being able to picture him exactly how he is now inside that coffin while it's burnt is scaring me so much I can't face seeing him and its breaking my heart He was like my second Dad for at least 15 years of my life, so not saying goodbye would be difficult, I just feel until I understand cremation I can't:(

The replies are helping though, so thanks. I wish I could thank you all 10x xx

rach83

Hello

Firstly, I am so very sorry for your loss.

Unfortuntely I have had to think about this at great length this year after losing my daughter at term during birth.

We chose to bury her but there is not a day that goes past when I dont think about her being in the ground and I find it so distressing. At the same time I could not get my brain around cremation either.

Sadly which ever way you look at it neither is nice. My daughter is buried very close to my grandfather and DF's grandparents and auntie. I try to take comfort in the fact that she is being looked after by all these relatives hopefully in a better place.

xxx

Money_maker

He may look the same lying there but really he has slipped away elsewhere and has just left his old body behind. He is no longer old, has no health problems and to my way of thinking will be returning in some form another day. I'm not religious, btw, just looking on death as a passageway from one place to another.

Despite what I said earlier about burial, I'm not really bothered about what happens to my ashes. They can be buried, scattered or put in the garden as I'll be gone.

I think it's the whole acceptance of passing away and coming to terms with the grief and pain that is clouding your thoughts a little. Those who pass away become free but those left behind suffer the most.

McKneff

I have lost many members of my family and friends in the past few years, my mam, dad and 2 good friends who died quite young are buried
and i have thoughts which i find difficult to deal with, thinking about them in that cold, cold place, rotting away, worms eating away at them, oh no. Im going to have nightmares.
My two younger brothers died and were creamated and i have no thoughts of their disposal by cremation, my thoughts when i think of them are when they died and what they died of but mostly my memories are of happier times when we grew up together, when we were at each others weddings, christenings etc. etc.
Ii is of course personal choice but i want a cremation, no misery, a fancy dress service and cremation (i love a good laugh and enjoy making people laugh, i have told my family so, because thats just me.
Your Granda wouldnt want you to me miserable.
Its a sad time for all of you, dont forget that.

JC9297

You ask why some people choose cremation over burial, you also ask in your first post if there is a religious reason. For a lot of people it is the lack of religion that makes them choose cremation, they accept that when you are dead that's it and there is nothing else - no afterlife or heaven or whatever, so there is no need to be buried in consecrated ground. When you are dead you will not know that your body is being burned, just as you would not know you are buried in a box underground. People do sometimes like to bury the ashes and have a headstone as a reminder of their loved ones and somewhere they can lay flowers in their memory.

FelinePrincess

I can't offer really offer any advice but I just wanted to say I feel the same about cremation. Fortunately, I haven't lost anyone close to me (touch wood) but I find the thought of cremating someone much more upsetting then burying them. To me it feels like, once they are cremated they are really gone and there's nothing left which to me is very upsetting whereas with burying they are still there in a way and I could slowly accept that they are gone. I know it sounds a bit crazy but it makes sense to me

Lyndatp25

Sorry to hear of the loss of your Grandad.

Think of his body as an old overcoat that he has walked out of. Something that he has no use for anymore. He is not there to be cremated or buried. He is probably happy to be free of it.

My mum has informed us that she has left her body to medical science. She has told us that she has filled in all the forms without asking any of us what we think. Apparently when they've finished with the body they will cremate it and send the ashes back to us. So we will have some sort of funeral about two years after she dies.

Secret_Lady

xoxo wrote: »

Thats what i'm trying to do by posting this, I think:o I just want to understand his choices rather than worry about them and have bad feelings about it, I think I don't know

I know I need to learn to accept it myself because I doubt this is the last time it's going to come up in my life (at 22 with a large family, I expect I have a fair few more losses to deal with before its my turn ) but its something I feel so strongly about that I think I just need to gain some understanding of it, because I probably just don't 'get' the reasons for cremation over burial - hence the strong feelings against it. In my head it's like saying we love this person but we're going to set fire to them, but I know it's obviously not that simple at all so i'm just hoping to understand it more and accept what people choose, I guess

After my mums mum passed away and was cremated I made her, and my Dad, promise that despite their wishes they would never ask to be cremated because I just couldn't 'deal' with burning their bodies, and I know it's unfair and I need to respect their personal choices I just don't know how, so I think I need to gain more understanding of it to accept it.

Thanks everyone for your replies, they are helping

I see a few people have mentioned space and land and claustrophobia etc. My grandad has chosen to be cremated then have his ashes buried which I think is whats making it even harder to understand. My Grandma was scattered about 200 miles from her 'home' so I could see why it was chosen for her, but not this time If it was about the space or the worms, why choose to be buried after?:( Oh god, I don't know I'm really struggling to understand but only have 4 days left to 'get it' before it's too late to go and say goodbye to him and I really really don't want to run out of time But at the moment the thought of being able to picture him exactly how he is now inside that coffin while it's burnt is scaring me so much I can't face seeing him and its breaking my heart He was like my second Dad for at least 15 years of my life, so not saying goodbye would be difficult, I just feel until I understand cremation I can't:(

The replies are helping though, so thanks. I wish I could thank you all 10x xx

I'm so sorry that you feel so bad, it's a difficult enough time for you; without the extra upset of worrying about the cremation.

I agree with what has been posted so far but in answer to your question why be cremated and then have the ashes buried.

Maybe your Grandad did have a fear of being buried underground/small confined spaces. Some people worry about being buried alive, which is why in Victorian days the well off had a piece of string with a little bell on the end of it tied to their finger, the bell was above ground; the reasoning being that if they woke up in a coffin, they could wiggle their finger and ring the bell.

Having ashes buried does not take up as much room as a grave for a coffin, so it still saves room and there is somewhere to visit if you want to, although I too believe that you can think about loved ones anywhere, it does not have to be where they are buried or where there ashes are scattered. Also, if he was worried about the being buried alive scenario, maybe he thought cremation followed by the burial of his ashes would be best.

Your Grandad must have had his reasons and I'm sure they were good ones but maybe hard for you to understand at the moment as you are so upset.

I'm sure that your Grandad would not want to be the cause of extra grief and would want you to remember him in happier times and as previous posters have said his spirit has left his body and it is only the shell that remains.

When you say "In my head it's like saying we love this person but we're going to set fire to them" why do you feel that loving a person and burying them underground is a better option?

At the end of the day, it is a persons right to choose to be buried or cremated and I think you have to honour their wishes.

Remember the person they were and all the happy times you shared and do go and say goodbye, you will regret it if you don't.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you and I'm really sorry for the pain you are going through.

mpet

My deepset sympathy for your loss.

Its strange how irrational we become over death - I guess losing a loved one over rules any common sense we should have over coming to terms with their wishes for burial/cremation. This is not meant as a dig at the OP or anyone else here:)

Personally I want to be cremated when I'm gone - one reason being, If when I die I have a limited estate, I don't want anyone to 'waste' their money on a more expensive 'send off'. I have also considered donating my body for medical research - but that is something I would make sure my family were comfortable with. Also, as a fan of Time Team, it gives me the 'willies' thinking that I might get dug up one day by a team of archaeologists! See what I mean about irrational!

I believe family should respect the wishes of the deceased however hard you may personally feel about it.

Ames

My dad wants to be cremated because he doesn't want us to have the 'hassle' of tending a grave that will go to ruin when we pass on anyway.

My mum wants to be buried because she's worried about there being a mistake.

Personally, I'd rather be cremated so that's the end and no-one feels obligated to visit my grave etc, but I don't like the environmental impact so I'd rather an eco burial with no religious involvement.

Both of my grandma's were cremated and I actually found it easier that way. We went to the service and said goodby to the closed coffin and that was it. I think I would have found it much harder to stand by and watch a coffin lowered into the ground and then have the soil put back on it. My memories are of them being alive, and celebrated at the service, rather than of watching what happened to the coffin afterwards and that being my final memory.