Squizz's Fizzy Diary

redsquirrel80

Argh. I seem to have progressed from grumpiness to minor meltdown.

Work, about 4pm yesterday - discovered that I'd made a mistake with something, months ago, but only just come to light. It's not the end of the world but I did get a bit of a 'telling off' from another department. Think I dealt with it OK (I suggested we meet up to sort out procedures between us) but couldn't stop thinking about it last night - doing my usual thing of feeling like it's the end of the world if I do something wrong. Tried to do some studying but was just useless and ended up wasting lots of time on the crossword instead. Went to bed knowing that if I woke up I'd think about it.

Got to sleep OK but had really horrible, upsetting dreams and woke up shaking. They were to do with real life events and I can't shift the thought of it all from my head this morning. Needless to say I did think about work in the middle of the night and I feel shattered today

Karmacat

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry ((((((((Squizz))))))))))))

It sounds like you handled it with the other person really well, suggesting a meet about procedures. And that raises an important issue: why did you make the mistake? You don't have to write about it on here, obviously, but its the first thing that comes to mind for me - if the remedy is to sort out procedures, then the issue is with the procedures ....

Can you do any exercise - even a stiff lunchtime walk - to burn off that stress adrenaline?

redsquirrel80

Thanks x

It was mainly down to not knowing what I was meant to do with a particular document I was sent - I should have passed it on rather than completing it myself.. and if I'd really thought about it I would have realised that but I guess I wasn't really thinking at the time, other than just about getting everything done. I suppose we can just learn from it and try to work out better procedures/ ways of communicating. The main thing I think that's brought it up is that it's both my parents' 60th birthdays this year so there'll be a few family events.. I don't know. I'll definitely be going out for a walk later, not really holding it together very well here.

The dream was strange though - in the circumstances, I would have expected to dream about work (and there was a bit of spreadsheet filling in at one point, lovely stuff to dream about) but mainly it was about family.. about my sister (who died when I was very young), going back to our old house, and things to do with childhood, nice things.. but the idea that they were a long time ago, and that she missed out on them.

Karmacat

Thats a huge mix, Squizz .... actually, what it screams out to me is about priorities - for instance, with me now, even tho I'm ill, blah blah blah, and even tho my brother in law packed loads into his life, I'm still luckier than he was because he's dead now, and I'm not .... I still have my chances. But of course, there's also tremendous grief for the one who never had those chances, lost those opportunities. Awareness of our own mortality too. But what thats like to have that in your childhood, not in your recent past like mine is, I'd think that'd be huge. Just be kind to yourself, and let it work itself out in your head when you can ....

Ellidee

Please try to be more kind to yourself Squizz -remember to err is human. I also think that when we wake in the wee small hours everything seems so much worse than it really is and when we feel low emotional pain from traumatic events in our past can come to the surface. :grouphug:

Karmacat

So, so true.

redsquirrel80

Thanks Elli.. I know I need to try and get over my habit of 'catastrophizing' when something goes wrong. Damn perfectionist streak...

I've been having a look at info about our staff counselling this morning - days like today it seems like it could be a good idea.

My parents were always really open in talking about my sister but I think there's a lot of unanswered questions there for me. It's strange how you can miss someone you didn't really know.

Karmacat

You didn't know her, Squizz, but you knew of her, and her absence would certainly have affected the family dynamic .... hope you're feeling a bit better.

redsquirrel80

I have a vague memory of her being there when I was very young, but yes it had a lot of impact on all of us.

I'm a bit better after having to get on with work, and having a good walk at lunchtime (although it was really lovely out there and I didn't want to come back). It's a funny thing, the brain.

redsquirrel80

Morning, feeling a bit better today, still a bit.. weird, but alright.

Got some really productive studying done last night, made a start on notes for my first essay - not quite sure where I'm going with it yet as the question is quite open, but I've got some ideas.

Also, think I have tracked down a 60th present for my mum (and it's from House of Fraser who have a £10 off voucher and 8% cashback on Quidco - she'd approve of that!)

Just realised I've not said much money-wise lately - everything is just ticking over really. No real opportunities for extra earning at the moment, although there should be a couple of things coming up with my second job in the next few months. I have also realised that I haven't updated my address with the DCAs.. not in a great rush to do that though!