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JSA stopped, think of suicide averyday

I think I may be destroyed. I don't know what to do. I have been depressed. I was prescribed anti depressants and sedatives to help get to sleep. That was over 2 years ago now I think. Shortly after that my doctor has seen be with cuts down my arms and I overdosed on the sedatives by like x8 just trying to get to sleep. They kept warning me I might stop breathing but I didn't care and they soon didn't want to prescribe them to me anymore.

I claimed JSA for the past year. In that time I applied for only 1 job. I got an interview and even went all the way down there (15 mile round trip cycle took some effort). But when I got there I couldn't face it and went home making an excuse I couldn't find it.

It got harder and harder to claim JSA. They started giving me appointments in the morning and wouldn't change it. I can't even get to sleep before the sun comes up sometimes. I missed some appointments and they stopped JSA for 4 months. When I said what am I supposed to do? people in the job center just told me to "get off my **** and get a job". Just applying for a job has been very difficult. It has been damaging and painful for me emotionally or mentally. I use it as evidence for showing how worthless I am which is not good when you feel like you are edging close to your first suicide attempt. Now I avoid doing applying for jobs. Which would explain the 1 application a year.

I am leaching off parents at the moment. If I was living by myself then I wouldn't be able to afford any food for 4 months. I don't know how to survive or what I am supposed to do now. Please help, this isn't right. It's not supposed to be like this. :(
just call me moo | my brain runs out of the box on a permanent basis
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Comments

  • dookar
    dookar Posts: 1,654 Forumite
    See your doctor, claim ESA
  • mandi
    mandi Posts: 11,932 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Stoptober Survivor
    edited 28 October 2010 at 1:09AM
    MooB wrote: »
    I think I may be destroyed. I don't know what to do. I have been depressed. I was prescribed anti depressants and sedatives to help get to sleep. That was over 2 years ago now I think. Shortly after that my doctor has seen be with cuts down my arms and I overdosed on the sedatives by like x8 just trying to get to sleep. They kept warning me I might stop breathing but I didn't care and they soon didn't want to prescribe them to me anymore.

    I claimed JSA for the past year. In that time I applied for only 1 job. I got an interview and even went all the way down there (15 mile round trip cycle took some effort). But when I got there I couldn't face it and went home making an excuse I couldn't find it.

    It got harder and harder to claim JSA. They started giving me appointments in the morning and wouldn't change it. I can't even get to sleep before the sun comes up sometimes. I missed some appointments and they stopped JSA for 4 months. When I said what am I supposed to do? people in the job center just told me to "get off my **** and get a job". Just applying for a job has been very difficult. It has been damaging and painful for me emotionally or mentally. I use it as evidence for showing how worthless I am which is not good when you feel like you are edging close to your first suicide attempt. Now I avoid doing applying for jobs. Which would explain the 1 application a year.

    I am leaching off parents at the moment. If I was living by myself then I wouldn't be able to afford any food for 4 months. I don't know how to survive or what I am supposed to do now. Please help, this isn't right. It's not supposed to be like this. :(

    I understand how you feel Moo, and it's an awful situation to be in.

    Can you speak to your doctor , and also a welfare rights advisor ?

    You are not worthless understand ?. Just stuck in a system that fails people unless the right boxes are ticked .

    Don't give up x
  • pcombo
    pcombo Posts: 3,429 Forumite
    To be fair.

    "I claimed JSA for the past year. In that time I applied for only 1 job. I got an interview and even went all the way down there (15 mile round trip cycle took some effort). But when I got there I couldn't face it and went home making an excuse I couldn't find it."

    I would stop your money in a flash second. Your obviously claiming the wrong benefit if you cant work.
  • mandi
    mandi Posts: 11,932 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Stoptober Survivor
    pcombo wrote: »
    To be fair.

    "I claimed JSA for the past year. In that time I applied for only 1 job. I got an interview and even went all the way down there (15 mile round trip cycle took some effort). But when I got there I couldn't face it and went home making an excuse I couldn't find it."

    Your obviously claiming the wrong benefit if you cant work.

    I agree Pcombo,

    I'm just unsure that Moo knows how to ?
  • paddedjohn
    paddedjohn Posts: 7,512 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture
    dookar wrote: »
    see your doctor, claim esa
    AS ABOVE,
    go to see a doctor asap, you need medical help first not benefit advice.
    Be Alert..........Britain needs lerts.
  • marleyboy
    marleyboy Posts: 16,698 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    A few Years ago I found myself at the edge, for what seemed like Years I felt worthless, to the point where everyday I would contemplate suicide (although it goes against my spiritual beliefs), it took me long enough to accept it was depression, I would find myself sobbing my eyes out and not knowing why, but when I made enquiries (anonymously) I got frustrated with all these advisor's telling me it was a medical condition and I should speak to the Doctor. I could not imagine the answer to my problems would be found in a bottle of tablets, thats no different to an alcoholic thinking the answer lies in a bottle.

    So I suffered in silence, for many Years, and over time it got worse and worse, to the point I took an overdose and hid myself in a forest where I thought the pain would end and nobody would know. I do remember before passing out that I had regrets, my Mother n Brother would be mortified and dreadfully upset over my death, something I did not want to happen.

    When I awoke, I was in hospital having a stomach pump with a tube down my throat. It was then that I was told to get treatment, either that or they would lock me up for my own protection. I was diagnosed depressive and prescribed anti depressants and sleeping tablets (which considering I overdosed was not a good combination). However all the tablets did was numb me, I could have won the lottery and not even flinched, I was literally a walking zombie.

    The only reason I mention it is to make you aware that you can fight it, I am happily settled down now with a family of my own. It takes a fight to snap yourself out of it, but in all reality its only YOU that can snap out of it, if you let it control you, you find the deeper you fall the faster the drop, it takes a lot to admit you have a problem, but you have already got to that point and in admitting it, you can see the problem thats eating away at you.

    You need to find something you enjoy, artists generally express their grief through their artwork, by talking it over, your releasing yourself from its grasp, diluting the effects by describing the cause.

    I never envisioned EVER being in the state of life I am now, I never look back at it. You need to grasp that there is light at the end of every tunnel, do whatever it takes to look towards the future, by only looking at the positive aspects in the present and accepting the past no longer exists.

    The more positive you feel, the more positive things come your way, whereas the more negative you allow to weigh you down, the more negative things will befall you. Its a fight and a hard challenge, treat life like a rollercoaster ride, it has its ups n downs, but keep looking at the positive aspects and discard all that is negative, and you will get through it.
    :A:dance:1+1+1=1:dance::A
    "Marleyboy you are a legend!"
    MarleyBoy "You are the Greatest"
    Marleyboy You Are A Legend!
    Marleyboy speaks sense
    marleyboy (total legend)
    Marleyboy - You are, indeed, a legend.
  • mandi
    mandi Posts: 11,932 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker Stoptober Survivor
    marleyboy wrote: »
    A few Years ago I found myself at the edge, for what seemed like Years I felt worthless, to the point where everyday I would contemplate suicide (although it goes against my spiritual beliefs), it took me long enough to accept it was depression, I would find myself sobbing my eyes out and not knowing why, but when I made enquiries (anonymously) I got frustrated with all these advisor's telling me it was a medical condition and I should speak to the Doctor. I could not imagine the answer to my problems would be found in a bottle of tablets, thats no different to an alcoholic thinking the answer lies in a bottle.

    So I suffered in silence, for many Years, and over time it got worse and worse, to the point I took an overdose and hid myself in a forest where I thought the pain would end and nobody would know. I do remember before passing out that I had regrets, my Mother n Brother would be mortified and dreadfully upset over my death, something I did not want to happen.

    When I awoke, I was in hospital having a stomach pump with a tube down my throat. It was then that I was told to get treatment, either that or they would lock me up for my own protection. I was diagnosed depressive and prescribed anti depressants and sleeping tablets (which considering I overdosed was not a good combination). However all the tablets did was numb me, I could have won the lottery and not even flinched, I was literally a walking zombie.

    The only reason I mention it is to make you aware that you can fight it, I am happily settled down now with a family of my own. It takes a fight to snap yourself out of it, but in all reality its only YOU that can snap out of it, if you let it control you, you find the deeper you fall the faster the drop, it takes a lot to admit you have a problem, but you have already got to that point and in admitting it, you can see the problem thats eating away at you.

    You need to find something you enjoy, artists generally express their grief through their artwork, by talking it over, your releasing yourself from its grasp, diluting the effects by describing the cause.

    I never envisioned EVER being in the state of life I am now, I never look back at it. You need to grasp that there is light at the end of every tunnel, do whatever it takes to look towards the future, by only looking at the positive aspects in the present and accepting the past no longer exists.

    The more positive you feel, the more positive things come your way, whereas the more negative you allow to weigh you down, the more negative things will befall you. Its a fight and a hard challenge, treat life like a rollercoaster ride, it has its ups n downs, but keep looking at the positive aspects and discard all that is negative, and you will get through it.

    Wow marley ,

    Your amazing :A
  • tcr_3
    tcr_3 Posts: 580 Forumite
    Moo, honey, I'm sorry if I'm going over the same ground as everyone else. But you need to get yourself off to the doctor and to tell them how bad you're feeling right now. That's the main thing you need to do today, if you can. If you can't manage that, how about talking to a family member or a friend to explain how bad you're feeling right now ?

    Or how about the Samaritans ? You can get them on 08457 90 90 90.

    The other thing you need to do is get some money in. From what you say, I don't think your well enough to claim Jobseeker's Allowance right now. But there's another benefit you can get called Employment & Support Allowance (it's for people who aren't well enough to work). There's another benefit available to people who have longer term health problems, it's called Disability Living Allowance.

    To claim Employment & Support Allowance call this number - 0800 055 6688
    And for Disability Living Allowance call this number - 0800 88 22 00

    Or speak to someone at the Welfare Rights team at your local council ... or drop into the CAB and see if someone can talk you through the benefit system, give you a few pointers.

    You take care.
    I no longer contribute to the Benefits & Tax Credits forum.
  • MooB
    MooB Posts: 258 Forumite
    Thank you for all the comments. It is rather heavy going.


    It is much easier for me to communicate like this to complete strangers than it is face to face with a person. I could see my GP again but the difficulty is trying to explain or say some of the things I have written. Trying to say to my GP "I need to claim ESA because..." will be ended with a long pause and I wont think of anything to say.

    People have called me intelligent before. Maths and science in school came fairly easily to me. Need to do well in school to get a better job, right? I have seen job adverts such as: "Cleaner. Duties include scrubbing toilets." But I have no chance of getting it because I do not meet the requirements. I could not even bare to apply for a job like that. But even if I did and get the job too then I would find that really depressing I don't think I could cope with it OK. If I apply but didn't get the job then I take that very badly and use it as evidence for explaining my worthlessness. Even worse than that is this feeling of being less than nothing. My very existence is not welcome. Even by me. I have been to college and also was at uni for 2 years but I am worthless. I cannot imagine why anyone would want to employ me. Even my own parent said "No one is going to want to give you a job. You look awful."

    As for needing some "personal responsibility" what do I need to say or do? I already know how much of an awful human being I am and don't doubt the fact that I really let myself know it. I already know I deserve nothing less than physical damage. Maybe I need more than some superficial cuts. I'm just going well over the limit of what I can cope with. In the past, the stress of it all has left me curled up on my bed shaking.
    just call me moo | my brain runs out of the box on a permanent basis
  • marleyboy
    marleyboy Posts: 16,698 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 29 October 2010 at 10:30AM
    You dont need to tell your doctor about ESA, just discuss how you are feeling, tell him the same things you have posted on here, he will diagnose your needs, from there you can concentrate on your career or benefits, there is no point stressing over a benefit without first dealing with your personal well being.

    I thought I was worthless, that nobody understands or indeed cares, turning in on myself and allowing such negative thoughts to swallow me up. Without first addressing that, nothing else will be achieved, as anything else around you will result in you thinking "I dont care, whats the point of trying when I am not worth it". This will only result in an ever decreasing circle.

    Every morning when I wake up I remind myself of how lucky I am to have all my limbs I can use, a comfy bed with a roof over my head. However unlucky I think I am in life, there will always be someone worse off than me. Yesterday is dead and buried, its only what we choose to do in the Now, that determines where we will be Tomorrow.

    Someone once put it as emotions are just a feeling, whether happy, sad, angry or guilty. When e look back at the happier times in life, we get a taste of what it felt like, the same applies to the sad times in life. Which is why it is better to be positive no matter how low we feel.

    If I lose a tenner, I dont constantly kick myself over it, I might do the moment I realise I have lost it, but from there I think to the positive outcome that, maybe someone worse off than me has found it.

    I have been in your shoes and know how you are feeling, it took me a long time and great effort to snap myself out of it, moreso because I didnt care so would never even try. The less I tried, the worse I felt, the worse I felt, the less I cared, this loop will just go round and round up until you decide to alter its course and change direction. Only YOU can get out of it, there is help available but without the desire, this help will be futile.

    I never imagined I would escape that trap, now I look back at those times of my life I just wasted, I will never get them back, yet life is too short for me to dwell on what was, what is the point of me stressing about it?, crying about it is not going to change what was.

    We have to make the most of what we do have in life, from there we can excel ourselves and become better for it.
    :A:dance:1+1+1=1:dance::A
    "Marleyboy you are a legend!"
    MarleyBoy "You are the Greatest"
    Marleyboy You Are A Legend!
    Marleyboy speaks sense
    marleyboy (total legend)
    Marleyboy - You are, indeed, a legend.
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