seperating.. help i dont know what to do

jammy_dodger

amidst my tears i have read other similar posts but i still dont know what to do i really am for the first time inmy life numb and cant see forward

i shall try and keep it brief

have been maried nearly 20 years but things havent been great for a while its like been i,ve living with a brother not a husband we get on but dont share common ground
found out last night that he has seeing someone else he admits it and we agree we cant live together anymore
we have 2 children eldest just started uni youngest is 14 we live quite remote and apart from work i have very few friends close by and no other family either

my initial reaction when i confronted him was that i would find a place to rent for me and kids i cant stay with him as i am so unhappy and know we have to go our separtae ways but he says he would move out

says we shall talk about it tomorrow he has gone to football ...speaks volumes i guess...

should i stay put or go ? the house is paid for so thers no mortgage and i earn a reasonable wage so i could support myself not in any fit state to go in to work so just rang in to say couldnt go in yest and today for personnal reasons ,, i just dont know what to do next where do i go from here ?

your thoughts and support would be most welcome thanks

lilac_lady

Be strong - your life will be better once everything is settled. If your OH has agreed to move out, I'd let him go and stay in the family home if you can do that financially.

You'll get support (and opinions) here so keep posting. Good luck.

zzzLazyDaisy

(((((((Hugs))))))))

Will your 14 yr old continue to live with you? If so, I would strongly advise you to stay put for the moment at least and let him move out. You need to keep a roof over your child's head, and you also need to keep things as stable as possible - s/he will have enough upheaval without losing their home as well.

You also need to consider finances - yes you work, but your husband also needs to pay towards child's expenses. Visit the CSA website to find out how maintenance is calculated. You may be able to come to an amicable agreement, but you should at least know how these things work.

The next thing you need to do is go and see a good matrimonial solicitor, Ask around friends who have been in a similar situation if you can and get a recommendation. You need to know what your rights are, and what to expect. This doesn't mean that you have to start divorce proceedings, or anything like that, but you do need to know where you stand, legally.

It may all work out, he may come back when the stars have fallen from his eyes, you may not want him back by then. Lots of things can happen, but at the moment you are upset and confused. Call a friend, sink a bottle of wine, cry as much as you need... but also, make sure you know where you stand, legally.

Hugs again

Daisy

jammy_dodger

thanks lilac lady i cant stop crying it hurts so much

jammy_dodger

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

(((((((Hugs))))))))

Will your 14 yr old continue to live with you? If so, I would strongly advise you to stay put for the moment at least and let him move out. You need to keep a roof over your child's head, and you also need to keep things as stable as possible - s/he will have enough upheaval without losing their home as well.

You also need to consider finances - yes you work, but your husband also needs to pay towards child's expenses. Visit the CSA website to find out how maintenance is calculated. You may be able to come to an amicable agreement, but you should at least know how these things work.

The next thing you need to do is go and see a good matrimonial solicitor, Ask around friends who have been in a similar situation if you can and get a recommendation. You need to know what your rights are, and what to expect. This doesn't mean that you have to start divorce proceedings, or anything like that, but you do need to know where you stand, legally.

It may all work out, he may come back when the stars have fallen from his eyes, you may not want him back by then. Lots of things can happen, but at the moment you are upset and confused. Call a friend, sink a bottle of wine, cry as much as you need... but also, make sure you know where you stand, legally.

Hugs again

Daisy

thank you so much for your support, i feelso alone and feels strange pouring my heart out on here but it may help me focus

i did ring my bestest pal this morning and poured my heart out she was so shocked as we portrayed a solid couple iit hurts to think forward, i keep thinking all those years gonewe had been together 24 years my son will be staying with me i havent spoke to him yet and my daughter i shall leave it till i see her in dec when she comes home she is so far away doing her studies nad i dont wish to worry her with such sad news

sueeve

While this is absolutely awful for you, stay put and don't do anything in a hurry. Hoe much I agree with zzzLazyDaisy. It is not impossible that things may turn round. If it does, and if it does not, nothing is gained by making quick decisions. Know where you stand legally and keep this at the back of your mind, and also think about what YOU want. Your children are old enough to cope, and also to visit him without you, so that is one tricky area avoided. Above all be open at the moment; perhaps he needs things like football to come to terms with what he is doing.

jammy_dodger

thanks sueeve ,"legally "makes it sound so formal and final but you are all right am going to have to get my head round it
i thought when he said he was going to footy that it was cruel but we were never going to achieve anything both numb with the realisation and crying so its given me and hopefully him chance to think things in a practical sence

i know last night he said he would move out but to my knowledge he has nowhere to go either no family or close friends to stay with so he is going to have to rent a flat or something and what if he changes his mind and doesnt want to leave our home ...

i have always been the one to deal with money side of things so thankfully we have no large debts but oh may struggle i guess i should look at own bank accounts ?everything we have including small amount of savings (put by to help uni dd out) is in joint names
sorry to burden you all but all these thoughts are in my muddled head

globetraveller

Going to the football may be more about him not wanting to come any decisions, rather than really wanting to see the match.
If you do go through with the spilt in the longterm you may want a fresh start in a new home. I have several friends who felt better once they had moved into their own house. In the short term, you really must stay put.
Getting good legal advice is the best way forward. I have seen splits which started off reasonably amicably and then turned for the worse once the ex found a new life and didn't like the informal agreements which had been set up.
I totally understand your relationship as OH and I were like that for a few years. It took a near split for us to realise what we are about to lose and to re ignite the feelings and passions we used to have. This happened years ago but I still remember vividly the pain I went through at that time.
Whatever happens in your situation I wish you all the best.

BitterAndTwisted

Contact the bank on Monday and ensure that any cheques written via the joint account need to have both signatures. That way, no money can be syphoned off without you knowing.

Maybe have a look online (maybe RightMove) for the prices of one-bed properties in your area so you know what sort of expenses your husband will have to meet by living alone. Do not under any circumstances agree to move out of the family home while you have a child to take care of! No matter how painful it might appear for you to remain. His decision to end the relationship means that he should be the one to leave.

DO NOTHING ON THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT! This is a very difficult time and you can't expect yourself to make considered and sensible decisions while you are in such a terrible state of shock and grief.

Michelin

First of all, lots of hugs to you. I can totally understand how you must be feeling today but talk on here and you will get lots of advice and support.

I agree with globetraveller that I think he probably went to football just for you both to have some space. You sound very level headed and it is good to have a bit of space. I would stay put, especially as you have a 14 year-old to consider and let him move out at the moment. Are you both sure the relationship is over? If so, then you need to get legal advice as to the next steps. Time apart may be good for you both to get your thoughts in order.

Mr.Mulla

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I'll pray that you'll be strong all through this. And you are not alone, you still have your children and you have us here.

Like the other post, I would also advice that you stay at your home and let him move out instead. I think it is the least that he can do after making you go through all this.

Again, please be strong for your children and for yourself. Remember that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.