Smoking....

vickyn_2

snowdrop1967 wrote: »

You have my sympathy. My mum is a heavy smoker and although she knows I hate the smell of smoke she has never stopped smoking in front of my children when we visit. I dont like it but it is her home and we just try not to stay too long and have to shower and wash our clothes afterwards. She has suffered from depression and doesnt like going out and doesnt stay very long when she visits us. We are not close though and as my daughters are getting older it is becoming increasingly harder for me to persuade them to go round and visit.

Snowdrop, that sounds so familiar, and I guess at least my mum has the decency to go outside, she knows I wouldn't take the kids round at all if she didn't. I don't feel close to my mum, she has no ambitions, never worked since she had me, but she wastes her life, because she is so intelligent etc, it infuriates me and has always driven me on to be the complete opposite!!

I know that is the situation I will end up in that the kids when they get older won't want to go round, so I may as well make plans now for her to try coming here, then at least I've tried every avenue.

rugbymum

Hi OP
Big hugs to you for your situation.
I, like your mum have severe depression, my best friend has accompianied me to the GP before now! You and your sister can actually make an appointment with your mum's GP and explain to him/her what is going on, they will be able to gently chat to your mum about what is going on at the next appointment.
Your mum won't leave the house because it is her refuge. It may be smelly & untidy but it is like a security blanket. Of course she can leave the house to get booze & fags! She is an addict, she will always find a way.
I would suggest, next time you visit, go without the children but prepared to take her home with you. If she asks why, tell her - GENTLY - it's because the children don't like the smell of smoke but are dead keen to see their Grandmother, and that if she wants to see them she needs to go with you. Agree a time for her to be back home and stick to it.
It's a crappy situation but the first step is to see her GP. Best of luck with the baby!

vickyn_2

rugbymum wrote: »

Hi OP
Big hugs to you for your situation.
I, like your mum have severe depression, my best friend has accompianied me to the GP before now! You and your sister can actually make an appointment with your mum's GP and explain to him/her what is going on, they will be able to gently chat to your mum about what is going on at the next appointment.
Your mum won't leave the house because it is her refuge. It may be smelly & untidy but it is like a security blanket. Of course she can leave the house to get booze & fags! She is an addict, she will always find a way.
I would suggest, next time you visit, go without the children but prepared to take her home with you. If she asks why, tell her - GENTLY - it's because the children don't like the smell of smoke but are dead keen to see their Grandmother, and that if she wants to see them she needs to go with you. Agree a time for her to be back home and stick to it.
It's a crappy situation but the first step is to see her GP. Best of luck with the baby!

Thanks, I didn't realise I and my sister could visit the GP without that being our practice, so I may consider that. Visiting without the kids is the issue, I don't have anyone to care for them am on my own with them all the time when not working, as hubby works very long hours and is often away. But, I think I will do as I plan and explain that instead of us coming to her, she will come to ours and that will be best all round.

I know it's her refuge, for lots of reasons she loves her flat even though it is very poorly maintained by the landlord, and she has already told me she will never leave, which I fully understand.

I would always make sure she was home at a reasonable time, as again, I understand her need to feel secure in the evenings etc, but was thinking it would be even nicer for her to be here and help out with the nice things like bath time and bedtime stories. I will have to see how it goes.

We are also struggling a bit with money and my car is a total luxury and it looks like we may well have to sell it, which will mean I cannot collect my Mum or realistically get to hers during the week anyway, but I will worry about that time when it comes...

I guess I also worry that if I speak to her doctor, won't it be obvious that I've done that, how else would the doctor glean that information, I can imagine my mum being very cross with me about that.

Sorry, I also forgot to add that I hope you are coping with your depression. I know of so many people that suffer and have been there myself in the past, so I have an insight and it is a dreadful condition. All the best and thanks again.

meritaten

I am NOT being critical - but you dont really know your mum do you?
To you she is mum, an alkie, a smoker and a bit of a slob. what was she BEFORE she had you? do you know anything about her early life?
she sounds a sad person to me - who has given up on life and prefers to be either !!!!!! or online and in fantasy land. that could be a person who had grand hopes and dreams and had them dashed - or someone who was brought up that way. Up to you to find out if you want to help mum.
and yes there is nothing stopping you speaking to her GP! she/he wont tell you anything but you may help her/him with your mums treatment. (and at least the GP will know that you care)

vickyn_2

meritaten wrote: »

I am NOT being critical - but you dont really know your mum do you?
To you she is mum, an alkie, a smoker and a bit of a slob. what was she BEFORE she had you? do you know anything about her early life?
she sounds a sad person to me - who has given up on life and prefers to be either !!!!!! or online and in fantasy land. that could be a person who had grand hopes and dreams and had them dashed - or someone who was brought up that way. Up to you to find out if you want to help mum.
and yes there is nothing stopping you speaking to her GP! she/he wont tell you anything but you may help her/him with your mums treatment. (and at least the GP will know that you care)

I am a bit confused by your comment. Before she had me, erm, she was the same, she openly boasts that she drank and smoked all the way through her pregnancy with me!! She admits that she could not wait to stop work and had no intentions of ever going back to work. Yes, I know a lot about my mum's early life, I was quite close to my gran, her mum (who was 100% teetotal and worked past her retirement age and looked after me and my sis at least 4 nights a week whilst my parents were out socialising). So, I struggle with the grand hopes and dreams, she honestly didn't have any other than to have children and bring up a family and she tells me she's happy with her life etc. I find it all very despairing, because I have nothing in common with her and yes, I have tried and tried, offering to take her out, her to come here, etc and a lot of it is rejected.

I do want to help her, if I can, but I'm utterly aware that unless someone admits they have a problem, they can't be helped. I know after trying to live with an abusive alcoholic for 3 years.

I will definitely speak to my sister about seeing/speaking to her GP, but how will the GP then approach my mum, will she have to say that we told her? My mum will hit the roof, I know she will and might not want anything to do with me after that!!

Just to add, really, my dad was the one with ambitions and dreams, he wanted to go back and live in the US when he met my mum but she refused to go, same when I moved abroad for a while, he wanted to come and visit us, but she didn't want to come. He was the one with the drive and ambition to run his own business and always helped me with my ambitions, such as when I moved into my own home, went abroad etc whereas my mum would say things such as 'It will never last you'll be back here in 6 months' when I bought my own home aged 18 and 'I can't be happy for you' when we had the fantastic opportunity of living abroad for a short while....

Sorry, this is turning into a bit of a rant against my mum, which isn't totally fair, she is a good person, so intelligent and could give so much more, it's that that makes me sad and the fact that I want her to be there for her grandkids.

rugbymum

vickyn wrote: »

Thanks, I didn't realise I and my sister could visit the GP without that being our practice, so I may consider that. Visiting without the kids is the issue, I don't have anyone to care for them am on my own with them all the time when not working, as hubby works very long hours and is often away. But, I think I will do as I plan and explain that instead of us coming to her, she will come to ours and that will be best all round.

I know it's her refuge, for lots of reasons she loves her flat even though it is very poorly maintained by the landlord, and she has already told me she will never leave, which I fully understand.

I would always make sure she was home at a reasonable time, as again, I understand her need to feel secure in the evenings etc, but was thinking it would be even nicer for her to be here and help out with the nice things like bath time and bedtime stories. I will have to see how it goes.

We are also struggling a bit with money and my car is a total luxury and it looks like we may well have to sell it, which will mean I cannot collect my Mum or realistically get to hers during the week anyway, but I will worry about that time when it comes...

I guess I also worry that if I speak to her doctor, won't it be obvious that I've done that, how else would the doctor glean that information, I can imagine my mum being very cross with me about that.

Sorry, I also forgot to add that I hope you are coping with your depression. I know of so many people that suffer and have been there myself in the past, so I have an insight and it is a dreadful condition. All the best and thanks again.

Hey sweetie, your Mum's GP will know how best to approach the subject, so don't worry too much. If the sh*t DOES hit the fan then you need to make it clear to her that you are desperately worried because you love her.
It isn't about being home at a reasonable time. When you are depressed just talking to other people and interacting with them can be an utterly exhausting time emotionally. By giving your Mum a timeframe she will be able to say to herself " I can do this for x number of hours".
Her flat is a refuge. She can hide from the world and everything that comes with interacting with it. That way she doesn't need to feel or react to anything that will make her feel (she may be so emotionally numb that, that is how she copes with life).

vickyn_2

rugbymum wrote: »

Hey sweetie, your Mum's GP will know how best to approach the subject, so don't worry too much. If the sh*t DOES hit the fan then you need to make it clear to her that you are desperately worried because you love her.
It isn't about being home at a reasonable time. When you are depressed just talking to other people and interacting with them can be an utterly exhausting time emotionally. By giving your Mum a timeframe she will be able to say to herself " I can do this for x number of hours".
Her flat is a refuge. She can hide from the world and everything that comes with interacting with it. That way she doesn't need to feel or react to anything that will make her feel (she may be so emotionally numb that, that is how she copes with life).

Thanks, I am starting to feel overwhelmed with everyone's advice now, I originally was asking about the smoking issue and now I am worried about the whole situation, of course. I always have been, but am struggling to find the capacity, mentally, to deal with this. I have 2 children, one with special needs, am 29 weeks pregnant and am battling to get my son a statement at school which takes up a lot of my time, as well as trying to work!

I think I will stick to the plan of her coming to ours and then will speak to my sister about the GP, but I honestly don't know if I am ready to deal with the aftermath of that just now.

Thanks again everyone for your advice, we are off for a much needed break tomorrow so won't be online for a few days.

meritaten

oh dear - your poor mum - I could cry for her! she wanted a safe secure home and family (probably with a nice husband with a secure job and a house in the burbs and the two kids) and what did she get? an ambitous OH who wanted to take her out of her comfort zone!
I think your mum wanted HER mum and dads life and didnt get it! she was scared hun, and she is still scared. her life hasnt worked out how she wants it - so she compensates by drinking and playing online (at least there, she is someone else and in control).
have a think about how your gran and grandad lived, if your mum loved someone so complety different - was it all HER fault it went wrong?

Wilma33

You could write a letter to her GP rather than visiting the GP. That way you and your sister could agree exactly what was in it. I would keep it short and to the point. Give examples e.g. say how many units you think she is drinking a day rather than just saying "heavy drinking".

Mojisola

vickyn wrote: »

Thanks, I am starting to feel overwhelmed with everyone's advice now, I originally was asking about the smoking issue and now I am worried about the whole situation, of course. I always have been, but am struggling to find the capacity, mentally, to deal with this. I have 2 children, one with special needs, am 29 weeks pregnant and am battling to get my son a statement at school which takes up a lot of my time, as well as trying to work!

I think I will stick to the plan of her coming to ours and then will speak to my sister about the GP, but I honestly don't know if I am ready to deal with the aftermath of that just now.

Thanks again everyone for your advice, we are off for a much needed break tomorrow so won't be online for a few days.

I hope you're having a good break. You've got a lot to deal with at the moment. Could your sister take the lead in helping your Mum to get some order back into her life?

You're going to need some time for yourself and your family when the new baby comes.