Smoking....

onetomany

sorry if i sound harsh i really dont mean to but surely collecting her and taking her to yours you say takes 15 mins drive , is quiker than bathing the kids washing the clothers etc , ?

RadoJo

Could you and your sister maybe get together one weekend and blitz her house, Kim and Aggie style? It's probably not helping her confidence to live in mess and it would mean that it would be relatively cleaner and smoke free at least for a while. It's the kind of thing that really does change a person's outlook and it might help her to see how far she's let things get.

Also, if everyone's involved in a joint activity, it can really help spark a non-pressure conversation about other things as you go - it's a lot harder to get defensive if someone is standing there with a nicotine stained cloth saying 'good gracious - did you have any idea how much build up there was?' rather than addressing the smoking directly. It might be the kind of thing that gives her a chance to really take a look at how she's been living which might spur her into a little more action.

I agree that it sounds as though all the things you have mentioned are symptoms of her depression, but I don't think you can separate the symptoms from the cause, so tackling some of the practical aspects of her situation might be a good way to encourage her to consider the others. Unfortunately, if she doesn't want to change, there's no real way of forcing her, but making sure that she knows you are there for her and concerned about her well being should at least mean that she doesn't feel alone.

vickyn_2

RadoJo wrote: »

Could you and your sister maybe get together one weekend and blitz her house, Kim and Aggie style? It's probably not helping her confidence to live in mess and it would mean that it would be relatively cleaner and smoke free at least for a while. It's the kind of thing that really does change a person's outlook and it might help her to see how far she's let things get.

In an ideal world, I guess that would be a good thing to do. BUT, she honestly doesn't see this as a problem and I think she would be mortified and insulted if me and my sister turned up donned with rubber gloves. Besides, she will be smoking again straight away and the smell of smoke will still pervade and if I spent my time doing that (when I could be cleaning my own home) then I would resent seeing it left to demise again, which it would. My sister once did this for her (it was for my dad's funeral) because she understood obviously how housework had slipped whilst he was ill and dying and she didn't keep on top of it after that. Both me and my sister work and weekends are time with my own family and cleaning and decorating my own home getting it ready for the baby, so I would find this hard to slot in. It's hard enough keeping on top of my own house these days with my ever increasing size!

It won't help me out with the long term problem of my kids and I having to inhale the stale smoke that is left there, which is my main concern and something that isn't going to go away with all the cleaning in the world.

She does have some mobility problems, but she can walk to the local shops fine and carry back her beer and wine, so she's active enough in that respect to be able to clean a bit. Also, she isn't elderly she is only in her mid 50s, I find it all really sad....

LisaPapakis

The OP is heavily pregnant, probably not a good time to be scrubbing someone else's toilet...

OP, you have your hands full. I think your ideas for solutions should really be based on 'what works for me and my children'.

This reminds me of a situation I had with my dad, always trying to make him happy, always trying to make him ok. It's a hard situation and you probably won't be able to find a good solution.

Good luck with your new baby.

EmptyPockets

OP, I really feel for you - this is a tricky situation.

I do not think you are being at all unreasonable re the smoking issue and taking your children into that environment - however it does, as you say, make things very awkward for you no matter what you do...

If this was my Mum - and this suggestion will probably go down like a lead balloon - but, I would get together with my sister and my mum, and discuss the possibility of her coming to stay with either of us. It could be a short-term thing while she gets herself sorted a bit. For a start, it would force her to smoke and drink less as she'd have to respect boundaries in your or your sister's home (and smoke outside). It would also help her confidence being 'part' of a family life again and having people around her who love and care for her. You would have extra help on hand with the children...

Is it at all a possibility..?

vickyn_2

EmptyPockets wrote: »

If this was my Mum - and this suggestion will probably go down like a lead balloon - but, I would get together with my sister and my mum, and discuss the possibility of her coming to stay with either of us. It could be a short-term thing while she gets herself sorted a bit. For a start, it would force her to smoke and drink less as she'd have to respect boundaries in your or your sister's home (and smoke outside). It would also help her confidence being 'part' of a family life again and having people around her who love and care for her. You would have extra help on hand with the children...

Is it at all a possibility..?

Sadly not, I physically don't have the space, neither does my sister and besides, on occasions I have offered for her to stay the night, she uses the excuse of not feeling comfortable out of her own flat. I know she wouldn't stay with us in a million years, I just know.

And honestly, she does not stop drinking, I used to have to ask her to watch the kids on a Friday night whilst I collected hubby (when he was working overseas) from the airport at midnight and by the time I got back she was falling over drunk, so makes no difference where she is!! I used to take this risk for the hour it took me to go to the airport and back, but the earlier part of the evening I would have to sit with her and watch her get drunk and mostly she would go on the internet and not talk to me!!

Thankfully, hubby is back home permanently for now, so I don't have to ask her but in the future I think I would rather pay someone to watch them for me especially with a baby to think of.

None of it is ideal, I wish I had a magic solution and I know no one has that, just wanted to know if I was being reasonable.

Thanks again.

meritaten

could you ring her gp before her appointment and clue him/her in? I know that they arent allowed to tell YOU anything...........but that doesnt stop you from telling him/her what your have observed and are worried about does it?
poor thing, she sounds a right state! she is alcoholic and from what you say - alcohol is her escape from reality - she doesnt like her life does she? I have no idea how to turn her around - you know her best - do you know if she had hopes and dreams in her younger days? like acting or dancing? because unless this lady has something to live for and strive for - she will never clean up her act!
and before you say she should do it for her kids - she needs to do it for herself!

snowdrop1967

You have my sympathy. My mum is a heavy smoker and although she knows I hate the smell of smoke she has never stopped smoking in front of my children when we visit. I dont like it but it is her home and we just try not to stay too long and have to shower and wash our clothes afterwards. She has suffered from depression and doesnt like going out and doesnt stay very long when she visits us. We are not close though and as my daughters are getting older it is becoming increasingly harder for me to persuade them to go round and visit.

Mojisola

vickyn wrote: »

Also, she isn't elderly she is only in her mid 50s, I find it all really sad....

That is sad! She's not an old lady (of course I would think that - she's younger than me!). She may have 30 years of life ahead of her.

In answer to your original question, I don't think you're being unreasonable in not wanting your children or yourself to spend time in her home.

Quite how you help her through the depression, I don't know. You and your sister seem to be doing a lot already. You could have a talk with her GP. S/he won't tell you anything about your mother but they should listen to what you have to say.

It might help to have a word with the local MIND group. They will have experience in helping the relatives of people with depression - https://www.mind.org.uk/help/diagnoses_and_conditions/depression#help

vickyn_2

meritaten wrote: »

could you ring her gp before her appointment and clue him/her in? I know that they arent allowed to tell YOU anything...........but that doesnt stop you from telling him/her what your have observed and are worried about does it?
poor thing, she sounds a right state! she is alcoholic and from what you say - alcohol is her escape from reality - she doesnt like her life does she? I have no idea how to turn her around - you know her best - do you know if she had hopes and dreams in her younger days? like acting or dancing? because unless this lady has something to live for and strive for - she will never clean up her act!
and before you say she should do it for her kids - she needs to do it for herself!

I've often wondered about ringing the doctor, am I allowed to do that? I guess there is no harm in trying I've heard she is very nice and my mum gets on well with her. She has always drunk a lot, even whilst my dad was around, they both did to be honest. Hopes/dreams, no, if she's ever had any she has never told me about them, this is where I can never understand my mum and we are a million miles apart in personalities when it comes down to it as I just don't get what she lives for sometimes.

I wish she would do it for her grandchildren more than anything, not for me, they already are starting to realise the consequences of the way she lives and not from me, just what they see on telly and stuff, hence my son pleading with her to stop smoking, it never came from me.