Smoking....

vickyn_2

Okay, I have a major dilemma here which has been rumbling on for some time and would really like some independent views on this, as to whether I am being reasonable or unreasonable.

I have 2 kids and a baby on the way. I don't smoke, neither does my hubby or anyone we really know, except for my mum. She is a fairly heavy smoker and when we visit, she lives in a small 2 bed flat and quite honestly, it stinks. When we are there with the kids, she will go outside and smoke on the balcony, but the build up of cigarette smoke from the times she does smoke inside is so bad that by the time we leave after a 3-4 hour visit, we all stink of smoke. We joke about having to decontaminate afterwards and wash our hair and I even sometimes have to wash all our coats, which is a real pain. So, it's not really a joke and I also wonder about health implications, more so for the kids.

Basically, this has obviously gone on for a while, but has got steadily worse since my dad passed away just over 2 years ago and my mum has been heading into a steady decline of heavy drinking and smoking since then. She is on anti-depressants, does not drive, will not travel on public transport, has mobility problems, has advanced glaucoma and so I cannot ask her to come and visit us, it's too far.

My biggest issue is that I really do not want to start taking a newborn baby round and that baby then reeking of cigarette smoke and absorbing whatever chemicals are in the air. But how do I put all this to my mum without hurting her? I have had to ask her to stop smoking in front of me in the past (without the kids there) and she is in tears and once my son stayed over the night and I asked her to not smoke in the flat that night, and again I had tears. So, now I don't let either of my kids stay over as I cannot trust her to stay reasonably sober or not smoke when they are asleep in bed.

As I said, I see her going into this decline, she barely speaks to the kids when we go round anyway, she has no friends to speak of, only virtual friends on the net for company. We (me and my sis) try to encourage her to go out but are met with refusals constantly, so we've pretty much given up. The flat is filthy, I am no domestic goddess myself, but I find it hard to stomach going there, even a visit to the loo is pretty risky! In addition, she constantly leaves sharp knives hanging around and even though she has all day to cook up something for the kids (I pay her for the food by paying for her broadband in return) she usually gives them tinned ravioli or sardines on toast, yet the next day she will tell me she has made herself home made meatballs!!

My only solution to all of this would be to collect her, bring her to our house (it's a 15 minute drive each direction) me cook tea, whilst she plays with kids, then take her home after, but I can only do this if my husband is around and he is often away or working very late.

So, what do I do? What would you do? I want to talk to her but every time I confront her with anything, I am usually met with silence and tears, so I was thinking of an email for her to take in whilst I am away next week.

My kids enjoy her company, but I can't see it lasting much longer if things carry on the way they are.

Thanks for reading such a long post and thanks in advance for any comments.

AlwaysWorking

Maybe I'm reading this wrongly, or maybe it's just me (sorry in advance if I am!)....but I think you are missing the point a bit here. Your mum is obviously lonely and unhappy...hence the drinking, increased smoking, untidyness of the flat etc. Whilst I think bringing her to yours for dinner is an excellent idea, not only to spare your children from the smoke but also to give her a change of scenery, I also think it might be a good idea (if at all possible) for you and your sister to perhaps take her out for lunch or do something with her so that she doesn't feel so isolated.

pickledonionspaceraider

Hi there, What i am going to say is in no way a judgement on anyone, but it is what I would do.
Your solution of collecting her, bringing her back to your house seems the best option - without saying anything to her.
Your mum has lost her life time partner. No wonder shes depressed, she is clinically depressed and needs support hun, shes very delicate. Depression can lead to total loss of care of things like house cleaning etc and care of self. I wish you all the best, and realise that you too must be hurting, as you have lost someone too x

If if was me, In this sitution, there is no way I would say anything to my mum, I would just bring her to mine

vickyn_2

I did say that in my original post, we offer to take her out frequently (I can only do evenings as I work most days and my eldest has special needs and I can't be far from school) but she usually declines, stating that she isn't confident enough etc even though we would only go to a local pub for a meal or something. She also has one friend, who is currently suffering ill health, that used to offer to take her out frequently, again, she declined all the time. We do honestly try and I know how lonely she is, I just don't know what else to do.

She was always drinking and smoking when my dad was alive, just it seems to have got worse, especially the smoking as my dad used to nag at her as he only smoked a couple at night....

vickyn_2

pickledonion, thanks, at least I know my solution is the right idea. I may have to give a reason though, because she is usually very reluctant to leave the house, stating that she is more comfortable in her own home etc I might have to perhaps use my children as the excuse, my eldest has autism and can play up at hers occasionally.

I know she is depressed, she does see a doctor and is on anti-d's, but I doubt very much that she openly tells the doctor about the amount she drinks (I've watched her drink 10 units in one night no problem and I know she drinks roughly that amount every night by the cans/bottles she leaves in the kitchen). She is painfully thin, but boasts about it, even though we tell her she needs to put weight on. It is very sad, I miss my dad more than anything I was very close to him. I just wish she could get more involved with us perhaps and other friends, she has turned a lot away, but she seems to enjoy being in this bubble of hers...

pickledonionspaceraider

It sounds very frustrating for you
Yeah use the kids as an excuse, thats what kids are for hehe

minimoneysaver

Can you afford to get a taxi to collect her and let her come and spend the day/evening with you and your family? I'm thinking that the change of scene would more than likely be good for your mum and that relieves the stress of having to pick her up and drop her off. Good luck with finding a solution that works for all. x

belfastgirl23

I think the others are right to identify the smoking etc as a symptom rather than the problem.

Have you told her straight on that you're worried about her? As Pickled says above, use the kids as an excuse, you want grandma around and healthy for a long time to come. See if you can get her back to the doctor for some more help. It doesn't sound to me like her antidepressants are working, I presume (though no expert!) that it's possible to try other doses or combinations??

I also think you need to push her pretty hard about getting out of the house. Is it possible to go to hers but take the kids to the park for example and make her come along? Whether it's clean or untidy it's not good for anyone to be sitting indoors all the time. Don't give her too much advance notice, just tell her at the time, then she has no time to stress and worry about it.

It sounds to me like she's sort of given up on life. Maybe you and your sister can manage to light a spark again.

Good luck, you sound like a lovely caring daughter and she's lucky to have you.

vickyn_2

Thanks again, unfortunately the taxi's would cost around £20 round trip, so that's not really an option. Yes, she knows we worry about her, but she is in denial all the time. My son, who has autism, has openly asked her to stop smoking as he doesn't want her to die, and it has zero effect, I'm not sure how much more direct he could be!! I, perhaps wrongly, assume that the reasons the anti depressants aren't as effective are because she drinks so much, but I am not a medical expert. She is due a doctor's appointment soon, so hopefully she will talk to the doctor then. I have tried the bit about taking the kids to the park before now, but she makes it plain that she doesn't enjoy it and now with the darker evenings that gets more tricky, but yes, I will keep at it and again, that might be easier if she comes to mine as we have a local playground too.

Me and my sister do honestly try, but it's like banging my head against the wall sometimes, it's a shame because she is such an intelligent person but she cannot seem to see what she is doing to herself and those closest to her.

I try to be the caring daughter, but am finding it exasperating at times, especially when I have 2 kids (one with autism), am heavily pregnant, trying to work and my hubby works long hours, but hey, that's life I guess. Thanks again everyone.

euronorris

Are you sure she's taking the pills? And, isn't drinking with them a bad idea?

Alcohol is also a depressant, so it would be good to encourage her to quit. Easier said than done, I know, but maybe point out how much happier she will be, and suggest some activities to do instead?

I understand your frustration. My Grandma was quite difficult like this. It was obvious that she was lonely, but would lock herself in her room when people came to visit and refuse to talk to them on the phone etc.

I hope you find a solution.

vickyn_2

Euronorris, she is definitely taking the pills, I know she is, but I fear as you say the drinking with them counteracts their usefulness. She openly tells me how much better she feels on the pills though and that she is happy with her dose and she is very chirpy otherwise, it's just that she has these confidence issues about leaving the home, but that is a long term issue she has always had and she will openly admit it. I don't think I can encourage her to quit drinking, until she admits it's a problem, currently she does not view it as a problem and I know that until she does then she cannot be persuaded to stop.

It's not fun, it means I can't rely on her for anything in the evenings, which I don't expect that always to be on offer, but even in the case of an emergency or when I go into labour, I can't expect her to be in a sober state or even answer the phone as she stays up late, gets up late. Fortunately, my sister has agreed to be on standby to look after my kids when I go into labour.

My main question though was whether or not I was being reasonable or not about the smoking and the fact that I don't want my kids absorbing all that 3rd hand smoke (I think that's what it's called!) and I think I can see that I am being reasonable in not wanting to go round there.

Thanks again everyone.