Looking for a bit of advice on joint finances when one person is a problem

freyanneke_2

If he lies that easily about money, takes yours like it is his to spend and doesn't tell you what he spends it on, then there must be a lot of other things that are going on.

Do you want to know if you are still living in this house a year on? Do you want to have savings? Do you want to be able to work out a budget? Do want to know what you are working for? Do you want to be able to trust your partner?

He is not going to change, 'cause he doesn't have to. He is stealing from you and abusing your relationship to keep his lifestyle going. The amount of energy that it will take to keep your finances on track might prove to be working or just too much.

I wish you luck and a lot of strength.

Tish_P

In all of this he has no idea (or that is what I am told) what he spends all this money on?

My thoughts about this rhyme with "Pollocks".

I see only three options I'm afraid. He stops lying and tells you where the cash is going, now, or you leave, now, or this goes on forever until you both lose everything you have and the stress of that breaks you up anyway. It might not be pleasant to deal with, but you must think of your own future (and that of your kids if you have them).

belfastgirl23

I thought what he spent it on was pretty obvious in some cases - he was lying about having a job and using the stolen money to back up his story for a long time for example. So not necessarily to do with gambling etc.

He sounds walter mitty-ish to me, someone who really does struggle to seperate out the truth. I would think he really needs counselling because the money thing is only the symptom of much bigger issues. My concern at the minute is that he does not realise quite how destructive and upsetting his behaviour is because the OP keeps 'managing' it.

I really respect the OP for wanting to keep her family together but at this point I think his behaviour makes this untenable. If he is able to at least agree that what he is doing is unacceptable and is willing to consider counselling to help find a way forward then I agree that staying together as a family is possible. But if he can't see this, I really don't see how the relationship can survive longer term.

Good luck!

BitterAndTwisted

So, every single time he commits fraud and betrays you, you sort out the problem and you then carry on as before? This past strategy hasn't worked as there has been no change to his behaviour and will most probably never work until it does. Quite honestly, I don't think he deserves you and if he's hiding any other horrors as said before you could lose your home and everything else you hold dear.

I'd do all of the things previously advised regarding getting hold of all of the credit-reports, disassociating yourself financially from him and closing the joint bank accounts. Then I'd kick him out to fend for himself, by himself.

londonlass001

I do really feel for you as my partner is also rubbish with money and some of what you have written is familiar. It turned out he was gambling but now even without the gambling, he still spends far too much on rubbish if he has the money. You say your oh has always been rubbish with money? Did you hope he would change at some point perhaps when he had a bit more responsibility or had grown up a bit? I have had to look at my responses and ways of talking about money with my partner and although I won't take on the responsibility for his issues, I have to take responsibility for staying with him knowing he is unlikely to change but also that i have to be the one who manages money as he can't.

Tbh he isn't going to change unless he wants to change and what motivation does he have to do this? This is no way a criticism of you as I know how hard it is but I suspect he realises that you wish to keep your family together so he knows that you will continue to put up with his behaviour. Is he working now? where does his salary go if he is?

I can't believe that there is not an addiction somewhere along the line here and that tends to make people selfish and devious. It is likely that whatever you might try, he will be one step ahead of you as he possibly has more invested in maintaining the status quo. I'm not sure what more you can do to protect yourself but you have to do what others have suggested and perhaps think through some of your boundaries. If you do have children, what if his actions start to have negative consequences for them. What if he decides to leave and not pay what he owes?
I've just read this back and I know it sounds very negative, but it brings up a lot of stuff for me and i truly feel for you.

HalfPint

well....I agree with what the other posters have said but i'd also like to tell you that you are not alone.

I was in a similar situation where my husband (now my ex husband) had debts that spiralled out of control. He took out loan apon loan, card after card, many of them in my name fraudulently. He wasn't gambling or addicted to anything, he just could not live within his means (oh and it helped him keep his bit on the side happy too) You need to financially separate yourself from this man completely.

"our debt" was in excess of 45K :eek:. In the end we divorced and I got myself an excellent solicitor. I still ended up having to pay 10k to credit cards that were "his fraud" my credit was screwed up to the extreme even with my soliitors help.

I am sorry I cannot offer more practical advise other than what the others have said but I sympathise and hope you get this sorted and then find the strength to decided whether your marriage is worth saving.

Best of luck
HP x

alleycat`

I don't want to comment on your marriage.
That is your business and you have to decided what is and isn't tolerable behaviour.

As to helpful things i can think of:-

I would certainly look at CIFAS protective registration right now.

You might also want to contact the mortgage company and request that no draw down is allowed ever.

Change your "shared account" into a bills account. Have your salary paid into a different account and transfer a reasonable amount of your earnings in to cover bills. Have the mail for that account delivered elsewhere / to branch (if they still do that).

I'd have said secure everything else with two signatures before agreement is allowed on transfers, etc. but you've suggested that he is quite happy to use your name to commit fraud so that is out.


Good luck.

Lance

He will not change as he has decieved you for far too long. You should refuse to pay his forged credit card debt and suggest they call the Police. I've noticed a few 'men' on this board who appear to live with / off their mothers rather than a wife. There was anoher thread recently where the wife was nearly bankrupt after constantly bailing him out and they had a child and he left her for an older woman who now supports him. TBH he sounds like a selfish immature loser with criminal instincts who would crap himself and cry for you if he did get arrested for his frauds.

pinkshoes

Money aside, your husband is a persistent liar, who has been given FAR too many chances by you already.

What is the point in keeping the family together if he's spent 10 years lying to you. He's already shown he can't change, so I don't see why you want to continue being married to this loser.

Divorce him, sell the house, give him half, then go your separate ways. Hopefully you'll meet a nice man who will treat you with the respect you deserve, and not continually lie to you!

the_cat

Sorry but unless you are prepared to act to defend yourself against fraud, there is nothing to stop him running up debts in your name. He will never change. He has no reason to stop, because you just keep letting him walk all over you

He is a persistant liar, who would rather commit fraud than work on your finances together???? And has made up some sort of 'phobia' to try and stop any financial discussion.

I understand that you do not want your marriage to be over. But in truth, it already is. The first time he did this, he destroyed your trust. He has found more and more devious ways to screw you over ever since, without remorse. There is no way back from that level of abuse of trust