Looking for a bit of advice on joint finances when one person is a problem

will_it_get_better

I have been married over 10 years and my husband has never been good with money. I am good with money and try to account for everything; I also have a good job and get paid reasonably well. I discovered early on that he had big debts and was struggling to pay them. This came to light when he tried to apply for a loan in joint names (he couldn’t get one himself) signing for me as well, the company called me to check that everything was in order and that was how I found out. I paid off the debt and thought that that was it as he said that the only other thing was his student loan and that was being paid off each month.

He then lost his job when the company he was working for went bust. I then had a credit card company call be about a card that I didn't have. I had applied but then decided that the terms weren't good so hadn’t filled in the form. Unfortunately my husband had filled in the form (for a card for each of us) and applied. We argued about it and I paid it off and got them to cancel the card. This then happened again with a card that I had cancelled who hadn't actually cancelled when I asked and sent new cards several months later. I found out when they called me as the minimum hadn’t been paid. We nearly got divorced at that point and he promised that it wouldn’t happen again. I paid off the card and we ended up struggling for a while money wise.

He then got a job and things looked better for a while until I went home ill from work to find him at home. The job was fictitious and his "wages" had been coming out of my ISA. As we had a joint mortgage and a joint account with the same bank although the ISA was in my name they let him take money out of it. I did not notice as I was working so didn't get the post and internet banking had stopped letting me access things. When I called the bank about internet access they kept telling me that as my address wasn't correct (they won't use the proper house name as the postcode file tells them it is wrong, we have spoken to the PO and council but no one seems able to change this), so they couldn’t send me a new password. I opened a new ISA with a different bank that only had accounts in my name, who sent me post and I had internet access. I really thought that at this point I had secured things enough so that he couldn't do these things and we agreed to go forward and put it all behind us.

Not long after this a close family member died and left him a reasonable sum. We agreed that he would pay off his student loan, any other debts and we would put a chunk of it to paying off the mortgage and he could spend the rest. I subsequently overpaid the mortgage with bonuses from work down to about £100 and was planning to get details of how to do the £1 mortgage so that they would keep the deeds. He became very evasive at this point and I started to suspect that something was up with the finances. I got an Equifax statement and found that the mortgage was currently at £5000 and he had been taking out of the overpayments. Each time I had given him a cheque to pay in I got him to get a redemption statement (as I thought that was a safe way of checking), unfortunately he would pay in a cheque from his account as well that would subsequently bounce but when the statement was produced it looked like it was the correct amount. After much arguing we came to an agreement of how he could pay that off out of his weekly money and that we should talk about finances. I managed to get him to agree to show me his Equifax statement and apart form a credit card in his name that he needs to pay off it looked fine. My worry is how to change this cycle. I don't trust him with money at all, but he hates to talk about it and is very clever about finding ways around the system. So is the Equifax statement a true representation? I at least know that I can look at my Equifax statement to check what is going on in certain areas but I do wonder what else he could do.

In all of this he has no idea (or that is what I am told) what he spends all this money on? He is very much in denial about the whole thing and has made even mention of money to the level of a phobia. We do argue about it especially when he says everything is fine and then I discover something wrong but I am trying to address this in a calm way at the moment and find a way forward.

I would like to keep my family together so I am really looking for answers to the following:

Do people change, and where and what help is available, financial counselling etc. I am really struggling to deal with this all on my own.

What can he do to get better and how can I help?

Strategies for managing money
How he sees spending
Getting him to stop cheating the system/lying about the situation

How do I protect myself from the following?

Accounts being opened in my name/married or maiden or other variations
Credit being taken out in my name(s) or joint names
Money being taken from my account or joint account such as mortgage accounts without me knowing or authorising it

Can I keep track of things on his side, like is he opening accounts under different names applying for loans etc.?

So unsure about how to go about this but I believe that it can be sorted I just don't know how and who to talk to.

Chudders

Wow!

Sorry I have no advice to offer on your specific questions but I just wanted to say I really feel for you!

I know love is a powerful thing and its admirable (if a little unbelievable from an outsiders point of view!) that you should want to keep your family together, but really.

This man habitually lies to you and steals from you, and yet you continuously bail him out and forgive him.

He quite clearly has very little respect for you and to be blunt from an outsiders perspective it seems he is taking you for a fool.

It seems to me that as well as the help you are seeking to try and help/control him on a financial level you should also be looking at your relationship on a deeper level. Until he can show you some respect and you can trust him I cannot see how things will improve.

Sorry to be blunt and I hope I havn't offended you, I really hope you can sort things out.

LisaPapakis

I think once you find out where the money's gone, the way forward will become clearer. What about his credit card statements? Could he be gambling?

smartpicture

Whilst I agree with everything the other lady said, I know from experience that you probably aren't ready to face up to that yet, so you need more practical help now.

As well as yours and his Equifax, you need Experian and Call Credit. You can do monthly subscriptions so that you can check what's happening at any time. I believe you can also set some sort of trigger so that any credit search or new financial transaction is notified to you immediately, or has to be pre-authorised, you'll need to check out the details.

I imagine your credit rating is already shot to hell, but you definitely need to separate your finances from this man as much as possible - no accounts with his name on apart from the mortgage. Once he ruins his own credit rating, rather than yours, in todays climate he will struggle to get any more (or is that why he keeps using your name?) As far as the mortgage goes, you need to go see them as request that nothing happens without notifying you, I'm sure they're legally obliged to do this anyway.

Although it's a pain, you should also consider moving all your post to a separate address, either a friend or relative you trust or a PO address, which is very cheap. Internet banking is a must of course, possibly combined with keylogger software that will email you whenever certain words or websites are used - again, quite cheap to do.

The best thing you could do (although I'm sure you won't do this), is report him to the police for fraud, because that may be enough to shock him into taking you seriously and stop stealing from you (which is what he is doing).

The other things is that if lots of money goes and there's no obvious sign of where it's gone, I would investigate whether he has addiction problems, gambling or suchlike. The keylogger software may help you here.

The bottom line is that if you intend to stay with him, it's going to be a long hard slog and you will never be able to fully relax - but at least protect yourself as much as possible.

RAS

You need your and his credit reference checks for all three agencies - the chances are he has already got cards that only show on Experian. None of them would show up if he has other bank accounts and savings accounts that are in the black.

You also need protective CIFAS regsistration.

Youu do realise that if he fgoes bankrupt, you lose half the house, do you?

personally, I would get rid of him PDQ; my father was like this - recycled the money my mother gave him to pay bills as "house-keeping". Things got funny when the creditors started showing up.

Do not get cards delivered to your house and shop him to CIFAS as that will prevent him getting credit in his name.

DVardysShadow

Sack him. This nonsense is unacceptable. And if you let it go on without sacking him, he will only take more liberties. There is no alternative.

dark_lady

Get rid of him NOW NOW. He is financially abusing you. This is domestic abuse.

987654

I find it strange that he can't say what it is spent on (even stranger that you have 'forgiven' so many times).

Think you need to press this point.

gonzo127

agreed with postal address and get your post redirected to this, yes it will be a pain to collect your post but at least it will be safe, otherwise get a locking post box on your house where you have the only key - sorry if he is going to act like a child and hide these things from you you will have to treat him like one

next thing would be to get rid of your joint accounts go into the bank together to close them and open seperate ones in your own names - you can not trust him financially

get all 3 credit file companies - sometimes one will not have all the information

inform him that if you find any further accounts or credit taken out in your name you WILL be phoning the police to report fraud as that is exactly what it is

internet banking is a must so you can keep on top of things easier

thorsoak

Show him this thread as an opener! He will be shocked that you have posted "personal" things "publicly" - and the replies may well jolt him.

But after 10 years - he isn't going to change - and you know that. If you are determined to keep your marriage together you will have to take responsibility for all finances - everything in your name only - his money to be paid into a bank account in your name only - and you give him "pocket money" - either that or into a Co-op cash card account where he cannot have a cheque book nor can he go overdrawn, but will have a debit card. And you to have internet access to that account as well!

Sounds like treating him like a child? Yes. And an irresponsible one at that - which is what he is.

Personally speaking, he would have to have an AWFUL lot of good points for me to keep on a chap like yours ...........

Good luck in your endeavours.

nzmegs

Reading through this I thought it must have been a wind up. For all of this to have taken place - yet you are still together. He must think he is the luckiest man alive. All I can think of is that you must leave him, but something must be keeping you there.

it sounds to me that he has a problem or addiction of some sort. gambling or shopping (or drugs?). Or he has borrowed money from the wrong people and is paying someone off. Either way you have to find out and deal with the main cause of the problem. he may need counselling or a support group or police involvement.

Separate your finances and try to get a disassociation notice on your credit file. it might be difficult while you both live at the same property. if you kick him out it will be easier...