What can I do about my Mum?(Long. sorry)

Verbatim

You have taken on a huge amount and it doesn't sound if your mum realizes the difficulties she was in or where it might have led. Is there any way of helping her to understand how it all works?

Have you alerted anyone about the abused daughter?

Janey51

Thanks again everyone.:A

elona and Emmzi: I have just phoned Mum and she is quite adament she wants to keep hold of her own finances. After Dad died I had a few heated arguments with her about money along the lines of:

No, you don't need to order something out of every catalogue that comes through the door.
You don't need the Sports channels and the Movies on Sky "because Dad liked to watch them"
You don't need papers every day when you never read them.
Do you really need to subscribe to a chocolate supplier at £40pm when you're diabetic?
Getting a "free" fleece from a catalogue when you spend £50 is not really free. Especially when you never open the things you bought.

The thing is, she's not mentally incompetent just financially irresponsible! It must be hereditary but I haven't passed it onto my kids, thank goodness, they are both very solvent and have no credit. All credit cards are cleared at the end of each month.:D

I did manage to sell a load of her stuff on Ebay and at car boots and used the money towards the funeral expenses.

dancingfairy: My neice has a disastrous emotional history with men. She has just got divorced and the new BF is a drug dealer who, I think, sees her as a soft touch for money. I do worry about her but my sister says "its her life.She's an adult!"
I don't even have her telephone number now.

Trouble is, I have always been seen as the strong one in the family but I don't feel strong at the moment. Still trying to support my husband, my boss at work whose father has just died, my friend whose marriage is falling apart and has embarked on an affair with a married man. Plus I'm grieving in advance for my house which I am having to sell to get us debt free. Its the only option we have to clear £80000+ debt.

What a moaning minny I am:o

I have a wonderful husband who loves me to pieces, two great sons and daughters-in-law. I live in a beautiful part of the country. I have 3 huggable cats.
And I've lost 6kgs since August!
Its not all doom and gloom.

Janey51

Verbatim: Mum's answer to everything is "Your Dad always dealt with that" And now its me...lol

msmicawber

Good grief, Janey, you must want to shake her! I don't think you're a moaning minnie at all. It's one thing to take on increasing caring roles for a parent whose health and mental agility are beginning to fail, but it's totally different trying to fire fight the results of irresponsible behaviour.

Is there any danger she could lose her sheltered home if she keeps this up? Have you tried scare tactics?

*zippy*

Janey I just wanted to send you a hug :grouphug:

I don't have the answer about your Mum. Its sounds like you are doing all you can if your Mum won't let you have further control of her finances. As others have said put yourself and your lovely family first. Its very difficult to get someone to change unless they want to and it seems you have done a wonderful job keeping your Mum afloat, but it must be draining especially when you have your own finances to sort out. It would be easy to say let her get on with it, but as a daughter it is not as easy as that is it. Keep posting, there are a few of us in the same boat with "problem" parents and all of us are trying to clear our debts so you will get lots of support, if you need a rant or advice there is always someone to listen.

All the best

zippy x

Janey51

msmicawber: As long as I can keep sneaking into the house when she's out at the lunch club and checking the bank statements I think I can keep it up. I just feel so dishonest.
The Council have been very helpful and have started copying everything to me(without her knowing) and Scottish Gas are doing the same.

How about this as an aside:
Discovered a letter from DCA about her gas bill...going to take legal action!! No gas in her house, all electric. Phoned DCA, said Mum was senile and I was acting for her. Told bill related to previous house March-July 2005. She moved out in Jan 2005. Accounts were closed by me by phone but the Customer Service had only updated the electric account and not the gas.
Turns out Mum had been getting letters for weeks but was binning them.Took me 2 months to sort it out...eventually with help of Energywatch and threatening them with the Press.

Its no wonder I'm going grey.

myrnahaz

You're NOT a moaning Minny, I think you've been a wonderful daughter. The thing is, you're doing as much as she'll allow you to do, and being a joint signatory on her account will certainly stop your BIL getting his hands on any more cash. Maybe it's time to let go a little and enjoy your life with your DH and kids - your Mum's way of life is probably too fixed for her to ever change.
Some people are just unfathomable - My sister had around £2000 after our parents died (which my other sister controls because the first sister is so useless) but 1st sister went and borrowed hundreds of pounds from provident because she 'wanted to show how independent she could be' instead of asking our sister to get cash out of the account. Mad.

*zippy*

How old is your Mum janey and has she seen her doctor.

Do you think she would she be prepared to have some counselling?

Verbatim

Oh Janey!

You have to look after yourself. You have so much to worry about already. Perhaps your mumm would take more responsibility if you didn't do so much. I'd be inclined to be a bit brutal, "if you have so much debt you'll have debt collectors at the door, electricity cut off and baliffs round".

But then I'm not as nice as you.

Janey51

zippy: Mum is 77. She has diabetes, thyroid problems, arthritis. She is very stubborn....lol
Everyone thinks she is such a sweet old lady, which she is, just has a Masters in emotional blackmail.
It has really helped putting all this down and reading your replies.
If I was reading these posts from someone else I'd be thinking "poor soul" or "get a grip". But when you're in the middle of it all its hard to be objective.
I do get mad with her but I keep trying to remingd myself that she was a great Mum when I was growing up and Dad adored her. She's just nutty as a fruit cake about money.

Just now...she phoned to say that a nice letter arrived saying that she had been approved for a Capital One Card and did I think this would be handy for paying for things?
She also announced she's bought 4 battery operated lights which will be useful for putting in dark corners (in a tiny bungalow) for £27.99.
I give up.