What can I do about my Mum?(Long. sorry)

Janey51

Before my Dad's death a few years ago, I was aware that my parents were having real financial problems. It shouldn't have happened as their expenses were minimal and their income over £1500 a month.(Pensioners) No mortgage. (Council House)No car.
Then Mum became drawn into the scam "You have won £Xmillion in the Canadian/American/European Lottery..just send £20/30/40 and we will send the cheque" and "you have won a plasma TV/cruise/diamond necklace...send £15 processing fee". Plus she became addicted to shopping channels. At one point she had 60+ rings, 50 pairs of earrings... Not to mention the "free" gifts from catalogues.
So, bag fulls of letters later, she had reduced their savings and investments to zero and Dad was almost demented. He took away the cheque book so she bought postal orders at post offices away from the place where they lived. She even asked me to post the letters so Dad wouldn't know so I used to open them and, if she hadn't written in the payee box, cash them in and put the money in Dad's wallet relying on his bad memory that he had forgotten how much he had.
So Dad died and then the full extent of the problem was revealed.
Poor lad had been trying to sort it out for years. He had been moving things around, getting better deals, arranged overdraft with the bank...then I'm sure it all got too much.
My sister didn't want to know so I had to sort Mum's finances, negotiate with creditors, bail her out for the funeral expenses.
And still she was sending letters to these b******* apologising for not being in contact!!!!! (I opened the letters)
2 years later she is settled in a new sheltered housing scheme. She has money in the bank. The bank were great. .I lied to her and told her the bank couldn't give her a cheque book because of the previous problems. I got her to open a basic building society account which the bank transfers £500 a month into and this is just for food and general spending. All her bills are paid from the bank account which she doesn't have access to as she lives 20 miles away.She did have a cash card but couldn't remember the PIN number so kept asking passers by to help:eek: Sometimes I drive her across to the bank as she draws out some extra:eek:
Then last month she phoned me up to ask if she could borrow £10...3 days after her £500 had gone in.
After much tactful questioning, it turns out my brother-in-law has asked my Mum for £500 so they can go on holiday.
I am so mad I can't speak.
It has taken me 2 years to sort Mum out...all the while wrestling with our enormous debt. I have never asked her for a penny even though I know she's now got over £3000 in the bank.
My first reaction was to tell my sister but she is severely depressed and thinks the sun shines out of her OH's backside.Her daughter is being abused by her BF and is suicidal. And I couldn't confront him because I hate his guts with a passion after he made a pass at me years ago at my Sister's 40th:mad:
The cherry on the cake was... I took Mum to the bank to get extra money and when I checked her bank balance, there was only £145 in. I nearly fell off my chair. When I checked the statement properly, I realised her state pension hadn't been paid in since February.
I phoned the DWP who said they had been writing to her but had no reply so they thought she'd died! Turns out they had been writing to her at her old address. Said they didn't know she'd moved. I told them that was rubbish as someone had been to visit her at her new address to assess her for Attendance Allowance.
So now I have set up a joint savings account with Mum which requires both our signatures to get money out. And she is paying £100 a month into it in case of emergencies.

I feel so gutted about all this.

And she's buying off the shopping channels again. And Betterware. And Avon. And the Book Club

Is it me?

themaccas

Can you get all her post redirected to you so you can screen it first? That way you could get her parcels and send them back for a refund? Or contact the shopping channels and companies like that to explain the situation and put a block on her accounts with them?
Not sure it is legal or ethical but I think I might do it if it were my mother and I was desperate.
So sorry you are in this situation.

lynzpower

Does your mother UNDERSTAND WHAT dhe is doing, ie is she emotioally and mentally competent?

If she isnt, I suggest that you speak to your local social services department, particularly as your Brother may well be financially abusing her.

This bit worries me greatly

My first reaction was to tell my sister but she is severely depressed and thinks the sun shines out of her OH's backside.Her daughter is being abused by her BF and is suicidal. And I couldn't confront him because I hate his guts with a passion after he made a pass at me years ago at my Sister's 40th

Are the police involved?

msmicawber

What a harrowing tale, you must be exhausted with worry.

Do you think you could get Power of Attorney for your mum's affairs? In your position, I think I'd see a solicitor and ask. I'm not sure whether she has to be competent in order to sign it, though. If she isn't, then I think you can apply to the Courts for some sort of order (sorry it's all hazy in my mind).

It might be worth asking for advice on the Family board, as there's a couple of legal eagles who post there.

anniestar

Sweetie,just sending you hugs and best wishes. Don't really know what to advise but I would advise you to get a written authority from your mum giving you prmission to deal with third parties. Also I used to know someone that worked for a shopping channel based in the west midlands who was very impressed with the way they conducted their business(they sell jewellery) I'm sure if you contacted them (if they are one of the companies involved )they will do everything possible to help you. Again, much love and best wishes. Keep strong.Annie.XX

rog2

Parents eh? And they moan about the kids!
Seriously though, I admire your patience and dedication to what many would consider to be a lost cause.
You are quite right to ensure that both yours and her signatures are needed on any cheques.
Have you had a word with your Brother-in-Law, to make sure that he does not ask again (no need to upset your sister).
Glad you've sorted out the DWP.

Janey51

Thanks to everyone for advice and support.

I will try the families board msmicawber...didn't think of that!

Its a tricky situation trying to get the Scottish version of Power of Attorney I believe but I'll investigate.

It really helped putting everything down on the post I left. Cathartic (sp?) I suppose!

I have spoken to quite a few of the people that Mum has been buying off but getting her to sign an agreement to allow me to act on her behalf is an excercise in top level diplomacy.
My sister believes Mum killed Dad with the way she has behaved financially. I do remember when we were younger, she always put bets on the horses, did the Pools and entered every competition going. Not unusual I suppose but it must have gone deeper as I remember hiding under the table from the insurance man or the coal man, gathering bits of coal off the garden for the boiler and having beans on toast every Saturday teatime for years!

I have sort of comes to terms with this by thinking Dad loved her whatever, Its her money and really, at her age, what is she saving for? As long as I have protected her money from that lying cheating b****** and she could afford her bills, who am I to tell her what to do?

The bad thing is, part of me wants my BIL to try and get money again and when Mum tells him she needs me to sign...he'll know that I know;) What sweet revenge that would be.

Maybe financial mismanagement is genetic:o

But I think I've broken the chain as both my kids are great savers, never have credit and both own their own homes with small mortgages.
Must have done something right:D

Emmzi

The Scottish version of a power of attorney is Power of Attorney (no difference)

You mum COULD grant it to you. Otherwise she has to be declared mentally incompetent, which it doesn't sound like she is.

Big hugs. Remember - it's HER problem.. she's a big girl now.. sl you can help, but when she refuses, don't take it personally. And it's not your job to bail her out forever.

elona

Could you give her the idea that you having power of attorney will take problems away from her and that if bil wants money from her again that he will have to go through you so that she is "off the hook?"

This would actually be quite true, in my opinion!

dancingfairy

I'm worried about the daughter who is being abused. Can you contact her and reassure her and help her to make sure she gets help? It sounds like she really needs it. You really need to make sure that child gets out of that situation - maybe you could give her some helpline numbers- childline / samaritans etc.

About your mums money it's her money after all- you can only help and advise her and unless you can prove she's mentally unwell then you have to rely on her cooperation.

Sorry. It does sound like you've got quite a lot going on in your family at the moment.

LJD1_2

Really sorry to hear what you're going through at the moment. The only advice I can really add is what lots of people on here have said to me over the past weeks, look after yourself and try to put coping mechanisms in place to help you deal with the stress. In turn that'll make you stronger for you mum. I really, really feel for you and just wanted to add my support. Take care xxxxx