updated love my DH to bits, now about to be grandparents in 6 weeks

rumncoke

JaneRN wrote: »

Let him deal with it - my son always finds me when he needs my support and hopefully your son will do the same.

This is exactly what we intend to do. If they were both 16 or so it would be a different matter, but at almost 20 & GF 21 they have got to realise that actions have consequences & there is not always someone on hand to bail them out. I have already told him I am always here to listen.

Oldernotwiser

Your husband is you priority now. Your son is an adult and has got himself into this situation and needs to deal with it himself. Be strong.

rumncoke

Latest update is that bone damage is confined to his neck & he will require radiotherapy. Dr is hopeful that chemo will not be necessary. No evidence of widespread cancer. However he does require more surgery to further stabilise his neck. We will find out more details of this next Monday when we see the surgeon. Although the prospect of more surgery is not nice we feel that this is a more positive outcome than if the cancer was more widespread.

As regards our other problem that is still unresolved. GF is supposed to be flying back tomorrow as long as she gets medical clearance from Dr today. DS still has his head firmly in cloud cuckoo land & with some financial help from his friends Mom wants to fly over for the birth. (Her offer) Tutor at uni has suggested he takes this year off.
As long as she goes back tomorrow we have said he then needs to come down so we can talk things through.

Whilst I admire him for wanting to do the right thing for GF & child we feel that he is only thinking about the immmediate future & not longer term.

Our priority must be DH & at the moment I am torn between leaving them to it, or offering the rest of the money we have set aside for uni & saying if they blow it all in the next few months then so be it, but there wont be anymore. Should he return to uni he will be funding himself.

freyanneke_2

Still keeping my fingers crossed for you. You will work it out.

Doozergirl

rumncoke wrote: »

Whilst I admire him for wanting to do the right thing for GF & child we feel that he is only thinking about the immmediate future & not longer term.

Lord knows that you already have enough on your plate with your husband and need to concentrate on him and I've no doubt you're completely shocked by the news but it sounds like you're almost denying it? You will be grandparents within a few weeks.

I don't even understand what you mean when you say he's not considering the long term future? They've been together for a couple of years and you make it sound like it's his girlfriend's minor 'problem' to deal with and not your son's new lifelong responsibility. Are you sure he didn't know? My H was petrified what his parents would say when I told him I was pregnant. We had been together in a different city for two years and I had only met them once, but not as his girlfriend. He knew as soon as I did but he left it until I was very heavily pregnant as well to tell them. Bless them, I think they were just happy that they were finally going to be grandparents but I was made a part of the family immediately and they hadn't even had the opportunity to decide whether they liked me or not!

Perhaps he has been bearing this himself because of what is happening with dad? There's a world of compromise and love between leaving them to it and giving him the rest of the uni savings? I'd move hell and high water for him to be at the birth of his child, in fact I'd probably try and keep her here if money if flight money is so much of an issue. I'd die inside if someone else paid for that. Very selfishly perhaps, I'd worry that I would lose my son abroad if I didn't take care of him when he needed me.

I might sound harsh, I don't intend it but I'm so confused by your comments. You might not feel like there's any more love to give right now, bless you, but as my children sing to me; love is the one thing if you give it away, you end up having more

I'm worried you're not coping as well as you make out

balletshoes

rumncoke wrote: »

Latest update is that bone damage is confined to his neck & he will require radiotherapy. Dr is hopeful that chemo will not be necessary. No evidence of widespread cancer. However he does require more surgery to further stabilise his neck. We will find out more details of this next Monday when we see the surgeon. Although the prospect of more surgery is not nice we feel that this is a more positive outcome than if the cancer was more widespread.

As regards our other problem that is still unresolved. GF is supposed to be flying back tomorrow as long as she gets medical clearance from Dr today. DS still has his head firmly in cloud cuckoo land & with some financial help from his friends Mom wants to fly over for the birth. (Her offer) Tutor at uni has suggested he takes this year off.
As long as she goes back tomorrow we have said he then needs to come down so we can talk things through.

Whilst I admire him for wanting to do the right thing for GF & child we feel that he is only thinking about the immmediate future & not longer term.

Our priority must be DH & at the moment I am torn between leaving them to it, or offering the rest of the money we have set aside for uni & saying if they blow it all in the next few months then so be it, but there wont be anymore. Should he return to uni he will be funding himself.

I think you're very confused at the moment, and completely understandable, given your DH's latest news.
I have to say though, you can be totally supportive of your DS becoming a dad without handing over your cash - the 2 things are not the same. The money you have set aside for DS's uni expenses is yours, not DSs. Of course its up to you how you use it, but I just wanted to say you can look forward to being grandparents, enjoy the build-up etc, maybe even buy some essential bits etc if you want to, without throwing money at your DS and saying "thats the lot, when its done its done".
In my mum's experience, its never "the lot" lol - you never stop being a mum or a dad (and her youngest child is 35 years old!).

Your DS becoming a father is a long-term thing, so he needs to sort that out and figure out what he and his GF are going to do, where they're going to live, how they'll provide for their family etc. Thats all going to take time, and they might have a few false starts along the way, so what they decide now may not be anything like what they end up doing a year or two down the line.

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm glad you came here for support and to 'unload'. Your husband is going through a terrible time, but don't let anyone make you feel that your burden is less. How you feel is NORMAL.

My husband was my carer while I was bed bound and the strain it put on him cannot be underestimated. He never made me feel like a burden, but if he never felt like you do now, I'd be amazed.

You're a loving wife, not superwoman.

You might find it helpful to speak to someone like Macmillan or bacup (if that still exists?) and Carersuk.org

I wanted to wish you strength and to let you know that people really do understand.

rumncoke

I have changed the title of the thread to be more relevant to current situation.

I'm worried you're not coping as well as you make out. Doozergirl you are spot on there. I typed this mornings update having had 2 hours sleep. Been to the Drs this morning & unloaded. Given something so I can at least get a few full nights sleep. Also it is nearly 4 weeks since I originally posted & my hormones are again getting the better of me.

We do not think its just his GF problem, but we feel that the best place for her, medically if nothing else, is back home with her Dad & his GF. (They have already been told that she is not entitled to full antenatal care over here). We do think he knew & didn't tell us because of the situation with his Dad, but at the moment whenever we speak to him they have come up with another totally impractical plan, with no thought beyond the next few weeks.

Your DS becoming a father is a long-term thing, so he needs to sort that out and figure out what he and his GF are going to do, where they're going to live, how they'll provide for their family etc. Thats all going to take time, and they might have a few false starts along the way, so what they decide now may not be anything like what they end up doing a year or two down the line.
Exactly we have asked him to think about all these things but getting nowhere.

We have sent a long email to him this morning entitled peace talks, suggesting that once she has gone back home he comes home so that we can talk things through. We will be making sure he is at the birth, we know what a special magical time that is. There are lots of issues to discuss but until we can get him face to face this is impossible.

If it wasn't for DH health issues we would have gone to see him as soon as we found out. Although we would have been angry that they were in this mess we would have been more able to offer the emotional support that they both need .However DH is not fit enough to travel & I am also supprting DD who is now aware of the situation.

Must admit I feeling a bit calmer than I did at 6am this morning.

flutterby_lil

Just read your post and hope things work out for all of you - sending love to your DH, anymore news on your son and his GF? Has she gone back yet? The chances are like a previous poster said, after 34 weeks she will not be allowed to fly at all.

flutterby_lil

Sorry just realised that she is due to fly tomorrow,thought you had posted yesterday,