updated love my DH to bits, now about to be grandparents in 6 weeks

rumncoke

Sorry this may turn into a long post, but just want to get my feelings down if only to show him at a later date.

Background first. Married 25 very happy years. DH health problems last year which resulted in major op to fix broken neck. Thought everything OK but further problems now with other bones in neck & a lump. Hospital do not know what is causing the problem although they suspect a tumour. He goes into hospital in the morning for another op to remove lump & straighten bones & try to find cause.

He has been in considerable pain for last few months. We are obviously both very worried. The last few days have been very stressful. He constantly wants kisses & cuddles which he is getting. However as I am currently going through the menopause I am beginning to find this hard. Also wrong time of the month when I really just want to be left alone.

I am self employed working from home & trying to keep things going as best I can at the moment. But it does mean that we are together 24/7.

He is a wonderful man who has always put me & kids (14 &19) before himself. In his words "We are everything to him" He has no male friends locally & says he doesn't need anyone but us. I have always worried about this as if anything were to happen to me I don't think he would cope.

I know a lot of women would love just a fraction of the attention I have but its beginning to smother me. He is going to be off work for at least a few months & possibly longer depending what they find. I can't tell him how I feel at the moment obviously but just wanted to write down my feelings.

Post may come over that I am only thinking about myself but thats not true. I know he is scared & worried & I am trying to be strong for him & have told him to talk to me about his feelings. (Not something he is very good at)

Luckily we do not have money worries as he will get 6 months full then 6 months half pay, as well as a reasonable savings pot.

Sorry for long post

freyanneke_2

Just a good hug, that is all I have to offer. Being a carer or partner of someone in a lot of pain can be quite hard. Make sure you have some time to air your head and recharge. That is the only way you can do it. 24/7 does not work for everyone however good your marriage is. Maybe you can have a set time that you just go for a daily walk or have a weekly lunch date with a friend?
For him it must be very scary to be in so much pain and not to know what is happening next. He might only want to give you all that he can now, just in case he can't at a later stage.
Good luck.

go_cat

It seems to me he is doing this for reassurance that you still love and care for him, as he is worried about himself anf probably feels less of a man as he is not at work providing for you etc even though he is still being paid.

Do you verbally tell him you love him etc regularly it may help to make him feel better about himself

Its really hard on you as well so make sure you have some support somewhere

JaneRN

I've no real advice but just wanted to say that what you are feeling is perfectly reasonable - in case you're feeling guilty about it.
Is this current "clinginess" new for your husband? If it is I think it's just because he's terrifed and clinging on to the only rock he knows. Hopefully as time passes he may feel safe enough to let go a bit.
It must be a difficult time - my mum and dad always had seperate friends and would at times go away without the other - mum to Lourdes and take a couple of the youngest kids still at home, dad to rels in Ireland with or without a child or two in tow. Now dad is terminally ill and relies on my mum more than he ever has in his life. He resents the time mum spends in church - something she has always done. I see the strain this is having on her but she does have her weekends away and us kids relly round to look after dad. It can be mentally stessful and physically draining when you are in this sort of situation when some is very needy of the other.
Is there family close or able to visit to distract your OH from time to time.

Penny-Pincher!!

I've had a really bad night, so this may come across as being rude but dont mean it too.

Right, so your wonderful husband of 25yrs has ALWAYS put you and the children first, never been selfish, provided and has regarded you and his kids as everthing he needs?

He is also in constant pain and needed a major operation on his neck and still has other problems and you're moaning about him wanting reaasurance, cuddles and kisses!

The poor man probably just wants a fraction back of what he has given to you over the years. He is probably worried he is going to die and as you "mean everything to him" he probably thinks that you would support him.

If you cant cope, then hire a PA to help you run your business and be there for your husband.

Sorry if this is blunt, but I am in your husbands position and have been for 5 years.

PP

gratefulforhelp_2

I have often thought that the expression "love x to bits" was the death knell for a relationship, but 25 years is a helluva lot to chuck away, you're going through a terrible time.

Is he mobile? Why not set him up with a few jolly things to do out of the house? Do you have people you could rope in to accompany him?
Maybe he's a bit stir crazy too.

eta sorry, just re-read he's into hosp in the morning. That will be your space for a while, then?

Person_one

Penny-Pincher!! wrote: »

I've had a really bad night, so this may come across as being rude but dont mean it too.

Right, so your wonderful husband of 25yrs has ALWAYS put you and the children first, never been selfish, provided and has regarded you and his kids as everthing he needs?

He is also in constant pain and needed a major operation on his neck and still has other problems and you're moaning about him wanting reaasurance, cuddles and kisses!

The poor man probably just wants a fraction back of what he has given to you over the years. He is probably worried he is going to die and as you "mean everything to him" he probably thinks that you would support him.

If you cant cope, then hire a PA to help you run your business and be there for your husband.

Sorry if this is blunt, but I am in your husbands position and have been for 5 years.

PP

Way, way too harsh.

I'm sorry for your situation, but the OP didn't say any of this to her husband, she came to an anonymous space where she could be honest about some of the more negative things she is feeling and got them off her chest.

The fact that one partner is ill does not change the fact that suddenly being together 24/7 after decades of less time together is a huge adjustment and will take some time to get used to.

People who care for ill partners or family members are not saints, they have their own emotions and sometimes, they may get a little frustrated or resentful, they're just human.

rumncoke

Hi, thanks everyone. Just after posting DH woke up & we ended up having a really long talk (plus lots of hugs & kisses) about our worries & concerns. (started by him) Apart from being scared he is worried about being a burden to me. I managed to reassure him that whatever the next weeks, months, years bring I will be there for him. Because despite how my post may have come across to some I really do love this man & want to be there for him as he has been for me.

I did tell him of my feelings because we were having an honest & open chat. I know that in a couple of days (once hormones have changed) things will seem very different.

We have always been a touchy, feelly sort of couple & constantly express our love in both words & deeds, so we know that our love is strong. He was off for 5 months last year & I can honestly say that I did not get any of these feelings then. I think a combination of worry plus hormones has just got the better of me this time. I have been feeling guilty which has just compounded the problem.


"Sorry if this is blunt, but I am in your husbands position and have been for 5 years."

Penny pincher I truly sympathise as knowing how DH has been these last few months I cannot begin to imagine how you must be. So seeing my post I can see how you would see me as an uncaring selfish !!!!!.

As regards my business I only included that to show that I am at home all the time. It is no wonderfull business empire, income only about 9-10K. I am only trying to keep as normal as possible for our DD sake. DS is away at uni.

Both are fully aware of the situation as we have always been honest & they had already supected there was more to it than we were telling them (They are very close)

We do not have family locally & DH is not close to his anyway, although I do have a wide circle of friends who are very supportive & he has always encouraged me to see them.

At least this mornings chat has cleared the air for both of us & I WILL be there for him come what may.

freyanneke_2

I knew you would work it out!

mountainofdebt

I'm guessing the OP's OH is scared sh**less.....not only did he have a major operation last year, he's been in constant pain for the last few months and the hospital suspect that it is being caused by a tumour......and we all know what we first think of when the word tumour is mentioned.

If it were me I want constant reasssurance and lots of hugs as well.

tbh OP I think you just need to ride this one out - although I do worry when you say you're worried about being together 24/7.......what is going to happen when you're both retired?. Obviously that's a problem for another day but if you feel like this now (when your OH needs you) what are you going to be like then?

Bonny1

JaneRN wrote: »

I've no real advice but just wanted to say that what you are feeling is perfectly reasonable

I agree with Jane, I don't like to be smothered...

hopefully it'll pass ..

in the long term, I wish you luck, your coping with alot Honey, you maybe need a weekender away just by yourself, or a girlfriend, maybe to a spa, or a nice hotel.

best wishes
Bonny