updated love my DH to bits, now about to be grandparents in 6 weeks

rumncoke

Person_one wrote: »

The fact that one partner is ill does not change the fact that suddenly being together 24/7 after decades of less time together is a huge adjustment and will take some time to get used to. Exactly the problem, I am used to being on my own until 6.30pm.

People who care for ill partners or family members are not saints, they have their own emotions and sometimes, they may get a little frustrated or resentful, they're just human.

This is what I have been feeling guilty about, I certainly do not resent him but being hormonely charged at the moment it is making things difficult.

rumncoke

mountainofdebt wrote: »

tbh OP I think you just need to ride this one out - although I do worry when you say you're worried about being together 24/7.......what is going to happen when you're both retired?. Obviously that's a problem for another day but if you feel like this now (when your OH needs you) what are you going to be like then?

I am not worried about being together 24/7 in the long term, just that it will need adjustments. Retirement is something you plan towards & in good health DH will quite often take himself off for the day (loves bus rallys & steam trains) Obviously at the moment this is not possible.

The constant worry for both of us plus my hormones do not make a good combination. Whatever happens we will face it together & make any adjustments to our life as necessary.

Perfect10_2

You sound like a lovely couple and it's great that you can talk to each other. Keep doing that and I am sure you will get through this difficult time.

Don't neglect your own health too though. If you are struggling with hormones/ menopause maybe there are some things you can do to help yourself, doctors or alternative remedies? Not reached that stage myself but bet there are a few people on here who can offer more advice.

Hope all goes well for your DH at the hospital. Hugs xx

rumncoke

DD went out for a couple of hours to a friend, so we have just had a very loving afternoon. Lots of cuddles & love on both sides. The chat this morning cleared the air for both of us. At least now when we go to the hospital in the morning we both know that whatever happens our love will see us through.

Person one you are spot on when you said " she came to an anonymous space where she could be honest about some of the more negative things she is feeling and got them off her chest." I was feeling guilty about how I was feeling & haven't been able to express these thoughts to my close friends.

Many thanks for all your support.

rumncoke

Well DH is recovering well from surgery. Very big op & he will have to wear a neck brace all the time for up to 3 months. Problems have been caused by a form of blood cancer that is attacking the bones. & we will find out on Monday the extent & what treatment is proposed.

If anything we are now even closer. We both have a very positive attitude & will be working through this together. Glad to say that all the negative feelings were purely hormone controlled. I know that the next few months are not going to be easy & that at times my hormones will rage again, but we will accept them as just that & know it will pass in a few days. The love & support we have received from friends & family has been overwhelming.

However we now have another family problem which we found out at the beginning of this week. We had both been a little hurt that our DS (19) who is away at uni had not visited us last weekend despite our offer of the train fair. It turns out his American GF has been over for the last month & is 33 weeks pregnant. She should have gone back last Sunday but due to fainting at the airport airline would not let her fly. As yet we do not know exactly what they are going to do.

Understandably we have been extremely hurt & angry that he had not told us but I can understand why he didn't, & admire him for trying to shoulder it all. We have always been a very open family who discusses everything. Just as an aside we have never really taken to GF who is 21.

I just feel so torn between wanting to offer my support but feel that my loyalties must be to my DH at the moment. DH just does not have the physical & emotional reserves to be able to offer any support. He is concentrating on regaining his strength before starting treatment.

JaneRN

Oh dear, I'm not surprised you're angry and don't know what to say really. I feel for you as you should be focusing all you attention on your DH and now you're both distracted by this deveolpment.
As the mother of a 28 year old son I have to some extent be in denial with some of his past antics. I found that I was getting myself into a real state at things that were beyond my control. I was the one getting hurt and he sailed through his life seemingly carefree.
I now have no expectations from my son, but he knows I will be available if/when he needs me.

Wishing your husband well with his recovery and hope there are not too many hurdles ahead.

rumncoke

Thanks Jane. We do not know many details as yet but suspect that he may not have found out until he went over there in the summer, by which time she would have been about 4 months. She was over here in February.
I posted on here in July about the amount of money they spent at the time going to NY etc & how we had sent extra to bail them out. Neither of them are working & we now see this as even more irresponsible.
DH's attitude, aside from his health issues, is let them get on with it. Before we found out how many weeks she was we had already told him that finacially he was on his own. (& this will not change) I will still be sending his usual weekly allowance as long as he stays in uni. This is just enough to cover food & basics in line with benefits. We worked it out together before he went back.
We are truly sorry he is in this position but feel that some tough love is called for. Hopefully she will go back home to her Dad & they will manage as best they can. DS will not abandon her or the child as he isn't that sort but we feel he needs to concentrate on his studies in order to secure some sort of future.

JaneRN

I think you are handling it exactly right - and DH attitude seems the healthiest one for all concerned. Tough love is the only way sometimes, I was tough with my son two years ago when I encouraged him into his own place. I was in bits inside and was on the verge of telling him I didn't want him to go. Two years on I realise it was the best thing for him. He's doing so well now, still up to things which I don't like but I've realised there is nothing I can do, so do my best to not let it impact on me.
Let him deal with it - my son always finds me when he needs my support and hopefully your son will do the same.

whatatwit

Hugs to you.

It sounds as though your sons girlfriend could be over here for a while. I think she may struggle to get the airline to take her at 33+ weeks.

I have sent you a PM

rumncoke

Many thanks for the PM, I will respond once we have been to the hospital Monday.

I have looked at the airline website that they usually use & there is no limit although they advise getting medical clearance after 36 weeks, so hopefully will be OK. Not sure what they will do if she stays, as he lives in a shared student house. I intend to send him a message in the morning that we will phone Monday night with an update on DH & expect them to have made some decisions.

I do believe that if she had gone back as planned he would not have told us at the moment due to the situation. I think he just panicked & could not cope anymore.