Life after bankruptcy?

ani_26

To be honest, thinking about ANY work, is the last thing on my mind right now.I can't even think about potting plants. Stress, stress, stress, i can't cope, i want to escape.

Aesop

One thing that struck me ani, is that you need to tell HRMC that you are no longer self employed. Give a date you stop being self employed.

This means you will be able to claim the other benefits although they will ask you to start looking for employment.

But it gives you a chance to get hb and ct sorted and paid up and maybe in a few months time when you are feeling better you can start applying for paid employment?

ani_26

Aesop, i've had expert ( free ) advice. Hmrc are having none of it. They have officially classed me as employed, for tax purposes, and self employed, for ni purposes. Eeejits

ani_26

Tonight, i feel the worst i have throughout any of all this. Not even demoralised. I just feel a total failure. I've just completely failed at everything, in my life. Life feels pointless. How am i ever going to pick myself up again. I should feel relieved i have a second chance, but i don't. I don't care. That person certainly knew how to make you feel, i don't know how to describe it. Maybe they believe that attitude would shock someone, but not if you're past the point of no return.

kerri_gt

Ani, I'm not sure what I can suggest and unfortunately I am all out of magic wishes but I'm just here to kick you in the 'arris and remind you that you have a number of friends on here - we are people not just written words on a screen.

I am not suprised at how you are feeling and can't imagine how I'd cope being put in your shoes, what's that phrase about the law being an !!!? well I think we can safely throw the benefits system and HMRC into that mix too.

I can only echo Miggy and Aesop about you perhaps looking for something work wise when you're feeling up to it - and of course send you one of my hugs xx (and I'm not a huggy person, so you're honoured to have so many from me ) xx

beanielou

words fail me TBH.

ani_26

kerri_gt wrote: »

Ani, I'm not sure what I can suggest and unfortunately I am all out of magic wishes but I'm just here to kick you in the 'arris and remind you that you have a number of friends on here - we are people not just written words on a screen.

I guess that was what someone was trying to do yesterday, kick me in the arris, however, if you're ill, well, you're ill.

Maybe in some bizarre way, it still IS written words on a screen, after all, its a diary of my thoughts. I'm also still wary of the tinternet, after the negative comments i've received, along the way. I know i should ignore them, because we are who we are. We are all different, aren't we? Because one person says this, it doesn't mean its right. Everyone has different opinions and coping mechanisms. My coping mechanism is just exhausted / expired.

I can only echo Miggy and Aesop about you perhaps looking for something work wise when you're feeling up to it - and of course send you one of my hugs xx (and I'm not a huggy person, so you're honoured to have so many from me ) xx

I don't want to think about work, although i know its likely i wouldn't return to my old job. I also know its unlikely i'll get a job i WANT to do. You only have to look around mse and the real world. You're lucky if you get ANY job, let alone one of your choice.


Hugs are good. You should hug at least three people a day, ( probably like the 5 a day thing.)


I take a bow, ( or i would if i could find a smiley )

ani_26

Today is another day, isn't it? and i'm still here.

I don't know how i feel today. Numb, probably. I don't really feel anything. Either way.

I wasn't expecting that, yesterday. It took me completely by surprise. I just expected a lifetime of trying to pay off a relatively small debt. They didn't even go down that road. I wasn't given that option. I had every intention of repaying my debts, whilst i was on this planet.

I don't know where i go from here. I hate it in this place, because its been such a struggle whilst i've been here, too. I've got a "bad " reputation, for everything. No one knew me when i moved in. Now i don''t know what people know. Chinese whispers. I couldn't move, if i wanted to. The only place i'd be, is out on the street. I'm stuck here. I don't have options like other people, especially those who are buying their own homes. Yes, i know, stop feeling sorry for yourself, but its just a reality. Make the most of what you've got, and if its nowt, so be it. Do i have the energy to start again? Not right now. Wr say its not *** place to be judgemental, or to decide who is fit to work. Probably, that's the decision of my gp. Or stupid dwp.


No more buying flora. I really am on a life of benefits now, which means there isn't enough money to cover my bills. *** said i should write off my telephone and broadband in the dro, as i've checked and it costs £300 to cancel. As is, with everything else. Which means you might as well pay for it monthly, and have the service anyway. No one knows what a lifeline the tinternet has become to me. Except those reading my diary. I'd do without gas and electric too, but don't we live in a civilised soceity? Isn't there a limit to what you can cut back on? I only have the basics, as it is. Apart from ani, that is. I don't want to think about ani. I hate ani too, right now.

I'm no longer the sociable creature i once was. I don't know how to fix that one. Well, yes i do, obviously, but its easier said than done. I was watching something last night showing how to integrate people back into soceity. I'm there too. I've isolated for so long, people don't understand me. Huh, they're just talking about people feeling disconnected. I feel disconnnected from myself, and everything else. Well, that bits true. Do it for you?

Of course, increasingly, i want to meet the " friends " who have supported me on here. I want to become part of their lives, too. You might think i'm an axe murderer, as sw used to say. Of course i'm not a bloody axe murderer. I'm just a " normal " ( ish ) human being gone through a s* time. Aren't i?

For today, i'm going to try and finish the potting and the weeding. I shouldn't set myself targets, because i'm in no place to achieve. After all, i wanted to finish this by the end of last week. Such is how it is, it takes an eternity to do anything, right now, and then i receive more phone calls or letters, which ultimately, i have to deal with in some way. I potted some more seeds yesterday. I looked at buying something to plant my salad bar, yesterday, but decided against it. After all, i've no spare cash. I'll have to make do with potting everything individually in the free pots i'd forgotten about. I've got one bag of compost left. If stuff doesn't grow, it doesn't grow. I'm far from equipped to be a horticulturist. Why do i always have to be a perfectionist?


Just got a phone call from my bank. 8.00am. Lost my bank accounts. Its only what i expected. Why do i feel upset?

miggy

I'm sorry to hear about your bank accounts and the broadband. A real rough patch to put it mildly. How long are you tied into that contract for?

I love the idea of a meet-up. Funnily, I never saw you as an ax murderer. Just think of you, beanie, Aesop, kerri, me an' all sauntering along some promenade somewhere eating our F&C... yes you will get sociable again, but it's going to take recovery time.

Oh 'elp, got to run or I'll be late for work. Laters.

ani_26

miggy wrote: »

I'm sorry to hear about your bank accounts and the broadband. A real rough patch to put it mildly. How long are you tied into that contract for?

18 months :rotfl:

On the other hand, if you weigh up how many 0845 calls i've had to make and the cost of travelling to the jcp and council, to make free calls etc, its probably worth its weight in gold.

I love the idea of a meet-up. Funnily, I never saw you as an ax murderer. Just think of you, beanie, Aesop, kerri, me an' all sauntering along some promenade somewhere eating our F&C... yes you will get sociable again, but it's going to take recovery time.

Are you goin' to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine.

Tell her to make me a cambric shirt (On the side of a hill in the deep forest green).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Tracing a sparrow on snow-crested ground).
Without no seams nor needlework (Blankets and bedclothes the child of the mountain).
Then she'll be a true love of mine (Sleeps unaware of the clarion call).

Tell her to find me an acre of land (On the side of a hill, a sprinkling of leaves).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Washes the grave with silvery tears).
Between salt water and the sea strands (A soldier cleans and polishes a gun).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Tell her to reap it in a sickle of leather (War bellows, blazing in scarlet battalions).
Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme (Generals order their soldiers to kill).
And gather it all in a bunch of heather (And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten).
Then she'll be a true love of mine.

Are you going to Scarborough Fair? Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme.
Remember me to one who lives there, she once was a true love of mine




I'd best start saving now, then. Hang on a minute, didn't that beanie say something about f & c. I know where you can buy the most devine fresh crab sandwiches, very cheaply, ( and there's not many places you can do that, nowadays. )

Okay. a stroll along the beach, f and c, ( in polystyrene containers for h & s,) ginger ice cream, a pot of eg, all preceded by a g and t or a glass of champers to celebrate the fact i made it there in the first place


Seriously, if i met up with you guys i suspect there wouldn't be a dry eye in the place. I know i would just burst into tears, regardless.

I suppose it doesn't matter what anyone looks like. You may have an image in your mind, ( which is probably completely wrong, ) but when you've grown to know someone as a person, through the written word, you would never turn round and say, i don't like the look of that person. Thats what its all about, isn't it? Although, my innermost thoughts are, well......................