Life after bankruptcy?

MatyMoo

Oh dear, what has Ani done? Not very often you sear at her - I hope it was done with affection :rotfl:

SazM030306

Nice to see you're online Ani, hope you're enjoying the sunshine and the daffodils! xxx

ani_26

Gone looking for my diary and its disappeared, hi there Saz


Had a terrible night and didn't get to sleep until gone 4 am. At that time of night you desperately want someone to talk to, however there is no point in talking, as talking may end my freedom, and i need my freedom.


I feel quite calm today, albeit tired. They say you get to a state of calmness.


Yes.Today i AM going to enjoy the sunshine. I'm getting into this gardening lark even though i hate it, because the gardens are so beautiful. Someone has put so much care into them, and all they need is maintaining. Such an abundance of colour with various plants, now. Daffs still keep on going. I suppose you could say i had dropped lucky with this property, as everything was already here and cared for.

Spent a fiver in total, today and yesterday on a few more bulbs and plants.A few more primula, gladioli, and some oriental /asiatic lillies, which i also love. A fiver, when i've no income is insane, and planting things is also insane. Or pointless. Never mind, it gets me out in the garden. I feel i have slightly more energy today, and after some gentle time in the garden, i might venture for a walk to the park, this afternoon, before the weather breaks.

SazM030306

You're sounding ever so positive today Ani! Lovely to hear. You might sleep better tonight after some fresh air too. Enjoy your day xxx

ani_26

SazM030306 wrote: »

You're sounding ever so positive today Ani! Lovely to hear. You might sleep better tonight after some fresh air too. Enjoy your day xxx

Thanks, enjoy yours, too x

Positive? Positive and calm because ?

ani_26

Not positive and calm anymore. Bulbs etc now planted, but still have to confront sweet peas. A neighbour started chatting as they passed. Meet people in your own front garden, huh? Apparently the guy who had this place before, had won lots of awards for his garden. Lucky me, huh? They also told me something else which upset me, which sends me into a downward spiral, as i realise i'm not fit for purpose, ie, to live. One comment and i can't cope with anything, again. You can never trust anyone. Where are all these people who are supposed to be helping? I haven't heard from a soul. I'm not going to go crawling to people asking for help.Off for that walk and to get p*, now. I'm starting to become the local w* in the park, Just want to get away from it all.

Aesop

Ani, am only thanking your posts to let you know someone is reading, not that I agree with everything you say.

ani_26

Aesop wrote: »

Ani, am only thanking your posts to let you know someone is reading, not that I agree with everything you say.

In that case should i thank miggy for thanking you and also thank you myself?

I doubt anyone is ever going to agree with anything i say, as i always seem to have strong, controversial, opinions. Or maybe i just throw caution to the wind or i have no inhibitions when it comes to talking about subjects which are not there for discussion, or meant to exist. Maybe we should all be more open about things. Or maybe i'm just naive. Still, i've always spoken first and thought, afterwards. Why change the habits of a lifetime? And what is the point of playing happy families of positivity, when life just isn't always like that. I appreciate some people seem to go through life seemingly always looking on the bright side. But is it like that really? Or is it just an illusion?


Anyway, thankyou for reading Aesop. You've been around a long time. I suppose maybe its irrelevant if anyone reads my diary or not. After all, i'm not out to win a popularity contest, or to get the most views, ever, on a blog. That would never be important to me or my ego.


Its just an expression of how it is, still is,unfortunately.

ani_26

I didn't get p* after all. In fact, i've started with another cold, having only just had one before i ended up in hospital. Now i feel coldified rough, too. I'm going for a long soak and an early night, in the hope i can get some decent sleep, for a change.

I now feel calmer again. I love it up there, especially during the week, when it is quieter. The only trouble is i lose track of time and sit there for hours until i'm freezing cold. Its so peaceful up there, with only the birds for company, ( and the occasional dog walker.) I saw a robin today. I'd already seen one in the garden. I can see the ridge in the distance, but i simply couldn't attempt that sort of walking at the moment.

Everything has gone so quiet here at the moment. No letters, no phone calls, no visits. No one. I'm living in a surreal world. I'm not paying any bills, because i don't have any income. I still don't have the energy to fill in four sets of forms. But then i keep telling myself there's no need anyway. This is the first time ever, i've switched off, although i know things can't continue like this.

kerri_gt

Hi Ani, like Aesop, thanking your posts to let you know i'm here, and i guess also thanking you for sharing your thoughts / feelings with us.

Don't think it's pointless planting flowers and bulbs, if the guy before hadn't planted all those bulbs the daffs wouldn't be blooming now. Hope the long soak did the trick, i love lieing in the bath with the window open listening to the outside, a bit like being in a safe warm cacoon - hmmmm, perhaps there's something freudian about being back in the womb there ... oh heck!

Hope it's not a cold and perhaps a spot of hayfever.

Oh and in terms of people going through life always looking on the bright side, I think even the people who always 'appear' to do that still have down days but keep them behind closed doors - I'm not convinced that's always a positive thing. We're human, and we have a whole raft of emotions - I guess thats what makes us human ... if that makes sense?