Life after bankruptcy?

miggy

Hi Ani, what lovely people you seem to draw to you!

I'm back at home - won't go into details why I was away, some good stuff and some sad stuff - but I'm back on a computer I can operate. I've caught up on the last few days' posts on this thread (did you know I read you first and sometimes don't read anywhere else on the site?); I guess I'm with the others in that I sooo wish you were through this situation and able to enjoy life again, yet I see you do enjoy your job, and I'm glad of it. I just want you to be able to have the job in sane amounts and get paid what you're worth.

Is it any help to say that a few months ago I was in a bad way, as if I was a black hole inside, but I'm back in the light now? Just so you know it can happen, though it seems impossible when you're going through it.

And if you're going to disappear off, please let us know! I was worried when you seemed to have gone before. That doesn't mean you couldn't have a private blog we couldn't read, of course - I think there are some you can make private - but please let us know how you're doing from time to time on here. I suspect that for each of us who does post, you have some other people who just don't have the words to say, and maybe in similar circumstances to you even, who log in regularly and hope you're still here.

Look after yourself. And... I found some daffodil bulbs that I didn't manage to plant before the frosts last year but they've survived the winter and tomorrow I'm going to plant some for you. They have tiny roots because they've been standing in a saucer of water, so I know they will grow strong and next year they will be wonderful.

xx

ani_26

My daffodils have died, now. Who knows if i will see daffodils, next spring?

I don't know the song, unfortunately, Aesop, and my narrowband makes it impossible to watch you tube.

I suppose the whole point is to continue a more private diary, now. I'm just so thick with computers, i don't know how to continue a diary with more private access, only. I'm sure anyone with an ounce of compassion does'nt want to read about the thoughts i'm having, in reality. This is all sounding wrong.

The bottom line is. I want to work. I am working, albeit 100 hours a week at the moment. I won't always be able to work 100 hours a week, both physically, and the availabilty of work. I can't guarantee when i'm paid. I've tried, and do, work all day and all night, with no sleep.


The logical explanation would be to have my working income supplemented by these elusive state benefits that everyone else seems to be able to procure. Surely wtc and housing benefit would take my income to a level i could consider living. Its ludicrous. I don't have words anymore. I'm fed up of saying the same things, thinking about the same things, worrying about the same things. The fact is, if you look at my soa, i don't even have the money to cover rent. I always knew i was'nt going to, when i lost my home. How do other people on low incomes manage to keep a roof over their head?

I won't degenerate into living in a cardboard box, on the streets. Not that i have anything against these people. Some of them very educated, too. Its just not for me. I know, too, how it can happen to anyone, and there but the grace of god, (carp), go all of us.


I wonder how many people ever get to this state, where they think, enough is enough. There is no future. There is no life after bankruptcy. This is'nt life. Do you think there is life, beyond life?

SazM030306

Are you going to change your job then? For one with less hours, regular guaranteed pay, top up from benefits, and YOU time? That seems like the only logical explanation to me.
Good luck x

ani_26

It is strange today. My private thoughts now dominate my life. I'm back to the stage where i think people look at me and see straight through my physical head to what my brain is thinking. Maybe this is the paranoia of someone who becomes obssessed with what is in my thoughts. Ths odd thing is, people just stare at you and continue on their way. Its odd to think people in the real world might identify with me, since i don't have any friends, in the real world. Its odd to think they might identify with me and what is going on inside my head and how i'm really feeling. But would it make any difference? You never know what is going on, in someone else's head.

Wordsmith

Hi, Ani. I'm sorry life is so tough for you at the moment.

I'm sorry if I've missed it, but I don't quite understand why if you are working so many hours you are so hard up. (I realise I might be coming a bit late to this and everyone has probably moved on from asking the question.) You say that your clients take a long time to pay you, so does that mean that there is a ball of money somewhere just waiting to get into you account and you are broke in the meantime? Or are you working for about 5p an hour? Or are your long hours because you have to travel a long way and you don't get paid for travelling time? (If the last, then surely if you are expected to work away you should get travelling expenses?)

I know this is the sort of question that when you are in the thick of it you want to rip someone's head off for asking - I've been there. But having been there I also know that you can get into a certain mindset and not see the wood for the trees. To start sorting out what is going on, you really need to get some sleep and sit down with a clear head to think about the way forward. If you are working for such a paltry amount, you won't notice the difference if you take two days off - sleep for 24 hours and then with a clear head think about what your options are. Please don't say you don't have any options, because you do. Killing yourself isn't one of them, because that is just nonsensical. There are other, better ones.

I don't mean to sound harsh - when you are as low as you are, anything sounds harsh. In my lowest moments, if someone didn't answer the phone when I rang I felt let down. When you come out the other side you can see how utterly ridiculous that is. Before that, you don't want to know.

Please also go to see a doctor.

My thought are with you.

Aesop

I didn't put a you tube link in ani, so here are the words to the song

The Fray - How to save a life

Lyrics to How To Save A Life :
Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

CHORUS:
Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

Aesop

From wikipedia

According to lead singer, pianist and songwriter Isaac Slade, the song was composed and influenced by his experience while working as a mentor at a camp for troubled teens:
“ One of the youngsters I was paired up with was a musician. Here I was, a protected suburbanite, and he was just 17 and had all these problems. And no one could write a manual on how to save him. ”
Slade claims that the song is about all of the people that tried to reach out to the boy but were unsuccessful. As Slade says in an interview, the boy's friends and family approached him by saying, "Quit taking drugs or I won't talk to you again," but all he needed was some support. The verses of the song describe an attempt by an adult to confront a troubled teen. In the chorus, the singer laments that he himself was unable to save a friend because he did not know how.
While this was the original intent of the song, the band has opened the song to interpretation. They created a website where fans were welcome to submit music videos they had made for the song. This arose from the response that Slade got from the song:[2]
“ I got a lot of e-mails about it (...) One boy died in a car accident, and I guess it had been the last song he downloaded from his computer. They played it at his funeral, and some of his friends got Save a life tattooed on their arms. The response has been overwhelming. ”
From an interview with Slade by Bob Wilson in Sauce, Slade was asked, "'How to Save a Life', was apparently inspired by an experience you had as a mentor to a boy who had a drug problem. What's the story behind that?" Slade answered:[3]
“ Well there's a group home here in Denver called Shelterwood, and it takes in teens who've had a tough time; their parents don't want to send them to jail, but they can't keep track of them themselves... A friend of mine was actually the president for that particular school, so he asked Joe and I to come up for one of their weekend retreats... I was paired up with one boy in particular. His story was just amazing – all the relationships that he had put at risk because of the decisions he made, and eventually losing the relationships... the cost of his lifestyle and his choices, and kind of relating them to my own life and my own stories; seeing all the relationships I've threatened for one reason or another. It was a really inspiring weekend. ”
[edit]

Aesop

having a private blog on wordpress.com that no one can read

goto https://www.wordpress.com

choose a blog address, you can change this later. It will tell you if someone is already using your chosen address

choose your username and password

put in your e-mail address, it needs this to send you an activation email.

Then click on sign up.

Wait for your activation email. When received click on the link, it will take you to your new account on wordpress.com

when you are logged in, goto the top left hand corner, you will see My Account.

scroll down to the bottom on the left hand side of the screen. You will see settings

click on the word settings and it will open a new menu

click on the word privacy in the new menu

choose the third option

I would like my blog to be private, visible only to users I choose

save settings

and hey presto you have a private blog that no one can find.

there is a very good help function that explains with detailed photos how to write the blog, etc.

ani_26

Thanks Aesop xx

What do you mean my choose a blog address? Do you mean a name for your blog? You can even put photos on there.

ani_26

Wordsmith, thanks x

I have already stated previously that earlier this year i was working for something ridiculous which actually equated to something like £1 an hour, when i sat down and worked out the time, effort and hours i'd invested in the job. And yes, more fool me. Just one of ' those ' jobs.

The sums are in the process of being done, the hard truth is, this has been the way it is for several years, now, to the extent where it has now destroyed me. I'm fed up of covering the same ground. I can't do it anymore.

Funnily enough i was talking to someone today, who was asking me about my job. On benefits themself, and with a PHD. They said there ARE no jobs at the jobcentre, ( i know this myself ), their benefits are being cut, and they are seriously considering growing cannabis, because they've got to do something. Straight up. I told them i was going down the other route. Did'nt bat an eyelid. Because they live in the REAL world, too. Not the boat that David Cameroon says we are all in.