What to do

McCuddly

Hey all

I've just recently arrived at Liverpool Uni student halls. I have a partner who I've been with for 2 years (I've known him for seven) and last year I lost my job and my partner whilst I studied and looked for work he gave me money for Metrolink fares, going out etc and I've kept a book of how much I owe (I am going to pay him back and he isn't bugging me for it)

I moved to Liverpool Uni halls on Saturday to finish my degree (I was raped in my hometown where I went uni and couldnt complete it there) He's been supportive and he's paid for my halls and anything I needed. I was in debt and he paid it off. Now I've calculated and I owe my partner £8,500.

I need a way to bring it up in conversation to arrange a repayment plan with him, as I don't want him thinking I'm using him He's made no mention of me paying back and I really want to

He's also mentioned if I wanted to permantely settle in Liverpool he'd move to here and take a paycut at work. I really don't want him to do this as I want the security of going back to something.

If youre wondering what I'm asking

1) How can I bring up the question of paying my partner back without ruining my relationship
2) How can I talk him out of him throwing his really good job away and taking a fairly big paycut at work
3) Am I just panicing or is there some alteriamotive?

eleanor73

I think your partner is very supportive and if your wishes are to repay him I think he will understand. Is there a reason you don't want him to join you other than him getting a paycut/guilt? Are you looking for independance?

McCuddly

eleanor73 wrote: »

I think your partner is very supportive and if your wishes are to repay him I think he will understand. Is there a reason you don't want him to join you other than him getting a paycut/guilt? Are you looking for independance?

He gives me all the independance I want. He doesn't tell me what to do etc As for not wanting him to move. I'd have alot of guilt. He'd take £12k pay cut as he'd have to go down a grade and I could never forgive myself if he did

pigpen

I would work ou how much I could reasonably afford to pay him a week/month and offer him that.. if he is sensible he will realise you are doing you best and have honourable intentions and no out for what you can get. I wouldn't broach it until i had the money in my hand and could say 'this is off my debt thank you for helping me out and if it is ok with you I would like to repay you at X amount each month.' and see where the conversation goes.

I am sad to hear you had an unpleasant experience at home.. hopefully this will be better and you can move on with your new start.

You have just moved to your new town so I wouldn't be making any decisions about whether you will be there forever or long enough to warrant OH upping sticks and moving too.. wait and see how it goes.. give it a few months at least, you might hate it by then!

VfM4meplse

Hi McCuddly,

Firstly well done for soldiering on in the face of adversity.

I think the answer to your question boils don to how much you trust your partner. If his behaviour would suugest that this really is "no-strings" money and you have a strong relationship, I wouldn't even mention it. There will be plenty of ways to contribute once you have graduated and your improved earning potential will be worth the investment.

You've got to get through finals and secure a job before you can decide whether to settle in Liverpool, it's too early to consider this yet and I think it would be a mistake for your partner to change jobs and take a pay cut on that premise right now. When you graduate you'll want to move to where the opportunity is and I would suggest that be the focus of your future plans; that will be the time to start paying him back if you really want to. I suspect he considers money earnt as to be enjoyed jointly hence his willingness to support you.

In the meantime, just make sure your OH knows that you love him and find ways of showing it, a bit of consideration will affirm your committment to him.

Good luck, VfM

Crazy_Jamie

McCuddly wrote: »

1) How can I bring up the question of paying my partner back without ruining my relationship

The issue of finances can be a sticky one at the best of times in any relationship irrespective of how much an imbalance there is. This is especially so when you haven't really had any sort of discussion on finances, and theoretically at least your finances aren't joint.

Have you had any sort of significant discussion about finances going forward? For example, do you have a joint account that money goes in to, are your finances entirely separate save for him giving you money etc? The obvious reason why your partner hasn't raised payment back is because he doesn't want it, and the obvious reason why he doesn't want it is because he is thinking of the future and to a time when, ultimately, your finances will be joint so the money he is giving you know pales into insignificance.

I would say that the best way to raise this is to go into the discussion looking for information rather than in an attempt to work out a payment plan. You insisting on paying him back and him not wanting you to is an easy way to create an issue that shouldn't be there. So raise the issue of the money you feel you owe, and ask him whether he wants or has considered you paying it back. If not, find out why. Consider the conversation in the broader spectrum rather than just you paying back a perceived debt. It might be that the exchange of information allows you to resolve the situation.

2) How can I talk him out of him throwing his really good job away and taking a fairly big paycut at work

What are the circumstances of this? Why is he moving from his current position?

3) Am I just panicing or is there some alteriamotive?

It is difficult to see what an ulterior motive would be at this stage. The obvious ulterior motive is trying to recover the money if the relationship breaks down, but apart from the relationship break down not being something that you want to consider, he would also be in difficulty legally if there is no record of this being an arranged series of loans.


One final thought is this; your situation is not unusual. I'm not saying that every person owes their partner £8,500, but an earnings imbalance is a very common issue within the relationship. The way that you go about solving this is not necessarily a million miles away from a resolution that plenty of couples have to reach. So don't feel that you're in an irreconcilable position- a lot of couples go through this issue one way or the other, and it's more than possible to come out of the other side unscathed.

eleanor73

I didn't mean any offence by it - I agree it would be difficult for you to see him take a paycut.:) I just know I would want my partner with me if he wanted that - but that's just me.

I hope it all works out for you. Maybe if he does take the paycut that could be a really good reason and a good chance for you to offer the repayment?

When you say 'am I just panicking or is there an alteria motive' what do you mean? Are you talkign about his motive or yours?

McCuddly

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Hi McCuddly,

Firstly well done for soldiering on in the face of adversity.

I think the answer to your question boils don to how much you trust your partner. If his behaviour would suugest that this really is "no-strings" money and you have a strong relationship, I wouldn't even mention it. There will be plenty of ways to contribute once you have graduated and your improved earning potential will be worth the investment.

You've got to get through finals and secure a job before you can decide whether to settle in Liverpool, it's too early to consider this yet and I think it would be a mistake for your partner to change jobs and take a pay cut on that premise right now. When you graduate you'll want to move to where the opportunity is and I would suggest that be the focus of your future plans; that will be the time to start paying him back if you really want to. I suspect he considers money earnt as to be enjoyed jointly hence his willingness to support you.

In the meantime, just make sure your OH knows that you love him and find ways of showing it, a bit of consideration will affirm your committment to him.

Good luck, VfM

I trust him alot. When he gave me the first lot of money I said that I'll pay him back and he said that he doesn't want or will ever ask for the money back. I'm not happy in my hometown, I can't trust anyone except my partner. He keeps saying he'll go anywhere with me and money doesn't matter to him and he just wants me to be happy, be it in our home town or in some sleepy town.

Crazy_Jamie wrote: »

The issue of finances can be a sticky one at the best of times in any relationship irrespective of how much an imbalance there is. This is especially so when you haven't really had any sort of discussion on finances, and theoretically at least your finances aren't joint.

I just feel Im more of a leech than a contributor, When I did work My monthly wage was 3 days wage for him

Have you had any sort of significant discussion about finances going forward? For example, do you have a joint account that money goes in to, are your finances entirely separate save for him giving you money etc?

We did open a joint account and I have a card. His wages and all the bills leave that he said If I need to withdraw it

The obvious reason why your partner hasn't raised payment back is because he doesn't want it, and the obvious reason why he doesn't want it is because he is thinking of the future and to a time when, ultimately, your finances will be joint so the money he is giving you know pales into insignificance.

How do you mean? He'll take money later on?

I would say that the best way to raise this is to go into the discussion looking for information rather than in an attempt to work out a payment plan. You insisting on paying him back and him not wanting you to is an easy way to create an issue that shouldn't be there. So raise the issue of the money you feel you owe, and ask him whether he wants or has considered you paying it back. If not, find out why. Consider the conversation in the broader spectrum rather than just you paying back a perceived debt. It might be that the exchange of information allows you to resolve the situation.
What are the circumstances of this? Why is he moving from his current position?

He is a station manager and he is willing to drop a grade and become a duty manager.

It is difficult to see what an ulterior motive would be at this stage. The obvious ulterior motive is trying to recover the money if the relationship breaks down, but apart from the relationship break down not being something that you want to consider, he would also be in difficulty legally if there is no record of this being an arranged series of loans.

Getting panicy now.

eleanor73 wrote: »

I didn't mean any offence by it - I agree it would be difficult for you to see him take a paycut.:) I just know I would want my partner with me if he wanted that - but that's just me.

I do want him there but I don't want him loosing money and his job for me

I hope it all works out for you. Maybe if he does take the paycut that could be a really good reason and a good chance for you to offer the repayment?

I'm more scared if he hates his job he'll hate me

When you say 'am I just panicking or is there an alteria motive' what do you mean? Are you talkign about his motive or yours?

His.

GEEGEE8

Why are you getting so worked up about this?

Your partner sounds really nice, and probably knows that you are easily worked up and just wants to offer emotional and financial support, because it makes him feel better, and should be making you feel better.

I think you need to concentrate on uni and the other parts of your relationship.

Don't focus on this money issue, the only person it seems to be an issue for is you, and you need to be comfortable in knowing that he isn't expecting anything right now because of the situation you are in.

Don't worry! Smile, and try to enjoy your uni course and your relationship x

Crazy_Jamie

McCuddly wrote: »

How do you mean? He'll take money later on?

No, I mean that he is looking forward to your life together in future, to a point where financially it is not 'you' and 'him' but 'both of you'. When you have a house and a family and, more importantly, when everything earned is for the family and not an individual, and when any money that you may technically owe him just doesn't matter anymore.

He is a station manager and he is willing to drop a grade and become a duty manager.

But why he is willing to drop that grade? Is it his choice or something that may be forced on him?

Getting panicy now.

There's no reason to. You have no arrangement to pay this money back, so he has nothing to enforce if you split up. But in any event you want to pay this money back, which is the worst case scenario with what I just described. My whole point is that there is no ulterior motive here.

McCuddly

Crazy_Jamie wrote: »

No, I mean that he is looking forward to your life together in future, to a point where financially it is not 'you' and 'him' but 'both of you'. When you have a house and a family and, more importantly, when everything earned is for the family and not an individual, and when any money that you may technically owe him just doesn't matter anymore.

He said before to me and he said that whats he earns is in our pot and we both can spend. We already have a house his parents died at a young age and left him a house and he asked me to move in last October.

But why he is willing to drop that grade? Is it his choice or something that may be forced on him?

When I've asked he said it would be his choice and his manager would try and talk him out of it but my partner keeps saying even if we lived in a really old leaking caravan as long as I smiled he'd be happy

There's no reason to. You have no arrangement to pay this money back, so he has nothing to enforce if you split up. But in any event you want to pay this money back, which is the worst case scenario with what I just described. My whole point is that there is no ulterior motive here.

So youre saying he is more than likely giving me the money. Once he did say he didnt want my credit to be shot or anything like that as he wants me to have the best chance at anything I want to do (He even said some jobs, candidates are credit checked!!)