Buffy's Adventures at the Post Office......

Buffythedebtslayer

lol.... I had best ring the doctors and get them to send a new slip thing......

Busy for the next couple of weeks, it is very tense at school at the moment. feels fairly awful!! the kids are also picking up on it which is fun!

so any how I doubt I'll be around much over the next couple of weeks and if I am here tell me to !!!! off and do my marking!!!

xx

Buffythedebtslayer

I am here, knackered and not doing what I should be doing! no change there then!

I am not feeling very well and the thought work tomorrow is just hideous.

and I spent a fair bit today too. well I didn't really cos I immediately returned a present I bought cos it was the wrong age range for the kid I was buying for. any how I think I am miserable. plus nervous about tomorrow.

any how I am tired and grumpy so I am off

xx

urg123

Hope tomorrow goes okay and you feel better. Is it stuff going on at work that makes you feel crap or the feeling of not being well at work.

Urg x x

Buffythedebtslayer

I thought today would be tough but in the end I decided to stay off work, I have felt weak and worn out from feeling ill the last few days, I slept funny on my neck and it hurts, my wisdom teeth hurt and so I decided to do the sensible thing and have a day off.

I will be in some sort of trouble over it but hey. at this vantage point I don't care. I am truly fed up with being stressed out of my tree and not being well at work. I really do need a break and some chance to draw breath and calm down. I don't mean to let down collegues but surely to God I am allowed to be ill????????? its awful everyone makes you feel like you are lying.

Posting on George's diary I realised that I really have to take advantage of a couple of things.

1. living at home is kinda cheap
2. my jobs are well paid -both these mean that as a single woman this may be the only opportunity i have to save enough money for a deposit

My next serious birthday is my 40th. 35 came round pretty quickly. I am running out of time for the life I dreamed of.

I am pleased I am almost there re debtfreeness and am really happy I am going on holiday so short term things are good apart from as ever with work, but that *should* let up in a few weeks.

romance wise, well now I am over the ex (and I am its great! yes I know it took a while, but I didn't want there to be any regrets) I am seeing opportunties everywhere, its fab - guy at work, a couple of guys on a dating website, men in the street!!!! :rotfl:I swear it is something to do with Summer being around the corner. sighs.

I do feel things are changing for me. Today - the staying home instead of spending another day at work feeling dreadful was a real sign for me that I am changing, that I do truthfully want this horrible work millstone gone. I know I stayed as a reaction to losing my Dad, I wanted to keep as much as possible the same and had we not lost him I am sure I would have left.

anyhow I can't go back and change that now. I have to work with what I have got. Which is a job which I am fairly good at that involves working in a place where no one is trusted and everyone has an agenda. And will use you/drop you in it at a moments notice.

Why do I worry so much?

1. I don't like to see things done so badly and unfairly and be powerless to act

2. I am behind in my work. there I said it. I very much doubt there is a teacher anywere who isn't - it is the nature of the job. BUT I know if I am honest I am more behind then most.

Of all the things I have learnt and forgotten over my time here that is the one thing I am never able to crack.

I have learnt

1. I can pay off debts.
2. I can if am motivated exercise and enjoy in it - I love walking and know I will lose weight etc when my head is really there.
3. I can handle things with Mum better
4. I am a decent teacher (although not always)
5. I can get things done (like the gardening and my filing both in a much better state at the moment)
6. I am very lucky in general
7. I know that I need to go with my gut about things. for example the ex, logically I should have kicked him to the kerb years ago, but I really needed to be sure I gave him every chance and I feel sort of peaceful about it all (God that sounds naff!!)
8. I think I am finally learning that things take time, REALLY sometimes a LONG flipping time!! you do feel different and you do change.

But this work thing still eludes me............ so that as well as the deposit will be part of the next challenge. I am unsure yet whether to push myself about the weight loss. It does make me unhappy and the prospect of a new man on the horizon is motivating! but we shall see.

feeling rough again. ugh finish this later

xxx

RosaBernicia

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

7. I know that I need to go with my gut about things. for example the ex, logically I should have kicked him to the kerb years ago, but I really needed to be sure I gave him every chance and I feel sort of peaceful about it all (God that sounds naff!!)
8. I think I am finally learning that things take time, REALLY sometimes a LONG flipping time!! you do feel different and you do change.

Hi Buffy

Re. the ex I absolutely get it - I am the same. I have never really been capable of half measures in this area, if someone is important enough for me to want to be with them then I will make every effort I can (um and I am somewhat stubborn). But you're right that once you have done everything, you can leave it in peace. Now you have a clear space in your life and a clear heart too... ready for those opportunities... :j

Rosa xx

youareallhelpingme

Hi Buffy, I am still around and reading although manically busy but I just wanted to say how far you have come when you look at that list.

Work wise it is the place you work that is the problem not you. In the past I worked for a massive UK firm, I had an awful time in one dept and in the end they dumped me to a 6 week secondment to another area. I think they thought it would make me leave. You would never have imaged we were working for the same firm, this was so much more upbeat, youthful, friendly - you get my drift? Once you are debt free you need to take a chance to reassess the job before anything else.

Plus did you see the article on btinternets home page about how buying is no longer the best thing to do. A £200k house costs £350k to buy with interest (i loved the comment that even wonga dont charge that much interest!). if something breaks you have to pay for it. to move costs a fortune and can take ages to sell. you are taxed when you buy and taxed when you sell.

Something to ponder................. x

sammy115

can't sleep..i have a hangover..
Not posted for a long time.....but here i am

You have come so far and i have to say at 35 its not too late to have the life you wanted. You just need to know what you want and then go get it.

One frog at a time

you are right...change comes over time. We have learnt so many bad habits that to change them takes doing different things repeatedly until we have reprogrammed our minds.

Have emailed you something.....

and you never know you might end up with a TT boy. x

Buffythedebtslayer

I love my friends thank you guys xxx

In other news I am looking for serious advice.

I am having serious issues with my sister. We have this kind of fake relationship - I do love her but don't remotely understand her. The issue - which will seem daft once written down but here we go! Mum has always wanted a nice garden that she can sit in and enjoy. They (sis and Bf) are the gardeners and I am treated like the village idiot. any how they haven't ever made much difference to the garden until I finally got sick of it and did a few things, the minute I do something they have to do something too despite having years to have have done the whole bloody thing. any how as you may be aware (have talked about this LOADS On here) this makes me very ANGRY.

I am talking seriously angry break things and stamp my feet mad.

I know this will not change. I know Mum will always see her as pretty much perfect and I am the messed up one who has feelings and shows them, as soon as there is any emotion Mum shuts down. there is and never has been any discussion - sometimes but not often I guess to be fair, but it ALWAYS involves me taking a risk being vunerable and saying how I feel. and then her either comforting me or telling me I am being stupid and where do I get these ideas from etc.

there is not much of a resolution.

any how I know this thing with my sister is tit for tat, I clear something and then she does, she plays all sorts of games and always has... I should be happy she is finally contributing but it makes me so mad when i think about her here with Mum, I am jealous in part, i work two jobs, she doesn't work, I have 0 time and she has loads, she gets to do the fun stuff with Mum, I get all the practical stuff and sometimes feel the responsibility a fair bit, I mean Mum isn't incapable but she is forgetful and gets stressed by change - my sis sees none of this.... I also think it is a bit ridiculous that she "plays" if you see what I mean, she could sort mums garden in a week!!!!!! but NEVER HAS. it always comes down to me. And each time I suggest something there is an element of one upmanship that is in one sense ridiculous and in the other gets me SO mad.

TO be honest all of the above is irrevelvant I just need to know how to deal with this so I am not a buzzing heap of resentment, I think in 1/2 term finishing the clear out will help, ie I will have done what I set out to do without them interfering and then once I drive I can do more stuff anyway.

I also think I would love just to be honest with mum and say look I am sorry I love her but honestly don't get her and don't want anything to do with her. but that would kill Mum. really.

so how do I let go? I hate feeling like this.

xxx

urg123

Morning Buffy,

I Could really feel the stress about the situation and it must be so hard to feel that away and to know your mum prefers one sister than another.

I seem to remember you have a sister overseas - does she have a better r'ship with sister and can she get involved? or even give you advice about how to handle your sis?

My suggestion would be to get her to put up or shut up. Put forward a plan for making the garden nice for mum and ask if she and her OH can do parts so that it is finished by a certain date. Hopefully their one uPmanship will come into place and they will do more!

My other suggestion would be to challenge her to meet her previous promises and get on with it - I would be too chicken though!

Not sure I've even helped!

Urg x x

Lula-Hula

Good morning my lovely,

I am by no means 'qualified' to help you find a way to deal with this horrible situation, but I have experienced the inequalities of sibling input after the loss of a parent, & am still experiencing the inequality of parental reward/regard/approval.

In short, if you are the one who does all the considering & thinking about how things may affect others, then it sucks.

I had huge amounts of anger & resentment & very occasionally still do. One of my siblings was forever being excused from 'duties' by the simple fact of having a husband :eek::mad:. Apparently this means that siblings very existence was more valid than my own & for her to prioritise her husband over family responsibility was actually more important/worthy etc than for me to prioritise my DDs.

I actually went along with this patriarchal, sexist bullsh!t for quite some time, until I met with a counsellor who in just a few sessions helped to start to rebuild my self esteem, feelings of self worth & validity as human being & laid the foundations for my own realisation that actually neither of my parents were perfect, nor were my siblings & that actually I was the keyholder to my future happiness.

You cannot control another person s actions, nor how they are perceived by others.

You can however, control how you react to this & also choose whether to continue to feel aggrieved or to learn to remove yourself from the situation or 'let go'.

Maybe you could open yourself up to the possiblity that to have someone impartial to speak to, about how angry you feel, might be helpful & useful ?

I would certainly not hesitate to seek to spend time with a counsellor who could help me to find a way to manage / deal with any issues or events that were causing me such stress & angst again.

It is not a weakness to seek help with managing your healthy & happiness. It is proactive, positive & will bring about rewards that will last a lifetime.

Sorry for going on, I'm not meaning to patronise or lecture you. I truly understand how enraging siblings can be & how hurtful the parents apparent indifference or ignorance is. I know just how awful I used to feel & how it ate away at me & now really, really hate to see someone else suffer in a similar way & just want to offer up my own experiences & show that there may be a way to stop feeling so unhappy.

Thinking of you
xx