Buffy's Adventures at the Post Office......

chevalier

So what day is the virtual party going to be on to celebrate your debt free ness?:beer::D
chev

Buffythedebtslayer

I just think Martyrs are so annoying but I worry that living with Mum I am becoming one. Its partly learned behaviour from her since she is the best at making people feel bad(and partly choice), I do wonder if that is why my sister behaves as if she is unaware of everything because often it is too much to take. the guilt is permament I am sure. I will never have done enough and it wont be right or whatever..

I read a friend's status this morning - she is in a similar position to me -same age, one parent has died and she is living with her Dad, she doesn't work and has a collection of expensive obsessions that she funds with benefits. She has had a horrible time and at first I didn't begrudge her this, however now I work two jobs am effectively (or at least until recently)was the only person with a job in the family pay out a fair amount of money to keep things going have no choice in food/housework stakes, am constantly running from one fire fight to the next in my jobs, worrying about my Mum's health, my job, the kids, the state of Africa, how !!!!! our government is and what the hell is happening with my ex, the house, the garden, the car, my driving lessons...........

any how this status was moaning about how her Dad wasn't helping her with the housework cos he was ill and she was sick. And I just thought hang a minute love, he cashed in his pension to pay off your debts, he watched his beloved wife die and his daughter collapse, he working past retirement so she can carry as usual. I was STUNNED by the selfishness of it all and the fact that she thinks she can't leave her she has to sarcifice her life to stay with him, he works you don't the housework is your !!!!ing problem not HIS! The worst thing in all this ranting is that I do care about her. I mean what will her future be?

its maybe a fair enough point as you read it there but I didn't like the thoughts I had afterwards, I feel I am martyring myself a bit, oh woe is me I am here suffering for my debts and my father's death, my sisters won't help so I have to do everything....etc

And I don't, I went over this, it is my choice, I could move out, I can afford to rent, either off a friend or through a landlord , it wouldn't be perfect (would had to have held off the debt paying and meant I was nable to help family) but it would be better then this in some ways. I won't because I would worry about Mum too much - her health, the house(the heating etc) the food situation and especially the money situation - although I have no proof I *think* she gave my other sister a fair amount of money and I don't want her remaining years to spent watching every penny- she has worked bloody hard all her life and I cannot bring my father back for her I can make sure the house is sorted and nice as it can be and that she has as few worries as possible.

I do still have a social life and am nearly out of debt, its hard tho this morning is a case in point - I was meant to be getting on with stuff today but that has been a miserable failure -we normally have a bacon sandwich but I didn't want one, had cereal instead so I could get on which meant Mum didn't have hers and instead of having a relaxed Sunday breakfast she has hoovered and tidied up,done the ironing and was in a right mood about it all sighing and....so we were rude to each other and I went back upstairs. I just have to get on regardless- its like Beanie said if I try to stick to my guns a bit more it would help.The more I give in the more resentment there is. I love my Mum but she is not going to change and I cannot remain frozen in time here.

So

Plan A

Once debt free saving for a deposit asap (holidays and fun stuff put off)

Plan B

Save for dentist and trip to Florida at Christmas and then save for a deposit or simply move in with one of my friends........


I know there are loads of other variations to those, but thems the basics!

I am going to be here at least till the end of the year and it must be better then it has been recently. Been typign for ages and have now no idea what I have written.

Lula-Hula

Hiya lovely,

you are doing so well & the end is in sight with the debt so for what it's worth, I would forge ahead & concentrate on clearing that & just ry to let everything else simmer away in the background for now.

I know exactly where you're coming from with having one surviving parent & less than helpful siblings. I made myself ill by putting myself in that position. Now that I have stepped back, others are doing more, & you know what, even if they aren't I recognise that i deserve to have alife & not be stressed & guilt ridden all the time.

You may well have hit the nail on the head re your sister probably recognising it's more than she can cope with. It may come across as selfish to you when you're feeling that you have to deal with it all, but it's actually self-preservation for her & that's healthy.

You will be here long after your mum has gone ( sorry to be blunt but that's natures way) & I would hate to see someone as kind as you have all the fun & joy crushed out of them by family responsibilty when they were young to such an extent that they are no longer capable of enjoying themself.

Be aware that in spite of many negatives, we are fortunate to live in a country where we do actually have many systems in place to care for our elders. These are what we pay our taxes for.

So, debt & driving first lady. Then big re-assessment of life & what you want, although I think that getting your own place is pretty much essential

Let everything else slide & if it is all getting too much for you then, that's a big clue that perhaps you do need some extra help, whether that be in the form of support counselling or sort term medication just so you can manage everything for now.

Life is out there for you hon so dont worry about the little things for now.

Re- the ex ... I'd move on if I were you & leave him in the past with all the other crapp you're trying to get away from, just my opinion though

Take care & remember Lulas Law : 'F*** OFF, I'm FABULOUS'
xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Thanks Lula xxx

I was looking at flats after I posted, they have come down SO much, I could almost certainly afford to rent near my Mum - a couple of years ago they were 1000 a month, now 700 (and one grotty place 600) I am so surprised and pleased

I haven't done much today at all apart from think and think some more!

However I have this evening to do some stuff. I am overwhelmed with work, my head feels clearer mind you.

List for now

1. Guinea pigs!
2. Fish tanks
3. General room tidying and clothes putting away
4. Conservatory needs a tidy too
5. pack bag for tomorrow.

I will be back xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Discovered that the Guinea Pigs have mites of some description.

yuck eek and one soggy t shirt later I have two clean !!!!ed off guinea pigs. I did think Sophie might go into shock at one point but she is ok now.

just came down to get the hoover.

Can't believe it is six o clock already!

xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Oh God, this next post is going to sound really mean

Just been on Fb and one my friends is pregnant. I should say another one, plus 3 people at work. And I know this sounds mad but it makes me feel firstly happy for them but then really honestly, when is it going to happen for me? what do I do wrong with men? why aren't with someone? And don't say its because of the ex, he has hardly been around the last two years and I joined websites and all that jazz, just met weirdos I am getting too old for this. Soon I will have to make a choice kids or no kids.

OH my GOD I am so SINGLE!

Normal service will be resumed shortly I promise, just needed to have the out burst. And please don't mention it on FB cos no one knows officially.

GeorgeUK

Hi Buffy - glad you got some R&R on holiday.

I was a little taken aback by what you posted earlier about your friend. Not sure if there is a crossover with what you were saying about your mother earlier, but it sounded to me like you were trying to apologise and be down on yourself for having an opinion. Just because you do not agree with someone or the way they act does not mean you should feel guilty about it.

Your friend may not be able to see the wood for the trees - she is looking at what is going on in her life and can't see a way out of it. She may not have even thought about how circumstances and her behaviour has affected her father. He's always been there to catch her - some people don't think that their parents may need the same support that they do. It just doesn't cross their mind. This doesn't make them bad people, just a little blinkered.

Okay, so March is the DFD? Can you be more specific so we can have a countdown? (And does this include the amount on the 0% card)

I know living with your mum can be tough. I am not in quite the same position as less is expected of me and i try to fade into the background (which is also not good). You need to take care of your own needs first though Buffy. If you save for a deposit and move out - would you mum cope? I'm pretty sure she would be able to especially as you would probably be visiting and calling her all the time. If you stayed where you are, would she become more dependant on you? I think that is quite likely and would not be good for either of you.

I know i'm commenting as an outsider looking in with very limited information, but it may do you both good to get your independence back and you would probably appreciate each other more too. I just hope you can manage this without putting a guilt trip on yourself. You deserve to be happy and i hope you'll soon be able to plan for the future without feeling restrained.

Buffythedebtslayer

Hey George xxxx

End of loan will HOPEFULLY be the end of May and the 0% depends on the e bay sales and my ablity to get off my bum make some extra money. I am figuring june now i have had a proper look at the figures.

I will move out, I have to.

cheers hon xxx

GeorgeUK

If you don't look after yourself, you'll be in no condition to look after others.

By all means try to get the debt gone asap, but don't put extra pressure on yourself to do it. More pressure is not what you need - even after Disneyland (I'm not jealous )

Shoe_Gal

Buffy - fab post from Lula and George, nothing to add really except to agree that you need to move out!
Take care of you :A