Buffy's Adventures at the Post Office......

Butti

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I just have to get on regardless- its like Beanie said if I try to stick to my guns a bit more it would help.The more I give in the more resentment there is. I love my Mum but she is not going to change and I cannot remain frozen in time here.

I hope you don't mind me starting with this Buffy. This is the core I think. When you move back home you always seem to move back a bit into the relationships you had during your childhood. I did when I was living with my dad. It always makes life that bit more difficult and stops you from moving on.

I just think Martyrs are so annoying but I worry that living with Mum I am becoming one. Its partly learned behaviour from her since she is the best at making people feel bad(and partly choice), I do wonder if that is why my sister behaves as if she is unaware of everything because often it is too much to take. the guilt is permament I am sure.

There will be anger in this situation on both sides and nobody feels able to express it directly so it comes out in sarcasm and behaving like a martyr. It would be very difficult to completely suppress this, and probably not healthy.

I now I work two jobs am effectively (or at least until recently)was the only person with a job in the family pay out a fair amount of money to keep things going have no choice in food/housework stakes, am constantly running from one fire fight to the next in my jobs, worrying about my Mum's health, my job, the kids, the state of Africa, how !!!!! our government is and what the hell is happening with my ex, the house, the garden, the car, my driving lessons...........

Maybe you need some yoga and CBT. Something to help you regain some control in some areas and some peace in others. Mind you I think we're all getting angry about the gov't.

I won't because I would worry about Mum too much - her health, the house(the heating etc) the food situation and especially the money situation

You could move out before you planned. You will still be around for your mother. See how she copes with a bit of prompting, you might be surprised.

Finally about your friend being pregnant. I think that is really common - feeling like that. I am single and 43, and my friend (same age) is pregnant with her second. Most of me is really pleased for her, part of me thinks it is typical because she really has lived a charmed life and lands on her feet consistantly. Another friend said this to me too so I know it isn't just me, and yes I feel bad for the slight resentment towards her.


Take care of you and hope you don't mind me barging in with advice.

B x

Buffythedebtslayer

Morning folks

Thank you and hugs Butti xxxxxx


Just a quickie before I go to work (I wish)

Am feeling better this morning. This week is going to be stressful but I should be ok. Just go to stick to my guns right?

thanks for everything folks

Buffy xxx

chevalier

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I just think Martyrs are so annoying but I worry that living with Mum I am becoming one. No because a martyr wouldn't stay when she had the opportunity to leave.

Its partly learned behaviour from her since she is the best at making people feel bad(and partly choice), I do wonder if that is why my sister behaves as if she is unaware of everything because often it is too much to take. No I think your sister is a lazy cow, who takes advantages of you and then blames you when you dont' do things her way, even when she has never told you how to do something. Ie you were worried about your mum's health and you were 'interfering' not being concerned. I bet you never said to her, right you see to mum's health needs now. I will step back. Or if you did then you saw her back pedal so fast it was untrue...

the guilt is permament I am sure. I will never have done enough and it wont be right or whatever.. you are allowing her to make you feel guilty. This is not ok. YOu have the power to let her situation be her problem. She has a problem with willfully not understanding your need to eat healthily for example. That is why she buys crap food, that you then feel obliged to eat. She sabotages your weight loss in this way. Why Maybe because she thinks if you remain overweight, you will not get a partner so will HAVE to stay at home with her.

I read a friend's status this morning - she is in a similar position to me -same age, one parent has died and she is living with her Dad, she doesn't work and has a collection of expensive obsessions that she funds with benefits. No she isn't anything like you, the only thing that is the same is that you live with a parent. No matter what your family thinks you don't sponge off your mum....YOu have done lots round the house and garden. And in fact you have more of a problem with your mum letting you tidy up than the other way round.

The worst thing in all this ranting is that I do care about her. I mean what will her future be? What she chooses, just like you will choose yours. As long as you don't sabotage yourself.

And I don't, I went over this, it is my choice, I could move out, I can afford to rent, either off a friend or through a landlord , it wouldn't be perfect (would had to have held off the debt paying and meant I was nable to help family) but it would be better then this in some ways. Yes it would have been, but back then you were being bullied into submission by family dynamics only you didn't understand. Now you do understand what is going on and you quite right resent it. By the way you renting and not being able to help out family with money, is actually what most people do. So that makes you better than her.

I won't because I would worry about Mum too much - her health, the house(the heating etc) the food situation and especially the money situation - although I have no proof I *think* she gave my other sister a fair amount of money and I don't want her remaining years to spent watching every penny- she has worked bloody hard all her life and I cannot bring my father back for her I can make sure the house is sorted and nice as it can be and that she has as few worries as possible. And maybe she is just playing you. It is another way of keeping you close.

I do still have a social life and am nearly out of debt, its hard tho this morning is a case in point - I was meant to be getting on with stuff today but that has been a miserable failure -we normally have a bacon sandwich but I didn't want one, had cereal instead which is healthy and what you 'should' be eatingso I could get on

which meant Mum didn't have hers NO she chose not to have one, because it is a way of making you feel bad. WORKED DIDN'T IT and instead of having a relaxed Sunday breakfast she has hoovered and tidied up,done the ironing and was in a right mood about it all sighing and....so we were rude to each other and I went back upstairs. Have you noticed how her behaviour is getting worse? I wonder if this is due to you nearly being debt free. So she is guilting you everytime she can, to make you stay cos she is petrified of the change that is about to happen. Old people don't like change.....

I just have to get on regardless- its like Beanie said if I try to stick to my guns a bit more it would help.The more I give in the more resentment there is. I love my Mum but she is not going to change and I cannot remain frozen in time here.

So

Plan A

Once debt free saving for a deposit asap (holidays and fun stuff put off)

Plan B

Save for dentist and trip to Florida at Christmas and then save for a deposit or simply move in with one of my friends........

I know there are loads of other variations to those, but thems the basics!

I am going to be here at least till the end of the year and it must be better then it has been recently. Been typign for ages and have now no idea what I have written.

I would go for option B save for the dentist (will increase your self esteem, if you aren't in pain, feel horrible about your mouth), save for a trip to Floriday - is that where your sister is? Or better still save for a trip to Florida and LOOK FOR A JOB. you don't owe your mum anything now. Let your other sister take the strain for a couple of years!

You are being so bowed down with all of this stress. I mean it isn't just one thing is it. There is your mum, work, your HEALTH GO SEE A DOCTOR GIRL, just for starters. I don't think you are a martyr at all. I think you are justly resentful of the crap hand that you have been given at the moment.

But you have to remember that you only have 3 months or so to go before YOU CAN CHOOSE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

You can choose where you want to live - and why are you limiting your choice of area to 'somewhere close to mum'. Your dream job may be 300 miles away or even in another country. DON'T SABOTAGE YOUR FUTURE by automatically assuming you HAVE to stay by your mum when you move out. Because then what you will get is 'why are you moving out, your are only up the road, you might as well stay here'. You KNOW this is what she will say, and she will guilt you and guilt you and guilt you until either you explode and walk out never to see her again, or until you give in, and continue being resentful.

So make sure you look everywhere for the next job (shouldn't you be doing that now so that you can be in place for the summer term?). Not doing this is self sabotage.....

And now I will get my coat....
sorry Buffy. But you know I never want you to sell yourself short or limit yourself. It isn't just a change of financial status, it is a change in mental status that is coming too.

chev

youareallhelpingme

A brilliant, well thought out post Chev.

Buffy - I would read and print it out, this is one to keep, some of it may hurt to read right now but it makes sense. x

Shoe_Gal

youareallhelpingme wrote: »

A brilliant, well thought out post Chev.

Buffy - I would read and print it out, this is one to keep, some of it may hurt to read right now but it makes sense. x

Seconded - amazing post :A

boredofbeingathome

Brill post Chev. I think the advice is well thought out. Buffy you are brilliant and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. If my children cared for me in the same way that you care for your mum, then i would consider myself truly blessed. If i was your mum, i would be encouraging you to move out and get on with your life..i keep telling mine to do so

katsu

*hugs* Buffy - some great advice from Chev and Butti.

My parents are both disabled so I can empathise on the guilty feelings/being needed but you have to do what is right for you and lead your own life, not a shadow of your mum's wishes.

Buffythedebtslayer

Thanks guys, especially Chev xx that must have taken some time!!!

I always feel uncomfortable talking about my Mum, very disloyal to be honest. She is an excellent Mum and a very good person. It would ruin our relationship if she ever found this diary. For the record, I don't think she does sabotage me at all, she doesn't have it in her to be so mean, I think the major problem is that I give in (hence martyr) too much because I am too tired to fight and then on a weekend when I have a bit more energy I get irrational (and it is irrational) about it all! She is lovely consistently and yes controlling to some extent I guess, but I go along with it. If i asked her straight (and I have) she is keen for me to move out and have a life. She doesn't know anything about the debt at all, I pay the going rate for rent and have paid for house stuff,her behaviour isn't getting worse I think I know there are changes coming (my birthday, debt free, friends having kids) and I am accutely aware of how my life hasn't changed, it is beginning to scare me.......Lets get debt free and go from there..


Any how I had a good day at work, no !!!!!! e mails or comments, kids v good, bit worried about the amount of marking to do tonight but will go sit in the conservatory in a minute. God its a mess. But that is for another night!

40 books, check off coursework and stare meaningfully at the pile of resources that need filing..........................

thanks again I appreciate your thoughts and kindness

Love Buffy
xxx

Butti

Buffythedebtslayer wrote: »

I always feel uncomfortable talking about my Mum, very disloyal to be honest. She is an excellent Mum and a very good person.

I think it's always difficult because any criticism always feels disloyal even if there is an element of truth it in.

I went for a counselling session a few years after the death of my mother, with the spendaholics / freaky eaters guy off the telly Benjamin Fry. Now if you asked anyone who knew my mother they would describe her as an excellent nurse, funny, kind, diplomatic, gentle, loyal, reassuring - you get the picture - Mother Theresa, but better at golf. He suggested I was angry at my mother for not protecting me from my father. I couldn't believe what the hell he was saying at the time, but you know he was right.

So although you find it disloyal and difficult, this is your anonymous place to state it, just like its my place to say I had a fantastic kind funny and lovely mother but in some ways she let me down.

You just keep going Buffy. You're doing pretty well.

B x

Buffythedebtslayer

Thanks again Butti xxxxxxxxx

ermmmmm

Panicking slightly about self employed tax. I did n't in fact haven't returned any tax returns for 3 years now, was an Avon rep but never made any money so stopped after about 2 years. then got told I had to register so I did,

Is there a board that will help me? I got stuck cos I didn't have myP60. And now I am a bit scared cos I got a letter.....

xxxx