Dirty's hoping it's not too late to mend her ways......

dirtyepic

Tuesday 01.02.11

Hi diary!

What an unexpectedly rubbish weekend I have had.

And yesterday, my Monday, was also not very nice.

I usually can cope with a Monday these days because I go to see my counsellor from 12-1pm and I am allowed to work from home all day.

I like to work all morning, go to the session then go for a walk around the park, take photos and collect my thoughts about the previous hour and the forthcoming week. Then return home and crack on with my work. Which I usually work until later than I do at the office because I just don't mind. Usually!

Yesterday was a disaster. I worked till the session, went to the session and it was as if the previous few brilliant weeks hadn't even happened. I feel so down that I am back to this position. We were talking, last week, about winding down the sessions as I feel that I have achieved moreorless what I set out to achieve, I am able to handle situations, thoughts and emotions but it doesn't look like it.

She has recommended another 6 sessions. This is a massive set back to me. I actually almost started to cry and she noticed this and asked if I was okay and I just blurted out that this is really upsetting. I can understand that people who have had severe and traumatic experiences throughout their lives may need this level of support and counselling and my issues seem so trivial but she said that I have been suffering from depression for almost 20 years and that it could take a long time to deal with this. We have achieved a lot, my anxiety appears to be under control and most of the time I can deal with situations and events but not since the middle of last week.

I also told her that on Sunday there were a few of us out celebrating a friends birthday, Sunday dinner, nice pub. There were only 6 of us out, including my lush husband, my nice sister, her fiance, my oldest friend and her boyfriend, he's been a pal since 1993. So close and intimate group of pals enjoying a lovely easy Sunday afternoon. Before I had even finished my second drink I began to get all uncomfortable again and felt hot and sweaty although my face and neck was quite cold. I said to my husband that I wanted to go home and I was quite happy to go alone but he joined me and so we left. I was absolutely drained of energy and upset that this stupid thing occurred again. Its so flippin unfair. All I wanted to do was go home and lock the door and be in my own company. Just to point out that noone made me feel uncomfortable, nothing was said and nothing had been done to upset me. It just happened.

So maybe my anxiety issues are returning. I am not going to think of future events because if I worry beforehand it will definitely happen so if I don't worry beforehand there is a good chance that it mightn't happen.

A good thing though, that it has happened just now. Not after we have finished the counselling.

It looks like certain recent events and situations aren't helping matters much but who knows, only time will tell.

Poor Baldy is worried about me again. I hate that, sometimes I feel that me being miserable and trying to deal with it alone isn't sufficient.

So, I think I will now reduce my list of things to do, it's got to be quite boring for people who might read this and I know that I usually just skip past some of the items. Here it is, newer, sleeker 'to do list'!!

Okay its now Tuesday 16:55 and I am feeling quite okay. No rubbish thoughts or feeling, listening to my radio and Steve Lamacq is dishing up some good tunes this afternoon. Also had a fb update from the Glastonbury Festival explaining how Shangri La is shaping up for this year. So a tad excited there then.

Off to Makro tonight for the essentials of chicken, bacon, cat food and washing liquid. Ooh the excitement eh? Hoping to get back home in time for Boardwalk Empire starting on Sky. Been looking forward to this programme for a while. Also The Sopranos is starting again, from the beginning and also Mad Men (I think its on BBC2 from the beginning and I haven't seen it so that will be sky+ed) Really I know its quite a sad thing to look forward to TV programmes but I am!! If my social skills are suffering at the moment I don't suppose hibernating and watching dozens of US series' is going to help much!

Right, on this slightly positive note I will sign off.

(week start 3101.11)
The usual
NSD
£5 a day -
PAD M/T/W/T/F/S/S - b/c
check bank account T/
check b/c
check n/w
update snowball
update signature
sealed pot
keep up with diaries
review my 50 day challenge
make thank you cards (design already decided just get it toshed up on the mac)
post the bl***y DVDs that I have copied
13.92% debt paid to date (14.10.10-25.01.11)
daily do something nice -
S: bath with Keef Richards book
M: walk in the park
T: Pret breakfast
W:
Th:
F:
S:
house things to complete -
bookcase
front door
back bedroom (to start again when book case is fitted)
daily health kick! (note: there are a total of 97 stairs to my office and I count a return journey as '1')
S: walk to pub!
M: walk around the park and walk to dads
T: 2L water/stairs x4
W:
T:
F:
S:
daily photo diary:
S: space invader graffiti in Gateshead Metro Station
M: cow detail on front of old butchers shop in Jarrow
T: Stunning statue on front of Newcastle Civic Centre with beautiful blue sky as background
W:
T:
F:
Must remember and remind myself at all opportunities! -
I give myself permission to be who I want to be
I WILL get rid of the fear of rejection
ALSO
The sun is above the clouds

T
x

dirtyepic

Well this system of typing up my diary then copying over before I leave work just isn't working is it? Only gone and forgotten again. Grrrr! Well it mustn't've meant to have happened.

Day has been extremely busy and so will tomorrow (travelling to the northwest to deliver 4 training sessions) and then Friday morning too (2 more sessions in newcastle) and catching up with being away! Looking forward to the weekend!

Might have time to update properly later but my priorities are playing with typefaces and using some creativeness to create something!!

No bad news and no new news!!

Cannot grumble then can I??

Dirtyepic

dirtyepic

Friday 040211

I don't believe that this is the end of another long and awful week.
I don't know what to do to resolve this one apart from look for another job. Unfortunately I don't think I am ready to sit in an interview situation though.

I have just had a really heated discussion with the manager. He is able to twist any comment to make him look right and anyone else look wrong. He spoke over me on so many occasions I, yet again, decided to not look him in the eye.

I think I had better explain.

My role involves travelling to various locations throughout England. There used to be two of us with certain locations assigned to us.
Early on last year there was a fortnight of various travelling I had to undertake which involved journeys to Bristol, London, the Midlands and the North West. Using hire cars, trains and one flight.

Following this I suffered a period of absence from work (it was four weeks) with an extremely bad back. This was caused by the lack of room and the inability to change my posture during these journeys. I wasn't aware of this until the beginning of the following week when I eventually sent myself to the doctor who signed me off on the sick with some strong painkillers (completely spaced out, I had to request alternatives) and a referral to a physio. This was going to take weeks so during my second week and my first week of being able to stand up I was recommended a private physio. This helped in the short term but my continual visits to the NHS physio helped me considerably. I have been continuing my back exercises ever since and have since been supplied an excellent chair at work which lets me stretch back and gives tremendous support and also the seat pad tilts so this enables me to change my posture all of the time.

November 2010, my colleague left the job and we are not employing a replacement. My manager said "you won't be expected to do two person's work". He has since said that he will be dealing with two of her locations (she visited them both a total of 3 times in 18 months) and I will be given her other location which she visited either once or twice a month over 18 months, this is in Lancashire. I have been advised that I won't be expected to visit as often as that. I think I drew the short straw there, even though I had no say in the matter.

Now fast forward to 03.02.2011 (yesterday) I undertook my first trip to deliver some training to one of our North West offices which took one hour and I had arranged an informal meeting with a member of staff for around 15mins. The journey there took a little longer than expected and I stopped approximately every hour to get out and stretch my back. necking some painkillers when I arrived. I left the office at 4pm yesterday and was stuck on the M62 for around 3 hours, it took almost 2 hours to travel a 9.1mile stretch of the road. This was due to an articulated lorry catching alight. I returned home at 9.18pm last night after leaving the house at 7am. 9 hours and 40 minutes actually on the road. The remainder of the time in the office.

I had an uncomfortable night last night with my back having to use various pillows again to maintain my posture whilst I slept. 3 pillows strategically placed at various points of my body! And more painkillers.

I have approached my manager today to say that I am worried about my back and the travelling that i will be doing in the future.
I am so cheesed off. His attitude was a 'well what else can I do about it?' 'use public transport', 'use a courier to send training aids to various locations'. You are expected to do the travelling. You haven't done any travelling for months (this is because nobody knows what on earth is going on and how my position is apparently changing). He threw everthing in my face as if he is doing me a favour. He didn't offer to take any of the travelling from me. He spoke over the top of me on numerous occasions. It go to the point again where I didn't look him in the eye and I took notes of his comments. I told him I wanted this conversation 'on the record' as I am concerned about the fact that I have a bad back due to my work and I don't want to take any further time away from work with my back again. I am willing to use public transport and to use the courier to transport my equipment. What Im not willing to do is take on extra travelling because he won't offer to share the workload fairly which he did say he would do when my colleague left.

I know I am jabbering on but I am sick.

I feel like jacking this whole thing in, I feel like blowing all of my wages on getting completely hammered, I feel like I want to go and just screw everything up. Punish myself for allowing myself to get in this state again. I feel like running away. From everything.

I hate being like this. I hate how I haven't got the ability to stick to my guns by saying 'I am not doing it. I cannot allow myself to get into a situation where I may injure my back again.' But no, his well established ability of talking over the top of me, confusing me by talking and changing what was a completely black and white situation into something that is now wish washy grey.

His presence is actually doing my head in.

He is sitting opposite me and I want to scream.

Nothing I say or do actually matters does it? Not even a cog in the workings of this place I think I am actually just the screw attached to the cog.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and I just want to walk.

I feel utterly useless. Because I can't take control of my own life. How flippin rubbish is that?

I have worked so hard the past few days to keep on top of stuff. The stuff he wanted for Tuesday, he hasn't even had a look at yet.
My emotions are so immature, I know that. I don't know how else to deal with this, how to explain or talk about it.

He is probably reading this and to tell the truth I don't care. He has succeeded in taking a once strong young(ish) woman who was quite excited about her future in her new role into a wreck who hasn't even got the confidence to go out and face the world to try and sell herself for a new role in a more dynamic environment. He really is wrecking me.

I am going to walk out of here a bit later on and compose my thoughts. I was going to go to a bar and have a Friday afternoon drink (before all of this happened) because I think you should have something to look forward to at the end of the working week and I never do. Now I don't think I can. I think I will just go for a walk (but its absolutely blowing a gale with a touch of torrential rain thrown in!) I just don't want to go home straightaway to afflict my misery on the poor Bald one!

Right that's it.

I hope I will catch up a bit later with a smile on my face (or maybe not so big a grump!)

dirtyepic

I feel like doing all those things, in reality I won't. These days I am far too level headed and don't want to upset anyone or put myself back to square one. This is how I used to deal with things. I don't anymore, the problem is I don't know how to deal with them.

dirtyepic

Home now, had me tea, bit of a cry and a big cuddle from lovely husband. Apologies for my outburst. Going to crack on with eBay packages now.

beanielou

So sorry that things are so tough at the mo.
Have you got an occupational health nurse at work that you could approach?

little_h_2

oh poor dirtyepic, i'm so sorry to hear you've had such an awful time :mad:

but I am really glad your hubby has been supportive and you have been able to ask for his support. I know from what you have said before that he doesn't like you talking about work at home, but this is serious stuff that you need some support with, you cannot do this on your own. Make sure you scream and cry and howl if necessary to release some of the frustration (you can do the howling on your own ), I find this really helps, if the tears are coming, really make the most of them!

Your boss's actions strike me as those of someone who is probably scared and defensive of his own position. He may well be very stressed as well and feeling the pressure of cuts and worrying about his own job. For all you know he may be massively in debt! But these do not give him any right to belittle you or talk over you. He may not realise he is doing it, but it sounds a bit bully-ish to me

I hope you can enjoy some nice relaxing things over the weekend. Gather your thoughts after you have chilled out a bit, and maybe pop and have a chat with someone friendly from your HR department if you have such a thing in your building. If not, request a phone meeting or whatever you want to call it. I think you are right to make notes of what has been said (on both sides), just so that when you have calmed down, you don't brush anything under the carpet in your head, or forget anything important at a later date.

Most importantly, you are not defined by your job!!!! (thank goodness!) Having been in an immensely stressful job before, while trying to cope with a divorce, I know that it can stop you seeing the wood from the trees and you can be totally consumed by all things work. You have worked so hard to see through all that, so don't stop now!

Plus, if you are able, I would lean towards having a nice inexpensive treat to cheer yourself up. You managed to avoid giving in and blowing all your cash/getting wasted. But, there is nothing wrong with spending a little money on something lovely for yourself if its within your means (I need to listen to myself here!). A book about creative spirit or something maybe?

(and sorry if I am sounding bossy, I'm sure you know all this already and you probably don't need telling what to do!)

thinking of you and hoping you are ok xxx

dirtyepic

Does anyone have any spare motivation or energy that they can throw my way?

beanielou

None here either Im afraid.

dirtyepic

beanielou wrote: »

So sorry that things are so tough at the mo.
Have you got an occupational health nurse at work that you could approach?

Hi beanielou, thanks for your reply. No we don't have an occupational health nurse at work. We do have an HR department upstairs (which, believe it or not, our small department is actually part of!) and I really think I should speak to them about my situation even though my boss doesn't like them, trust them or wants much to do with them.

Gathering my thoughts at the moment, whilst the dust is settling!

oh poor dirtyepic, i'm so sorry to hear you've had such an awful time :mad:

but I am really glad your hubby has been supportive and you have been able to ask for his support. I know from what you have said before that he doesn't like you talking about work at home, but this is serious stuff that you need some support with, you cannot do this on your own. Make sure you scream and cry and howl if necessary to release some of the frustration (you can do the howling on your own ), I find this really helps, if the tears are coming, really make the most of them!

Your boss's actions strike me as those of someone who is probably scared and defensive of his own position. He may well be very stressed as well and feeling the pressure of cuts and worrying about his own job. For all you know he may be massively in debt! But these do not give him any right to belittle you or talk over you. He may not realise he is doing it, but it sounds a bit bully-ish to me

I hope you can enjoy some nice relaxing things over the weekend. Gather your thoughts after you have chilled out a bit, and maybe pop and have a chat with someone friendly from your HR department if you have such a thing in your building. If not, request a phone meeting or whatever you want to call it. I think you are right to make notes of what has been said (on both sides), just so that when you have calmed down, you don't brush anything under the carpet in your head, or forget anything important at a later date.

Most importantly, you are not defined by your job!!!! (thank goodness!) Having been in an immensely stressful job before, while trying to cope with a divorce, I know that it can stop you seeing the wood from the trees and you can be totally consumed by all things work. You have worked so hard to see through all that, so don't stop now!

Plus, if you are able, I would lean towards having a nice inexpensive treat to cheer yourself up. You managed to avoid giving in and blowing all your cash/getting wasted. But, there is nothing wrong with spending a little money on something lovely for yourself if its within your means (I need to listen to myself here!). A book about creative spirit or something maybe?

(and sorry if I am sounding bossy, I'm sure you know all this already and you probably don't need telling what to do!)

thinking of you and hoping you are ok xxx ?

Hi little_h!
Thanks so much for your reply.

I know I am a bit 'all over the place' at the moment and my head is a bit fluffed up. I took your advice of a good cry and it lasted for Friday, part of Saturday and the majority of Sunday.

I am feeling a lot better today. You are right, I am not defined by my job and after spoiling another weekend for myself and also Baldy and even my sister my only option is to get out. Quickly! We all know that that is easier said than done so I am not going to be negative about it by considering all the difficult and bad things about job hunting. Instead I will have to psych myself up to get myself prepared for the whole process.

I had another session of counselling today and it was really good. I had a couple of flitting thoughts about not going today because I couldn't see any improvement or results from the past couple of weeks (due to recurring work issues) but after turning up and chatting and learning we have noticed that there are lots of small yet significant changes happening and it's not until we start to talk about them that we actually realising they are happening. So I left that session feeling good about myself again (first time in ages). This counselling is such hard work for me, imagine how hard it is for the counsellor!

Funnily enough I slept really well over the weekend and got a fair bit done. Probably because I was preferring my own company again so I feel quite refreshed this morning to crack open another rivetting week here!!

My purse won't really allow me to treat myself just now but we did receive a gift card as compensation for the terrible customer service we received whilst awaiting the fitting of our stair carpet. So we have decided to share it - £25 each! So that's a treat and I am heading back to the MAC counter to splash out on some foundation!

No way are you bossy and it's always nice to receive good advice because as you said, we can't always see the wood for the trees. I tend to forget all about the bigger picture and get so caught up in my own little world and bring people down by not being able to control my emotions (about flippin work!) so all advice is so very much appreciated!

Hope you are okay and sorting things out at your end. I do keep popping over to catch up with your diary.



So today's diary entry...........

Monday 07.02.11

Diary, Hi!

Right! (quick burst of positivity)

Let's try again. Let's start another week with the knowledge that I leave here every night and go back to a lovely home where I can be myself and not be bothered about anyone or anything in the outside world if I care not to!

I have just re-read my Friday 'episode' and thought that I might feel a bit embarrassed for another outburst but I don't.

It started the weekend and it carried on throughout the weekend. I took the advice of little_h and cried till it got out of my system.

I mean I know that getting upset doesn't make the root cause disappear but sometimes emotions have to be faced and I faced them. Unfortunately I involved too many people in this. My sister (the nice one) was brought into it because I have felt that she has been a bit distant from me for a while. Had an uncomfortable conversation (again) on the phone, ended in tears, apologised via text and told her to forget it all!

Anyway the conversation went on for 38 minutes I ended up in tears, driving to collect my husband, in tears, walked through flippin Asda in tears.

So now, it's got me thinking. This work situation is affecting my relationship with my husband, my sister, probably my friends (that's probably why they don't want to talk to me or invite me to places) and most of all my health. It's affecting me during work and outside of work.

So what to do?

Yep, get another job and because that's so flippin easy - problem solved.

If only. It's going to be a challenge but I am going to have to start.
I am also going to have a chat with someone in HR (another piece of sensible advice) even though I know they won't be able to do anything about my situation, I think they ought to know about it.

I NEED INSPIRATION. I AM VOID OF INSPIRATION.

But must crack on with my work. I am not working from home this morning before my counselling session because I told the boss that I have nothing that I can do from home. Grrrrrrrr!!!!

14.15

Returned to the office after my counselling session which went very well. I haven't had the chance to sit and think about what we discussed and achieved because I had to return to work and 'he who is controlling' has only spoken to me twice since returning, both times about the wind and the rain outside! Ho hum - a long afternoon ahead methinks! Do I feel an atmosphere in our office.
Well the tunes on 6music are helping me forget it. Yippee!

I have updated my snowball and just realised that I should be paying different amounts every month! hahahahaha!! So now I will have to manually pay my credit cards each month but that will at least keep me on my toes! Still doing really well. Feeling good about that, at least.

Just awaiting decision about my pension contributions holiday for the next few months. I have the opportunity to withdraw how much I have paid in so far (because of my short time with my employer) and quite tempted to get that lump sum to pay off a good chunk of my cards then start again from scratch. Or do I just use the money that I pay in every month to rid the cards a bit at a time. £140 per month extra will be a massive help.

So tonight is my weekly ironing/catch up with the soaps night. You know, I actually look forward to and enjoy this.

I love doing anything homely. Lovely Baldy has said tons of times if we could afford for me to pack in work and let me be the homemaker he wouldn't mind going out to work and letting me stay home, but that's never going to happen. My wage counts every bit as much as his. Well until the elusive lottery win anyway!!


ooh, just noticed I haven't had much of an appetite today, had breakfast at about 9.15 then me dinner at about 2.30 (which was a packet of crisps and apple) and now tucking into a chinese appley/pear to tide me over till me tea which will be about 7pm.
I brought in a carton of lovely Covent Garden Soup for me dinner and just wasn't hungry. Maybe I overdone the quality street and wine gums yesterday!

The other night I started to play around with brill new typefaces and familiarise myself with design software and also photoshop and created some nice pieces of 'phrases' which I would love to frame. I saved them as Photoshop's jpgs and brought them to a couple of different photograph printing machines to be printed from my memory stick but they wouldn't print. Grrrrrrr! The not-particularly-helpful advice I was given from two different people as to why it wouldn't print was: it's been renamed/it's on a memory stick/it's got too much to think about/it might be the machine you are trying. So by process of elimination I will get these printed and get some cheapo frames and get them on my wall. Unless any techie people can advise?!!

Just have to get my sewing head on now and get that fabric used up and make nice peg bags and cushions to generate a little bit more money to nibble at the debt.

So let's get back to why I am writing this diary in the first place

(week start 07.02.11)
The usual
NSD
£5 a day S/M/T
PAD M/T/W/T/F/S/S/ - nw
check bank account M/
check b/c Y
check n/w Y
update snowball Y
update signature
sealed pot
keep up with diaries M
review my 50 day challenge
make thank you cards (design already decided just get it toshed up on the mac)

16.2% debt paid to date (14.10.10-07.02.11)
daily do something nice -
S: chilled with baldy watching TV and eating chocolates!
M:
T:
W:
Th:
F:
S:
house things to complete -
bookcase
front door
back bedroom (to start again when book case is fitted)

daily health kick! (note: there are a total of 97 stairs to my office and I count a return journey as '1')
S: NOWT
M: stairs x 2. 2 mile walk after work
T:
W:
T:
F:
S:
daily photo diary:
S: NOTHING
M:
T:
W:
T:
F:

Must remember and remind myself at all opportunities! -
I give myself permission to be who I want to be
I WILL NOT fear rejection
ALSO
The sun is above the clouds

Signing off with a bit of a smile on my face!! Make the most of it - it's not gonna last!!!!

T
x