Dirty's hoping it's not too late to mend her ways......

dirtyepic

03 March 2011

Ups and downs, ups and downs.

This downward thing at the moment is gaining momentum and it's only a work thing (like it was going to be anything else)

Not going to bore with too much detail but I feel that I have to perform and promise to perform more and more yet my manager has managed to work himself out of any additional tasks following the departure of my colleague.

He has now informed me that a member of the admin team of the Learning and Development Team is organising some dates for me to do some training. Only this person was informed of this before me!

It's a feeling of things again getting out of control.

I am totally dreading all of the travelling starting again. He mentioned, yesterday, that he wants me out of the office two days a week. I am to do more travelling than last year yet I have expressed concerns about my back.

I don't know what to do.

I dread my future here.

I have spoke to an member of staff from HR and she advised me to talk to him, put all of my cards on the table and take it from there.

That's what I done a few weeks ago when I returned from an office visit to Bolton and my back was really bad again and it all kicked off.

He just loves to control and I want to tell him to stick his controlling up his more than ample a**e!! hahahahaha!! (I have to resort to childishness to humour myself whilst stuck in this silent soul-less office with him)

Right, let's concentrate on my enjoyment on the music that 6music is playing today.

Count to ten.....

Apart from that everything else is going quite well.

So that really is a good sign isn't it? I have taken stock of the rest of my problems and are dealing with them all but it's this one. I just can't crack it.

Eeh, you should hear the things that i am saying in my head - absolute language from the gutter but it's keeping my mind from the real problem and it's getting me through today!

Right off to finish whatever carp I am paid to do.

T
x

dirtyepic

Must retain motivation. Must get back into it.

jwil

Sorry to hear work is still being rubbish.

Hope you managed to find your motivation!

dirtyepic

Afternoon diary,

WARNING - the first 7 paragraphs of this post aren't that good, positive or uplifting. Its advisable to head straight to the bottom where it picks up quite a lot!

Still at the bottom of a peak! In the office alone and should be really upbeat but just not feeling it today.

I think it maybe because I have no good feelings about this job whatsoever. I can't look forward to anything. Please don't think I am looking for any kind of sympathy because I am not. I am actively looking for a new job and out of the last four I have applied for I was invited to be interviewed so I think that this is a positive sign but I think this job has killed my motivation and i can't remember all the legislation, acops and guidance when seated in an interview situation. if they asked me to demonstrate how or why I would do something that's a doddle!

Anyway, just got to grin and bear it and get on and get the job done because 'I am lucky to have a job' (my motivationally speaking boss's words)

Had my counselling session today and this was raised. I had to comment that I feel I am making so much progress in every other part of my life but I still can't handle coming into this office. Doing the tasks that I now have to do. Dreading the next lot of surprises that the boss with throw my way. The thing is I know that I am the only person that control my life so therefore shouldn't let anyone else do it for me. I kind of crumble at this job, I think it is because it's the job is so confined and so oppresive and he is very unpredictable, unreliable and basically unable to stick to his decisions at all that when i do raise concerns or object to anything he gets his controlling head on and turns a 'black/white' subject into a murky grey and because he talks so much he deviates from the subject and it absolutely grinds me down.

I am actually starting a list of 'turnarounds' that he completed over the past few months to use as evidence if require.

You know, I know he still might be reading these pages, along with everyone else and it has got to the point where I wouldn't mind if he did because then he would see my reasons why I feel the way I feel. I am such a coward but I can't face another confrontational situation when I broached the subject of travelling to him again. 'YOU WILL BE DOING THE TRAVELLING'. I have a record of this also.

Actually I am hoping people have got bored with my diary because I dread to think what anyone might think of me. I want to write down all of the good things that are happening, or even the mediocre things but this flippin thing can't rest - how bl***y annoying!!

Okay let's kind of turn this around towards getting back up that peak!

I have now paid just over 20% of my debt! Yay!!
- That is all going very well indeed. So I am very happy with that.

I have put the washing on the washing line for the first time in 2011 this morning before I left for work!

Nice sister and fiance are coming over for tea tonight.

I have a job.

I have almost 100% good health (well apart from my head being a bit screwed up but that's definitely getting better!)

I love my husband, family, friends, home - actually I love my life but would like to make just the one change please (universe if you are listening I am soooooo ready to change this job!!!)

6music has played Echo and the Bunnymen 'The Cutter' and Kings of Leon 'On Call' in the last hour which have both made me smile.

Now also look how lucky I am for going away this year:
53 sleeps for the Newton Hall 40th Birthday celebrations
107 sleeps till we head to Glastonbury festival
236 sleeps till we go to Florida and behave like kids for almost 2 weeks

Right, following that I do feel better. I have achieved a fair bit, I have a good life - I have fluffed up on numerous occasions but that's all getting put right.

I feel like scrapping the first few paragraphs of this but don't think I should really because I want to have a catalogue of my feelings, emotions, achievements and also when I screw up.

So I am now going to put a warning on the top of this post!!

(week start 07.03.11)

The usual
NSD M/
£5 a day
PAD M/T/W/T/F/S/S - b/c
check bank account M

check b/c
check n/w

[STRIKE]update snowball [/STRIKE]
update signature
sealed pot
review my 50 day challenge
make thank you cards (design already decided just get it toshed up on the mac) get list of email addresses for thank you cards

20.3% debt paid to date (14.10.10-07.03.11)

Must remember and remind myself at all opportunities! -
I give myself permission to be who I want to be
I WILL NOT fear rejection
ALSO
The sun is above the clouds

little_h_2

Hi!

It's your diary, write what you like! I like looking back at mine, even through all the miserable stuff.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things re. the job. If it doesn't go well in the interview, it's not the end of the world, and if they place massive emphasis on skills you aren't naturally attuned to then perhaps it isn't the place for you. A piece of advice I was given is that you are supposed to interview them as well as the other way round

I love your count downs to your fun times ahead! I will borrow this, am dreaming of Italy already and it's not til July!

take it easy and I'm glad you are giving yourself credit for all the other things that are where you want them to be

dirtyepic

08.03.11

Hello Diary and everyone who might be popping in!

Good things of today:
- I have sold two items on ebay for a grand total of £10.08! But just remember - every little helps!
- I have been to my briefing session for Comic Relief night and it looks like I will be manning the phones and taking the donations! I have never worked on the phones before for anything so that should be a bit of a laugh and everyone who was at the briefing were dead enthusiastic and funny with it!

Bad things of today:
- I have to refund an eBay customer in Canada who I think has been trying to pull a fast one since day one! First he bought a magazine from me and then asked why he hadn't received it yet before I even posted it! When I told him how long it would be before he would receive it he asked for his money back. And again. Then he sent me a message saying 'got it, money back plz'
Then he requested the refund again and now I have said that he will be refunded but I still think he has received the item. Now I am concerned that he will give me negative feedback to spoil my 100% excellent customer service record.
- The boss just being in the office!!!

I am having to have words with myself again about being miserable.

I am writing down exactly what I am thinking here to try and get my head around stuff!! Bear with me!

I am getting sick of ebay, most of the time my items are going for 99p, I add 50p per package on top of the postage (whether the package is £10 or £1 because it takes the same amount of effort and materials to package them, to do the paperwork, to go to the PO etc) and some people have commented on the cost of postage. My cheapest postage is £1.46 for first class large letter items and some people charge £2.75 for the same item. So (without charges by Paypal and ebay) I get around £1.49 per item.

I have thought of doing free p&p for UK buyers but I can't get my head around how much I will have to charge and how unfair it will be for international buyers. My items are usually 99p starting and £3.50 buy it now. Say the postage would cost 96p and I was giving free p&p I would have to make it at least 96p (P&P), 50p (addition to postage costs), either 99p starting or £3.50 BIN

£2.50 start and £5.50 BIN?

Then poor international buyers will have to put their postage on top of that??!!

I can't even gauge my international/UK sales because sometimes I have majority European sales then another week tons of US sales then other weeks none at all and all UK sales.

Now I have got that all down and out of my head I might be able to make my mind up and do something this weekend.

But I think I will have to keep up my ebay just to see my through the month with spending money and also to pay dad the £100 I owe him!

Right I have a long walk to do to get my exercise regime stepped up a bit.

I will reply to peeps soon! I am drafting this out at work again and transferring to my thread so I have no idea if anyone has left any messages!!

(week start 07.03.11)

The usual
NSD M/T
£5 a day T
PAD M/T/W/T/F/S/S - b/c
check bank account M

[STRIKE]check b/c
check n/w
[/STRIKE]
update snowball
update signature
sealed pot
review my 50 day challenge
make thank you cards (design already decided just get it toshed up on the mac) get list of email addresses for thank you cards

20.3% debt paid to date (14.10.10-07.03.11)

Must remember and remind myself at all opportunities! -
I give myself permission to be who I want to be
I WILL NOT fear rejection
ALSO
The sun is above the clouds

dirtyepic

10.03.11

Hello Diary

Crikey, Friday's Eve - almost Friday. Yay!!

Had a busy old week so far this week.

Monday- sis came around for tea - which was nice
Tuesday - done a 3.5mile walk in the freezing cold - which was nice, I kid you not!)
Wednesday - met a pal for a few pints after work, so bang went the calorie counting and bang went the walk that I could've done and bang went motivation to do anything when I got home! Had a nice night, a good laugh and 3 bottles of Brothers Pear & Lemon cider (mmmmmmm!)
Thursday - pal popping around and a nice walk (weather permitting)

The boss has kind of dropped himself in it again so it has got me thinking he is either reading this again or snooping around my desk!
He dropped a few comments, during a conversation this morning, about why he has to change things all of the time and it's not his fault it's what goes on throughout the NHS. So I have to just grin and bear it and now that he has explained to me he must think that this lets him off the hook. So my appraisal then? What if I have been unable to achieve all objectives due to 'the ever changing situations throughout the whole of the NHS' - God I hate it here!! So any comments about me not knowing what I should be doing and why he changes the goalposts and contradicts previous requests is all down the NHS and not him!

Anyway on a lighter note, today:
The sun is really bright, the wind is blowing a hooly and there's snow forecast, apparently.
I have lovely honey roast salmon flakes for my dinner today
I hope to get a bit photography revision done today
I am going for a walk tonight
My pal is visiting before heading off to the highlands of Scotland (where he works!)

My debt busting is still plodding along with the £350 per month plus £1 PAD to barclaycard. Baldy had a good chat with me last night and he is wanting me to crack this much quicker than I can so he has been thinking hard.

I owe our joint account some money for our weekends away recently and have been paying £80 per month towards that. That is going to be put on hold and I have offered a token payment of £10 per month till the big debts gone!

We are reducing our monthly payments into the joint account by £50 per month and still be able to save.

My pension payment holiday isn't as fruitful as I expected. I am actually only £78 per month better off instead of the £140(ish) that I thought I would be but hey ho every little bit helps doesn't it?

So now, as from end of March my new payments will be:
£350
+
£70
+
£50
+
£78
dunno about the £1 PAD - i might let myself off with that one!

Giving a total of £548 per month towards my debt!!!

Oh my goodness. Guess who will be rejigging the snowball today!!
Still have £100 outstanding debt to Dad and also £150 to find for Glastonbury ticket balance.

Come on ebay! Do your flippin magic!

I wish I had been able to discuss this mess with Baldy before now cos things could've been so different. But I couldn't and it's pointless even using any thoughts or energy on things that 'could've been'. The past is irrelevent, it's the future that's my concern now.

The usual
NSD M/T/T
£5 a day M/T/W/T
PAD M/T/W/T/F/S/S - b/c
check bank account M/Th

check b/c
check n/w

[STRIKE]update snowball [/STRIKE]
update signature
sealed pot
review my 50 day challenge
make thank you cards (design already decided just get it toshed up on the mac) get list of email addresses for thank you cards

20.3% debt paid to date (14.10.10-07.03.11)

Must remember and remind myself at all opportunities! -
I give myself permission to be who I want to be
I WILL NOT fear rejection
ALSO
The sun is above the clouds

Ooh nice day tomorrow methinks.

Got my positive head on and working hard to keep it for a while.

T
x

dirtyepic

little_h wrote: »

Hi!

It's your diary, write what you like! I like looking back at mine, even through all the miserable stuff.

Sounds like you are doing all the right things re. the job. If it doesn't go well in the interview, it's not the end of the world, and if they place massive emphasis on skills you aren't naturally attuned to then perhaps it isn't the place for you. A piece of advice I was given is that you are supposed to interview them as well as the other way round

I love your count downs to your fun times ahead! I will borrow this, am dreaming of Italy already and it's not til July!

take it easy and I'm glad you are giving yourself credit for all the other things that are where you want them to be

Hi little_h

Sorry i haven't replied! Yeah the interview malarkey, you win some you lose some and if you really don't want them no love's lost eh?

I know it's a good sign that I am getting to interview stage.

It's great to count down your sleeps for fun things ahead. My theory is day's last so much longer than sleeps so I could count the days but if you have a bad day it drags! Sleeps go soooo fast no matter what!

So on that note my current sleep counters stand at:

Weekend away in big posh house with tons of pals: 42
We leave to head down to Glastonbury festival: 96
Watch Primal Scream perform Screamadelica at Glastonbury: 99
We leave to go to Florida and behave like kids for two weeks: 225

So much to look forward to!!

Hope you are keeping well and getting things sorted out, little bits at a time. Hoping that this weekend is nice and you can get out on your bike.

I am hoping to get out with my camera and snap snap snap away!

I went out at dinnertime today and took some photos along the Quayside on my phone and uploaded them onto flickr (which I am still unsure of) and my fb pages.

Take care, T x



Hello diary

What a beautiful day!

As was yesterday.

Wednesday was a day full of emotion for me. It was 16 years since Mam was suddenly taken from us so it was a morning full of sadness and thoughts. I put a little comment on fb saying i think that she is still watching over me and still teaching me rights and wrongs. The comments from friends who knew her were so thought provoking and had me smiling like a mad woman with tears in my eyes at the same time!!

Then during the afternoon we had our quarterly mind numbingly boring national meeting where I said my piece, some committee members had their usual digs and everyone left feeling like they had spoken up and added something positive to the meeting.

Wednesday night saw me in my ultimate state of excitement (yet again) Primal Scream (one of my fave bands of all time) were coming to Newcastle to play their album 'Screamadelica' in full. This is the same gig as I had travelled down to Olympia to see at the end of last year and they absolutely blew the Academy away this time! I am still getting goosebumps thinking about it now! My pals are going to Manchester tomorrow to catch it and I am experiencing a bit of jealousy at the moment knowing how flippin good it will be and how much they will love it!

See, if I wasn't paying off this stupid debt I could've been there AND also Brixton next weekend to catch the last date of their tour like I used to years ago!

So to the weekend ahead.

Tonight I am off to man the phones for Comic Relief so if anyone is calling and donating tonight and they get answered by a female with a broad Geordie accent, ask - it could be me!!!

I have never worked the phones before so this should be an eyeopener and a bit of a laugh. I just wish I knew more of the staff there tonight. I do get to see them sometimes but being situated in a stuffy little room with my manager I just don't mingle with the rest of the employees unless I am required to help out with risk assessements, dse assessments or training presentations (ooh rock and roll, eh??!!)


This weekend I am going to have to work out the whole ebay situation with regards free uk p&p and give it a shot for a little while. My sales have all finished now so I have nothing on my listings and it will take flippin ages to edit every single listing description but it has to be done.

So I am trying to sort out my workload for working from home on Monday, tying up loose ends and answering emails that have not been actioned and also attempting to stay awake. This is not a good sign considering I will be working from 6.30-midnight tonight!!
Oh dear, I have just checked my bank account and to say that I am doing okay this month would be a slight exaggeration! I had the grand total of £2!! Good job I had £20 to transfer from my ebay account. Both accounts now contain £20 in each. Good job there aren't any more events this month and this weekend and next weekend are going to be lovely and quiet.

Well, that's it. I am off now to tie up me loose ends, mentally prep meself for tonight and to stay confident that I don't screw anything up tonight!

The usual
NSD M/T/T
£5 a day F/
PAD M/T/W/T/F/S/S - b/c
check bank account M/Th
[STRIKE]
check b/c
check n/w
update snowball
[/STRIKE]update signature
sealed pot
review my 50 day challenge
make thank you cards (design already decided just get it toshed up on the mac) get list of email addresses for thank you cards

21.6% debt paid to date (14.10.10-15.03.11)

Must remember and remind myself at all opportunities! -

I give myself permission to be who I want to be
I WILL NOT fear rejection
ALSO
The sun is above the clouds

Hope everyone is going to have a great weekend! I know I will, as skint as I am. Who needs money anyway??!!! hahahahahahahahA!


T
x

dirtyepic

28.03.11

Oh dear I didn't realise that I haven't updated for such a long time.

I will get back to my lists/finances/woes a bit later but just a quick entry to my diary to help me get back on track.

I fell I am losing my way again (probably due to thinking too much again)

Work hasn't been too awful recently although I have started to do my Manual Handling training which I despise doing and it gets my nerves in a big state even thinking about it. But hey-ho - I have to do it FULL STOP.

The reason my 'head's in bits' is because my flippin back problem has raised its ugly head yet again.

I was off work for a whole month last year with the bad back which was caused by the travelling for work.

I am now worried that my boss is going to be extremely awkward with me again when I tell him. T

It has started again since travelling from Jarrow to Bolton on Thursday, this time using public transport instead of driving. Now it appears that it doesn't matter what form of transport I use my back doesn't like it.

I'm okay when I am up and about and walking short distances, slowly but once I sit or stand for any longer than around 5 minutes it starts to get really uncomfortable. Can't get an appointment at the doctors till next week apparently so going to have to head to the walk in surgery in the town centre.

Just when I thought I was cracking the 'getting more active and looking after myself' thing!

Oh well, must get ready to head off for my counselling session then off to the walk in centre to get me back sorted. Definitely feel like I am dropping to bits today!

Will definitely try and update my diary properly a little bit later.

Can't get my head around working from home today, too uncomfortable although I think I will have to get something done this afternoon.

Hope everyone's weekend was a good one and their week is looking like it might be bearable one!

jwil

Sorry to hear about your back, and how ridiculous that you cannot get a doctor's appointment until next week!

I hope you manage to get things sorted soon x