Dirty's hoping it's not too late to mend her ways......

dirtyepic

31.03.11

Hello diary

Okay, I hang my head in shame and deserve a couple of slapped wrists. I really should be getting on here a bit more to update and to be a bit more upbeat about situations.

I have been lurking and reading a few of my usual diaries that inspire and motivate me so not been completely AWOL.

Unfortunately (or should that be fortunately) I have been distracted with work and getting my head down and plodding through the boring stuff.

I seem to have been extremely busy lately yet not actually achieving much!

At least it keeps the manager happy and off my back.

Oh, yeah. The flipping back. Still in agony (thanks for your concerns jwil!) and the walk in centre doctor has prescribed me stronger painkillers which don't seem to be doing much at the moment. I do have an appointment at my doctors surgery albeit with a locum doctor where I will request something a bit stronger and some physio sessions.

I am still very concerned with regards the amount of travelling my great leader is intent on making me do. I am heading down to Fleetwood next week for an overnighter so at least the travelling will be spread over two days.

When I asked the doctor if he recommended me postponing next weeks travel he said no but I should ask if I could travel first class as it would be less busy and there'd be more room. Obviously I asked the manager very nicely and was promptly turned down. Well I had to ask if the doctor told me to!!

So I am quite happy at the moment. Used to being quite skint, used to having lovely quiet weekends, used to the weeks just flying by and not being able to catch up with them.

I splashed out on the whole of £11 on myself last night on non-essentials. Eeeeh how naughty was that!? Only it wasn't anything really outrageously extravagant but some stuff for me hair at Primarni! Some scarves, twangies, head bands and a huuuowge scarf that is far too large for me hair, in fact its so big it could be worn as a sarong!

So today I am back at the hairdressers to get me bright red locks and a good cut and dried nice and straight. I am considering this a necessity and not a treat. My hair is old now and is grey and I would have to have it coloured anyway so at least this colour keeps me cheerful (ish) and I feel that visiting the salon is a massive uplift for me. I always come out feeling flippin great. The girls are dead canny, the owner is an absolute star and so helpful.


My counselling has been extended yet again so I have at least another 8 weeks to go and I feel really good about it. It feels as if things really are dropping into place now and I am taking on board the reasons why things have happened and why I have been like this for so long (around 20 years). Every week now I learn something new about myself and my thoughts. My memory is slowly but surely returning which is a great sign that my depression is lifting, there's still a lot of work to be done. I am actually quite excited about my future. I feel like things really are happening and I am making decisions to change things and I am going ahead and making the changes - some might think they are small and trivial changes but these are leading to greater things.

I feel like I am starting to like who I am - I can't remember the last time I felt like that. Although my self-esteem needs a lot of work yet, who knows where this will lead. I might even think I am not ugly, fat or a waste of space sometimes, I MIGHT GAIN SOME CONFIDENCE! Crikey the future really is getting brighter and brighter.

I am getting less bothered about other people's opinions, comments and thoughts. Less bothered about why people seem to be excluding me from certain events etc. I have started to get out there and meet up with or make arrangements to see other friends or do alternative things and it feels good.

My counsellor comments on my list of recent achievements, I didn't actually see them but she says they are a great sign of progress (this list includes - speaking up to my manager instead of letting him completely control me, my time and my working day; telling Baldy about my debt; not letting lists or timescales rule my life - it doesn't really matter if they don't get done; deciding to move on from this job eventually; not just go with the flow; stop avoiding social situations just because 'I might feel uncomfortable'; speak to doctor about my anxiety and accept medication to help control attacks; control my finances, focus really hard at ridding the debt; think about myself; move away from my dominant 'child' ego and live my life with the 'adult' me; making steps to get myself back where I want to be)

When it's written down it's a fairly long list of achievements I suppose but there's still a long way to go.

Anyway, since my back is on the blink again and my attempts at being more active are now hampered I have decided to go to Weightwatchers again. I will be attending a local meeting on Saturday morning and to tell you the truth, even though I despise paying so much to be weighed, I am looking forward to eating again for a purpose of looking after myself and getting the best out of it. Instead of solely for pleasure/comfort. So this will eat into my monthly outgoings but I think it has to be done for a little while. I have 82 sleeps till we head down to Glastonbury and I want to be able to see photos of myself and think that I actually look okay instead of a slightly overweight pink slob!

So as this is the end of another month of debt busting, confidence building and trying to find the new me I think I shall start a new list:

• My NSD will not include any direct debits/monthly payments such as mobile phone/hair appt/prescriptions etc. It is only to monitor the amount of money I spend on rubbish which really should come out of my £10 a week personal allowance!
• My 2nd 50 day challenge didnt get off the ground but I may review this in the future so that's going the distance for now.
• My sealed pot is still on the go but there's no way I can monitor or record this until both savings pots are full!
• I will continue to monitor checking my bank accounts and my credit cards at least twice a week and my £5 a day (still need a flash of inspiration to boost this) .

Week starting 28.03.11

The usual

NSD M/T/Th
£5 a day M/T/W
PAD M/T/W/T/F/S/S - b/c
check bank account M/W/Th
[STRIKE]
check b/c
check n/w
update snowball
[/STRIKE]
update signature

21.7% debt paid to date (14.10.10-28.03.11)

Must remember and remind myself at all opportunities! -
I give myself permission to be who I want to be
I WILL NOT fear rejection
ALSO
The sun is above the clouds

Hopefully this time next week I will be happy after a great trip to Fleetwood and I have my new eating plan in order and almost cracked!! (got to be positive now don't I? Hahahaha - I don't honestly think I will be happy after that trip and also that I won't be craving my half bags of wine gums! So in reality I will probably be a tad grouchy!)

hahaha!!

Hope to catch up soonish.

little_h_2

Hi!

Have been lurking and glad to see you have posted

Sorry to hear that your back is so bad and hope you get something sorted soon.

Great that your counsellor has helped you with seeing how far you have come. Someone else did that on my diary earlier this week and I have been feeling pretty pleased with myself ever since!

It sounds like you have made some massive steps, hope you can keep hold of all that good stuff in the midst of all the work crapola :rotfl:

trips to the hairdressers are indeed necessities I think, especially if you are cutting back so aggressively on so many other things

hope you have a brilliant weekend x

dirtyepic

Okay then, it's done. Signed on the weightwatchers dotted line and I am now ready to take control of another part of my life which has gone s bit to pot.

12st 5.5lbs.

I would like to lose a stone for June 22nd when I head to Glastonbury.

Going to sit down this afternoon and plan my next week of food, taking into consideration my work trip away for two days.

So I will be getting the Ww app for me phone and going to step up the step counter, initially taking it easy with this flipping bad back.

So let's get motivated and up beat about this other 'improvement' - still adopting the 'little steps' approach. Also introducing these changes gradually so I cam adapt easier.

Hope everyones having a great weekend.

I am currently heading into Newcastle with a £50 Fenwicks gift voucher in my purse and I am dying to spend it on getting a mac makeup makeover and buying new makeup but there's a part of Me is holding back and saying 'new shoes for work'!!

I bet I come home with it still in my purse!

Well the sun is shining and it's quite blowy but so far it's been a lovely spring Saturday morning and I am determined to have a lush time.

I am finding that I appreciate my own company more and more these days so my journey into Newcastle is turning out to be very uplifting and enjoyable. The carriages of the metro are full of positive Toon supporters anticipating a good home win this afternoon.

My iPod is also helping lift my mood with some good, very old KLF tunes being played.

Aaaaaaah Saturday's, I love 'em!!

dirtyepic

Still have the £50 gift voucher in my purse!

little_h_2

Nooooo I knew it! what are you like! (need a smack smiley!)

I am going to have to ask ex hubs for the KLF CD now as I think he still has it - could just do with a bit of Tammy now you have mentioned them! LOVE it! :j

Good luck with WW, it worked well for me a few years ago and I have been within half a stone of my goal weight since (not sure if you have done it before). And I know if I need to shift the weight, I have half an idea of where to start

I've found as I've started to feel more positive about different areas of my life, things are coming back into balance and the positivity is multiplying and spreading if that makes sense. I have dropped some of the weight I wanted to lose as a result I think

dirtyepic

08.04.11

Hello diary

As far as I can comment my life is not really much to write about.

I am losing all faith in myself again and can't stop thinking about things to the point that I am shattered.

I am sitting alone in the office, which is good, but can't concentrate on anything at all.

I have had to limit myself to 15 minute bursts which kind of works for some things I have to do.

I have tried to read my usual threads on the debt free diaries but instead of uplifting me and inspiring me it is currently creating the opposite effect and making me feel useless and fed up of this life I have made for myself.

People are so happy due to the sunshine and how it is making their TADA lists longer and encouraging them to get outside and do stuff.
God I wish I was!

I need to clear my mind and get myself back to where I should be now.
Has anyone got any tips?

I have 'Right Here' by Ralph Marston pinned up on the wall next to my desk but even that can't influence my thoughts.

The following points may be the reason I feel so rubbish:

I might update my finances, that usually picks me up a bit. Quite cheesed off with myself as I am unable to get the payment situation to improve. This month has been a big one and I am still a long way from payday. I haven't spent on my card but I have spent more on myself this month which I am disappointed with because I have managed to do without for so flippin long.

My counselling sessions are extended a further 6 weeks and I feel that they are getting rather more intense as we explore further into why I am this kind of person. I currently feel that I am not the person I used to be and the person I used to be maybe wasn't really me. I have recently felt so excluded from social situations and now I think that maybe people just don't want me or need me there cos I am not the person I was. The old me was very sociable and used to enjoy a good drink and night out with our big group of friends. Now I dread socialising and don't want to spend time with the people who have been excluding me.

I now enjoy weekends when I know that I am not going out (a direct result of not having any disposable income which may have led to the exclusion - who knows?)

Funny though, I am going out tonight, after work and dreading it. This social gathering was instigated by me! We promised to take out a friend's son for his birthday and it's rather overdue. So I mentioned it last week and it was decided on tonight.

Also, this may be a big factor in the whole 'how rubbish I feel with myself' situation. I started Weightwatchers again last Saturday and have almost completed one week. I have denied myself of chocolate for this week and it's been a bit difficult because I was away from home for work and really wanted this first week to be successful so a lot of thought has gone into my eating habits this week. Tonight will involve an italian meal (probs going to be pasta) and a few drinks so got to realise what I can and can't do. Haven't had a few drinks for a good few weeks. So really should be looking forward to this. Try and retrain my brain - even for one day only!

Just catching up with Little_h's thread and I love how she is so motivated! If only it could be 'bottled'

Right money malarkey below:[STRIKE]
Checked bank
Checked b/c
Checked n/w
[/STRIKE]

Total debt paid since LBM 14.10.10 = 25.24%

Total weightloss since WW 02.04.11 =

TOTAL NSD 5/8 (April)

After Baldy has called me at dinner time I think I am going to head out and walk over the Tyne Bridge in the sun and back to the office for a bit of fresh air and sunshine motivation I HOPE! Along with clocking my 'ww activity points'.

It is very weird this whole glum feeling. It is so memorable and in the past I would go out at dinnertime and enjoy a solitary pint whilst reading a newspaper or magazine and not even think about it. Just got up and done it.

Now though, I can go for the beer but I think about a: Money I am spending. b: drinking alcohol = slippery slope? c: weightwatchers points. d: what if someone sees me?

What on earth is happening to me? And why am I so flippin bothered and wasting so much time thinking about it?!!!!

Blimey someone! Please! Get me a life!!!

Sorry for the miserable ramblings but I am afraid I do feel like I am making somekind of subconscious improvement when I do write stuff down.

Up days and down days - who'd have em?

Hope you all enjoy your weekend!

T
x

ps little_h - I eventually spent some of the voucher yesterday but not on anything frivilous or extravagant or surplus to my requirements. No, I spent it on some shoes for work! Although not the normal kind, I was a tad rebellious and got meself some nice new black cons which look great with my wide leg office trousers! I still have the whole of £13 to splash out on 'stuff' when I feel I can do it!

little_h_2

afternoon

you poor thing, sounds like you are very blue at the moment.

Have you seen on LittleBoots diary, she did a little counting her blessings post the other day, and it made really interesting reading It's a bit of a cliche, counting our blessings, but it's also nice to think about the good stuff too. Although it is hard when you are in the fog.

Something else you could maybe look at is Myers-Briggs Type analysis, if you haven't done it before. It really helped me understand the way I was, who I was and why I was feeling so different when things were bad. I don't want to sound like I am being preachy or badgering but am just trying to suggest stuff that might help

I am finding my counselling quite hard too. We have done some deep stuff lately and while it has made me very aware, it is a bit scary too how I have leapt into situations when I shouldn't have done and being able to understand why things have gone the way they have is illuminating but tough.

My friends now aren't who I thought they were, this has been one of the toughest things to learn. And the fear of making new ones is very strong, risking the possibility of getting it wrong again. But, I am getting used to having to do everything for myself which is good but scary and exhausting.

I am motivated at the moment, but I think it's because now I know it can only come from me, so if I want it, I have to go for it and it has been a long time coming. If you read some of my posts around July last year, it was a very different story.

Primal Scream were on the radio this morning so thought of you haha (not in a weird way)

Hope you have a lovely weekend x

dirtyepic

little_h wrote: »

afternoon

you poor thing, sounds like you are very blue at the moment.

Have you seen on LittleBoots diary, she did a little counting her blessings post the other day, and it made really interesting reading It's a bit of a cliche, counting our blessings, but it's also nice to think about the good stuff too. Although it is hard when you are in the fog.

Something else you could maybe look at is Myers-Briggs Type analysis, if you haven't done it before. It really helped me understand the way I was, who I was and why I was feeling so different when things were bad. I don't want to sound like I am being preachy or badgering but am just trying to suggest stuff that might help

I am finding my counselling quite hard too. We have done some deep stuff lately and while it has made me very aware, it is a bit scary too how I have leapt into situations when I shouldn't have done and being able to understand why things have gone the way they have is illuminating but tough.

My friends now aren't who I thought they were, this has been one of the toughest things to learn. And the fear of making new ones is very strong, risking the possibility of getting it wrong again. But, I am getting used to having to do everything for myself which is good but scary and exhausting.

I am motivated at the moment, but I think it's because now I know it can only come from me, so if I want it, I have to go for it and it has been a long time coming. If you read some of my posts around July last year, it was a very different story.

Primal Scream were on the radio this morning so thought of you haha (not in a weird way)

Hope you have a lovely weekend x

Hi Little_h,

Thanks again for your really thoughtful post, it's all swings and flippin roundabouts isn't it and this game is lasting for ages!

My counselling is so very very thought inducing at the moment and we have spoke about the games people play and how social interactions that occur all of the time can be classed as game playing. She has recommended a book which I have uploaded to my iphone called 'Games People Play' by Eric Byrne. I am slowing getting through it and blimey, does it make you think!

I have accepted that its taking an awful long time and that it's sometimes very difficult to take on board or admit to but I do feel I am getting somewhere.

During yesterday's session I told her I was exhausted with all of the thinking I had been doing since our last session and that I was a bit concerned that my old ways of thinking were slowly returning (constantly thinking about 'what ifs', not being able to concentrate or prioritise, allowing things to build up and not being able to complete a task before being distracted and starting another one!).

I have been thinking about so much and this has been triggered by what we were discussing last week but it's so sneaky! I must be subconsciously storing information and then suddenly, out of nowhere, something will come into my mind from a long long time ago, that I can't remember thinking about before and it's there, planted in my mind. Then the thought process of 'where on earth did that come from?' 'why have I suddenly remembered that?' 'does this mean something more serious than it appears?' Anyway, it's all meant to happen and it's amazing that my 'chats' that I have been having every Monday were part of the bigger plan.

My rubbish week last week was all part of my recovery. It's just a shame that on my diary it looks like I whinge more than I am happy but that's really not the real picture. I felt like sh*** last week cos I thought it was all coming back and couldn't remember how to change my thoughts and prevent a recurrence. This week I feel a lot better. I am beginning to slowly like myself a bit more. I have so much going for me and the 'trivial' issue of my job and my manager doesn't dominate my feelings and thoughts any more. I am in control of my thoughts (well so far this week I have been and I know it's only Tuesday but one step at a time!)

I have taken note of the the Myers-Brigg Type analysis and will look it up and research a bit further, you don't sound preachy - I appreciate any advice at all. I so want to find out why I am like this as well as 'get better'. I am so glad I insisted on not taking medication because all of my very deep therapy wouldn't be the same.

It's funny how you have mentioned friends and how they aren't who you thought they were. This is one of my constant thoughts - still have socialising problems but only with certain individuals. One being my lovely sister and one being my longest oldest friend (there are others but these are the two I have had most recent issues with). There are people throughout our lives, friends, colleagues, workmates, associates, who basically take what they need from relationships and move on (I read yesterday that they are classed as 'vampires') It's not malicious (usually) but to them it's natural. My oldest friend has done this all my life, she's been very close to me then found someone else and dropped me to eventually come back to me. This has gone on since school and I have usually just taken it. We have had two massive falling-outs in the past but now I know that this is who she is. I don't know why and to tell you the truth that's not my problem. My sister is unemployed at the moment and is not herself and is spending a lot of time with my oldest friend. They have been organising social events and inviting a few of MY other friends without asking me and I have felt so excluded. I have approached my sister with regards this following two separate recent occasions and the first time she said she knew nothing of any reason why I have been excluded then she blatantly lied on the second occasion. So now I just think she is going through a hard time at the moment and if she has to lie then so be it. It just means that I will take any excuse from her now with a pinch of salt.

It's great to see motivation going on around me! If only it was really in front of me and not on the pages of an online forum!

I find that the more time I spend on here my motivation and inspiration is recharged, unfortunately work has been taking priority and I have to use 'real motivation and inspiration' which you know is in short supply where I work!!

Ooh yes and once I get the chance I will check out Little Boots and her counting her blessings, I am sure that that will spur me on to thinking positive again and maybe re-introduce my 'nice thing for today' diary.

I will include my normal lists on a later post methinks. Must get some work done!

Hoping your weekend/week start has been okay.

T
x

ps to anyone who might be thinking 'shouldn't this be a debt-free diary? There's not much debt-busting going on here!!' Well it's still going on, not much to brag about but in the background I am still chipping away and me ebay sales are absolutely rubbish and that's my only extra way of creating cash so once I get me other issues in order I am sure I will be in the right frame of mind to get my moneymaking head on and crack on with gusto!!

little_h_2

Hi,

How are things going?

x

dirtyepic

little_h wrote: »

Hi,

How are things going?

x

Hi little_h,

All is well at the moment.

I feel at the moment I am able to take control of so many aspects of my life and it feels good!

I hope you are okay, I have recently caught up with your diary, my thoughts were with you and hope things are still okay. I haven't read since last night so don't know if you went ahead with the new harp, go with your gut instinct - if you think it's right go for it!

The sunshine's been making so much of a difference to everyone and everything around - it's just a lovely positive feeling all around at the moment up here, hoping it's the same where you are!

T
x



So I am going to use this opportunity to post a positive entry to my diary and start with my debt busting issues:

I have now paid 25.41% of my credit card debt! Yippee.

I have attempted to use any ebay sales as my spending money and use my wages to pay off as much as I can. My PAD has been rather erratic but I am getting back into it. Even £1 a day makes a teeny difference! Today (after my expenses were paid into my account) I even rounded up my PAD to make it nice clean round numbers, no pence owed just pounds!)

So slowly and surely its disappearing and I feel quite good about it.

My LBM last year was a £9351.85 owed.
My current amount owed is: £6795.00
Making it a grand total of £2376.85 paid and by the end of this month the £3000 barrier will be well passed!

There, I have done it! I have admitted exactly how much I owed, how much I have paid and how much I still owe.

If I can keep this up it will all be paid in 13 months. Yippee!!

So, since last October (the 14th to be exact, my LBM) I have made the following changes to help me along the way:

-Moved all 4 credit cards eventually down to 2 x 0% balance transfer cards
-Removed credit cards from purse and stored, securely sellotaped, in a folder in a box under my bed
-Upped my ebay presence (although my recent changes have proved lengthy in time and rather unsuccessful)
-Only bought things that I need (toiletries bought only when run out)
-Bought things in bulk to save pennies
-Bought travel card through work bringing my travel costs to around £40 per month
-Bought no clothes (except underwear - cos I needed it)
-Payment a day (even if it's only £1 a day off a credit card - every little helps)
-No spend days
-Snowballing - updated weekly
-kept a weekly diary of payments and calculated % paid every time to watch the debt drip away
-moved mobile phone from O2 to giffgaff and over three months this has saved me £40!
-started weightwatchers (okay that is an extra expense!) to help me get back in control of looking after myself. This has, in turn....
-bring packed lunch AND breakfast into work therefore not tempted to spend during the day
-kept up to date (although not been in frame of mind recently to share my diary) with diaries on MSE forums. ABSOLUTE NECESSITY. These diaries are a massive part of my life now and if I don't keep up with everyone's journies I feel that I am missing out on advice, stories, motivation and inspiration. I wish I had more time to get involved with a ton more but at the moment it's not possible.

So I think that that's it. That list is what's helping me to find my way.

My other issues (health, work, weight) are all under control at the moment.

My weightwatchers is appearing to rather successful - well two weeks in and I am 6.5 lbs closer to my goal weight of a stone lost. I am hoping that this Saturday's weigh in will be in the right direction and if I lose 0.5lb there's a silver seven (half a stone lost!) if I lose 2lb I have achieved 5% of my body weight lost! Finger's crossed for the 2lb lost then. There's no reason why not because I have stuck to this completely and have tracked absolutely everything (quite obsessively!)

My counselling sessions are still going and after my bad week a few weeks ago I have gathered my thoughts, gone with my gut feeling, been myself, opened up and basically, improved massively.

I don't have another session until 9th May and I have been given some rather 'difficult homework' which is going to take a lot of soul searching and pulling up difficult thoughts and memories but if this is what it takes to get me back to 'square one' then I will do it.

I am not looking forward to the final sessions as it's very very deep and difficult so watch this space.

Work - well I have taken this with a pinch of salt recently. I am doing all that's asked of me and getting the work done to the standard necessary and I have had no complaints from anywhere. Still not enjoying it though. There are so many changes coming up in the future that it's really not worth worrying about. I am very disappointed that we were promised another member of the team to replace my colleague that left last November and we have heard through the grapevine that we now are not recruiting so it's all down to muggins here again. Unfortunately, I am having rather a lot of trouble with any long journies I have to make for work involving either car or train. My back isn't holding up well and I am very concerned that it will be still 'damaged' for my annual trip to Glastonbury festival. I don't really want to think of this because the fact is, the travelling that this job entails damaged my back in the first place (this time last year) and I have tried to continue my travelling as and when required but it's not good. (The last time I explained to my boss, in February, he said that 'not travelling is not an option' - oh dear. How am I supposed to read into this??!!!)

Anyway, I am going to head into Newcastle at dinner time to take advantage of the Origins product swap for a facial cleanser and also to buy a magazine to get the voucher for the Liz Earle facial cleanser so if nothing else, I should have lovely skin soon!!

Must crack on with my work now. Got lots to finish off before my 12 days off. SO next week I should be able to share my thoughts a lot more and get more done in improving my finances, health and life in general.

Hope to catch up soon with details of what I am going to do with my well deserved time off!!

Till then,

dirtyepic
x

NOTE TO SELF: update signature at home one day (work pc crashes every time I have tried at work, rubbish IT system!!)