Inheritence, DH and FIL, long Rant alert....

DevilsAdvocate1

My mum has said the same thing to me - everything is to be left to me but she wants me to pass a proportion onto my 3 children. She has not given a specific amount as she does not know how much she will have left. She's leaving that to me to decide. They are my kids at the end of the day, so of course I'll make sure they get some of the money / personal items. I was toying with the idea of giving it to them when they want to buy their first house or to help them if they go to University (my mum has specifically mentioned the latter).

However, if they're already grown up when she dies it'll be different.

I think your FIL does sound selfish. Does he know about your financial situation and how much this money could help you - perhaps its time to have an open and frank discussion with him. My dad gave me £10k when my nana died, but told me I could only have £250 of it and the rest was to be put away for my children. All well and good in theory but we were really strapped for cash at the time, with a toddler and 10 week old baby. I'd just given up work (made redundant on maternity leave). In then end I used it to pay some of the mortgage which reduced our payments enough to relieve the pressure. I felt awful about this, and told my dad what I had done. He simply had not realised the financial pressure we were under. My mum on the other hand thought the money should have come to me and didn't need to be told how hard we were finding things. She somehow just knew. But as nana did not leave a will, it was up to my dad to decide who got what.

Good luck in sorting things out. D.

Penny_Farthing_2

If someone 100% wants to give a person money when they die, it would be in their will or at least in a letter. Maybe your DH's nan wasn't as definite about it as you thought. People say things they don't really really mean for many reasons. Has your husband's attitude towards his dad changed since you married him? Sorry to say this, when you sound so upset and desparate, but the money isn't there for you unless it was properly bequeathed. Your husband's dad is his dad and their relationship is their relationship - I can't see you making it change now. Have a thought for your new baby. How would it be in 25 years time if their partner tried to alter that child's relationship with you?

balletshoes

OP I feel your frustration at your DH's inability to confront his dad on any issue - but I have to say, as an adult himself, thats got to be his call to make, he may never feel like he can do this. You can't beat yourself up over it, its really not going to help anyone. Your DH has always been like this the whole time you've been together yes? So maybe now is the time to accept that things aren't going to change between DH and his Dad, and get on with your life together as a family, dealing with what you do have, and forgetting promises/intentions made by your FIL.
If you do get anything from him/if he does come through with what he's mentioned, treat is a bonus, but don't rely on him.

Susan_Frost

You are giving fil power by letting all this affect your marriage. Let your husband deal with his father as he has learned to do over the years. You dont mention other problems except the money issue, so presumably hubby does not let his father interfere in your lives. This is something DH cannot do anything about, except wait and see what comes along. If fil is such a bully, then he will enjoy seeing his son beg, so dont give him that satisfaction. Surely he is more likely to be awkward if he thinks it means something to you.

Just leave it out. If he gives you some money when his house is sold, then fine. If not, then as an only child it is odds on that DH will get all his father's assets eventually anyway. You just wont get your conservatory as soon as you hoped.

Just make your lives within your own budget constraints and any extras will have to be a bonus. There is nothing else you can do, so why make family life more difficult.

Yes, morally DH should get money promised, but there is nothing he can do about it. I also dont think your husband lets you down or puts dad first. He has lived from day 1 with a controlling father, and he has had no siblings to take some of the brunt of it. He acknowledges what his dad is like. So lay off him. And if you dont get the money, just be happy he is not like his dad, and get on with family life. You have a new baby coming, I know people who would be desperate to be able to say that.

Come on - let it go. Enjoy your family life. Remember, it is his father who is going to have quite a lonely time of it as he grows old.

coolcait

You say it's not about the money, yet the first word in the title of your post is 'inheritance'.

You don't mention "it's the principle" until the second last paragraph of your first post. And it comes after you saying "I now feel its not even about the money despite how much we need it".

Even your second post - which is much more about 'the principle' - comes back to the 'inheritance' at the end.

I am completely confused.

If it's about the money, then you missed your chance when it wasn't pinned down in a will.

That said, your OH's nan could have put it into a will if she'd really wanted him to have the money - especially if your FiL is as overbearing and bullying as you say he is. She didn't make a will, though.

If it's about your OH's nan's money, and your OH's family, why are you getting involved?

If it's not about the money, why all the details about needing a conservatory and a dining area and a boiler, and then using anything that's left over to pay off your debts?

If it's not about the money, why get defensive over your plans for how to spend it, and how it's not any business of your FiL anyway?

To follow the same argument, why would your OH's nan's decisons about how she spent/left her money be any of your business?

If it's about how you OH deals with his father - and not about the money - why not leave the money out of your posts altogether?

On the balance of probabilities, it does sound like it's about the money. Sorry. money which is not, and never would have been, 'your money', I'm afraid.

If your OH feels that it is more important to him to maintain a relationship with his father than it is to have an inheritance, a conservatory, a boiler, or anything else of monetary value, then that is his choice.

As I understand it, when your FiL's current property sells (the property in which his mother/your OH's nan lived during the last months of her life, with all the care implications that suggests) your OH will get the money you want to use for a conservatory, dining area, boiler, and - from what's left - your debts.

I'm not sure where the 'problem' is...?

ailuro2

Stop heckling your husband and basically implying he is spineless because he doesn't stand up to his father for "a few thousand" as you call it.

Life's too short to worry about money like that. Look into your own spending habits as a couple, concentrate on being a great team that can get rid of your own debt. Then if you do end up getting anything from DH's father (which he has no legal obligation to do) it will be a nice rainy day fund for you.


I never rely on anyone to pay anything for me, we have what we have because both of us worked hard for it, and are proud to say that.;)

bestpud

You are on a DMP so have, for whatever reason, not controlled your finances well in the past. Isn't it wiser to concentrate on paying that off than dreaming of the next big expense?

A conservatory may be desirable but it's not essential. Your relationship with your OH and your children is far more important and money can't buy that.

It's not about how he is with his dad but how he is with his children - if he refuses to be the same then he has stopped the cycle and that is a great thing. He could easily have become a tyrant himself.

Look at it from his POV for a minute: he is caught between a bully he loves but has accepted he will never change and a nagging wife who sends him on guilt trips and suggests he is weak. Don't you think you are just as bad but in a different way?

Sorry, but you come across as money grabbing and interested only in yourself but at the same time your childish attitude could ruin any chance you have of getting some money.

Think about it for a moment - your OH has never stood up to his father and his father is well known for sulking when he doesn't get his way...

What do you think would happen if he demanded his father give him that money now?

You may have little chance of getting any of it but you could kiss goodbye to it altogether if he realises how desperate you are for it and your OH decided now is the time to stand up to him.

My advice is forget the money and butt out of your OH's relationship with his father. Concentrate on the important things in life and stop stamping your feet because you can't have all you want now!

Pay of your debts and start saving for the things you want - that's how it goes.

If you didn't have room and couldn't afford to make room, perhaps you were too hasty in starting a family and then adding to it? That is hardly your fil's fault, is it?

peachyprice

Great post Bestpud, especially this bit.

bestpud wrote: »

If you didn't have room and couldn't afford to make room, perhaps you were too hasty in starting a family and then adding to it? That is hardly your fil's fault, is it?

OP, you're just as bad a bully to your OH as your FIL, back off and let him deal with it in his own way, even if that results in you having to live within your means. I'm sure your FIL will pop his clogs eventually, then you'll get your own way.

twoflower169

OK lets get a few things straight

1 Fil has always bullied us, told us what to do, even to when we were first dating he would just arrive at our place of work and tell us what we should or shouldn't be doing - Controlling this situation is no different.

2. In the post title I said "Rant" as well, I was using this forum to air my feelings and get some prospective on it, at the end of the day I know my DH will not stand up to his dad no matter what and I find this so frustrating as my dh will let it be to our detriment as his family are we not supposed to be his first priority? So I know I have to get on with my family life now and I always have done, BUT my dh will push me to stand up to my parents over things he knows we dont agree with, how does that work he wont do it but expects me too?

3. I accept it does come across about the money but I'm discussing the current circumstances in which we are in, I dont think you would want to read a 15yr low down on every circumstance fil has behaved in such a manner.

4. Yes to those have said as its not in a will its not DH's money, but it was FIL who wouldn't let nan change her will, he went on and on about it so much nan was bullied into submission, when nan tod him he had app with solicitor to change will. And he promised her he would do what she asked. If this had been written in will, DH would have had to be paid his portion like any other person or debt owed to estate at the begining not when it suits the person and as execuiter of a will thats the responsibility you have. ALso fil was only discussing this money with us 2 weeks ago and asked dh what he planned to do with it, and dh explained making life easier before baby comes and fixing boiler etc. He knows we were in a little need.

5. Yes we are in a dmp and fully intend to pay our debts off, due to circumstances beyond our control we find ourselves in this situation and had we have not been in this situation we would have moved to helped with our space problem, but life doesn't always work that way. Ask anyone who has lost a job or been forced to change jobs due to current climate, not a choice they make, one thats made for them.

6. I'm not bullying my DH I have expressed my feelings, as Husbands and wifes should do to maintain communication, its healthy thing to do, and at the end of the day I'm not forcing him to do anything, I haven't told him what to do, just how I feel. Its not about getting my own way, if that was the case we would never see much of fil and his wife, we see them, go stay with them etc because I encourage dh to keep things ticking over always have done, dh wouldn't make much effort otherwise, thats what my parents have taught me. They also taught me to stand up for my self and not be bullied, my dh was taught not to be bullied by anyone else, but fil would bully him (DH'd words not mine).

At the end of the day I was using this medium to vent my feelings so that I could calm my anger and frustration and go back to my life and just plod through this situation and hope that my dh will deal with this in some way, I'm not suggesting for a second that he demands this money because I dont agree with that, but as an adult we are all allowed to maybe voice our feelings in a way that is suitable to the circumstances, thats how you get through life without being trodden on by other people. I would just like dh to do whats best for his family not just in this circumstance but in all where he may have to express his feelings/thoughts to his dad. Especially when he has no qualms about pushing me to do it with my parents.

Anyway enough said on this, I have to move on from this and I'm not going to allow others twist my words and use them like a stick to beat me, thats what my fil does to my dh all the time.

bestpud

twoflower169 wrote: »

OK lets get a few things straight

1 Fil has always bullied us, told us what to do, even to when we were first dating he would just arrive at our place of work and tell us what we should or shouldn't be doing - Controlling this situation is no different.

2. In the post title I said "Rant" as well, I was using this forum to air my feelings and get some prospective on it, at the end of the day I know my DH will not stand up to his dad no matter what and I find this so frustrating as my dh will let it be to our detriment as his family are we not supposed to be his first priority? So I know I have to get on with my family life now and I always have done, BUT my dh will push me to stand up to my parents over things he knows we dont agree with, how does that work he wont do it but expects me too?

3. I accept it does come across about the money but I'm discussing the current circumstances in which we are in, I dont think you would want to read a 15yr low down on every circumstance fil has behaved in such a manner.

4. Yes to those have said as its not in a will its not DH's money, but it was FIL who wouldn't let nan change her will, he went on and on about it so much nan was bullied into submission, when nan tod him he had app with solicitor to change will. And he promised her he would do what she asked. If this had been written in will, DH would have had to be paid his portion like any other person or debt owed to estate at the begining not when it suits the person and as execuiter of a will thats the responsibility you have. ALso fil was only discussing this money with us 2 weeks ago and asked dh what he planned to do with it, and dh explained making life easier before baby comes and fixing boiler etc. He knows we were in a little need.

5. Yes we are in a dmp and fully intend to pay our debts off, due to circumstances beyond our control we find ourselves in this situation and had we have not been in this situation we would have moved to helped with our space problem.

At the end of the day I was using this medium to vent my feelings so that I could calm my anger and frustration and go back to my life and just plod through this situation and hope that my dh will deal with this in some way, I'm not suggesting for a second that he demands this money because I dont agree with that, but as an adult we are all allowed to maybe voice our feelings in a way that is suitable to the circumstances, thats how you get through life without being trodden on by other people. I would just like dh to do whats best for his family not just in this circumstance but in all where he may have to express his feelings/thoughts to his dad. Especially when he has no qualms about pushing me to do it with my parents.

Anyway enough said on this, I have to move on from this and I'm not going to allow others twist my words and use them like a stick to beat me, thats what my fil does to my dh all the time.

You had a rant and asked for perspective, and you received it.

You didn't say you only wanted to hear from those who agree with you.

Perhaps that is part of the problem you have with your fil - you can't cope with any view but your own either?