Inheritence, DH and FIL, long Rant alert....

twoflower169

Hi all,

Your thoughts on this situation:

DH's nan died a few weeks ago, dh has known for a number of years that when nan died he would inherit a few thousand, but it was never officailly put into a will, it was discussed between Fil, DH and nan that that was the plan and exactly how much. Because Fil was completely against it being put in the will (he is only child and the only mentioned in the will) DH never challenged this as he has always said he will not discuss this money he also never challenges his dad. (DH is only child as well).


Nan was living with Fil in recent months due to terminal cancer, her house sold and money sat in the bank for months, a while ago nan had expressed giving dh the money now so she could see us enjoy it, but that never happened and dh rightly never questioned it.

Fil who had power of attorney gifted himself a lump of money before nan died. All now going through Probate awaiting money every thing declared including the gifted money, dh had told fil our plans to build conservatory(we are desperate for a dining area, new baby on the way as well as a toddler) and then we planned to sort stuff out around the house for example boiler, we didn't however explain that we are on a dmp and plan to use the rest to pay off as much as possible. (not that its actually any of his business what we do with it)

Anyway, fil has just put an offer on a property that when probate comes through he will use all the money to pay for property but no spare for dh's money nan wanted him to have, which means we now have to wait for current property to sell before dh receives his inheritence.

I have always expressed that as it wasn't written in will this could cause problems and that fil is the kind of person who will make sure he has what he has first before anyone else.

On top of this in 15 yrs of being together dh and I have had many disagreements as dh will never stand up to fil even to our detriment as he believes nothing he will say will change his fathers mind so why bother having the confrontation! Which I dont agree with I believe even if it doesn't change fil's mind he would know how dh feels about whatever the situation, fil is one of those people who no one but the odd 1 or 2 (including me) challenges him because he will either shout you down or just bully you into submission. So today when fil told dh how he was buying new property, dh said well that stuffs our plans before baby comes and fil's response was oh well you might have it before then, meaning we have to wait for his current house to sell before( which isn't on the market yet, he plans to decorate it when he moves into the new place) we receive dh's money, that could take months and my question to dh was why didn't fil call before putting in offer and explain it was his plan as I feel this would give dh opportunity to say well what will you do about my money if the house doesn't sell?

DH is angry but will not challenge his dad or even ask about it at all, which is where I got so angry as dh wouldn't say anything if fil didn't give him the money at all and said as much. I feel ready to explode as I said years ago that dh wouldn't not get his money if the cirumstances didn't suit fil to give it, and here we are, quite desperate for this money and dh will say nothing.

I now feel its not even about the money despite how much we need it, its the principle that I feel my dh will always choose to diagree, fall out and argue with me and us as family will always come 2nd to keeping peace with fil, so in a temper I told him to go live with his dad as he obivously feels that his dad is more important to keep happy and peace with than looking out for his own family, I even put it to him that his dad would not have excepted that if it was us with his money! Dh response was well I'm not my father and don't plan to behave like him!

HELP I'm soo soo angry at dh for what I feel is betrayal of us as his immediate family to his dad. I'm 5 minths pregnant and trying not to get too stressed but I'm so upset I dont know what to do.

carefullycautious

Life really is too short for all this c**p

QuiteNice

If your husband's nan intended to leave money to him and had a set amount in mind, she would have (should have) written it into her will.

Have you stopped to think during all of this that your father in law has lost his mum, he has no siblings to turn to for support, and his only family (you and his son) are salivating at the thought of how much cash he's going to pass your way?

You have no right to a penny of the money, it is not your money and any money you might get will be a gracious gift from your father in law for which you should be grateful. You nor your husband have worked for this money and your husband's nan left specific written wishes about what should happen to it. Conversations about giving your husband some money are not worth the paper they're (not) written on.

tanith

This is between your husband and his Dad, in your condition you shouldn't be stressing about some money that you might or might not get ... just let your husband deal with it in his own way

BitterAndTwisted

Nan didn't leave anything in her will to your OH and FIL will most probably never part with a penny of his inheritance so you'd better stop bickering with each other and get on with your lives before it destroys your relationship.

belfastgirl23

I actually think your husband is right. If FIL is not the sort of man to ever change his mind then what's the point in arguing with him? I think you're putting a lot more stress on him by trying to get him to change a situation he has no control over. As long as FIL isn't dictating how you live your lives, there is no point in confronting him really.

Sorry, I know it isn't what you want to hear but I think you're actually putting your DH in a position where he can't deliver what you want. And that's horrible for him.

On a seperate issue, your FIL inherited the money and alas can do what he wants with it...

twoflower169

I agree with many of your thoughts life is too short for this crap, and yes our relationship is more importnant, but the bigger issue is with my dh not ever standing up to fil which is the bigger problem not the money, its the letting us be dictated to or bullied into doing something Fil wants, to keep the peace, my dh will go against his own needs and those of his family (our child, myself and unborn child) to stop any confrontation with his father, I hear many of you think well it is his dad thats the way it is, but he actually agrees that his dad is a bully and very selfish, in fact he will tell me and close friends "I love my dad, but I don't like him and wouldn't choose him as a friend" Parents may be your parents but they are not infallable and dont have to be treated like so, my DH has always expected me to stand up to my parents on things we don't agree with and I have, and we have a healthy relationship with boundries.

One thing I would like to make clear, We ALL lost that lady, we lived with her for many years of our early marriage, and I loved that lady too, we all miss her, but I have had to watch my FIL be jealous over his son, having "a better relationship" than him, this coming from the man who never came to visit his mother unless he was in the area for something else, the person who fell out with her days before she died because she was being herself and was determind to do something, and because she wouldn't do what he wanted he sulked for days about it, all about having his own way. I know the how my dh really feels about his dad and the things he did in my dh's younger life (to do with break up of marriage with dh mother) and my dh has never really got over them and has always bottled them up, the things he has told me I just dont understand why he would allow his dad to treat him that way or his family, this is what makes me so angry.

I didn't post this to be judged about the money I posted to do with how do you resolve the issue of dh and allowing fil to treat him the way he does. Its heart breaking to see my dh be treated like a child in every conversation with his father.

Quitenice - I do have question for you on how strong you came across - If your mother expressed her wishes to you that a small portion of her inheritence went to one of your children(assuming you have them) or another close family member in front of that person, whilst expressing that she was going to change her will to reflect this, would you a) talk her out of changing her will (which is her wish) b) assure her and that person that you will follow out exactly what she has asked and then not do it as it doesn't suit you at that time? Would you consider yourself keeping to your promise of carrying out your mothers wishes?

Spendless

I have lost count of the times that I've read threads or people in RL hav told me that "x said when they died they wanted y to have <insert item/£>". And on every occassion it has not been written into the will, even tho x may sometimes have claimed they have done this and then it's been found out that actually they hadn't! I have absolutely NO idea why people do this, but I've come across the story being told many many times.

as such I would never rely on anyone saying to me, I intend leaving you ............. I just wouldn't bank (excuse the pun!) on it.

I think your husband standing upto his Dad has to come at a different time, not when you have all just lost a relative and it being mixed up with money that you thought you were going to receive but haven't.

*Louise*

If it's not in the will then FIL doesn't have to give you a penny, no matter what was discussed.

Sorry, but that's the truth, although I can understand how upsetting and frustrating it must be

If he is planning to give the money after he sells the other property, then I do think you're quite lucky in that respect

JaneRN

I can empathise with your situation. I can appreciate the type of person your FIL is. I also know a grandchild can have a closer relationship with the nan than his/her parent. I had a very close relationship with my nan - closer than I ever had with my parents. As a nurse I have seen enough relatives in hospital willing their parent to hurry up and pass away so they can inherit. Some have even suggested the Dr my be able to hasten the process!!
I also know how it feels to be promised something by my nan (a string of pearls of little monetary value) but not have her wishes carried out after her sudden death.
I have no words of wisdom on how to tackle the situation but hope things get better for you both. Don't let the negative comments wind you up, there will always be those who are determined to twist your words and use them as a stick to beat you with.

twoflower169

Thanks JaneRN for your comments, much appreciated you do seem to understand the situation.