What will help my grief? Burial at home or individual cremation

virgin_moneysaver

Yesterday, at 4.45pm, we had to let my gorgeous girl go, Nell was an English Springer Spaniel whom I found on my way to work just under 4 years ago.

I feel so guilty in signing the form and taking away her life even though she was going downhill quite quickly, the look on her face as she was being examined on the table, was her usual, 'Come on Mum lets get out of here'

I wasn't prepared for how quickly the injection worked or that she died with her eyes open, its all I can see in my mind, I thought at the end she would look asleep.

I made the mistake of reading on this site last night to come across some posters comments on the treatment of the pets once the owner has left. I then spent all night worrying about what they were doing with her, and whether I had made the right decision in arranging for an individual cremation so I could have her back, as our lovely vet said I could also take her home to bury her.

I haven't eaten since and sobbing uncontollaby, as I am now, I keep looking for her as she was my shadow and I feel so guilty and lost - what must she be thinking - I keep thinking they don't know she doesn't like closed doors and she snores!

My husband doesn't think bringing her home to bury is a good idea, even though I offered to dig the hole. Everywhere I look I see her and it starts me off - I just can't believe I'll never hold her again

orlao

So sorry about Nell.
I can only give you my view - we all have different feelings about these situations.

I would say the individual cremation (actually I've never had the ashes back as I feel that the body is only a shell - human or animal, their spirit is around us) would possibly be less traumatic. It's not easy to bury even a medium sized dog, the hole needs to be deep so that no foxes dig it up (sorry)

Something else to take into account is if you plan to move at sometime in the future. However, there is nothing to stop you planting a plant/tree in her memory, maybe putting some of her ashes in with it?

Also, please try and remember that she is at peace now, animals don't know our plans for them as we take that last trip to the vets and she went to sleep with you at her side. It really hurts now but I'm sure you had her best interests at heart......

foreign_correspondent

So sorry - I think I would go for the cremation for the same reasons as Orlao. I am sorry, it feels so bad right now, I know - I dont think much makes it easier other than time. She was lucky she found you - she was clearly much loved x

spookylukey

Very sorry to hear about Nell, I have always opted for individual creamtion. I don't think either will help your grief as, although it sounds like a cliche, only time can do this. The cremation would mean she can be with you wherever you go in the future and also prevents the distressing act of having to bury her.

I find this poem very moving but oh so true.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The Greatest Gift[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I always knew this time would come,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]From the very instant our eyes first met.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]How I loved you then! How I love you now![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal;[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will not know the loss of a life remembered, now gone.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is for me alone to make this decision,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The price for the bright joy and pure laughter[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You brought me during the time we shared.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I am the only one who can decide when it is time.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When my hope dies, and my fear rides high,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Just when I need you most, I must let you go.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For without your guidance, I will not know[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When to lay my grief, my guilt, my anger[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]My sorrow and my selfish heart aside[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The pain of this moment is excruciating.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For you have spoken and I have listened,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And unlike other decisions I have made[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]This one brings no relief...no comfort...no peace.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For if there´s one thing you´ve taught me,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If there´s only one thing I´ve learned...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Unconditional love has a condition after all,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I must be willing to let you go, when you speak to me[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I must be willing to help you go, if you cannot go alone.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go easily now, go quickly now,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go find your strength, go find your youth.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go find the ones who've gone before you.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I pray I will find comfort in my memories...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]In the dark and lonely days ahead.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For only my tears can heal my broken heart.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]But, I promise you this; as long as I live,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And this will be my greatest gift...sending you away.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is the measure of my unconditional love...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For only the greatest love can say,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]"Good-bye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Loving you has been the greatest gift of all."[/FONT]

weemissy

So sorry about Nell, your heart must be breaking, I opted for cremation for all 3 of my collies, one of the reasons for this was that I knew I would be moving, but its a very personal choice, I didn't even opt for private cremation because I didn't mind them being in with other wee souls, anyway we have our memories. 1 year down the line still sad and the kids still say goodnight to the brightest stars in the sky, but thinking of beginning to look at dogs trust site:)

virgin_moneysaver

spookylukey wrote: »

Very sorry to hear about Nell, I have always opted for individual creamtion. I don't think either will help your grief as, although it sounds like a cliche, only time can do this. The cremation would mean she can be with you wherever you go in the future and also prevents the distressing act of having to bury her.

I find this poem very moving but oh so true.

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The Greatest Gift[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I always knew this time would come,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]From the very instant our eyes first met.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]How I loved you then! How I love you now![/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I made a promise then, and I will keep that promise now...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will not suffer from a pain that will not heal;[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will not know the loss of a life remembered, now gone.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is for me alone to make this decision,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The price for the bright joy and pure laughter[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You brought me during the time we shared.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I am the only one who can decide when it is time.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When my hope dies, and my fear rides high,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Just when I need you most, I must let you go.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is for you alone to tell me when you are ready[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For without your guidance, I will not know[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]When to lay my grief, my guilt, my anger[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]My sorrow and my selfish heart aside[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And give you this last gift, this greatest gift.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Your eyes will speak to mine, and I will know.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]The pain of this moment is excruciating.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Tears stream down my face in a river of sorrow.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And my heart drowns in a pool of grief.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For you have spoken and I have listened,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And unlike other decisions I have made[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]This one brings no relief...no comfort...no peace.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For if there´s one thing you´ve taught me,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]If there´s only one thing I´ve learned...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Unconditional love has a condition after all,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I must be willing to let you go, when you speak to me[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I must be willing to help you go, if you cannot go alone.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And I must accept my pain so you can be free of yours.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go easily now, go quickly now,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Do not linger here, it is time for you to leave.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go find your strength, go find your youth.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Go find the ones who've gone before you.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You are free to leave me now, free to let your spirit soar[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Rest easy now, your pain will soon be gone.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I pray I will find comfort in my memories...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]In the dark and lonely days ahead.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]I cannot say I will not miss you, I cannot say I will not cry.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For only my tears can heal my broken heart.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]But, I promise you this; as long as I live,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]You will live, alive in my mind, forever in my heart.[/FONT]

[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]So I give you this last gift, all I have left to give,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]And this will be my greatest gift...sending you away.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]It is the measure of my unconditional love...[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]For only the greatest love can say,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]"Good-bye, go find the bridge, we'll meet again,[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, sans-serif]Loving you has been the greatest gift of all."[/FONT]

Thank You - as if I haven't sobbed enough today - my husband rang the vets to ask a few questions as we were too upset yesterday - they always close their eyes afterwards and they told us about her next few days and where she is now - whenever I'm upset she would put her head on my leg, wag her tail tentatively and look at me with her enormous chocolate eyes, now shes the reason for my pain and shes not here - I feel absolutly bereft

EmptyPockets

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. Rest in Peace beautiful Nell.

I was also upset by the comment made on another thread, regarding the treatment of certain pets at the vets - however, please do as I have done and put it out of your mind. Don't think about it, because they will be taking good care of Nell and treating her with respect.

We lost our dog in May, and like you said about Nell, our's was my shadow. Always there, always loyal and alert. She was literally our child, our only baby, and we were devoted to her. We keep her ashes in the house and it helped our grieving process immensely. She is still with us, we still talk to her, and if we ever move house, she will come with us as she would have done in life. I hope having Nell's ashes will bring you the same comfort it brought to us.

pimento

foreign_correspondent wrote: »

She was lucky she found you - she was clearly much loved x

This.

It does get easier, I promise. You won't forget but you will be able to remember the nice memories in time.

warez22

I buried by 13 year old golden retriever in my garden. She was put down at home and the hole had already been buried as we knew what was coming (it took 2 hours to dig the hole deep enough).

But I think it was worth it as she has been gone 5 years now and every now and again I can go out there and be with her. I know it doesnt help everyone, but it helps me.

The only downside is, if I were ever to move, I couldnt leave her there, which could cause a quite traumatic situation in itself.

I just think it's a very individual choice, but that was mine..

Take care

scaredy_cat

I had my Spice cat (RIP) cremated, he currently is in a wooden box on my bookcase. When i eventually have a home with a garden, i am going to get a flowering bush in a pot and he will rest in the pot, so that if i move i can take him with me.

emiliah

I'm so very sorry to hear about Nell.

I do know how you feel, but you mustn't feel guilty. You obviously loved her very much and they rely on us to do the right thing and not let them suffer.

I took a great deal of comfort from knowing what lovely lives my dogs had with us - both rescue greyhounds - and although it might seem impossible at the moments, you will soon remember the lovely times you had together.

We brought both our dogs home to bury, and marked them with a little tree or shrub.

I know it's probably the furthest thought from your mind at the moment, but maybe when you feel a little better, going along to a rescue centre and giving one of the poor little souls there a loving home would bring you some happiness.