Wife wont stop spending !!!

MFWannabe

I think you need to do an SOA and sit your wife down with all the figures in black and white so she can truly understand how bad the situation is. You both then need to agree on a plan to get yourselves debt free and the first step is to cut up the credit cards.
But until you both face up to the situation together you will not tackle it.

gonzo127

i also agree that you need to sit down and do a SOA http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html is a really good one, find out exactly where you stand with your finances and then you can show your wife where you stand so you can both make informed choices.

i personally like the idea of getting all your income into one account where your bills etc come out of and then both of you have a seperate account where a pre-agreed amount of allowence if transfered (standing order stright after pay day) to each of you which you can do what you want with, on top of getting rid of your current credit cards - if you both have your own credit cards lead by example and get rid of yours,

to be honest though the only way your wife will get on board is if she has all the information. with you being incharge of the money she currently has got no responsibility and therefore is not likely to stop, if you actually give up total control and share the responsibility for the finances then she should respond a lot better than if you just turn around and demand she stop spending because you cant afford it

Gemmy_2

This is my mum and dads problem. My dad earns the money (my mums a housewife), my mum spends to much of the money. I think part of the problem is - she doesn't really know or wants to know how much money there is and so just spends anyway. I think you just need to sit her down and show her how much in debt you really are. Treat her like a child if you have too.... just get it through to her.

paddy's_mum

Perhaps you could point out that such determinedly iresponsible and unkind behaviour is perfectly capable of destroying a marriage. Maybe you should warn her that if she continues to refuse to conduct herself as a grown woman with a modicum of intelligence and foresight, she may well end up with the most lavish wardrobe but the emptiest life.

I agree very strongly with lynzpower's post number 4 - this is less to do with money than it is with how your conduct your joint lives. The current situation smacks of either blatant stupidity or your wife's determination that the two of you are not equal within the relationship.

Madame - you are not playing fair, are you?!

sassyblue

kafkathecat wrote: »

Er, didn't that happen on another thread only for it to be seen as abuse by many?

I wondered if it was the other threads husband but not unless this OP's also forbidding his wife to go out with a friend, wants to know all her passwords while keeping his secret, won't let her work, threatens her with leaving her with nothing.....

belfastgirl23

Well the first step has to be to talk to her properly about this.

How much have you actually said to her to date? I think things like this are often caused by both partners, she's spending, you're grumbling a bit from time to time but in between ignoring it and just trying to make things work. Maybe you don't really want to confront her properly, maybe you like how she looks in the pretty shoes etc or you just want to give her what she wants.

So I'd say the way to approach it is to think hard about how all of this is making you feel. Anxious and worried certainly. I know I would also feel that she was not hearing what I was saying. Tell her really clearly in words of one syllable how you feel, that you are really unhappy about this and that you are worried that longer term it's going to drive a wedge between you both. It's up to you to say this in a way that she will hear that you mean it. And that it's a threat to your relationship. Then ask her for suggestions about what to do about it. If she gets angry or defensive, remember this is her way of avoiding talking about the issue and try to keep calm, ignore any diversion, and stick to the topic. If she is really too angry to talk about it, suggest sitting down again and pick an actual time depending on how long you think she will need to think about it. But don't let it go. It's too important. This is about the health and future of your relationship, it's worth a bit of discomfort now to get things right.

I would also say though that she needs to come up with the solutions. No matter what, if you come up with them then she's less bought in. She needs to make 2 or 3 sensible suggestions and then you can join in. Don't fall for the 'well I just won't buy clothes ever again' solution either.

Good luck!

paddy's_mum

In fairness to the husband in the other thread ... perhaps that husband had reached the end of the road that the OP in this thread is already travelling on when he describes himself as "desperately" trying to save money and "don't know what to do".

What so many people viewed as abuse could so easily have been the actions of a man loyal to but lumbered with an out of control spendthrift wife who is rushing the entire family headlong into disaster.

I suspect that many, if not most, of us would also act in ways that appear to be cruel, callous or downright nasty if we are faced with our personal armageddon.

What can anyone actually achieve when there's a mountainous problem within the marriage if the other spouse can't or won't meet us halfway?

margaretclare

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Perhaps you could point out that such determinedly irresponsible and unkind behaviour is perfectly capable of destroying a marriage. Maybe you should warn her that if she continues to refuse to conduct herself as a grown woman with a modicum of intelligence and foresight, she may well end up with the most lavish wardrobe but the emptiest life.

I cannot adequately express how much I agree with the comment above. It was what finished off my DH's second ex marriage. Especially when he was made redundant several times over and spent 2 years on unemployment benefits. Just before he finally left her he had come to the end of yet another short-term contract and she insisted on going to get 2 rescued cats and writing a cheque for £20 on their joint account, thereby putting it into the red!

There were other issues as well, but no one can live in a partnership like that. The OP's situation seems to be very similar. There may not be the domestic violence - yet - but there certainly is no communication between them.

pollypenny

You have to be open about your finances and sit down together to work things out, Paul.

Somehow she has to see that her way cannot go on. You could draw on the suggestions made by the Spendaholics programme if you two cannot come up with some strategies of your own.

Good luck.

Reggie_Rebel

She's taking the mick.

Cut the cards up, send her out to work and make her money go into your account.