Week 2 - There's so much we can do.

RubySewSew

Ahhh, thanks you lot. I've been keeping my head down and trying to think it through. I prefer to write when I'm happy and feeling positive. I have been lurching between angry, upset, fired up, determined, righteous, hopeless, despondent and several more. Feeling quietly determined today although feeling a little bit precious (and tearful) about money.

The difficulty I have is that our situation and agreement is quite complex. He owns his own business and has a substantial net income and a lot of extra benefits (clothing, petrol, mobile phone, holidays) which are all paid as 'legitimate' business expenses but supplement his lifestyle significantly. When I say that ipods and prada sunglasses go through the books as legitimate you'll have an idea what I mean. The CSA is redundant in our case as they only have about 4 income brackets and payments are capped at the top one. He can also make deductions for the fact that he has his daughter and his partners 2 other children living with him. Despite the fact that their Dad pays more in maintenance to them than is paid out of the household for my kids. Effectively they are paid for twice whilst the food comes out of my kids mouths. He can also make deductions because our children sleep at his house 50% of the time. The system sees this is as equal whereas the reality is that I pick them up from school every day, feed them, take them to clubs, take time off when they're sick and only work part time during the term so that I can give them the care they need and deserve during the holidays. Effectively, I facilitate my ex to work full time running a successful business at the cost of my own bank balance and career prospects.

On paper he is paying what he 'should' and more besides. Morally there isn't a fair distribution of wealth. He blames his maintenance payments as the cause of him going into debt and having 6 children in a 4 bedroom house and his daughter not having her own room rather than his choices and his extravagant lifestyle. Meanwhile, each month, I am living hand to mouth trying to make sure that we have food and toilet paper. And trying to shield my kids from the situation. I have a cycle of debt caused by bank fees for bounced items. He has never, throughout the whole process provided a statement of affairs. I have never had any legal advice, preferring to avoid conflict and work towards an agreement that is tenable and fair and recognises both of our needs. I have paid all the costs of the divorce and he has paid for legal representation to protect his own interests. I have only ever asked for what we need.

He needs to realise that our agreement isn't exclusively financial. You can't pick and choose which bits you renegotiate. Any change at this stage would make the entire agreement redundant and we will have to go back to the drawing board.

There are 2 things that are scaring me at the moment. One, I cannot afford a solicitor and I don't qualify for legal aid. Two, I think that I am going to have to make a stand that will involve the children. I suspect he will downgrade payments with immediate effect. This would bankrupt me within weeks as my situation is already so fragile. The only thing that I can do to argue this is to withdraw the after school childcare that was part of the agreement. I don't want my kids to get caught up in this and that is what he is counting on. He's being a bully and exerting his power in whatever way he can. His power is financial. Mine is in the support I give him to work and run his business by sacrificing my own career in order to care for our children. I don't want to use this as a weapon.

I've worked so hard to build a relationship built on fairness and respect. To ensure that the children are always comfortable when we are in each other's company. For them to know that we are still parenting them together. That they are loved and cared for and the most important thing in the world. I have made peace with his partner to ensure a smooth passage. I chat to his little girl even though I feel like my heart is breaking every time.

I know that this will come to an end. I'm sure it will turn out ok. I'm sure the worst case scenario will still offer up a wealth of opportunity. I just wish I was there already!

RubySewSew

On the lovely and positive side went to a new friend's house which was stuffed full of beautiful, arty, vintage goodies. Initially, felt jealous and despondent but decided instead to turn it into a positive. Spent the weekend so far cleaning, revamping, rearranging and redecorating with lovely things I already have. Might even take some pics Cheery!

Eager_Elephant

Hi Ruby

I think your ex- husband knows he controls everything and so by reducing the payments you don't know what to do except agree to it.

Could you get a solicitor and then the costs could be paid by your ex-husband as part of the divorce settlement.

You are never going to get what you deserve if you try to fight him by yourself, in the divorce courts it is about the children having the same standard of living as before the split.

I assume you are living in the house which you brought together? If you are maybe you could talk to him about your financial situation and explain things and say that the worst case scenario is bankruptcy etc and see if he can give you the same money as before as surely he does not want you to have a bad credit rating as this may impact badly on the credit which he can get.

Could you go for a Debt Management Plan for now to take some of the pressure off or will this prevent you changing mortgages in the future etc?

If you have any questions let me know.

RubySewSew

What is the universe trying to tell me?!! I have just gone online to print up my course details for new course starting tomorrow only to find out it has been cancelled! So that is another £350 I am down this month! There is definitely something to be learnt here. Tonight I am drinking wine, tomorrow I will be on a motivation drive!!

Helen105

Just called by to see how you are.

Why does your course being cancalled mean you are £350 worse off? Were you teaching it?

Good luck with motivation drive (and no hangover!).

RubySewSew

Yes I was meant to be teaching it. I've just been signed off work for a week with a kidney infection so think this might be a good time to take stock anyway.

mrs_robinson_3

Ruby I am so sorry about the turn of events and I really feel for you. No wonder you've got an infection, you must be pushed to the limit. And yet still your voice of positivity and optimism shines through.

Others who are better at the practical stuff are probably better placed to advise you, but just wanted to send you some hugs and a good vibe. This too will pass......

Mrs R

RubySewSew

Yes it will Mrs R. I always tell my clients that you can't choose what happens to you but you can always choose how you deal with it. I'm taking tiny steps today. From under a blanket on the sofa. With a cup of tea and american re-runs in the background. I have posted a statement of affairs on the families thread - I'd welcome any comments, advise or criticisms. I'm slightly ashamed, embarrassed and overwhelmed by the sheer weight of the numbers that are involved. The simple fact that I have such a vast income but still can't make ends meet makes me feel quite inadequate and quite guilty. Although, actually, in a funny way the magnitude of the numbers makes it harder not easier. I have friends who have mortgages of £300 - bliss! I've kept most of my budgets from the last 10 years and I'm sure my outgoings were payable to a maximum of 5 companies and came to less than a grand. Oh, in the days when budgets were simple and I had a disposable income!

One thing I have considered previously is selling the house and paying off my debts. The major downside to this is that after standard estate agency fees I'd have to swallow a £10k redemption penalty. I suspect I would be better off on benefits but don't know how to find out.

My boyfriend has also bought me https://www.rubysewsew.com and set me up an ebay account so i will have to start listing my goodies and get a holding page up. Had a pretty inspiring weekend in the house to. I'm amazed how many beautiful things I have that just aren't being put to good use so have made a plan to make the most of what I've got. And use this as a portfolio for rubysewsew.com!!

As for the ex-OH - I'm still cooling down. I had a brain dump earlier. I do wonder if he realised quite how critical my situation was he might approach things differently. I'd like to think I could appeal to his better nature but I'm honestly not sure he has one. An emotional appeal first? Or a deferment? Straight in with the big guns?

I do know that my kids are getting the worst of everything at the moment. A grumpy, snappy, tearful mummy. A poorly mummy. A mummy who can't afford to pay for school trips or swimming or harmonica lessons. Or Christmas! A mummy who is so tired from looking after other people's kids that I've got nothing left for them at the end of the day. It's one thing being cash poor and time rich but I'm just poor and poor at the moment! Need to work out what is going to give. At least being ill this week gives me some time to reflect.

Mags30

Hi Ruby, you should use some of the time off to do the MrBig challenges, well not the decluttering until you feel better but most of them can be done with a notebook on the sofa.

If you find one of Memorygirls posts, click on her username, then visit her homepage, it'll bring you to the blog with the challenges.

Boyfriend sounds nice, buying you the domain name was sweet:heartpuls

Eager_Elephant

Hi Ruby

I can't find your post regarding your SOA anywhere, the search function under your name says you have not posted snce 1/10 when I'm actually reading a post dated 4/10 - something wrong there I think.

Can you link to it or tell me exactly where to find it?


EDIT - have found it, they have moved it to debt free wannabee - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/2770720
Thanks

EE