seperating???

POPPYOSCAR

retireby50 wrote: »

Yes, see post 4 above........

Thanks I misread that post the first time.

[Deleted User]

Children are 17 (daughter) in full-time education and going to uni next year and 14 (son), in full-time education.

And yes, I do know the OP, she is my sister. I am trying not to hijack her thread she'll be online soon, but just wanted her to come back to some help and advice. Thank you to those who have posted. x

POPPYOSCAR

It is really good that she has you to help support her.

The chances are she will stay on the home but it is a complex issue and depends on many factors i.e. dependent children, the value of the home, other assets etc. and is I think seen as part of any settlement, so legal advice is paramount.

If he is likely to be difficult she should seek to get any assets frozen as once he finds out she wants to divorce him he may dispose of them very quickly.

She really should get to a solicitor as soon as she can if you think he will cause problems.

clumsymoo

Dave101t wrote: »

after 22 years, are you really going to be able to 'start again', you will lose your family and replace it with...not much.
doesnt this time count as part of the 'for poorer, for worse' part of your vows.
communication is key but if you didnt bother to maintain it through your marriage it may be difficult to start now.

Thanks for that stunner Dave.
As my Sister says, you are making HUGE assumptions. Firstly I didn't mention starting again which makes it sound like I'm just a bored housewife who's looking for a new toy to play with.
I will not lose my family as they are incredibly supportive and very patient. Has it occured to you that they are unhappy too?
You asume that I haven't maintained communication but has it occured to you that it might be the otherway round?
What I will gain is my Sanity.

clumsymoo

Thanks Lilith. I tried to get him to go to relate 14yrs ago when pregnant with my youngest. He refused. That shows you how long I have struggled with this decision.

January20

Dave101t wrote: »

after 22 years, are you really going to be able to 'start again', you will lose your family and replace it with...not much.
doesnt this time count as part of the 'for poorer, for worse' part of your vows.
communication is key but if you didnt bother to maintain it through your marriage it may be difficult to start now.

If she is as lucky as I have been so far in the 10 years since leaving my ex, she will not lose her family and will fill her life with happiness! How patronising of you to assume she hasn't thought through all the options in her marriage, that she hasn't communicated with her husband!

Marriage vows are just part of a contract. Contracts can be cancelled. Nothing wrong with that. Better to do that than spend the next 40 years being unhappy!

POPPYOSCAR

January20 wrote: »

If she is as lucky as I have been so far in the 10 years since leaving my ex, she will not lose her family and will fill her life with happiness! How patronising of you to assume she hasn't thought through all the options in her marriage, that she hasn't communicated with her husband!

Marriage vows are just part of a contract. Contracts can be cancelled. Nothing wrong with that. Better to do that than spend the next 40 years being unhappy!

I have personally never understood those that say you should stay together because you are married.

What is the point of life if you are living everyday as a miserable existence.

January20

To be more useful OP, when I separated from my ex, I was only working part-time too and my dd was 7. It was frightening, but exciting at the same time. I eventually, gradually started working full-time.

You will possibly find it hard to be responsible for everything: all the bills (make a list of all the bills that have to be paid: electricity, gas, council tax, mortgage, insurances, etc.), all the repairs to the property, for instance sourcing people to do jobs, etc but you will get used to it and it is very empowering. For me the worst was getting the car services and MOTed, as my ex always took care of that. You just need to force yourself to do things, put a brave smile on your face and before you know it, it becomes like second nature. Take everything one at a time, and if you can take somebody along for moral support for all the things you find daunting.

If you are going to divorce, choose a solicitor carefully. I chose a woman as I felt more comfortable than with a man. Take your time in making decisions. You will be hurt and fragile, even if this is what you want/ need. Look after yourself and use the support from your sister, family and friends. My friends were unvaluable to me.

I can't think of anything else to say but if you have specific questions, do ask. I'll answer if I can.

January20

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I have personally never understood those that say you should stay together because you are married.

What is the point of life if you are living everyday as a miserable existence.

I totally agree and I also find that on these threads people often jump to the conclusion that the person(s) wanting to separate have not thought it through properly, have not worked hard at their marriage or are suffering from some kind of depression. I find it so patronising! I though about leaving my ex for at least 3-4 years before I went ahead with it and I knew by then there was no hope!

My philosophy is that you have one short life, better make the most of it! Being miserable for the sake of remaining married is not an option.

Oldernotwiser

January20 wrote: »

I totally agree and I also find that on these threads people often jump to the conclusion that the person(s) wanting to separate have not thought it through properly, have not worked hard at their marriage or are suffering from some kind of depression. I find it so patronising! I though about leaving my ex for at least 3-4 years before I went ahead with it and I knew by then there was no hope!

But not everybody gives the matter that much thought and consideration and it would be just as wrong to assume that they have done so. People can and do throw away long marriages on a whim.