Innocent but named as third party in divorce

Zazen999

Zazen999 wrote: »

i think I'd message him back saying 'wow - that was a quick affair - one photo and it's all over? - DO tell her to either get over herself or find the real culprit - I'm not interested either in you or the accusation'...

t_a wrote: »

Hi Zazen
His message wasn't malicious, it was just to let me know that I was potentially going to be named and why. I don't think being abusive towards him will help as he knows nothing happened. I would like to get to his wife, but don't know who she is.
Thanks
Terri

Hi

My message above isn't abusive. I can do abusive, but the message back to him definitely isn't.

It's a lighthearted way of saying 'whatever...' whilst making it plain that you are in no way interested in any of it.

You have no reason to get to the wife, if you have done nothing wrong. If you go blasting in with solicitor's letters it looks dubious [she doth protest too much]...so just laugh it off and move on.

Savvy_Sue

jazzyjustlaw wrote: »

Separation after two years with consent, Desertion after two years and five years separation with consent.

Did you mean 'without' consent?

ceridwen

Had you thought that to come out with such an irrational accusation that she may be generally an irrational person? I am struggling with how to phrase this - so as not to have someone else take offence unjustifiably - but this woman may not be that well at the moment.

She may be seeing a lot of things irrationally as a consequence. If she is - then that fact will be blindingly obvious from the way she is leading the rest of her life. So - I wouldnt worry if I were you. One swallow does not a summer make - nor does one perfectly innocent photo an affair prove.

Ignore her - totally. In your position - I'd have a 10 minute rant of "What a stupid idiot she obviously is - how dare she accuse me of this - oh well...shes quite obviously not thinking straight and that will be clear to everyone" and then think "Right - what was I going to do next today - before she came along throwing stupid comments like that?"

Zazen999

ceridwen wrote: »

I'd have a 10 minute rant of "What a stupid idiot she obviously is - how dare she accuse me of this - oh well...shes quite obviously not thinking straight and that will be clear to everyone" and then think "Right - what was I going to do next today - before she came along throwing stupid comments like that?"

Mine wouldn't even run to that - it would be 'dullards' and then 'what's for tea again?'...

kizzykizzywizzy

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Can I just repeat - if the divorce action is on the grounds of adultery, then the paperwork is prepared in triplicate. One set goes to the petitioner (the wife) one set goes to the respondent (the husband) and the final set goes to the co-respondent (the other woman). It is at this point, as I already pointed out, that Terri can refuse to sign that the paragraph that asks if she admits to being the other woman.

If she refuses, the court WILL NOT just put it through on the nod of the husband, as it were. No divorce court judge in the land is just going to accept that Terri is indeed the other woman without her being offered a full chance to defend herself and refute the accusation.

This is exactly what I was told when I went for a divorce on the grounds of my husbands adultery with a married woman.
The solicitor told me that it was not worth naming her as she doesn't have to agree to it & probably won't as she would then have to pay towards it.
So I just divorced on the grounds of adultery, without her being named & ex signed it - tbh no-one sees it anyway, & as he now lives with her it's pretty obvious to all & sundry what happened!
Please don't worry as I doubt she'll do it, divorce is very expensive, & the costs of trying to name you & then having to start all over again wouldn't be worth it for her.

miss_independent

Terri, just looking on it from an outsider's viewpoint, as others have suggested it is absolutely best to minimize contact (if he tries to contact you via Facebook again) and stay out.

Honestly, if I was the wife, or him and a total stranger was trying to help repair my marriage I would think that either a) this person is guilty and trying to redeem themself or b) they are nosey/weird and should mind their own business! And I'm not saying that to be mean at all, I have no doubt you have the best of intentions. A marriage is such an intimate and personal thing, that a third party becoming involved with little knowledge of the situation can often create more harm than good. It isn't your responsibility at all. As for the kids, this may be hard to understand but some kids actually benefit from their parents divorcing. Imagine if you have grown up in a home with constant bickering, arguments, accusations of affairs when you can't spend time together as a family without your parents having a slanging match and there are constant atmospheres because one is sulking or in a mood with the other. Generally when that happens kids get little attention from their parents except when they are used as a pawn or guilt trip. I speak as someone who was one of those kids. My life was much more stable when my parents where separated and I got one on one attention from both. It really isn't up to you to decide that a marriage is worth rescuing, so don't try and be a hero .

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, I really don't want it to seem that way. Its just, their problems really aren't about you, you have done nothing wrong. There must be some other problems in that marriage which have led to the suspicion and paranoia. I know how it feels to be accused of something that you haven't done. A couple of years ago, I was working on a year long voluntary charity project with quite a few other people. I was only 21 and there was a guy who was about 41 there. He initially tried to flirt with me and I just ignored it because tbh, I thought he was a bit of a joke and I really wasn't interested at all. He came across as very much a single guy. All I really knew about him was that he had divorced 2 years before. After 6 months, there was a charity ball and he came over to me and introduced me to a woman he was with saying, "This is Miss Independent, the one I told you about. She has done such a marvellous job with the project. You should go and visit and see everything she has done." She was very rude to me, had a horrible manner and said "No, I won't be going." but I let it go, thinking it was just a friend of his as there didn't seem to be anything romantic going on.

I had noticed in this time he had become quite close to another girl who was 24. This was after he had flirted with most of the women on the project. However, this girl was besotted with him. One night we went out for a girly night and she confessed she was in love with him. I asked if he had asked her out and she told me that he was engaged and had been living with the woman for a year. It was the woman who had been rude to me! This girl told me that she would never go out with someone who was already taken. Two months later, she text me to let me know that they were living together and she felt it was important that everyone know he split up with his fiancee first and that they had never cheated. This was true, though there was only a month in-between the fiancee getting kicked out and him moving the other girl in.

Not long after, I started getting texts from people I worked with on the project (which was now over) saying they believed this guy and I were together. I explained there was a mix up and on a night out with his new girlfriend mentioned as a joke that I was getting texts asking was I the new woman. "Oh yes," she replies, "His ex told everyone it was you because he used to mention you to her so often. And that night he introduced you to her convinced her there was something going on." She told me that he had told his ex she was crazy for thinking that. Anyway, the following month I was at the funeral of a very dear friend and when I walked in I noticed people where whispering about me. I overheard a very loud, "Yes, thats her. Thats the one he cheated on his fiancee with". Next thing a friend of mine approached and said, "Miss Indie, you're not with x are you?" and of course I said no. By this time there was a large crowd glowering in the corner at me. My friend said, "Well that woman over there is telling everyone that you are and that you forced him to split up with his fiancee and she got thrown out on the streets because of you." I was so hurt by this and embarassed, especially as it was at a funeral. My friend said, "The thing that is driving me mad is that she keeps calling you by a different name and I keep trying to tell her that isn't you and she is having none of it." Of course, she was calling me by the girl he was now with's name. I walked up to this crowd and said, "Can I introduce myself, my name is _. I believe you think I am in a relationship with X I don't know why you think that. He is a friend of mine and he is now with my friend Y. And for the record, he had already broken up with Z when they got together. I am very hurt at how you have behaved today, especially as I have done nothing wrong and I would appreciate it if you would just leave me to grieve for my friend now without you pointing and whispering about me."

Next day, I get a phonecall from his new girlfriend who was very upset because she had heard what happened and had got it into her head that there was something going on between us too! She kept saying, "Why would they think it was you? I can't understand why they would say it was you? Why would there be rumours unless something HAD happened?" It was a blooming nightmare! It also didn't help that he had now started telling his new girlfriend that he thought I was a great girl and asking if I could go round to their house for dinner! Anyway, to cut a long story short it is all alright now but at the time I was very hurt as I am not a tarty, promiscuous person and I am very careful to be respectful at work. If anything I am a bit prim and proper and I think most men think I'm a bit of a prude. I'm not the type to go after a man that was taken and I have worked hard for my good reputation.

Gossip, rumours, they are all so dangerous. IF (and I don't think you will) you do get a solicitor's letter then if it was me I would be going to a solicitor and getting a letter written saying this is libel. Keep out of the marriage situation but do defend your reputation too!

*Louise*

I DON'T think you should try contacting the wife for ANY reason - not even to protest your innocence. All it will signify is that he came running to you with his problems and that won't help quash her suspicions.