Don't want a 16th bithday celebration

heretolearn_2

16th is nothing special. No big party. Offer to let her have a small party at home - with you there to keep an eye out (even if you stay in your bedroom most of the time) and say the big parties come at 18th and 21st.

Mutter_2

These milestones are changing all the time.
Used to be 21, then 18 and now you say 16?

Get away. Woudn't matter to me whether mine was the best or worst behaved girl, it matters not, 16 is not a milestone and she needs that explaining to her.

Normal little gifts and supper with family at local eatery, that's all.

Also, at some time, ask whether she wants 18 or 21 to be her milestone? Otherwise you may cop for both!

You backing down your hol from 2 to 1 week at her demand is worrying.
Who's in charge here, you or her? Seems like she is!
Bet she feels very powerful at taking the family over.
If that's the case, you'd better snatch back control right now.

The only reason I can see for a special celebration at 16, is sex is legal.
Is that what you want? No of course not.
Put the brake on right now.
Take back control. If she doesn't like it, tough!

HelenKA_2

I have read this thread with interest.

I wonder if OP's DD realises that she is really chancing her arm at asking for the party knowing how her Mother feels at present about her behaviour and also knowing that that behaviour isn't really acceptable. Hence the texting rather than asking face to face.

It's really hard being the 'responsible' parent (I mean in relation to BF's parents) but we all know that we need to do it, worth it in the end etc etc.

I think I'd be inclined to try and talk with DD along the lines of 'Well you know getting treats and having fun times esp those that cost time, money and effort are a two way thing. She can't expect that you will expend the t/m and e if she is always stroppy/comparing your parenting to BF's experience/complaining etc. In fact actively prefering not to be in your company.

Decide what you are prepared to do ie meal out for her and two or three friends either with or without you or limited numbers at home for party, something along these lines. Set this out to her in a kindly manner and letting her know it is her choice of these two things that will be happening, or alternatively nothing. BUT in return you need to see a turn around in her attitude to you ie pleasent and friendly, willing to do family things together once in a while, even shop or cook together without attitude.

Keep the family activity short-ish and something not too abhorrent to her. Maybe a film and pizza or family take away eaten watching dvd but I think you need to re-build the relationship between you with these small steps.

The thing is she probably didn't mean for things to get this far in terms of her behaviour towards you but she doesn't really know how to back track without losing face.

My own 16 yr old daughter is very fond of saying she can keep her room how she likes but we say it is your room but it is our house and as such we have a right to have a say in the state of her room. I felt a bit bad that we didn't do anything for her birthday, but then we haven't done anything for anyone's bday this year including our own as we have been in reduced circumstances financially this year. We gave her money which was meant to be for a suitcase of her choosing which we would have gone together to buy - she had expressed this as a wish - but she decided not to bother with the case, just have the money so she hasn't even got something she can say 'I got that for my 16th bday'. But it was her decision so I have had to swallow that.

It's not easy is it? And we still have 3 DD's to go!

mintymoneysaver

HelenKA wrote: »

I wonder if OP's DD realises that she is really chancing her arm at asking for the party knowing how her Mother feels at present about her behaviour and also knowing that that behaviour isn't really acceptable. Hence the texting rather than asking face to face.

The thing is she probably didn't mean for things to get this far in terms of her behaviour towards you but she doesn't really know how to back track without losing face.
!

I think this is exactly what happens a lot of the time. My daughter was once again rude to me last night so I switched the tv off, told her to leave her phone with me and sent her to her room. Not something I've done in a long, long time but it did end up with her knocking on my bedroom doo and apologising later. I don't know if it's really done any good but it made me feel better!

LilacPixie

I wouldn't give her a party.

SugarSpun

I would sit down with her and ask her exactly why she thinks you should pay for a big party. Chances are she'll tell you it's because it's her birthday and it's a milestone and it's important to her and everyone does it for their kids. And you can respond asking where you as her parents fit into her scenario - are you just mobile cash machines? She will of course respond, No, and you can explain calmly that her behaviour is selfish and hurtful. Tell her how her comments and behaviour make you feel and then make a counter-offer: dinner out with family and maybe a couple of friends for her birthday this year, improved communication and behaviour from all of you, including some time spent together - DVD and takeaway nights sound great for this, and then for her 18th she can have the massive party.

Tell her that you love her and you want her to be happy, but that her happiness can't come at the expense of yours.

If the boyfriend's parents throw her the massive party, so be it. You're not paying for it and you've laid your cards on the table. Chances are she'll strop about it now, but when she gets a bit older she'll appreciate it.

LilacPixie

TBH I wouldn't even sit her down and ask why she thinks she deserves a party. A quick, you are acting like a spoilt brat, brats do not get treats. A party is a treat. If you start acting like an adult you can have on for your 18th but not until then.

I really don't think a compromise is really needed or indeed helpful. The daughters behaviour is not acceptable to her parents. The daughter has a list of wants and the family has already compromised and had a shorter holiday than usual for the daughter yet still her behavious is abhorrent. What next Mum i want a brand new car, oh no sweetie you can't have that, how about a 3 year old one instead??

piratefairy

SHe's 15, not 3. She knows her behaviour is unacceptable. It must be clear from the way she is always being told it's not acceptable.
Just explain to her that she is not having a party, and if she has learnt how to behave in a mature way by the time she is 18, she may well be allowed to have one then.

HAd my behaviour been like hers at 15, I'd never have dreamt of asking my parents fro anythign - to be fair, I didn't often anyway. She will need to learn some responsibility and independance, or will be in for a shock when she enters the real world!

Mr.Mulla

Please don't let her emotional blackmail on you affect you. Or even if it does, try your best not to let her see it because her behavior will just become worst.

If I were you, I'd stick to my original plan of a simple dinner out and will not bend to her demands until she has learned to show some respect.

Crisp_£_note

Say NO and leave it at that. She will most likely go and get it of BF parents anyhow.

Go out for the family meal, if she choses to join you great if she doesnt come its her loss your celebrating giving birth to her 16 years ago.

Does she want a part to look cool infront of her friends?
If she gets the party whats she going to do be a stroppy child all night and say it was the worst party she ever had and you embaraced her infront of all her friends?

You said she has a small group of friends so why hire a big hall? Surely she doesnt want her family turning up?

Does she only have a small gang of friends who can cope with her stroppyness and all others stay away as they wouldnt be seen with such a madam or dream of acting such childishly infront of their parents and peers?

I would say NO to any party and leave it at that.

Alternative options are -
she gets a job and pays for it herself.
You give her xx amount of money and she can organise a night out with her mates (bowling / skating / cinema and a meal at a theme resteraunt (TGI, smith & western etc) or something.
Tell her her BF should take her out for a meal so you can have a quiet night in to reminice on the day shewas born and how it could be so different!
You organise a family and friends BBQ for her and a day trip and a meal out as a family another day.

I think she is just being pushy and seeing what your limit is. As BF parents clearly have none she has lost her boundaries. I hope it doesnt escalate into WW3.

Good luck.