Don't want a 16th bithday celebration

fiscalfreckles

neneromanova wrote: »

Also I would talk to her BF's parents and say that you are not letting her have a party and you don't want them paying or sorting anything out like that.

Hmm, I hope they don't. Trouble is, we don't really get on - I've tried talking to them about other things before and they just say yeah, yeah, then ignore me.

I just know my DD will play the "poor little me, aren't my parents awful" card to them - and they will probably sympathise!

But I can't do anything about that.

Thanks for the support everyone. I just need a push to stand up for what I think.

Fang_3

Don't give her one then. If she doesn't want to be part of the family then tell her to frig off.

Oldernotwiser

DKLS wrote: »

I'd tell her, oh sorry I didnt think you wanted anything to do with me, so me and your dad are off for a long weekend in barcelona instead.

Only to be recommended if you really want to come home and find your house trashed!

DKLS

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Only to be recommended if you really want to come home and find your house trashed!

I should have added, whilst parents are enjoying the sights and sounds of barca, the stroppy one would be off loaded at nearest weird auntie/granny for the weekend.

Pixiechic

Hi,

I wouldn't allow her to have a big party, certainly not with an attitude like that.

I can't believe that you cut your holiday short for her too. It does sound like you might have spoilt her.

She expects a lot and doesn't even have to be polite in order to get it. If you keep spoiling her you will only serve to bring up an awful, ungrateful, selfish child and probably worse when an adult.

Put your foot down for once, you never know, one day she might thank you for it! If you reward her bad behaviour and attitude with a big party then she has no reason to change.

MaidMarianofNottingham

I haven't forgotten how it feels to be 15 with a boyfriend and with a family who 'don't understand me'. Adolescence affects us all differently and it's not helpful to enter into a challenging war with her.
My view, which seems may be contrary to many posts, is look at the longer term perpective and the benefits you can both achieve.
You do not want this party but she does; so how best to turn this negative situation, a stand off, for you both into a positive?
She's flexing her wings and you need to show her that she does not enjoy the monopoly on points of view but without being too heavy handed.
Share your point of view with her: that you'll be funding her 16th celebration and give her an indication of what is financially appropriate and negotiate the celebration with her. Give her your choices and ask her for hers, one is the big party, what are her other preferences?

She does need to learn that 'I want' does not mean 'I get' and to learn the adult art of negotiating. This is a very good opportunity to help her to practise rational discussion where both sides give territory and in exchange receive respect.
If this is the first time you have attempted the art of negotiating with her then expect sulks and unkind words but be assertive and keep calm and remind her that this is practise for a skill all adults need to develop. This way perhaps she will appreciate that you are treating her as a young adult and show you the respect you deserve.

fiscalfreckles

Pixiechic wrote: »

Hi,



I can't believe that you cut your holiday short for her too. It does sound like you might have spoilt her.

She expects a lot and doesn't even have to be polite in order to get it. If you keep spoiling her you will only serve to bring up an awful, ungrateful, selfish child and probably worse when an adult.

Put your foot down for once, you never know, one day she might thank you for it! If you reward her bad behaviour and attitude with a big party then she has no reason to change.

We didn't cut our holiday short, but booked one week rather than two as a compromise, after taking everyone's views into account. If we had given in to her we wouldn't have gone at all.

This business about the party is not "putting my foot down for once"; I frequently do so, which she resents. I merely asked other's opinions this time as she was making me feel that I was being unreasonable (as its her 16th), and as I try to be fair and measured I wanted some reassurance that I wasn't (unreasonable)!

fiscalfreckles

MaidMarianofNottingham wrote: »

I haven't forgotten how it feels to be 15 with a boyfriend and with a family who 'don't understand me'. Adolescence affects us all differently and it's not helpful to enter into a challenging war with her.
My view, which seems may be contrary to many posts, is look at the longer term perpective and the benefits you can both achieve.
You do not want this party but she does; so how best to turn this negative situation, a stand off, for you both into a positive?
She's flexing her wings and you need to show her that she does not enjoy the monopoly on points of view but without being too heavy handed.
Share your point of view with her: that you'll be funding her 16th celebration and give her an indication of what is financially appropriate and negotiate the celebration with her. Give her your choices and ask her for hers, one is the big party, what are her other preferences?

She does need to learn that 'I want' does not mean 'I get' and to learn the adult art of negotiating. This is a very good opportunity to help her to practise rational discussion where both sides give territory and in exchange receive respect.
If this is the first time you have attempted the art of negotiating with her then expect sulks and unkind words but be assertive and keep calm and remind her that this is practise for a skill all adults need to develop. This way perhaps she will appreciate that you are treating her as a young adult and show you the respect you deserve.

Thank you for your suggestions, all sounds very well but of course it is not the first time I have "attempted the art of negotiating with her" . I live eternally in hope that we will, even sometimes, have a reasonable discussion but at the moment she is very difficult.
I won't stop trying but don't think she is going to change overnight.

mintymoneysaver

I think sometimes we forget how we spoke to our parents in the height of teenage strops. I have a lovely 16 ( almost 17)year old daughter, but some of the things she says in the height of teenage PMT have brought me to tears. I've just had a week's holiday that she really did spoil for me, as there was no one there for her to talk to etc. I know this isn't really about the party but I guess I just wanted people to get off their 'I would never talk to my parents like that' high horse, she's stretching her boundaries, pushing her luck and waiting to see how far she can go. In years to come they'll thank us for being firm but fair.
But in answer to the question, no I wouldn't let her have a big party. My daughter did have a 16th in our house, with about 20 friends, I even bought them a limited amount of alcohol ( as we're kidding ourselves if we pretend 16 year olds don't drink. I certainly did!) but she'd earned it, and they had a great time, and tidied up afterwards! The deal was we would go out for the evening, but I would be back by 11 and go straight to my bedroom, and I wanted them all gone by 12.30. It worked a treat, but I knew I could trust her.

Fuzzy_Duck

Honestly mintymoneysaver, I didn't talk to my parents that way. I'm only 22 now so it's not like my teenage years were that long ago. I had my fair share of teenage angst, but that only involved the slamming of doors and occasional "you don't understand me" sobs. There was no way I'd have said such things to my parents, but maybe that's because I was fully aware I'd have been out of my a**e if I did.

I think the thing to keep in mind is OP's daughter is obviously a little angel with her boyfriend's parents, so why can't she show the same respect towards her own parents? We've all advised OP to put her foot down and make her daughter see that she's not taking that nonsense anymore- she probably will scream and shout about how unfair it all is at the time, but when she realises it doesn't do any good she'll soon stop, and as you say she'll thank her parents for being firm in the future.

Whilst not advising it absolutely loved Pepzofio's response. I know it's tongue in cheek but if you actually said it, you'd win the argument outright and perhaps give her some serious food for thought.