Don't want a 16th bithday celebration

fiscalfreckles

My DD has been a bit of a handful of late. She is very rude to me & has spent most of the school holidays at her boyfriend's house or out with friends. If I suggest we do something together, I am met with comments like "Why would I want to do something with YOU?!" She says she prefers it at his house (he has very free & easy parents to whom I compare unfavourably!). She moaned like crazy about coming away to Spain with us for a week & sounded really spoiled & ungrateful. We would have liked to go for two weeks but cut it down so she wouldn't miss her bl**dy BF! Basically I feel she only talks to me at the moment when she wants something.

Anyway.

She will be 16 in September. She has just asked me (by text!!) if she can have a big party, hiring a hall, having bands playing etc. She knows some friends who would play for free.

I feel quite negative about the whole thing, I wasn't planning on a big party as she only seems to have a smallish group of friends (because she spends all her time with her BF.) And I feel resentful that she has been difficult about everything we try to do as a family and don't think she deserves it. And it would be expense & hassle that I just don't feel inclined to go to for her. I was planning on a special meal out or day out instead.

But she will hate me even more if I say no. I'm sure a lot of it is these daft programmes on TV about My Super Sweet 16th!

I'm afraid this is one of those "Am I being unreasonable?" posts....! And how can I word it & find an alternative?

talulahbeige_2

Tell her once she starts behaving like an adult at home she can have an adult party (alcohol free of course!)

Chakani

I would be telling her an only very slightly edited version of exactly what you have just written, to be honest. Maybe you could offer a compromise, or a way that she can "earn" what she wants (if you feel that what she wants is reasonable). Or perhaps that you will make a contribution of time and/or money that you feel is fair, and let her organise the rest.

*max*

Tell her she can have a party. As long as she pays for it herself.

GEEGEE8

No way does she deserve a big party!

Tell her that she can have one at age 18 or 21.. and only if she sorts out her attitude and shows a bit of respect!

Tssssk, kids! lol.

Fuzzy_Duck

Honestly, my reaction is you're right to say no. I'd have been thrown out of the house and told not to come back until I'm sorry if I spoke to my parents that way! Tell her she needs to learn some respect before you will even consider letting her have a party. If she throws a strop, tough. Have the birthday meal you planned anyway and make a point of enjoying it, even if she sulks the whole time. It sounds harsh but I'm sure she'll then realise how foolish she's been.

If she does cotton on and behave like an angel, I would let her have the party, with less people and in a cheaper venue etc. If she doesn't like it, I'd suggest she get a part time job and pay for it herself.

My Sweet 16th is a load of egotistical nonsense for rich American parents anyway. She shouldn't be having a big fancy party until she's 18, and that's assuming she's started acting like a adult rather than a child by then.

euronorris

Tell her that a Birthday party is a privilege, not a right, and as she has not been behaving very well lately she can't have one at present. However, if her behaviour improves (and this needs to be clearly defined), then she can have a party and that the budget will be decided by you and her father.

If she doesn't like those options, then she can still chose to a) have no party at all, or b) pay for it herself, which leads her back to option a)!

I had a 16th Birthday party at home. It was still great fun, and no, there is no way in h'll my parents would've done that if I'd been acting the way she is!

Another alternative is to insist on a party at home (if you're confident her friends won't wreck it) for her 16th, but that she can have a party in a hall for her 18th. And she can contribute to the cost of her 18th as she should at least be working part time by then.

Pepzofio

Tell her of course she can have the party - as long as she finances and organises it herself...

Afterall, WHY would she want YOU to have anything to do with it???

Or maybe her BFs amaaaaazing parents could organise & pay for it for her - they're bound to come up with something way cooler than you anyway! :rotfl:

Seriously though, there's teen angst and then there's just being a stroppy madam. I always thought my parents compared unfavourably in the cool stakes compared to my friends', but there is no way I would have been that rude to them and then expected them to shell out for an extravagant party for me!!! If you let her have the party without some serious improvements in her attitude your just reinforcing her behaviour.

If it's any consolation, as I've got older I've definitely come to appreciate them a lot more, and actually think they are much more supportive than those 'cooler' parents from my teen years, who I look at now and actually think are a bit disfunctional...

ETA: There's no way I would have been that rude to them FULL STOP.:o

euronorris

I think the whole 'My sweet 16th' thing is a bigger deal in the US as that is when most of them can learn to drive there.

Oldernotwiser

Nothing special about a 16th birthday - tell her that if she wants American customs she should move to the States!

Errata

Do you really want to play t1t for tat with your DD ? If you do, prepare for a very long game.