What to wear to a memorial service

meritaten

my own personal wish is for people to wear bright colours at my burial - I cant say funeral service as I havent any plans for one. I want bright colours and to be buried and then everyone can gather and if they wish to party thats fine by me!
I dont want to cause offence - but I have left strict instructions that there is to be NO religous involvement at all!
so bright colours, loads of flowers (but can I have some BEFORE I pass please?) and no weeping! my burial will celebrate my life (I hope).

clairehi

I am sure the family would not mind a quick phone call to check.

I went to a funeral recently, most people there were in usual smart funeral attire ie black/dark coloured suit or skirt and plain blouse etc.

I noticed that the close family were in more casual clothes, although did not think much of it. However after the service one of the other guests told me that we were "supposed" to have all come in bright colours - but the message obviously did not get through to the majority of people which was a shame.

If you are going to have a non-traditional funeral dress code then you need to make sure people know. for a memorial service I would probably wear similar to a funeral unless specifically told otherwise.

pollypenny

Just returned from a funeral; everyone was in dark, formal clothes. One or tow dress, with a pattern, but mostly in suits.

Excellent post from inkie.

Brighton_belle

This has been a very interesting discussion and I have appreciated all points of view.
One thing that has been over looked is that for example, I do not own any smart skirt or trouser suits or anything in black or navy and I am on a very low income. I have one smart summer (dress and cardie) outfit that has to last a least 3 years and cover all social functions.
I wouldn't find the suggestion to dash out to primrk and get a cheap black outfit 'just in case' particularly respectful to the deceased given any cheap clothes are quite probably made by child labour.

So what does one do? (This is a hyperthetical question).
I have been to 2 funerals and a memorial this year (having not had any such event of over 20 years) and I know the families were very appreciative of my presence at each. It cost quite a lot to get to two of those events and I have not had the money to a have holiday in years. That to me is showing respect to those that have passed, and care for their loved ones. Being there. And keeping in touch after. Long after.
I really wouldn't have realised I might cause offence in other parts of the country by not wearing black/navy. I would hate to unwittingly cause offense, so thanks for letting me know.

Savvy_Sue

If you don't feel able to contact the family, you could always see if you can contact the Funeral Directors and / or the church where the service is taking place.

It is quite hard to let 'everyone' know if there's a particular dress code you'd like observed: Mum made it clear she didn't want us in black for Dad's funeral, but we didn't put that in the newspaper announcement, we just told people as best we could.

And even though people tend to be upset at a funeral, there's a part of me which thinks (especially in relation to Brighton Belle's question), that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind. As long as you turn up looking as if you made an effort, I think there are very few places where offence would be caused if you weren't in black. I can't imagine that people would expect you to go out and buy an outfit just for that.

belfastgirl23

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

And even though people tend to be upset at a funeral, there's a part of me which thinks (especially in relation to Brighton Belle's question), that those who mind don't matter, and those who matter won't mind. As long as you turn up looking as if you made an effort, I think there are very few places where offence would be caused if you weren't in black. I can't imagine that people would expect you to go out and buy an outfit just for that.

I think that's absolutely spot on. I interpreted the OPs initial question as being about her feeling comfortable and feeling like she fitted in. And no matter what, at a funeral you will get a lot of people in muted colours and you will feel you've dressed ok. But I also know from close relatives funerals I've attended we were just really grateful that people came, even if it was in their working jeans, it really was the thought that counted. I was at one recently where the deceased had been someone who would have been almost a street drinker had it not been for his dad. His friends from the streets turned up wearing what they were wearing really. But it was still appreciated that they came.

meritaten

I understand you are on a very tight budget hun, I have been in that situation myself. but I HAVE always tried to ensure that I have at least one pair of black trousers or skirt and a black or white top or even the proverbial 'little black dress'. I usually find them in charity shops and get the whole thing for under ten pounds.
perhaps because I KNOW of the strict dress code in this part of the country, but also because I find a good basic black outfit can be dressed up or down to suit the occasion.
I dont think anyone would actually comment on your attire at the funeral - but it would certainly be gossiped about behind your back - and I did actually feel at one funeral that the persons stepson showed complete disrespect by turning up in tartan trousers and what looked like a frilly pink ladies blouse (the tartan was red and clashed awfully with the pink blouse). I felt dreadful for the deceaseds family, and this lad (in his mid teens) was the subject of a lot of disapproving stares!

just read the above post and had to say this.
a few years back a young man from up the street died of a heroin overdose. his junkie friends all came to the funeral - all of them dressed appropriately!
I dont approve of the view that you should forgive bad manners by being grateful the person is there.............everyone else made the effort to show respect..........so should they!!! its not asking much is it???