She saves everything... I mean EVERYTHING

madauri

V_Chic_Chick wrote:

I haven't read the whole thread, but I suggest watching 'How Clean is Your House' with her.

Also, you don't mention how old she is but could it be something to do with dementia?

Can't see that programme with her I am afraid. I think my sister has cable, I'll suggest that to her for when my mother's at my sister's.

No dementia, I am sure. But she's spent a great deal of her life stressed and depressed. Somebody mentioned here that may be a factor.

madauri

I feel for you, Annando. It is a problem and the fact that they are in denial makes it worse. Like you, I cannot do much about it because I now live in another country, but my sister sees my mother very often. She's begged me for help, she's desperate! The fact that your brother is away from the rest of the family is bad, because friends are never the same - well, they have their own families and all.
Next month when I see my mother I have to stay at her place. She is beginning now to dig out my old bed from under all the stuff piled on top. I am going to try the "health and safety" approach and see if it works: I am sure throwing things away without telling her would worsen things, and I've told her lots of times that this situation only makes her life more and more difficult; so I'll point out to her that the owner of the flat might become alarmed if they see the way it's going and see if I can cut a deal with her. I seriously doubt I'll have time in one week to do a good cleanup, but she doesn't listen to my sister at all, so maybe I can just start the job and make things easier so that my sister can go on with it, slowly.
Who do you reckon your brother trusts more, Annando? Can you get them to have a good talk to him?
um beijinho x

Turning_into_scrooge

I came across a man many years ago, a lovely man who had been in a concentration camp in the war because i think he was Jewish, anyway his house was full of newspapers any kind of paper he could find but not just paper he had one side of his living room full of sugar and tinned food. He was storing for another war and a way to hide if 'they' came again. I wondered if there could of been anything traumatic that happened with your mum that triggered this off. This gentleman had no family left so he came over here and built a life for himself and no one to help him such as you and your sister, he never married. Have you tried having a chat with your mums doctor ? The thing is though you cannot force a person to have help unless of course you section them, Are the papers so bad that you cannot allow her to live with them?

madauri

lynzpower wrote:

what you are saying is that she has been like this for years. No one died from being surrounded by leaflets, but what else is there to it. Im not being argumentative, Im just suggesting a clearer way of looking at things.

I see your point and appreciate it. It's only that this has not happened from one day to the other, in the last few years it's become much worse. And it's not only leaflets, I mentioned them as a sample. But she does pretty much like jet's relative, including the bit of the fridge! What about that? I am horrified of opening it, have been for the last five years. Should I just empty it, throw away the whole contents and fill it again from scratch? I would, but there's something in this scheme that tells me it wouldn't work. I think it's like giving money to the cattle so that they go and buy their own hay.

I guess she feels lonely, and she says she misses me a lot. But she rejects all suggestions. She won't even come to see me here and argues she's unhealthy. I don't have much to say against that, and I am not going to force her to come. But I simply cannot spend the whole of my spare time with her. She eats OK and she doesn't do much - she doesn't have the energy. She used to have problems to sleep, but recently she's gone the other way round and sleeps a lot. I consider it a step to recovery from her depression and I am not against that. But there must be a way to put her in track towards something else. I don't really want to control her, it's more like the other way round: she uses her problems to blackmail us emotionally. So whenever she complains of anything, if we give her a solution she'll automatically reject it.

Yes, she does live in Spain, it's my place of origin, I chose to move to Britain a couple of years ago. She won't go to a support group for anything because she feels too tired to go anywhere. But you've given me an idea; I know of some people that maybe, if I ask them for help, might have some ideas to give me or provide some support (that would be extremely kind of them, but they are brilliant people so I'll ask).

My sister phoned me in tears recently about that. Yes, it is very stressful, especially when you are near. I am miles away, but I can't just ignore it. The problem exists.

Janepig

Sorry, I haven't really got any worthwhile advice, but my mum used to drive me mad (she's passed away now) with the moaning but not allowing you to help thing. I never knew what to do for the best. Even when I was a child she'd moan bitterly about being left to cook sunday lunch, but then I'd go out the kitchen to help and she'd throw me out. She also always used to complain that my dad never wanted to go on holiday that's why they never went anywhere, and he used to complain that she never wanted to go anywhere. Anyway, since she passed away, he's been to Hong Kong, Gran Canaria and swimming with dolphins in Mexico aged 72 so I'm kind of thinking he was right and she was wrong!!!!

I still miss her though.

Jxxx

Annando

Hi Madauri,

I must say my brother is very protective of his own privacy and doesn't really trust any of us, don't ask me why... it has always been like that ever since he was a child! I am trying to get close to him and call him every couple of days, last time I was in Brussels I helped him clean his apartment and get rid of stuff. I could see how distressed he was with the whole thing, on the one hand he could see that he could not carry on like that, but on the other he couldn't help himself! He always came up with excuses as to why I couldn't through things out!

He hasn't got many friends left, and he doesn't seem to see much of the ones he still has, I think isolation is a common denominator in all these stories.

I speak to my mum several times a week and she keeps asking me how my brother is, I tell her that he is ok but that she should call him and ask him herself how he is... She is terrified of calling because it is so stressful for her, she is a young 71, active running her own antique shop and going about her business, but I know this situation depresses her terribly.

Madauri, have you tried reverse psichology with your mother? You say she rejects any proposals... why don't you present a solution as something not fesable? She might take the bait!

madauri

Humm... that's a different idea. I'll have to turn it over, though. I can't imagine what I could propose in that way at the moment.

Contains_Mild_Peril

Janepig wrote:

Even when I was a child she'd moan bitterly about being left to cook sunday lunch, but then I'd go out the kitchen to help and she'd throw me out.

My dear grandma (RIP) used to do that too! Once, I got permission to make scarmbled eggs, but I accidentally dropped a raw egg, and she shouted "I thought you said you knew how to make scrambled eggs?!" :rotfl:
P.S. sorry that was off topic!