She saves everything... I mean EVERYTHING

madauri

Looking for some opinions and ideas that might help me with a serious issue.
In a couple of weeks I'm visiting my mother and I know it's going to be hard because of her stuff.
The thing is, she keeps everything for as long as possible and does not discard useless stuff. Lately the situation has worsened so much that she will take, let's say a leaflet from the supermarket. No, she'll take three. One for her, another for my sister (which she never gets to give her), and another just in case. When they are dated, she still doesn't throw them away. If my sister or I try to throw them away, her reaction goes from asking to leave them where they were because she wants to review them (!) to going raw furious. She lives alone but every corner of her apartment is full of stuff. I reckon more than half of the things that are around in her place are useless papers. It's not only papers, but she collects a lot of those.
Then she will complain she can't do much on her own, but if you offer your help she doesn't want you to touch anything. Then she complains she's poorly, but if you offer again she refuses because she feels harassed. My sister and I are at a loss, and I know we must tackle this somehow in my next (snifff) "holidays" there next month. But I can't do much in a week and, honestly, the only I can think of is removing her from the place for a couple of days and start digging. And that is like asking for the moon.
I feel depressed every time I think of the trip. Her life could be so much simpler if she let go of just a part of that, but she won't let us help, yet she keeps complaining. Everytime I go down there I come back drained.

Any suggestions?

Contains_Mild_Peril

I don't know... I thought I was a terrible hoarder (and I probably am), but even I don't keep spare copies of all my old leaflets!
Don't ever try to throw her rubbish away without her permission - you'll just make her mad, and she will probably then feel that she can't trust you to help her with tidying and stuff. Maybe you could try getting her a book or DVD about decluttering which shows people whose homes were very cluttered feeling much happier about their surroundings once their stuff is more manageable, and if she also sees case-study "before" and "after" pictures, she might decide that the less cluttered version looks much nicer and easier to maintain. If that gets her open to the idea, you could then tactfully offer to assist with the task, without making her feel under pressure.

MrsMondragon

This story reminds me of my grandmother. She hoards all types of junk. If you dont want it, she definitely will! She lives in a four bedroomed house (all alone) and has crammed it full of junk. Now shes moaning that she needs her loft converted so she can have some extra storage space. Shes even packed her garden shed with junk. Even if she moved into an eight bedroomed house, im sure she wouldnt have any trouble filling it. Whenever she needs anything, she can never find it. Shes always on about having such and such and then saying she cant find it. Pretty pointless hoarding junk, if you know you arent ever going to use it. She doesnt like giving any of her stuff away either. A few times when shes been abroad we have given the house a bit of a clean, but tbh its got past the stage of cleaning. A few years back when we did a bit of a tidy up we threw out two black bins bins of shoes alone, not to mention the other twenty or so black bags of various other junk. She was not very happy when she came back. The only way that house is going to be habitable is to call in Rentokil! Its a really nice house but unfortunately looks awful with all the junk. She keeps saying that the stuff will be useful "one day". When is one day?

madauri

You're right CMP, she'd go rabid. I don't know about the book/video idea. I tried once with a book and she doesn't regard any of it applicable to herself therefore desestimates the idea without trying. Plus the problem is not the clutter anymore, it is that she does not see it as clutter but as essentials!

Contains_Mild_Peril

ts_aly2000 wrote:

Ditto (((((((hugs)))))) Collects junk, complains, you feel drained, try to help. It's exactly the same here.

Let's start a list, this applies to both my parents;
Plastic bags
Newspapers
Empty packaging
A 1902 Truimph Motorcycle in bits
A 1950's CycleMaster * 2
A Rover P6 in bits
Garden Sheds * 3 (full of bags of rubbish)
Magazines (brimming out of sheds)
Old Ford Fiesta (in bits)
Old Bed clothes
Rubber Washing Up gloves

The list goes on...

What particularly gets me here is that if we try and help she starts crying. It is literally JUNK, and not even organised junk.

Whenever one shed gets full, they simply buy another one!! We're talking proper 10'x8' sheds just so full you can't even get to the things at the back.

Please don't worry about it madauri, you're not alone.

Oh... and books and literature. Jane Eyre 1st edition for example. Not just a few treasured books here and there, but HUNDREDS of them. Don't even mention Self-Help books....

If it's really old stuff, show them the sort of money it could make on eBay. Even rubbish like newspapers and food packaging can be collectable if they're old enough. The potential pitfall is that they might then decide that they were right to hoard stuff, and that it's a good idea to keep current rubbish until it gets collectable! If you could find an enthusiast who could possibly reassemble the old motorbike, they might be prepared to part with it if they know it's going to a loving home.
I really hope they keep their books in the house: a shed is unlikely to be a suitable environment. Damp, frost and insects could be potential problems.
As for stuff accumulating in sheds, well, in most cases it's better than it cluttering the house isn't it? (Or did they fill they house first?) If it's just in sheds, then it's not really in anybody's way, so I would leave them to it.
I confess I'm actually sort of on the other side of the fence here: my mother has always had an unhealthy obsession with throwing things out, so I sort of overcompensated and grew up into something of a compulsive hoarder.

Ice_Queen_112

OP don't know whether you may find some of this link helpful? Slightly different way of looking at compulsive hoarding.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2002539964_healthhoarding05m.html

Becles

If she is happy living among junk and collecting "rubbish", what's the harm?

My Grandad collects all sorts of stuff. He recently took my aunt's bannisters when they were replaced "just in case". How many times do you need an emergency bannister?

Keeps him happy though, so we just let him get on with it!

Chrisca50

Tell her all the junk is a fire hazard and its all too dangerous and she must do a de-clutter? If she lives in a council property perhaps you could frighten her into clearing it out cos its against her tenancy agreement and the council might insist on sending someone in to clear it. Maybe frightening her into doing something herself is easier than trying to do it behind her back knowing she will flip. I feel for you. My hubby has filled our garage with lots of 'junk', we have lived here for 18 years and we have never had a car in there for all this time!!!

madauri

Becles wrote:

If she is happy living among junk and collecting "rubbish", what's the harm?

My Grandad collects all sorts of stuff. He recently took my aunt's bannisters when they were replaced "just in case". How many times do you need an emergency bannister?

Keeps him happy though, so we just let him get on with it!

She is not happy living like that and she can barely move around the flat because of it.

madauri

Chrisca50 wrote:

Tell her all the junk is a fire hazard and its all too dangerous and she must do a de-clutter? If she lives in a council property perhaps you could frighten her into clearing it out cos its against her tenancy agreement and the council might insist on sending someone in to clear it. Maybe frightening her into doing something herself is easier than trying to do it behind her back knowing she will flip. I feel for you. My hubby has filled our garage with lots of 'junk', we have lived here for 18 years and we have never had a car in there for all this time!!!

Ta. I wish she had a garage or a garden, although she'd probably have filled those first.
She is a tenant and the owners of the whole block are a big company, so I could take your idea and tell her the company'd throw her out if they find out. That's a fear I have myself. She'd never find another place to stay with the ridiculous income she has!
I know only if she becomes convinced some action must be taken now she'll let us help. I don't want to make her part with anything she wants to keep, but there are things that she should realise are simply garbage.

madauri

Ice_Queen_112 wrote:

OP don't know whether you may find some of this link helpful? Slightly different way of looking at compulsive hoarding.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2002539964_healthhoarding05m.html

Thank you, it was interesting.
Maybe I'll be able to talk her into visiting a doctor. She's depressive and difficult to deal with and could do with that sort of help. The difficult thing will be to convince her.