She saves everything... I mean EVERYTHING

grade15

madauri: my mum is the same..she keep everything and doesn't want to throw things away and she whings saying no one helps but when u help her..she says these are her things!! its a no win situation..!!!
i think its something to do with their childhood..where she never had anything and now that they have grown up..they keep everything because she didn't have anything before!!!

I tend and hope to throw things..which are (completely useless and do not need her opinion) behind her back!! or recycle or charity shops or even ebay..!! :dance: sell some stuff and give her all the profits..i'm sure she wouldn't mind the money!!

C_Ronaldo

madauri ask your mother if she has used any of the stuff, coz if she hasnt used it by now she never will, does she not see any neighbours or anyone, does she nip round for a coffee/tea,

grade15

i know!!!
a rule of thumb..if you are not going to use it in 1 yr..then you best bet is to sell it or throw it away!

madauri

Thanks for the ideas. Yes, I agree it has something to do with the fact she is overanxious about what she does not have. She's always kept things "just in case", but it's become ludicrous now. Since I was taught that way, I used to do the same, but I also spent many years living in such a small room that I had to learn decluttering and efficient management of space for my own sanity. I apply that rule of thumb, which is brilliant; I think the original says 6 months, but that's far too little to me. Still, it works beautifully.
My mother has nearly no friends and she lives in a block where most people come and go frantically and move often. My father used to keep her quite isolated, and now she's a widow her poorly condition keeps her at home mostly. She needs to go out more and joining some sort of group would do wonders to her - she loves chatting. But when nudged in that way she just says she can't because she never knows when she's going to feel OK enough to go out, and gets tired very easily. It's a vicious circle.Long talks with her await me...

Fran

madauri wrote:

Maybe I'll be able to talk her into visiting a doctor. She's depressive and difficult to deal with and could do with that sort of help. The difficult thing will be to convince her.

That was my first thought - don't try to persuade her, write to her doctor/ring them and say you are concerned for her mental health and the conditions she lives in that are compromising her safety and could someone visit her. (I've no idea how successful this might be but they will at least reply.)

doogle_chick

I feel for you OP as my nan was the same. She confided in me before she died that there were many reasons for her hoarding but mainly she was lonely and kept the stuff so that her rooms would feel "full" and that she wouldn't feel as though she was rattling around the place.

She would go mental if anyone tried to tidy up and my mum once threw out a load of old newspapers and my nan went to the dustbin area and brought them all back :eek:

She told me she knew she shouldn't be doing it but felt compelled to hoard stuff so that her life wasn't empty. We did manage to get her to cut back a lot by slowly involving her in the local community eg through the over 60's club, the local British Legion etc and persuaded her to take up a hobby - in her case it was painting. We helped her to fill her life with positive things so replace the clutter. Not saying it was easy and she did still hoard. It was easier for us because she was able to talk honestly to me about her feelings - I felt that this was half the battle, getting her to admit to having an "issue".

Good luck!

lynzpower

This is really very common in older people who maybe are feeling the loss of independence//family members/ freinds/ and dealing with illhealth, and to a certain extent is can be thought of as natural that we hoard things when we feel vulnerable, particularly the older generation who didnt have as much as we do today IYSWIM. this is why the situation becomes intractable, and Im generally in ageement here with Becles, legitimately what harm is this doing?
it might end up being more harmful to remove her choices further thus creating another "loss"

If she wants to sort it out then fine, and of course be there for her to help, but if she doesnt then all you can do is leave well alone. If she did want to sort it I guess you could pick up a filing cabinet from an office salvage place sometimes you can get them for as little as a fiver, that might help a bit if shes committed to keeping allthese leaflets and the like.

HTH

Jet

My ex mother in law was exactly the same.

She would collect the plastic plates from ready meals until every single cupboard in her kitchen was full of them! Her food had to sit on the worktops. She lived alone but always had at least 5 boxes of washing powder and fabric conditioner. She never used to throw ANYTHING away, ever! Even her fridge was full of out of date food she refused to throw away as she claimed that "sell by dates" were a load of rubbish!

My ex wanted to help her with some jobs around the house, but he got so fed up having to spend hours clearing stuff out of the way before he could even start, that he stopped helping her out.

I don't have an answer but it's interesting as to why people feel the need to behave like this.

Becles

madauri wrote:

My mother has nearly no friends and she lives in a block where most people come and go frantically and move often. My father used to keep her quite isolated, and now she's a widow her poorly condition keeps her at home mostly. She needs to go out more and joining some sort of group would do wonders to her - she loves chatting.

How would she feel about a sheltered accomodation flat?

My Gran lives in one, and she's got her own bedroom, living room, kitchen and bathroom. She can come and go as she pleases and makes her own meals, etc., so she is still independant. There is a warden on call who checks on them a couple of times a day, and pull cords in the rooms in case she needs emergency attention.

There is a common room where the warden runs social events and she also organises day trips. There is a library and the main council library changes the books often, so there is always something to read. There are also a couple of patio/balcony areas with garden furniture on. If my Gran wants to visit people, all the flats are indoors linked by carpeted corridors, so she can wander off in her slippers if she wants!

My Gran was isolated too, but moving in has done her the world of good. She's involved in many of the social activities run by the warden, and she's often in other people's flats on an evening.

If you can persuade your Mam to move, you can also get rid of a lot of the clutter to. We said Gran could only take essential stuff with her, as the flat was a lot smaller than her house

emilyt

I used to work for Age Concern looking after the elderly in their own homes. I can honestly say 99% of them hoarded what other people would call junk. This i am sure goes back to the war years and their childhoods. Nothing was ever thrown away. Old habits are hard to change. Maybe she complains that she need help as she wants some time with people. A lot of older people are often left on their own for long hours through the day. Maybe only seeing careres or the milkman.paper boy e.c.t. When i used to go to these people
they all understood their families were busy but they were often just lonely. I am not for one minute suggesting that you are neglecting her. I just used to see it from their point of view. Maybe from having a busy family life do spending the day on their own. No easy solution i am afraid. Please don't throw anything away without her knowing. Maybe she just feels more in control by doing what she is doing. I also have my own mother and mother-in-law who are exactly the same. So i really do understand your dilemma.