what can i do regarding ex hubby continually being late to see/collect kids?

mr218

you have had some good advice here and i think you need to take some control back. i am assuming you have had some self esteem issues because he has left you and gone for presumably a younger model. you need to take charge

first of all decide when you want him to see the children and how long for. make it structured. like say the weekend or 2 evenings. tell him he is not allowed in the house. if he wont come because of that, then it is his loss.

secondly, are you expecting him to come back to you. do you want him back. are you not being treated like a doormat. i would take the initiative and get divorce proceedings going. get a good solicitor. sort out csa payments and visitation rights legally.

basically stop indulging him thinking that this is the best for your children. children are very perceptive,they will soon realise that they are not his no. 1 priority.

initially, he may rebel, there will be some tears with the children, but it will give you some control back in your life.

he has treated you shabbily, dont let him get away with it. moving on and forward is hte best revenge. spend some time on yourself when he has the kids (hence structured visitation hours). get yourself on a dating site, go out meet more people and be more outgoing.

tell him when it is suitable to come and see the kids and if does not follow your rules (within reason) then take away his privileges for a while. he seems quite childish in his behaviour and this is one way of reinforcing good behaviour.

good luck and put yourself first and not be available to him when he wants to visit and see the kids.

a responsible, loving father will pull out all the stops to be with his kids. if his gf and his mates are more important he is not a good father.

zoenryansmummy

I have no idea what he's doing, apart from messing with my head. Have been to court this morning as the house is looking like being repossessed etc.
I had a nice lady assist me and argue my case for me and she mentioned divorce, and literally within 5 mins of leaving court and getting back to my cousins car he was ringing me apologising to me about the whole situation and how he hates to put me in this situation and how hed been trying to shield me from it and deal with it himself etc.
then he asks if i was really going to go for divorce. I said i imagined it was what he'd want since he's the one whos moved on and is living with his gf etc and he started with the i dont know, i dont know. I think he's been railroaded into this whole situation but hasnt had the balls to standup and say this isnt what i want, i made a mistake etc etc. maybe i wrong on that, but i was with the guy for 10 years, i thought i knew him and he was never like this before last sept!
the thing i dont get is, my suspicions were confirmed, he's not paid the mortgage since sept, so where has his money been going??? cos i aint seen any of it!!!! and if hes been paying nothing wheres it gone!!!!

gratefulforhelp_2

kiddy_guy wrote: »

Zoenryansmummy - couple bits of advice.

Firstly if he's taking the kids and they are in her presence, mixing with her, then you are well within your rights to be asking what sort of person she is. She could be a convicted drug dealer for all you know, so rules are no meeting, no kids. If he goes to the CSA to say you aren't giving him access, so much the better. Then when the court state he is to be given access at 7pm, or whatever, he knows darn well what time he's supposed to turn up.
csa is nothing to do with contact.

If he doesn't turn up on time, then don't give him the kids. Yes - I'm sure some people will say that penalises the children, but he'll learn fast. As it stands the kids are being let down repeatedly, and you are expected to cover for this idiot. Don't let him continue doing this.
to temper this, you need to be careful to be seen to be reasonable in case you end up in court over contact.

The children will learn in later life who they can believe in and who they can't. He'll be a sad lonely man in later life once the toygirl has gone, so think of whats best for the kids now. And what is best is that they have reliable parent who does the right thing; if the other one cannot accomodate then he doesn't deserve to be a parent.

And as a final, but vital point, you are losing out. What about your life? You need to get out there and move on - you're not even 30 yet and need to be enjoying yourself. Don't let yourself be a doormat to fit around his life. If he takes the kids and takes them for the day, if he wants to bring them back early - tough. A day to yourself is a day to yourself. It might teach him responsibility for his children.

There's always the divorce thing - just don't allow him a divorce when he wants it if he's being an idiot. I'm sure his new partner will want to meet you if you're holding up their dream wedding..!

Some good advice but be careful you keep the moral high ground - though not at the expense of your sanity!

OP its also completely reasonable to ask him to call to confirm his attendance at each contact visit, if you ask him to do that, he may think twice about being unreliable?

pusscat

My advice is to take charge of what you can change and ignore what you can't

1) Agree the times that he will pick the kids up - say between 5 and 5.30pm (or whatever time suits). Tell him that if he has not arrived by 5.20 then you have arranged to do something else with the kids and they will not be available. To make this work you will probably need to arrange to go out at 5.25pm the first few times. Obviously this does not take into account genuine problems such as a burst tyre - but that has to be your call.

2) Agree that he will have the car seats with him, or that he will leave them with you - same rules as above apply, if he is not there on time ready to take them then you will have gone to do something else.

3) Don't tell the kids that they are going to daddy's until he turns up. That way you do not disapoint them when it does not happen. Have their bags packed (or whatever arrangements you need to make) but just keep it quiet. Once he is behaving in a reliable fashion you could look to change this.

4) Forget who he is seeing or what they may or may not have done- that is all gossip. You trusted this guy enough to have the kids with him, so you have to trust him enough to think that he will not expose them to any harmful situations. Your relationship is with your kids and you and he have joint responsibility of the kids. His new girlfriend comes under HIS responsibility, same as any new man you meet will come under yours.

5) Stop allowing your feelings for him to cloud the issue (I know it is hard). Decide if you want him back or not - stop looking for hints in everything he says (sounds to me like you are best rid of him!)

6) Get him to start paying you a sensible amount for the kids - if not them go to the CSA, that is what they are there for.

7) Stop worrying/wondering what happens when the kids are at Daddys - as above, you trusted him to father them so nothing should have changed. Get out there and use the time for you and getting yourself back on track.

8) Forget moving onto a new relationship, start by learning to care for yourself and building your confidence and happiness.

Sounds tough, I know, but I promise it will help

Puss
xx

red_devil

robpw2 wrote: »

yes , you just need to be firm with him , and explain its the children he is hurting by his lateness

i agree. Lateness is quite common and if he is coming a distance its not always possible to be on time. The positive thing is he is seeing them and coming to collect them and if you make too much of an issue that might be spoilt.

I dont think there is anything you can do about lateness tbh. You just get to know what certain people are like and lifes not perfect.

Blackpool_Saver

my ex used to do this and I was going to work, I kept being late and eventually lost my job, I was paying him to have our son too, so I could work.........

meritaten

for gawds sake - get it sorted about days and times - via solicitor if you can! this guy is taking the michael! and if he doesnt turn up within half hour of the agreed time - then take the kids out to the park or round mums or anywhere! Why are you making his life so easy for him?
dont tell the kids when he is coming, dont let him come round at a whim (access should be agreed beforehand) and stop him making the kids lives miserable by being late all the time! not to mention your life!

downcdebt

Oh dear what an idiot (putting it politely). Your kids will soon cotton on to the fact that he is unreliable. My dad was the same, even though my mum never complained about him in front of me (something that I respect her for now). He was just soooo late to pick us up. One time he was due to pick us up from the after school childminder, and he was so late she had to rearrange her family evening out and was well annoyed. I remember it all now, and I was so embarassed and somehow felt really guilty. Oh, the maintenance cheque was always "in the post too". roll eyes.

Not sure I agree about not telling your kids when he is due to turn up, so when he does it is a surprise. I think I would feel a bit unsettled never knowing what was happening and that things were sprung on me. But then I hated visiting my father, so that could just be my slant...

Good luck! x

HRV

I think you need to set up a more formal arrangement for contact (and money). You don't have to go throught the CSA for this and can agree your own (if you can agree) and get a solicitor to write it up.

Can he not have the kids for a little longer eg. a whole weekend, it will then become his responsibility for sorting changing bag, juice etc. freeing you up a bit to have time to yourself and making him take responsibility. My OHs DD2 was younger than yours when he and his ex split and he always had the 2 dd on his own every other weekend and a night in the week. Then you need to be 'busy' if he tries to bring them back early etc. I know it would be hard but he needs to take responsibility for his children and the implications of being a single dad.

Make-it-3

I think you might be letting your relationship with him cloud your judgement, but also letting him take command. Ask yourself honestly is he the type of person who is always running late, were you waiting around when you were dating him for example, if he is then this isn't specifically about you or the kids.

Some practical things have already been suggested, either the car seats are left at yours, or ask him to keep them permanently in his car. Don't give the kids an exact time he is turning up then they won't get distressed. Twenty minutes/half an hour isn't that much, turning up hours late or not at all is.

But also, why are you letting him pop over to see them when he likes. Much better to agree specific days when he takes them all evening/day - as you need to have a break too and get on with your life. Don't sit there listening to his woes about his job - you're not his wife any longer - that should be his new girlfriends job!