Is your partner on board with debt busting??

immoral_angeluk

I can completely relate. Back when I was in serious debt I was married to my now exhusband. When I joined this forum we had approx 16-18k of debt. While I had, on paper, more debt, my ex's history was terrible, CCJs, the lot. Trouble was he didn't care so long as he got his new xbox game and the gadgets he wanted then and there. If he didn't get what he wanted he'd have a strop and he had a viscious temper. In the end we got our debt down, but that was because of me. He was never interested, and really resented my efforts to get us out of the hole we were in.
In the end we seperated for a variety of reasons, but the enormous sense of relief I felt when we did seperate was shocking. Finally I had control over my financial future, and I didn't have anyone making me feel like crap for trying to do the best for my family.

determined_new_ms

podperson wrote: »

Hi Lilac,

Don't have a great deal of advice but can definately sympathise. My OH drives me crazy with money, he knows we're in debt, he knows I worry about it constantly, he says he worries about it as well and then he goes out and blows all his money on crap and expects me to bail him out. Classic example, he got a student loan in April, spent all of it in about 4 weeks and now I'm expected to give him money I don't have spare all summer till he gets his next one in September - and the other day he said something like, 'oh we could go away when my next loan comes' I nearly hit him! :mad:

lmao :rotfl:sorry shouldn't laugh but couldn't help it! lets all repeat the mantra "physical violence is not the way to resolve relationship issues"!

ok this is as far as I got before I decided to put my 2 pence worth in. My oh was terrible with money and had a lot more debt than he could live with, to top it off he also doesn't earn the highest wage. When we were thinking about moving in together I told him he had to change his attutude and clear his debt (ironically although I was clearing my debt slooooooowly, I actually racked it up at the end of last year and started off this year £6500 in the red :eek:). I paid all of the household bills for 3 months when we moved in together on the understanding he's use the money to pay his debt.

That gave him a real head start and he got "into" it. Now he is much better and we both live like porpers to get debt free.

I do all of the finances in our relationship (manage the accounts, bills, suppliers, shopping etc) if I hadn't we wouldn't have got to the point where we are. He thinks we should be able to have whatever we want because "we earn good money" (we don't, I earn an ok wage...). The other week I was horrified that we had spent £100 on food. His response? "we used to spend this much so its not a big deal". I tempted to opt out of the finances for a month or two and hand it over to him and see how far he gets

"physical violence is not the way to resolve relationship issues", "physical violence is not the way to resolve relationship issues", "physical violence is not the way to resolve relationship issues"!

now must go back and read some more of this thread....

Spirit_2

You can see from my sig that we had a lot of debt. Mr Spirit took a long time to buy into DFW. Just because I had my LBM it did not mean he had one too.

You just have to face your current reality, you do not want a £20K car and £20K debt so just say no. No point in even giving the idea it is a discussion point if you want to safeguard your future and fulfill your plans for your future life.

I also have an OH who does a lot as I am in poor health but it would be cheaper for you to pay a cleaner than reward your husband with repayments on a £20K loan.

Wee_Jo

determined_new_ms wrote: »

"physical violence is not the way to resolve relationship issues", "physical violence is not the way to resolve relationship issues", "physical violence is not the way to resolve relationship issues"!

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Foundational

Interesting discussion but just to be practical about the car and the business of fitting 3 car seats in with no. 3 on the way. We are in exactly that position! It's a real issue and I'm just a bit concerned that the bigger issues and you hubby's hankering after a new £20K car could be obscuring a real practical challenge. We were dismayed we couldn't fit the seats in so we reluctantly borrowed £4K and with part-ex got a fab 05 Honda FRV. Highly recommended - roomy 6 seater family car. You can get them from £7K second hand, a few years old. Dunno if there's any way that you could 'do a deal' on some of your DH's spending habits if you went this kind of comprimise route? A number of posters have latched on to the £20K figure and the debate feels somewhat polarised. In a few month's time you could be really stuggling with transporting your clan safely and he could dig his heels in further and push you to rush into a change of car.

Absolutely understand your frustration, however, and I don't have these pressures as DW and I are working on paying off our debt together. All good wishes with the practicalities and educating your DH.

Best wishes

Foundational

silver_4444_uk

Hello LilacPixie,

I fully appreciate that there will always be some that want a 20k car.
I know I would - if I had the money. But I don't.

My sister is in debt and she needs a replacement car after her last car expired. She has 4 children and
she has eventually decided ( after some brotherly suggestion ) on a Vauxhall Zafira Estate diesel which is very economical. She should also be able to pick up a 4/5 yr old one for between 4-6k and not get a loan for more.

However she does have the type of mindset that if she were left alone she would buy
a 20k car at the drop of a hat because she likes the idea of treating herself and looking good driving it around.

Now before anybody says that I should have kept my nose out of other peoples business. She did ask me for advice first and I don't want to see her getting herself deeper into debt.

Her hubby could not care less what car she was going to buy and he is quite content to just bimble along.
If two people don't want to face their debt together it is difficult and to be fair there is not a lot of communication between the two of them.

I firmly believe that my sister's mindset towards money is due to childhood issues that she had whilst growing up. As a result she does like the short term feel good factor of buying herself something nice and thus has ended up in debt.

The only way I can see things improving for them both is for the pair of them to get talking.
Easy said, I know.

Rgds.

Silver

LilacPixie

Silver - I think your sister and my husband probably share some mindset traits. I am quite happy to drive a reliable people carrier. zafira/galaxy type thing, as long as it goes i'm happy and I do the nursery run, i'll be on maternity leave with 3 kids etc so I feel car wise I should get casting vote and I do not want to go to bank for a loan to finance it.

Polorised - I will have a look at a honda FRV but it may be a bit rich for us. I guess we can save around £500 a month plus value of current car so 3-4k would be limit as need to buy this side of christmas or not go out at all as a family until new car bought. You are correct when you say the car is a pressing issue because we cannot transport 5 of us safely in our current cars. What are the hondas like on fuel and insurance?? A local garage has a 2.0 petrol 55 plate for 5k which really is beyond us but in 5 months with depreciation it may be a outside possibility.

KingElvis

^^ an HRV 2.0 Ivtec will be a little heavy on fuel Pixie, probably around 20-25 round town at best.

I would go for a Zafira or Focus C Max Diesel which you should see at least 40-45 from and will cost less as there are more of them on sale.

Best of luck

Elvis

kdenty

I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I feel stupid as I earn a good wage (although it can be variable as I'm self employed) and managed to get into some stupid debt after buying an older house that needed work (new kitchen, fix a leaky bedroom wall which became a major redecorate), furniture and oh and we had to have a good car and the latest gadgets etc etc! I know I have lived beyond my means and I know I have to live below my means to get things straight.

My other half loves spending and he is also an 'enabler'. He can be the voice next to me in the shop saying 'well if you want it buy it'. Up until recently I went with it. I've had my lightbulb moment but I don't think he ever will. I was a saver and he was a spender when we met. I also found that I encouraged him to spend our money as I knew he wanted that certain gadget that would make him happy.

It feels horrid changing your life to stop spending. I now spend weekends in to avoid going near shops where temptation may be too much. I am sooo bored! We will get there one day I'm sure of it but it's going to be a long hard slog.

Foundational

Polorised - I will have a look at a honda FRV but it may be a bit rich for us. I guess we can save around £500 a month plus value of current car so 3-4k would be limit as need to buy this side of christmas or not go out at all as a family until new car bought. You are correct when you say the car is a pressing issue because we cannot transport 5 of us safely in our current cars. What are the hondas like on fuel and insurance?? A local garage has a 2.0 petrol 55 plate for 5k which really is beyond us but in 5 months with depreciation it may be a outside possibility.[/QUOTE]


Hi Lilac

Foundational here, who posted about the FRV and the £20K issue(Poralised - a case of mistaken identity!)The FRV's surprisingly good on fuel, guessing 40mpg - but we are very light users, just around town. Ours in a 1.7, not a 2.0, and we manage fine with it, mostly 30mph urban tootling. But we may use a much fuel as a 2.0 because you have to put more power on. Road Tax is going to be £200 I think; insurance is not so bad as we shopped around big style to get a great deal with the Co-op, and managed to save by paying up from rather than by instalments with interest. I honestly think though that Hondas are so reliable that they can end up costing less and we intend to keep our FRV for years, 10 at least all being well. The one you have seen sounds like a very good price, and you could spend that on a Zafira or a Citreon Zsara Picasso, and I don't think these would last so long. I think the FRV is at that stage of being a find because they stopped making them (but no worries about parts & repairs). We got one with only 27K on it, but even examples with 60K+ are worth considering. I would consider the longevity issue.

Recognise it's a hard decision though to even contemplate adding to what you owe, but you have a plan for paying off unsecured debt and the mortgage, and I wonder if it might worth snowballing in that extra amount? That's what we did and we decided to go for it.

All the best with it all,

Foundational