My son has been caught drink driving again!!

sarymclary

Hello Autumnleaf,

As a mother of boys I do sympathise with you, and understand that you must be feeling immense frustration at the situation he's got himself into.

That said, your boy is now a grown man, and he'll have to face the consequences of his actions. He felt man enough to get into a car more than once drunk, and not only that but then take a car that didn't belong to him and drink drive.

The consequences of drink driving are something we are only too aware of, and as an intelligent person, he'll know the risks he's taking, but he's deluded enough to think he can handle it, and get away with it.

The main thing that worries me most about this situation, aside from the driving, is that your son is showing signs of having a serious drink problem. He's displaying the denial and arrogance by drink driving, and is so lacking in responsibility for his actions that he's continuing to do it.

The alarm bells are ringing here for me, because my husband died from the affects of alcoholism at the age of 37. I knew him from age 11, married him at 24, and had no idea he was an alcoholic until our late 20's, but he'd actually had an alcohol addiction from his late teens. All the time he managed to stay employed, further his career, and carry on with family life as normal. Deception is the key, and they're very good at it.

I would like to hope that your son is forced to attend an alcohol rehabilitation programme as part of his punishment, as this would hopefully provide the most effective solution to his persistent drink driving.

If I were you I would definitely attend the court. I might also see if I could contact him beforehand. Can your daughter get his mobile phone number so that you could text him? I'm sure he knows your stance on what has happened. Attending court should not be seen as you condoning his actions, but hoping he's going to change them.

Best wishes to you.

Bossyboots

Bluelad wrote:

Autumn Leaf,

You have absolutely no reason to feel any blame or be judged, and I sympathise with how you feel.

However, I have no sympathy with J. I can't help but feel that some replies appear to have a soft approach calling it 'Irresponsible'

He WILL kill somebody if he continues and that needs to be drilled into him. Unfortunately the courts handing out 10 yr bans don't seem to have any affect. If you're stupid enough to drink drive, going for a blast when you haven't got a licence is not going to be a big deal.

I do hope whatever punishment he receives frightens the hell out of him so he realises that his and other poples lives are worth more than a few pints.

Fingers crossed he listens

The OP isn't the one who needs the lecture, that was not the point of her posting here. If her son was posting here, he would get a lambasting from the members I am sure but I would venture that this is not the thread for that which is why the responses might be more muted than you would expect.

Sadly, I suspect that whatever punishment he gets is not going to stop him. He has already disregarded the first ban and there is nothing in his behaviour to suggest he is chastened by his past experiences. Even drivers who have taken the Driver Impaired Course which is supposed to teach about the dangers of drink driving reoffend.

My own view is that a lifetime ban is the only ban appropriate for this offence but there is little the courts can do realistically for people who breach shorter bans, so it isn't really a deterrent.

Janepig

I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through at the moment. It sounds to me like his father seems to be more of a hinderance than a help but I think you should keep plugging away with the texts and such. He'll appreciate it one day and it helps you to know you are doing something.

As for the Court case, given the fact he's disqualified and on his third drink drive conviction in such a short space of time, from experience I'd be amazed if he doesn't go to prison - basically they'll say he's shown a blatant disregard for the orders of the Court. However, it sounds like he does need help so if he hasn't had a Community Order (what was Probation) previously then they may be willing to give that a shot as a final warning so to speak. They can attach alcohol treatment conditions, curfews and the like to such an order. Also the fact that he's working may also go in his favour. However, if he doesn't keep appointments then the Probation Service will send him back to Court and he will more than likely end up with a prison term then.

If you want to know what's going on "from the horse's mouth" then I'd go to the Court. At least your son will see you and know that you are there for him - even if he doesn't appreciate it right now - and you may be able to have words with his solicitor to get a clearer idea of the situation and possible sentence.

All the best - I'm thinking of you.

Jxx

Bossyboots

I misread the first post and it would seem that he does indeed have three convictions. I agree with Janepig though. This is the scenario I would imagine in terms of his sentencing.

However, unless your son gives his solicitor permission to speak to you he/she should give you no information whatsoever about the situation.

Bennifred

I'm sorry you're suffering, Autumn_Leaf - it's not easy to bear when your beloved children do serious wrong, when you've done all you can to bring them up right. You certainly aren't alone, and I can understand the embarassment and mortification you are obviously feeling.
Unfortunately, as some of the other posters have said, J is classed as an adult now and will have to bear the consequences of his actions. I do think that many young men don't really "grow up" until they are 22/23, maybe this is the case with your son? (Not that that is any excuse for his behaviour, but may give hope for him in the future). Best wishes to you.

sarymclary

Janepig wrote:

If you want to know what's going on "from the horse's mouth" then I'd go to the Court. At least your son will see you and know that you are there for him - even if he doesn't appreciate it right now - and you may be able to have words with his solicitor to get a clearer idea of the situation and possible sentence.

I think this is the most sensible option for you to take. You can't stop loving your son, just because he's behaved in such a dreadful way, and because you know he has the potential to be so much more. Is it because of the breakdown in communication that you're so reluctant to attend, or are you afraid it will cause a bad situation?

He's still young, and has an awful lot to learn. It looks like he'll be getting a very serious lesson taught to him soon. You can only hope he pays attention.

On a personal note to you, all you can do is love him. You're doing the right thing by not enabling his behaviour, unlike his father. Stepping away from his father's influence would be something to hope for. The other changes that need to take place have to come from within him, I'm afraid. No one else can do that for him, and do not feel you have to take responsibility for his actions. From what you've said, you tried your hardest to give him a good upbringing; you could have done no more than that. He knows the difference between right and wrong, it's just that he's making the wrong decisions for himself, for whatever reasons, right now.

I get the impression you believe your marriage breakdown and house move contributed to his behaviour. However, imagine how much worse things could have been if you had stayed with his negligent father? I think you should be commended for your decision.

We try to put our children on the right road, but ultimately we all walk our own path.

Be there for him when he needs you. Send the texts, even if he doesn't reply, there's nothing to lose by doing so.

diana11

If you went to court you would at least hear all the circumstances relating to your sons current offence as well as hearing brief details about the previous driving offences. He may find it embarrassing having you there but everything would then be out in the open. You would also hear the readings which would give you some idea as to how much over the limit your son was.

Regarding sentence, it is very likely that the court may delay concluding the case as they may require a pre sentence report. If they are considering a prison sentence then it is unlikely that they would pass sentence without such a report. However a prison sentence does sound like a possibility. It is not just the excess alcohol offences, they are aggrevated by a driving whilst disqualified all in the space of 9 months.

Hope this helps.

Janepig

Bossyboots wrote:

However, unless your son gives his solicitor permission to speak to you he/she should give you no information whatsoever about the situation.

This is true, but he/she may be able to give you some info that isn't confidental and is in the public domain, maybe in terms of charges, etc. And Autumn Leaf may be able to tell him something of the family background from her side of things - ie, her son's relationship with his father - which may be helpful to the solicitor in mitigation and arguing for a non-custodial sentence.

Also, if you sit in Court during the preceeding cases you may find you hear the most interesting snippets during the times when the magistrates are out of Court and the defence are discussing cases with the prosecution. I'm always amazed the amount of extra info. you can find out - when they're not talking about rugby that is!!! You'll often find that the defence and prosecution will discuss what they are going to apply for and which direction they want the case to go in so you may get to know beforehand what's going to happen even if the solicitor can't tell you him/herself.

Jxx

LondonDiva

All the best with this.

However, I would say that as the car's in your name, one of the first steps would be to sell it.

rchddap1

Just because he's not approaching you it doesn't mean that he doesn't really just want a hug and to sort things out. You were the one to teach him about being careful when driving. You sorted out his first car. And what did he do...crash it twice. And follow his dad's example of drinking and driving.

He could be feeling too embarassed of all the mistakes he's made to talk to you. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.

Besides if you're the sort of person I believe you sound like you won't ever give up on him....whether you think he loves you or not.