Split with long term partner, was i right to do so?

casseus

hello all,

i have split with my long term partner of 7 years, we had three daughters who i love so much.

problems started when i started working, i would leave her my debit card on payday instructing to leave x amount for the bils to go out the next day, i would come home ask her if she left the amount in so bills can be paid the reply would be yes! but then going to check the account day after and balance would be £150-200 over drawn, i would query with her what happened with the money and she'd come out with i had to buy this that the other for the girls, but not much "stuff" would be evident to warrent the amount of cash taken out, after so many times this got me into debt with utilities

I then damaged my spine after only 13 months working and was sacked for too much time off (whole different issue that im not going to delve into for fear my identity will be disclosed you never know who's on these forums do you?) so i was in debt and out of work. but the money taking didnt stop and i had to borrow off people in order to keep ourselfs, what she was spensing the money on was for her our kids and her friends to go to town have lunch and buy things we couldnt really afford and also lending money to her father who never paid it back and it wouldnt be small amounts it would 100 250 300 on times. i couldnt take anymore as it strained me mentally and ended the relationship, but after explaining to her what went wrong and what she was doing wrong she saw the light (so i thought) and i agreed to give it another go.

so fast forward to recently and many brake up allong the way for the samething and more, her friends are of drinking age now, and over the last year (and after losing yet another job because of illness), every saturday night she would go out eventhough we had next to no money and debt pileing up, i wouldnt stop her if i did that would be the last of it and i wouldnt get to see my kids she'd threaten, i would go out (babysitter to look after kids) but not drinking i dont drink alchohol i would go to a m8's house or stay indoors with the kids.

we'd get payed on x day and two days later i would be asking around for cash to get stuff for the house.

after so long of being out of work,debt, and added pressure from her spending and going out to her friends every night for an hour or so and spending what we have on her and the kids (not that im complaining she bought for the kids its the amount she bought that gets me, overboard is not the word) it took its toll on my mental health and i had a breakdown a few weeks ago, after anti depressants failed me, since then i have had changes in medication because i was allergic to one set, and the new set hasnt really kicked in yet, during this time of my breakdown she had organised with her friends to go on a caravan holiday for a week, the day before she went i begged her not to leave me on my own because i knew i wouldnt be able to cope with my three girls on my own, but she went anyway, saying she needed the break, so i finished it between us, as she had left me with no money nothing to support myself and my kids for that week, when she came back she was all apologies and wanted to make another go of it etc, i didnt budge for two days sticking to my guns, but i finally give in last tuesday and said that i didnt want a repeat etc, the night before she left after our heated argument about her going, she decided to post details of what was said in the heat of the moment on a social networking site for my family friends her relatives and friends to all see, wich caused my family to have stern words with her for humilliating me infront of everyone and my family, so she turned her phone off during her holiday so no one could contact her, explaining all that she had done wrong to her again for the hundreth time must be, she said she would change her ways.

came thursday i was in the house when she came in from over her friends house she put the kids to bed, (7:30 ish) went down stairs made a cup of coffee for us both and said that she was going to go out for and hour or so and went back out in normal clothing she was wearing that day, (natrally i though she was going back over her friends house) after 20-25 mins i saw a car pull up outside her friends, she came running out dolled up and quickly hopped in the back of the car and tried to keep her head down not for any one to see, but she noticed me looking at her puzzled, so tried to act normal, her friends then came out got in the car and as they drove out her friends wove at me but my so called partner could even wave or look at me. i had no means of knowing where she was going i couldnt ring her i have no house phone activated only incoming calls, so i asked my sister who was online to call her and ask where she was going? she wouldnt answer to my sister or my mother, 2 hours passed and she called me i was so furious i just shouted its over get your stuff and put the phone down on her.

my yougest daughter was awake till 10:30pm coz she had a nightmare, so i had settled her back down and then fell asleep myself on the bed. i was awoken by police shouting through my letter box, after exchanges of words with a rather rude coppa i agreed to open the door. after they left she told me she had had it with my family, and she was leaving first thing and wanted half my benefit money, i told her she could do what she likes i told her its over.

basically she decieved me, lied to me, then tried twisting the story to make me look the bad guy to her family saying to them that i threw them out when she had got all stuff packed and left with the kids!

now before i'm judged here, her behaviour is that of a single person and has been for a while, she went rather childish after spending so much time with her single childless friends, after all that has happened through our relationship, all she had to do was say she was going out to a show and i would of said no problem but to go out in normal clothing and then get in her friends car all dolled up thinking i wouldnt see her to me is rather dodgy and deceiving, scheeming behind my back. ive lost all trust in her and faith, i feel used, i have no confidence and have no one.

she was completely different before she started getting involved with these so called friends, she showed maturety, we got along without argueing. and then bam she's different when hanging round with these people and were argueing n stuff.

she still defends herself and herfriends and is ademant that its my family thats the problem for having a dig at her, eventhough her family has listened to both sides of the story and i came off looking better coz she'd lied about what happened to them, i gave her the house for my kids, i gave her allmost half my benefits i gave her all the tax credits (i havent been able to get through to declaire) and still she asked me for money as she went with her friends to the beach to take the kids out for the day and spent her last £20 in her pocket, so today i have had to buy milk and gas for my kids. and had the cheek to ask me for cash incase of emergency.


in my heart i know i cant go back, in head im in peices. have i overreacted i feel like ive let my kids down. was i in the right in leaving i dont know.

AlwaysWorking

Hi. I didn't want to read and run. The boards are pretty quiet at this time of the morning but I'm sure people will be along shortly with lots of useful advice.

I just wanted to say that none of us can truely know if you have done the right thing....only you can answer that. Your ex seems very immature, what age is she? Have you thought of counselling with her? Whatever happens, you need to look after yourself and your mental health. In my opinion it is much better for children to grow up with two happy parents who live apart than grow up in an unhappy home. Just be there for your girls, they need the stability you can provide.

Take care of yourself.

Fang_3

casseus wrote: »

hello all,

i have split with my long term partner of 7 years, we had three daughters who i love so much.

problems started when i started working, i would leave her my debit card on payday instructing to leave x amount for the bils to go out the next day, i would come home ask her if she left the amount in so bills can be paid the reply would be yes! but then going to check the account day after and balance would be £150-200 over drawn, i would query with her what happened with the money and she'd come out with i had to buy this that the other for the girls, but not much "stuff" would be evident to warrent the amount of cash taken out, after so many times this got me into debt with utilities

I then damaged my spine after only 13 months working and was sacked for too much time off (whole different issue that im not going to delve into for fear my identity will be disclosed you never know who's on these forums do you?) so i was in debt and out of work. but the money taking didnt stop and i had to borrow off people in order to keep ourselfs, what she was spensing the money on was for her our kids and her friends to go to town have lunch and buy things we couldnt really afford and also lending money to her father who never paid it back and it wouldnt be small amounts it would 100 250 300 on times. i couldnt take anymore as it strained me mentally and ended the relationship, but after explaining to her what went wrong and what she was doing wrong she saw the light (so i thought) and i agreed to give it another go.

so fast forward to recently and many brake up allong the way for the samething and more, her friends are of drinking age now, and over the last year (and after losing yet another job because of illness), every saturday night she would go out eventhough we had next to no money and debt pileing up, i wouldnt stop her if i did that would be the last of it and i wouldnt get to see my kids she'd threaten, i would go out (babysitter to look after kids) but not drinking i dont drink alchohol i would go to a m8's house or stay indoors with the kids.

we'd get payed on x day and two days later i would be asking around for cash to get stuff for the house.

after so long of being out of work,debt, and added pressure from her spending and going out to her friends every night for an hour or so and spending what we have on her and the kids (not that im complaining she bought for the kids its the amount she bought that gets me, overboard is not the word) it took its toll on my mental health and i had a breakdown a few weeks ago, after anti depressants failed me, since then i have had changes in medication because i was allergic to one set, and the new set hasnt really kicked in yet, during this time of my breakdown she had organised with her friends to go on a caravan holiday for a week, the day before she went i begged her not to leave me on my own because i knew i wouldnt be able to cope with my three girls on my own, but she went anyway, saying she needed the break, so i finished it between us, as she had left me with no money nothing to support myself and my kids for that week, when she came back she was all apologies and wanted to make another go of it etc, i didnt budge for two days sticking to my guns, but i finally give in last tuesday and said that i didnt want a repeat etc, the night before she left after our heated argument about her going, she decided to post details of what was said in the heat of the moment on a social networking site for my family friends her relatives and friends to all see, wich caused my family to have stern words with her for humilliating me infront of everyone and my family, so she turned her phone off during her holiday so no one could contact her, explaining all that she had done wrong to her again for the hundreth time must be, she said she would change her ways.

came thursday i was in the house when she came in from over her friends house she put the kids to bed, (7:30 ish) went down stairs made a cup of coffee for us both and said that she was going to go out for and hour or so and went back out in normal clothing she was wearing that day, (natrally i though she was going back over her friends house) after 20-25 mins i saw a car pull up outside her friends, she came running out dolled up and quickly hopped in the back of the car and tried to keep her head down not for any one to see, but she noticed me looking at her puzzled, so tried to act normal, her friends then came out got in the car and as they drove out her friends wove at me but my so called partner could even wave or look at me. i had no means of knowing where she was going i couldnt ring her i have no house phone activated only incoming calls, so i asked my sister who was online to call her and ask where she was going? she wouldnt answer to my sister or my mother, 2 hours passed and she called me i was so furious i just shouted its over get your stuff and put the phone down on her.

my yougest daughter was awake till 10:30pm coz she had a nightmare, so i had settled her back down and then fell asleep myself on the bed. i was awoken by police shouting through my letter box, after exchanges of words with a rather rude coppa i agreed to open the door. after they left she told me she had had it with my family, and she was leaving first thing and wanted half my benefit money, i told her she could do what she likes i told her its over.

basically she decieved me, lied to me, then tried twisting the story to make me look the bad guy to her family saying to them that i threw them out when she had got all stuff packed and left with the kids!

now before i'm judged here, her behaviour is that of a single person and has been for a while, she went rather childish after spending so much time with her single childless friends, after all that has happened through our relationship, all she had to do was say she was going out to a show and i would of said no problem but to go out in normal clothing and then get in her friends car all dolled up thinking i wouldnt see her to me is rather dodgy and deceiving, scheeming behind my back. ive lost all trust in her and faith, i feel used, i have no confidence and have no one.

she was completely different before she started getting involved with these so called friends, she showed maturety, we got along without argueing. and then bam she's different when hanging round with these people and were argueing n stuff.

she still defends herself and herfriends and is ademant that its my family thats the problem for having a dig at her, eventhough her family has listened to both sides of the story and i came off looking better coz she'd lied about what happened to them, i gave her the house for my kids, i gave her allmost half my benefits i gave her all the tax credits (i havent been able to get through to declaire) and still she asked me for money as she went with her friends to the beach to take the kids out for the day and spent her last £20 in her pocket, so today i have had to buy milk and gas for my kids. and had the cheek to ask me for cash incase of emergency.


in my heart i know i cant go back, in head im in peices. have i overreacted i feel like ive let my kids down. was i in the right in leaving i dont know.

Read the bits that I have highlighted.

Would I be right in thinking that she's much younger than you? Either that or you're both very young. I can't decide which. Either way I'm guessing that she was a teenage mother. You don't seem very mature for someone who has been in a serious relationship for seven years with three children.

From what you've written it sounds like you tried to control her, and she didn't like it and now you're both playing childish games and making power plays to get the upper hand.

I see beyond what you've written and I see the gaps that you have left. To put it simply, you were perfectly happy when she stayed at home and had no freedom of her own. She had to wait until you left your debit card for her to use so that she could have some money. The minute she became independent and you became weaker, you started to have trouble. You think that her friends are the problems, they're not. You are.

It's absolutely the right thing to have split up. For her and the children anyway. Of course it would have been best for you two not to have had the children and then your little power games could have been freely played with you only hurting each other. Now there are the kids to think about and you have to grow up.

You gave her almost half of your benefits? Benefits that you claimed as a family for your children. Well bully for you! Get off your backside and start paying for your children. You couldn't even look after them for a week so the very least you can do is pay for them.

sassy_one

I'm guessing she is quite young also - 16-18 MAX.
If her friends are NOW of drinking age, this implies to me they have just turned 18, making her more or maybe less the same.

Regards your money, after she did it the first time, or maybe the second time, you shouldn't have given her your debit card, simple, no way.
Sorry, I'm not being horrible but this isn't all someone else's fault.

I am sorry to learn of your problems, and hope that you managed to recover and sort things and get back to work but some of the things that you have done and your actions, may have been a cause and party to this also.

The saying goes, there isn't any smoke without fire !

alwaysonthego_2

sassy-one wrote: »

I'm guessing she is quite young also - 16-18 MAX.
If her friends are NOW of drinking age, this implies to me they have just turned 18, making her more or maybe less the same.


The saying goes, there isn't any smoke without fire !

The op says she is his LT partner of 7 years and they have 3 children so I am guessing she is much older maybe mid/late 20s.

justjohn

hi there

I was married to a spender for 12 years. Life is so hard with someone dragging you into debt. My ex-wife was not a party animal. But she could spend She never got us into a mass of debt(but had to always keep tabs on things). But we could never save anything and life was just not moving forward financialy.

Been with a new partner for 3+ years, She is a saver and responsible. And life is good. My only regret is that i never met my current partner alot sooner as life would be alot easier. Not that it is a hard life by many peoples standards on here.

So if i was you yes i would leave. As for letting the kids down. Part of me even now is the same(i have 3). I do not know when that goes away i assume one day i will explain it to them why things happened the way they did.

But at the rate my ex-wife is going deminishing here assets(135k house with 75k mortgage when i left,and rising). I think she may have to do the explaining to the kids before i do.

Bufger

Dont give her your debit card - Pay your bills by direct debit, transfer any money needed for the 3 girls into a joint account she is also liable for and check reciepts so you know money has been spent on your children BEFORE its spent on weekend nights out.

It sounds like it was an immature relationship and wasnt every going to work. Its just a shame the 3 girls are mixed up in it all

gonzo127

i personally think some of the comments above are a bit too harsh on you op so please try not to take it to hard.

well as the basic question comes down to are you right to split,

yes i think you are

you need to get your head together as you said you are already getting help and i just dont think your relationship with you OH will help you get you back to 'full health'
i also think it will be better for the girls in the long run since as another perosn has said its better to have 2 happy parents who dont live together than 2 unhappy parents living in the same house.
it will also do your OH some good as it will make/allow her to take responsibility for herself and her actions

first thing i think you need to do is work out your living arrangements, so can you move back in with your parents or a friend for the time being?

next one is money, this will be harder especially since you will want to make sure your kids dont go without anything however i do feel you will have to be hard with this since the mother doesnt appear to have any grasp on money and only seems to care about her going out and her having a good time,

so i would find out how much CSA would say you have to give (i think there is a online calc for this) and make sure this is the MINIMUM you give them, if you can afford more that would help however what you might want to do is if she phones up for more money after you have given the 'maintenance', is to find out what she actually needs it for and then actually buy the items that she needs so she is not able to use that money to go out drinking herself

you also will need to work out your access to the children and i am sorry to say this however it will more than likely be her as the main carer due to the fact she doesnt work (from what i can tell above) and that you do have mental health problems at the moment on top of the fact you are 'only' the father - sad to say but true in most cases,

casseus

Fang wrote: »

Read the bits that I have highlighted.

Would I be right in thinking that she's much younger than you? Either that or you're both very young. I can't decide which. Either way I'm guessing that she was a teenage mother. You don't seem very mature for someone who has been in a serious relationship for seven years with three children.

From what you've written it sounds like you tried to control her, and she didn't like it and now you're both playing childish games and making power plays to get the upper hand.

I see beyond what you've written and I see the gaps that you have left. To put it simply, you were perfectly happy when she stayed at home and had no freedom of her own. She had to wait until you left your debit card for her to use so that she could have some money. The minute she became independent and you became weaker, you started to have trouble. You think that her friends are the problems, they're not. You are.

It's absolutely the right thing to have split up. For her and the children anyway. Of course it would have been best for you two not to have had the children and then your little power games could have been freely played with you only hurting each other. Now there are the kids to think about and you have to grow up.

You gave her almost half of your benefits? Benefits that you claimed as a family for your children. Well bully for you! Get off your backside and start paying for your children. You couldn't even look after them for a week so the very least you can do is pay for them.

no i didnt control her, thats the point, im not a harsh no your not doing nothing guy, if you read properly i said i am going through a mental brake down with not much in the way of meds helping me or couceling, and this is why i couldnt cope with the children for the week she went on holidays, and said this to her before she went.

i claim incopacity benefit for me and her, child ben and child tax credits. i gave her her entitlement to the incopcity, all the tax credits and will give her all the child ben. as well as what money i have left if she calls for money for eleky gas etc i will get them myself and not hand the cash over.

as for reading inbetween the lines or gaps im sorry but there isnt any my family stepped in as they seen how childish she was behaving and how selfish she is and how fragile my mental state is. i am living back with my parents, but its so hard (i find) to talk to them. all my friends abandoned me when we got together when she fell pregnant, ive never stopped her going out, ive never stopped her seeing family, i didnt stop her having my card because it would cause majour arguments and she would threaten me with with my children.

as for getting off my backside and supporting my children, ive allways supported my children.

and before you benefit bashers say get a job etc. i had one that i enjoyed, loved, and felt at home in, i was retired ill health by my consultant, i didnt want that but had no choice it was affecting my health.

please do not assume anything, and post your assumptions, ask the question for verifacation.

im mid 20's and she's coming up 25, our daughters are 6 and 2.

Bufger

Shes claiming incapacity benefit but can still hold a good social nightlife?

Just clarify the situation on her benefit/health before i make assumptions

casseus

she has know these so called friends for four or more years, they are 18 and 20, one is single one has a partner with no children. since she has bothered with them on and off she goes into silly little teenage mode where only her kids and friends matter.

she would come out with these childish little saying like whoop whoop, wha'ever, dont go there.

when she goes i out i would question her saying can we afford it you sure we have enough money etc but even if we didnt she would still go.

i'm not a drinker, but not once did she ask me to go with her and i offered to go with her once, but her replie was why do you want to go itle be pointless its just gunna be me and the girls.