Help me please - I want to DO THIS this time and save my sanity

HateMyself_2

have just had another one of my action times.

Have paid off my next account and HSBC credit card in full using mbna card that has lower apr. So that means two less accounts to worry about and should be paying less interest and lower monthly payment.

spending diary is brilliant idea.

Could also take my son out of nursery at 112 a month and start him at the local playgroup now that he is three but im worried about the upheaval when he is so settled there.

also think my mobile contract is up so i might ring and cancel that that would save 125 a month (nursery and phone)

chevalier

HateMyself wrote:

have just had another one of my action times.

Have paid off my next account and HSBC credit card in full using mbna card that has lower apr. So that means two less accounts to worry about and should be paying less interest and lower monthly payment.QUOTE]:T


Don't forget to close the accounts and cut up the card in the case of HSBC. This will improve your credit rating as you have less available credit. Also will help you avoid the temptation to just have them for emergencies
chev

pandaonmyshoulder

HateMyself wrote:

have just had another one of my action times.

Have paid off my next account and HSBC credit card in full using mbna card that has lower apr. So that means two less accounts to worry about and should be paying less interest and lower monthly payment.

spending diary is brilliant idea.

Could also take my son out of nursery at 112 a month and start him at the local playgroup now that he is three but im worried about the upheaval when he is so settled there.

also think my mobile contract is up so i might ring and cancel that that would save 125 a month (nursery and phone)

I can't understand why you are paying to send your child to nursery when you are a childminder? Surely there are Toddler Groups in your area or pre-school groups or childerminder groups. This would save you £112.00 per month, in my opinion (for what its worth) there is no question about stopping it.
As for upheaval surely a worried sick parent is more upsetting to a child than the opportunity for him/her to make her friends at playgroup.

lynzpower

Hi there flower
I also notice that in 5 motnhs your HP will be over :j

So in Feb ( ish?) you will have tihs over, and a further 50 to pay off extra debt quicker :T

HateMyself_2

lynz, yes and I simply MUST make sure that that money goes off debt. I would have been out of this mess by now if I could just engage my stupid brain into doing it.

kathfisch

HateMyself wrote:

lynz, yes and I simply MUST make sure that that money goes off debt. I would have been out of this mess by now if I could just engage my stupid brain into doing it.

Hi HM and welcome to DFW! :hello:

First of all, well done for having the courage to post on here, to look for help and support :T

Its seems to me that you have high standards for yourself, and right now you don't feel you're living up to them. I sympathise because I beat myself up in this way too from time to time.

What I try to do when I'm feeling low is to consciously turn my negative thoughts around into positive ones. E.g. I might be feeling stupid for doing a degree that now seems useless when trying to get work :rolleyes: but then I consciously stop myself and say 'hang on! what were the positive things that came out of it?' and I list them in my head. Sounds strange but I find it really works! Sometimes its something as simple as 'grrr, I don't want to tidy the house' ---> 'I would like to tidy the house because when things are not cluttered it makes me feel happier and calmer'. Ok, so that sounds a bit forced but it does make me feel better

Its important not to ignore the things that need your attention (repayments, cutting outgoings etc) but its also ok to focus on the good things and cut yourself some slack!!! You sound like a very loving mother and wife, you are obviously concerned to do the right thing for all of your futures and (as someone has said) you were smart enough to post here for help :T

Have realised I'm rambling so will just say this... I hope your username and the feelings that go with it soon end... try to be a bit kinder to yourself won't you?!

x

lynzpower

KAthfisch

that was what I thought too, I hope hate myself changes her name to something a bit kinder like "sometimeshatemybehaviour,but changing for the better"

Stick around OP, we all used to do silly stuff too. and still do for time to time

CFC

Hello Hatemyself, I think the first thing you need to do is to actually stop hating yourself. If you work yourself up over how silly and useless you are, there is only so much self loathing and low self esteem you can take before your natural urge of self preservation takes over to force you to do something to make you feel better. Easy answer to feeling better? Retail therapy! Result - bigger problem!

Your husband has left all the budget in your hands. OK so you're not Einstein at it. You've done it all on your own, sounds to me like now it's time to say, oopsie, here's our situation, we (note - WE) need to fix this now. Here's how we do it (as you've already worked out how to do it), now WE need to do this. Husband gives you any gyp, you say "I've done my best, ok I'm not Alvin, and it's not as bad as it could be."

Once you are out of your self-loathing cycle, you'll be able to take a more balanced view of affairs.
Husband needs to know. Apart from anything else, he needs to share the strain and also to assist you both in keeping on the straight and narrow.

chocolatefish

I agree very much with the posters above about talking with your husband. Like you I have set myself very high standards in the past, and when I haven't met them, with money management and other things, I have really beaten myself up about it. Also like you I was in sole charge of managing our finances. I think as a bit of a control freak I didn't wholly trust Mr CF to do it, and also I maybe wanted to be in control, but at the time he didn't complain. Although I didn't get into big trouble with debt or anything, I didn't always get things right - occasional unauthorised o/d fees, non payment of credit card etc. And I started to really, really resent having to 'report' to my OH all the time, on our finances, feeling that I was letting us both down when I stuffed up and - yes - hiding 'my mistakes' and scrabbling around for money to cover them up. It built up into a big argument between us, and thank goodness it did. Mr CF told me that he didn't actually have any expectations that I should be shouldering sole responsiblity for managing our money, that he definitely wanted to take a more active role, and that it was something that we had to share - we both earn, we both spend, so we should both plan. It's so much easier now the job is shared. We sit down at least once a fortnight and go through the books / budgets, and we jointly plan any big purchases / investments together. I still do the online banking becuase I have better access at work, but everything I do we have discussed previously. We only have one account and one credit card between us - and that's the way its staying!

Long story short, you can't know what your husband thinks unless you speak with him. You need to forgive yourself - everyone but everyone stuffs up at times - and you also need to accept that things are going to have to change (and sometimes this is the hardest of all). Have you considered seeking conselling - not just for financial stuff but to learn how not to be so hard on yourself. Try Don't Sweat the Small Stuff -I find it quite inspirational.

HateMyself_2

This is gonna sound pathetic but has anyone heard of FLYlady? Ive been using it for about 6 weeks for getting on top of my house and its working really well for me. Im feeling much better about that and only wish there was a FLYlady for finances!! I think it has helped in the house because it has been broken down for me and I just follow the instruction.

Im a HUGE procrastinator and it tinkles through to all aspects of my life - if it cant be perfect I just dont do it or ignore it.

I still cant decide what to do about CCCS.

I have 3 options

a) CCCS - be COMPLETELY debt free in 3.5 years (including ALL overdrafts, credit cards, store cards. EVERYTHING gone. Downside my credit rating will be affected badly.

b) Consolidate on to mortgage. Upside, will be better off in the short term in terms of cash flow. Just one payment to mortgage lender and nothing else. Downside in 4 years time will I be kicking myself that Im still paying back debt and will be for another 21 years! The amount I pay back overall will be huge.

c) Have a final go at DIY. Cutting down where I can, snowballing etc

Im sure C is the best option but Ive completely lost faith in myself to do it.