OH been cheating, help getting over him?

GlasweJen

I'd been going out with my bf for over 5 years.

On Monday when I came back from holidays he came to see me and told me that he felt our relationship had fizzled out and he no longer wanted us to date but he wanted us to be friends. I didn't know where this was coming from because right up until that moment he'd seemed fine, he called me when I was away on holiday to tell me he loved me and everything. I was so confused, I'll admit that my heart was broken.

Later that night he admitted that he's been cheating on me, he has been having sex with someone else since the start of June but he's been sneaking about with her since December, it's been a relationship since March and he says he loves her. I am utterly distraught to say the least, I know the girl and I knew she fancied him but I had no idea he was doing this! Granted he's been acting strangely but he'd just been promoted at work and his aunt was diagnosed with terminal cancer so I put it down to that.

Now I can't stop thinking about him, every time I lie down I'm waiting to feel him cuddling up to me, I miss kissing him and it's taking every piece of strength I have not to text him constantly.

I feel horrible, everything in my life reminds me of him, he's in my graduation photos, all of our friends are mutual, I'll no doubt see him at boxing because we both go to the same class, my work routine involved speaking to him and everything. I literally can't stop thinking about him to the point where I can't even keep my mind on work, i'm driving myself demented.

Does anyone have any advice? My boss said I should see my doctor and get something for my nerves because I jump every time I hear the phone or someone says my name.

Friends have suggested getting a new job and stuff as well which sounds like a good idea but will it really help me get over him? I thought we were in love, I was expecting an engagement ring soon, he'd been talking about babies and flats and then he hits me with this. How long should I expect to take to get over this?

myothercarisaferrari

Jen so sorry to hear this. What a !!!!!!. He has done what my ex did to me last year - ended it out of the blue after 4 years, I later found out he was cheating.

Its 9 months down the line for me and now, in the words of Mr T, I pity the fool:money: its hard and you need to take all the time you can to get over him.

Cliche as it is, time is a great healer, as are friends and family. You'll be ok, I promise x

Indie_Kid

GlasweJen wrote: »

Friends have suggested getting a new job and stuff as well which sounds like a good idea but will it really help me get over him?

It would make things easier; because you won't have to see or talk to him as much.

Fang_3

Can I just say that you don't sound bitter at all, and that's so refreshing. It will take time, at the beginning you'll have to make a conscious effort to avoid all mention of him, but eventually you'll find yourself suddenly thinking that you've not thought about him for a day. Then a week. Then a month. And then you'll barely think of him at all and you'll be over him.

On a purely practical level, the best way to get over one man is to get under another.

laurel7172

I'm really, really sorry, Jen. It's a hideous thing to find out.

But, and this may sound harsh, you need to accept that what you had was an illusion. He was definitely fooling you. It's possible you were fooling yourself. But you definitely didn't have the relationship you thought you had. Do you want him back? Or just the man you thought he was?

The best revenge is to live a fantastic life. What has he got? Somebody who knows he'll cheat if he feels like it, so knows they can cheat on him without a blip of conscience. Toxic from the start. Give yourself time, and you will leave him behind, in every sense.

GlasweJen

I want my friend back, we were best friends before we started dating so i've known him for about 8 years in total, 1/3 of my life.

I want the relationship back but not for any rational reason or out of any love for him, at the moment i'm more afraid of becoming a lonely old cat lady because I'm cripplingly shy in real life, I don't like clubbing and i've never had casual sex nor do I ever want to, i don't feel like i fit into the modern world.

I don't want to ever date him again so that's not a worry I just miss him.

Also another thing that's really annoying me is that I wont be able to tell his parents what he did/what they are because they don't live near me and I can't drive. I was thinking of writing them a non-bitter letter explaining why I've disappeared after so long without any hint that it was happening, I feel like i owe it to them because they had expectations of our relationship. good idea or bad?

I honestly don't feel any bitterness towards him, for some reason it's all directed at her just now but then i haven't seen him since we broke up so not since before I knew he was cheating.

JaneRN

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this - I went through a break-up over 10 years ago and can still remember the trauma. As you point out when we split with someone it extends beyond the relationship with that person. It impacts on many areas of our lives which compounds the misery. We no longer feel part of the OH family or possibly the circle of mutual friends.
My brother split from his partner (nobody esle involved BTW) but we all reached out to her to offer our support as we appreciate how isolating it can feel.
There is nothing I can say to make you feel any better - I truely wish there was, but you will get over this given time. I know it doesn't seem possible now and I wouldn't believe it during the worst of my distress.
I did go to my GP as I couldn't eat or sleep and I was desperate to still go to work. He did precribe me anti-depressants and I have to say they saved my sanity when they kicked in. I was getting a good nights sleep and able to function at work. My GP offered to write a sick note to give me time off but I really needed to get out of the house and put on a brave face in front of patients and I also found the support from colleagues important.
I hope you have a support network around you? I also hope he does the decent thing and withdraws himself from the circle of friends etc so you don't feel you have to cut out these people from your life, or be around him with his new GF.
Jane

geri1965_2

GlasweJen wrote: »

Also another thing that's really annoying me is that I wont be able to tell his parents what he did/what they are because they don't live near me and I can't drive. I was thinking of writing them a non-bitter letter explaining why I've disappeared after so long without any hint that it was happening, I feel like i owe it to them because they had expectations of our relationship. good idea or bad?

I wouldn't do this - I'm sure they have worked it out for themselves. If you had a good relationship with them by all means stay in touch - but in all probability they are not going to want to get involved with that they see as taking sides.

Good luck.

mackemdave

OP you sound too nice to be on your own for too long...Its his loss and something he may well regret in the future
x

donquine

Sorry to hear what's happened, Jen.

If you want to stay friends, you are still going to need some time apart from him - that means not seeing him or talking to him at all. If he wants to stay friends, he'll understand.

You need to remember that you wanted a ring from and to have babies with a man who doesn't exist. That man you were planning a future with in your head wasn't a cheater. This man is, so don't pine after him. You do deserve better and you will find better when you're ready to move on.

No one can tell you how long it will take - you didn't see it coming, so it is bound to be hard. I think the best thing is to just take one day at a time.

Make sure you have a list of friends you can call at any time when you're having a bad day and need a bit of a cry and listen. Failing that, you can always post here - plenty of shoulders going spare at MSE.

Chinkle

You can't be friends with him right now, maybe not for a long time and by the time you can you may not want to bother. You need to put some distance between you so you can go through the recovery process. By all means see joint friends, but not when he's there, join a different boxing class (or try a new sport). You boss sounds sympathetic so ask for his/her help to avoid having to deal with him at work.

It is going to take some time, but these are practical things you can do, don't worry about meeting anyone else for now, this time is all about YOU, YOU, YOU.