OH been cheating, help getting over him?

rach

Jen sorry to hear this, sounds like he's an idiot!

I think it will just take time to get over him, you're clear you don't want him back so you just have to move on, but it doesn't happen overnight. I can't see how he thinks you'll want to be friends though! In terms of his parents, I'm sure they're not stupid and will work out what's happened when he soon appears with the other girl.

Chinkle

and I don't think you need to tell his parents, that's his job. It would be awkward for them to stay in touch with you right now.

GlasweJen

That's the thing I wasn't planning the kids and the house in my head we were actually planning them together! That's what's frustrating me most, he was such a good liar that he had me thinking we were both saving for a deposit (possibly to cover up his lack of finances even though he has a better job than me?), we'd talked about not bothering to get a new contraceptive implant put in when the one I have now comes out and we'd even been talking about baby names, maternity pay, child care etc.

The letter to his parents, well I want them to know the extent of it - he lied about his aunts cancer so that he could spend time with the lass he was shagging. I don't really want to stay in touch with them per se but I think they deserve to know exactly what the situation is. His brother has already texted me asking if he can still be my friend (he knows the full story according to ex) which is really sweet but I have known the kid since he was 9, helped him pick his standard grade subjects at school, took him to various events and we were supposed to be taking him to his first music festival this august but now i'm going with my brother and his friends while him and her are going down with all my friends (so basically don't think he'll withdraw from our social circle).

It's just so painful, I do plan on not seeing him for at least a year but we have unfinished business together and he will probably be completely gone by next wednesday which gives me time to sort everything out and he'll be back his holidays so we can deal with it and cut the ties.

My major problem is willpower, i want to text him constantly and even deleting his number hasn't helped because i have his mobile, house and email details memorised from being with him for so long.

GEEGEE8

I just cannot imagine how hard this is for you, you sound very strong even though I'm sure you don't feel it right now.

How awful to be betrayed so heartlessly and with no thought to how it would affect you. Has he not appologised?

I think he shouldn't be even thinking of going to the music festival.. and if your joint friends are still going with him, then they aren't friends that I would want!

Hope you get through this and find an amazing bloke later down the line.. most decent people seem to and never look back xx

Brighton_belle

GlasweJen wrote: »

i'm more afraid of becoming a lonely old cat lady because I'm cripplingly shy in real life, I don't like clubbing and i've never had casual sex nor do I ever want to, i don't feel like i fit into the modern world.

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Hi OP, sory you are going through such a dreadful experience.

I just wanted to pick up on the above. Neither myself or my partner were into nightclubs or casual sex, and the older you get the more you realise there are many many people who feel the same. The modern world is full of many differnt life choices and lifestyles; the one you suggest makes you feel isolated and different is a small % of how many live.

Being cripplingly shy is very hard. But you managed to join the boxing club. Can you imagine joining any other club?. A relative of mine has recently switched from boxing to a marshal art.

Sept is also a really good time to try something new, as lots of new classes start in all sorts of things. Then it is easier to cope with the shyness, as you have something in common you are trying to 'do' and don't hanve to just make small talk.
Nearly all my friends (and partner) I now have, I met through various shared interests over the years. And I tried many new interests rather than just sticking with the same one I had at 20. Some were fun to try but didn't stick, and others have become very absorbing and an important part of my life.

GlasweJen

He apologised when we initially split up but he's not properly apologised for the affair or for the lies. I've had an I'm sorry text but that's the sort of thing he used to send me when he was running late so it's not really an apology on the right level. I want an apology to my face, a promise he wont let her rub it in and maybe a bit about how he'll avoid our friends and allow me to get the support I need.

Our friends are "refusing to choose sides" so theoretically I could camp with them but in practice I couldn't because it would kill me to see him so much as look at her without either having a break down or trying to kill them (or both). He'll probably end up with all of my non-uni friends to be honest, he's very manipulative, I see that now, and her friends are already rabbiting on about how much of a miracle it is that he put up with me which is nonsense because i've been nothing but faithful to him.

I've had some old friends contact me from my high school days, I never really made great friends in uni aside from my flatmates but 3 out of 4 of them have been in touch to offer support (the 4th is from Ireland and moved back home) so I'm not cast out and alone but I feel like my whole life has crumbled down around me. Doesn't help that I work near our old school and I have school friends coming in every other week collecting contacts for their wedding or popping in to order glasses with their babies in the trolley.

GlasweJen

I only managed to join boxing because he was there to reassure me, it's been almost a year and I still don't feel like part of the class sometimes but other times I fit in no problem. He's not been training for ages because of the affair (told me and head instructor that he was with his terminally ill aunt) and i've been doing not bad.

jackieglasgow

Have a hug Jen from me, too.

Sounds like you are better off without him, what a sh.t pretending/using someone's terminal illness as an excuse to go off an shag someone else, you've won a watch there, getting shot of him! I am also in agreement with the people who are saying to try and get out there and do stuff. A lot of the people on here have talked about meetup.com you should see if there's anything that interests you on there, you need stuff to keep you occupied so you're not spending time pining after the relationship (I won't say him, because it sounds to me as if you've pretty much got the measure of him, you're just feeling a bit lonely), it takes time to heal a broken heart, but it will be so much easier knowing that your heart has been broken by someone you didn't even know existed. Mourn for the man he should have been, and move on.

Pollycat

Hi Jen
I'm really sorry to hear about your relationship breakup - espeically in such awful circumstances.

I think you should stop wanting to tell his parents and asking him for a 'proper' apology.

In reality, where would it get you?
Any apology from him would just be empty words, exactly the same as the lies he's told you over the last 6 months he's been sneaking around.
As for his parents, you say they live some
way from you which possibly suggests you didn't see them that often.
He may have already told them about the breakup and painted you in the wrong.
If that is true (and from what you've said it may well be), any letter from you to them could end up back in his hands to be used as ammunition that you're bitter.

Was this 'other woman' part of your social circle before this betrayal?
If not, do you really think that your ex will try to introduce her into your social circle?
Or he may decide he'll move away from his old friends and see more of her friends.
You've already pointed out that he's not been to boxing because of this affair, maybe he'll decide that he doesn't want to face joint friends.

Regardless of who is in the wrong (in any relationship), I don't think that friends SHOULD be expected to choose sides so do try not to put pressure on them to side with you.

I wish you all the best.

GlasweJen

the other person was part of the social circle. she wandered off when she went to uni but has been back socialising with the circle for about a year now so there's no need for introducing her in.

His parents only live about 6 miles away, up until i went on holiday i saw them at least every week. I sorted his dads glasses for him, helped his mum make their bras for the moonwalk and just generally got on well with them. I say it's ages away but it's not really, just difficult to get to since I can't drive. I had a good relationship with them, he said he told them he cheated so I know i've not been put into too bad a light, chances are they will find it all out eventually as his brother knows and we were quite close.

I know I need to try new things, a new job would be the best start I think. Classes will be hard and I want to stick at boxing because I have some friends there that i only see in the class so it would make sense for me to keep going at least for a while.